Kick’n it Ole Skool -part 1

For any one in the NYC fetish community, that means one thing only, A trip to Paddles.  L (Friendly jokester Dom) and M (very sweet shy Switch) and I went for a nice dinner before hand at an Iranian place, complete with Belly Dancing. I seriously wanted to steal one of her costumes. It had these beautiful led encrusted material pieces that when she twirled it looked like wings. I thought “if sir was here, I’d be making those tomorrow!”

We cross the street and go right in and too my amazement they have a crowd.  That doesn’t happen often, the first person I recognized was Subby big balls guy, who was giving a newbe a tour, not shocked, he’s been in the scene for as long as anyone can remember. I also spot Gladiator guy, Sir had a nice conversation with him at a party, but I couldn’t recall what one.

We walked though and true to form L was very much the mayor of this party.Within a minute he handed M a leash and she had a guy to walk around or a bit of the night. Turns out shy as she is, she’s pretty good at Domming guys. Next character was the Indian guy with the prettiest 1980″s fluffy hair I had ever seen. He stayed with us the majority of the night. His main fetish worshiping M’s tits, in a domly fashion? oh and giving very “gentle spankings”.

L had been pretty much dreaming of getting to spank me in very much a fet girl doms way. Meaning with in a few minutes I was bent over a bench. Not before I watched him play with M first, just to make sure that nothing out of my comfort zone was his thing. He had an amazing long flogger that was like soft kisses on my ass, then something thudy, then a little stingy, then some bare hands. I look up and as the usual my loud mouth drew a crowd. No cums thanks to the damn cell phone not getting any reception.

I did notice right after my mood was lite and I’ve discovered to me, spanking is therapy. In the case of last night, it was nothing sexual, just good stress release. I walked through the club and searched for any decent looking girl, but the only ones were the few hired to entertain the crowd and play for “tips”. Not a bad deal as the promoter pays them a good wage and assigns them a dm to make sure no limits are crossed. I thought, hey if money gets tight, I may ask Sir if I can apply for that job. Too not be a pro dom, but a pro-spanke…I think that could have possibilities!

I came across a Domme, she was giving a massage/spanking and it looked like fun, then L tells me that’s the one that tried to get him kicked out last party. Turned out though the night, she was a mega bitch, so there went that. Aside from M I was essentially trapped in a world of Domly men. So what’s a slave to do? Sir allows spankings as long as I’m safe and with L watching (was busy off beating some little boy) I figured OK, look for something interesting. M came back and she has a group of people she will routinely play with. One guy had these great paddles, when in paddles, might as well…… they were super squishy on one side and made a really nice thud. He ask politely if I wanted to try, seeing me eye them during their scene. I have to say, they were pretty great.

Then it was time for me to Dom M. The first thing I asked for was that really nice peurple flogger. I had L instruct me and off I went slamming her ass with it. Then some bare hands…and Three of us took turns. I must say she really has stamina, as she switched back and forth all night from sub to Domme and didn;t miss a beat.

I mentioned during dinner my old fears of certian groups that I believed formed when I was first circling the scene in the 90’s. Tonight one such group  the leather family. So to understand this fear you have to know what I pictured. Think outlaw bike gang, mean, clicky plus there instignia on fet creeps me out!

A grand night on the plaza

My first trip to a hipster neighborhood since moving here.

I meet up with the first couple Sir and I met at our first fetish party. They are always very nice and super friendly, but have remained mostly a mystery, wrapped in an enigma.

We went to a nice moderately empty micro brew bar and got a table in the back where we could talk openly. Funny because we shared storied of many parties we were at together and turns out, they do play….sometimes.

I digress, it turns out that they really aren’t big on public play, but enjoy private. Also after the yacht party last year, they met up with the couple they played with. I wish I could remember what one  it was. Turns out that they were really hard core swingers, super pushy and had these rating scores for events and such. The yacht party was a 2 for the looks of people but a 9 for play. Dick heads. I know that personally I’ve brought some beautiful people there, so there’s not accounting for taste. They were disappointed when they found out they were in no way full swap….

So what they so like is play and toys and oral, but no cock in any other hole but the mouth. They are also pretty new to the lifestyle and haven’t been together much longer than Sir and I. They even just recently moved in together and I have to admit I had some serious apartment envy.  The view was killer and it was one of those old buildings that you have to wait for someone to die to get into.

We finished up our drinks and took our cue to leave as the bar had filled up with about 90% bearded men in there 20’s and 30’s. Back at the apartment we talked…. about parties and people we knew, our families and life before kink. It was really interesting and before we knew it it was 2 am. They called me a cab, not wanting me to wait for 2 trains, tried to give me money for it, which I politely declined as they had paid at the bar. We made promises to compare toys bags the next time and G-rated kisses, hugs, I went on my way.

For some odd reason I was up early and full of energy, so It’s not even one and all of my chores are done for the day….well, almost. Time to bite the bullet and talk to the ex-doms ex. I even fessed up to my mother all of the issues I’m having with my ex-husband. I’m starting to feel just a little bit better and lighter.



Anger Management

Usually yoga does it for me, but last night I needed a bit more.

Funny thing is before my rotten egg post Sir had sent me to sleep with good pain and plenty of O’s with the hitachi. I floated off to sleep in utter blissful subspace. It was as though I woke up in full drop. This sometimes happens when we play and he is not here, but it’s been so long I had really forgotten.

After meeting all of my personal goals and deadlines at work, I needed a different kind of release. I went to pound class……It’s cardio and Pilates and you get to beat the crap out of the mat with drum sticks.

I did what until last night had never been done, I broke one of those big heavy duty plastic sticks! It felt great, I beat the shit out of that floor and when the song thanks for the memories came on I pictured my ex’s face and boom, it broke. The teacher promptly laughed and threw me another one so I could finish the class.

Today will be a day of micro managing others. I’m really good at that and yet at the same time, absolutely hate doing it. The problem is I’ve done everything I could and now it’s time to guide and motivate others to complete their tasks.

I wish I was on that beach right now, but I only have to come to work three more days!

Also if I ever post “I don’t know me in the mirror” just ask if I need to dye my hair! That’s probably the reason 😉

Rotten Eggs and Milk

Ever notice how a man gets older he becomes distinguished, yet a woman expires. Think about it, she stops doing all the things a woman was made to do, Her eggs go rotten, her milk expires. She becomes a shell.

I once said “please let my marriage end while I’m still viable”. Here I sit just two months away from 40, already rotten, already expired.

I pass the mirror and no longer no that person staring back at me.

I feel I have little to no future and I’m on a path of destruction that will ultimately lead to me being old, decrepit and alone.

I’m seeing two roads ahead…..

One stay as I am.

Best case, I meet people that will stay with me for no obligating reason at all. My years of fucking around are numbered. Past a certain age you become a fetish just by breathing.

The other is change.

Tell everyone I can no longer do this. The parties and sex having eaten way too long at my soul, I now long for More….yes, that word, more.

I find I sometimes miss the little things from my old life. Flowers, I love you’s, empty words of your beautiful to me, even when I hate myself.

The problem, they were wrapped in the guise of monogamy that never was, at least on their part.

Truth i don’t want this life of endless dating. Meaningless sex leaving me a shell. It no longer has a damn thing to do with slut shaming men from my past, it now has to do with the empty space that has started to spread in my heart.

So i sit…all day at work with my mind set to task, analyzing, working, improving. Yet personally I stay stagnant.

Sir will say I’m overthinking,

I’m not, I’m just trying to see how this life will work out.


i had to contact the ex yet again. Late last night I got a message from a social worker friend. She ran into a person that my ex and I were friends with and he is currently homeless and living on the streets.

So I did what I could and told the ex, he still has contact with this guys friends and family.

I think she thought I’d take him in, but no, I’m not that good of a human. There’s a reason he’s on the streets and it’s due to his alcoholism, gambling and stealing from those close to cover his debts. I told her this and warned her not to take him in, what he really needs is rehab. 

Problem, where I use to live, the drug epidemic is so bad unless you are in mid overdose, you can’t get in.

I very bluntly said, your a social worker, why don’t you try to get him in. She said he swears he’s not using, my reply was I didn’t say he was a junkie, but when did alcoholics all of a sudden not need rehab.

I took a moment to think and then realized, I was talking to a functional alcoholic. She didn’t see the problem. She brought him a meal and had a long talk with him. Who knows what will become of him.

My ex’s reaction, typical “oh wow” who told you. Not let me call his family and see if they know. He thinks it’s just a good bit of gossip. So I had to ask him to reach out and try to get him help.

Other shit im thinking:

Too much work… Never going to finish it.

I’m missing something internally.

Did you really call me fat and old?

I need more out of life and I have no idea how to get it.

I think today im just going to stay quite, so if it seems like no one hears from me, I just need to be with myself for now.

Sideways day

Some days you wake up with a plan. Then life happens.

I noticed today was that day on the way home. Looking out the window of the bus I see a limestone house with the prettiest woodwork and think of my old house. There was a little girl maybe 5 sitting at a counter, as the bus past I saw her twin sister sitting next to her. Both parents talking and making dinner.

It ripped my fucking heart out.

It was like a look into what could have been.  I thought I was past it and then sitting here I realized why I was so very affected today of all days.

I texted the ex husband to tell him I needed the ticket as it is my turn to pay the IRS. He messages back something that caused me to immediately question if he has been making the payments. I explain a missed payment will result in the termination of the agreement. He then says they can just take back what we get this year. I pick up the phone.

I explain to him we won’t get anything back and will likely own again. I ask if he changed how he’s claiming. He admitted to missing the December payment, but I think he missed more, in that case it means he owes me money as I paid for his cell phone. He then tells me about how he is unsure if he can make rent. I internally lose it.

Just a couple of months ago he had three jobs. I ask what happened and he had his usual excuses. So I had no choice to say “but I thought your girlfriend was living with you?” He stuttered and said no not really, I mean she does but she doesn’t pay any of the bills because she works at pay less. I say “oh”. I think are you mother fucking kidding me? Really you are supporting her and her fucking kid?

I saw red.

I told him you have until Thursday to come up with the payment. If you can’t I will make it and you will owe me the money and that means you tell her… divorce yet. I think I won’t sign shit and I won’t even have to worry about it since you have no money.

If his father steps in then I will give him the IRS bill that his son fucked up paying, plus this one and tell him, you want your son free….this is the cost oh and btw, I sogn nothing until August. I’m tired of the shit.

That leaves me back on the bus trying to think why do I feel so damn empty? I look at his mess of a life, but he has her, he has a baby. That mythical family, who knows, they could be miserable. All I know is they were not on that bus, so alone, with so many mixed up feelings.

My date for tonight cancelled for work reasons and I couldn’t be happier, really, I’m in no shape to do much but go to yoga later.

I may even talk to the ex dom’s ex tonight. She had wanted to speak yesterday, but I was just too tired. See Sir I’m not going to my dark place, but this day is really testing my patience and coping abilities.

The truth is I feel empty. That’s where the sadness comes from. I try to fill it with random people, but I’m still left here to deal with myself.


Back to that list

I was to be an after yoga post, but thanks to my knee…..there is no such thing a comfortable cross legged position right now. I dislocated my “good” one yesterday afternoon and with the storm coming soon, it’s swollen and bruised and I can’t afford to be held up by it. So I’m taking a break and I’ll try some piyo later.

Happy munch:

SMG and I showed up and we wondered where everyone was. Being that it was 60 out we went to check outside and saw the much leader and one other person in a large booth alone. Shocked we grabbed seats and chatted about how our holidays and new years were. Everyone that went to the same party as me agreed the space sucks, but they go for the guests.

About an hour in one more person showed…then 2…then another until we had a nice small group. everyone was talking and laughing and my normal hour turned into 3 or 4.

SMG was happy I asked her to go out. She’s like me and is happy to just stay home and not be social sometimes.

Crazy week:

For some reason I guess boredom, I’ve been talking to people on-line again…that shitty swing site. So tomorrow depending on weather I’m going to meet a couple in the city. They were funny on the phone, but I still really don’t like that scene in general. then Wednesday maybe meet with some single female….maybe. The plans that are a def are Friday and Saturday. Drinks in my boro with the bi b and bow-tie man. Then off to the slave auction with L&M. Lol, but this time I’m not going to be the one up on the block. It will be M, not me as the sub of the evening. Maybe I’ll buy a nice little slave girl of my own. I keep telling everyone at work that if we hit the power ball I will be known as lady (insert  name) and have servants and a castle, I left out the dungeon and assorted fun stuff and that all of my servants will really serve. Does’t sound to subby, but hey, a slave can dream. I told work husband I’ll hire him as my driver, he’s pretty enough and I have no fantasy of fucking my driver.

So with all that going on i also have a ton and a half of work to do that is keeping me tied to my desk most of the day and little r is sick, but that’s just good timing because I’ d just tell her to leave me alone.

Doms are Funny:

During the munch last night I got a text from a local sub that I’ve been speaking with’s Dom. We exchanged greetings and he asked a question. Since I was out and being social I was in no way glued to my phone so the message was question….wait one minute then “?”….repeat. I almost said I was out in the opening, but I got too much of a kick out of that. Out of all of the new people she seems the most interesting, but as most D/s couples they are both looking to play. The nice thing is they are local and seem ok. He sent me a message in Domly Dom fashion “call me”, lol, I was just in bed and not getting up to make the google voice ring, so I said no, for him to call me. At one point he asked if I was a sub.

I wasn’t trying to be rude or a bitch. It’s just, please, guy, I’m not your sub. We talked for a few minutes and it was a nice conversation. I spoke with Sir about how busy this week is…so I’ll see if she wants to get coffee next week.  I need to keep balance and it’s way too cold to be out every night, plus I have my gym routine and work to stay focused on. I really am kinda hoping that my weekday plans get cancelled.

RIP- David Bowie

It was funny because this weekend I was thinking (maybe too much) about a certain time in my life. Seeing this reminded me also of that time, but singing and one of my favorite movies. He will be missed. Sir also mentioned him in his email this morning and I was glad he told me of his passing and I didn’t find out from social media.

Time to go put my knee up……List complete.

Why so sad?

I had a bunch of things swirling in my head to write today, but I keep going back to that question posed by Sir yesterday. He said you had a good day, lots got done and you had a nice chat with an old friend.

I read him the messages and he feels that her apology was sincere. He unlike me has no problem with people that have trigger days, days that they want to set the wrongs right and that its normal.

He also asked why am I so quick to go to my dark place? He thinks its because of the mostly shitty guys in my past, but it extends way beyond that.

Truth is I expect the majority of guys to treat me like shit, I’m not ……surprised by it. I’m much more surprised when they don’t.Case in point, Sir.

I am much more affected when friends (gender neutral) and other females let me down. Sometimes I think it’s a cop out, but It really is all based on the relationship you have with your parents. They are your first bonding experience and it only makes sense to learn all of the life lessons on how to deal with others and what to expect from them.

So in saying that, I’m OK with men not sticking around or being aloof, or just plain mean, then turning around and showering you with attention. That was my father.  My mother on the other hand is a much more complicated thing. She is in many ways my daughter and I know it sounds horribly Freudian, but I like it’s why whenever I Domme a woman I become very sadistic and motherly.

The post yesterday when I mentioned the one (not last time) she moved out if I would have stayed with my grandparents is when the sadness started. I was a really happy little girl. I danced sang, smiled, laughed and swam away every waking moment until then.

It was when she moved in with him…the worst of all of her boyfriends. It’s a shitty story that spanned until fourth grade and ended with us moving back to my grandparents house. It was the start of her reaching bottom that I dealt with until I was a senior in high school.

Her way of dealing with everything that happened was to get high and escape. Too bad she left me there, inside myself. So I did two things, I either was sad and depressed or I was numb. It lasted for years. What I also realized is that the ex doms ex has known me since then. We became friends in the sixth grade. She saw and went through what I would let her with me. I used to write..compulsively and she was the only one that ever read my journals from that time. She said if she was rich she’d buy the rights to my childhood and make them into a movie.

So i guess that takes care of the when it started and now it’s just like a bad habit? I’ve been this way for so long, I really don’t know how to change.

I’m much better than I was. Sir doesn’t know that, but there was truth in a statement that my ex (the very submissive kinky guys) brother said “I could bring down an entire room just by entering it”. When I go dark it’s true.

This past year, I’ve dealt with some really big shit and I really didn’t go to my dark place all that often, I think it’s more the unexpected times that has him asking these questions. I find I go to the darker places when I’m not dealing with a load of crap.  I’m in a way just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Right now I need to just stay focused on work, get over this hump and then go on vacation.