Ever notice how a man gets older he becomes distinguished, yet a woman expires. Think about it, she stops doing all the things a woman was made to do, Her eggs go rotten, her milk expires. She becomes a shell.
I once said “please let my marriage end while I’m still viable”. Here I sit just two months away from 40, already rotten, already expired.
I pass the mirror and no longer no that person staring back at me.
I feel I have little to no future and I’m on a path of destruction that will ultimately lead to me being old, decrepit and alone.
I’m seeing two roads ahead…..
One stay as I am.
Best case, I meet people that will stay with me for no obligating reason at all. My years of fucking around are numbered. Past a certain age you become a fetish just by breathing.
The other is change.
Tell everyone I can no longer do this. The parties and sex having eaten way too long at my soul, I now long for More….yes, that word, more.
I find I sometimes miss the little things from my old life. Flowers, I love you’s, empty words of your beautiful to me, even when I hate myself.
The problem, they were wrapped in the guise of monogamy that never was, at least on their part.
Truth i don’t want this life of endless dating. Meaningless sex leaving me a shell. It no longer has a damn thing to do with slut shaming men from my past, it now has to do with the empty space that has started to spread in my heart.
So i sit…all day at work with my mind set to task, analyzing, working, improving. Yet personally I stay stagnant.
Sir will say I’m overthinking,
I’m not, I’m just trying to see how this life will work out.