I have a constant non stop dialogue in my head every moment of every day (well….almost).
Yesterday I had myself laughing. Out of no where the thought of ….how nice it would be to come home to me. See, in some ways im a complete narciss. What I envisioned was a clean house, walked dogs, my yoga close laid out for me, a big hug and someone happy to see me.
Talking to a friend this morning helped a bit. Both of us are in similar boats. We have no idea what “more” is……
I stayed in that nice little day dream for about a minute until work and life dragged me back again.
Last night Sir had a problem with the bus home, so we traveled into the city, stopping for coffee first. I like to see him off, even though I shut down a bit when I walk away.
It’s a bittersweet thing. See I miss him when he’s gone, but I get ….. Antsy if he stays long. I just can’t have someone always there, it’s a weird balance that we keep.
Back home the puppies looked for him as I set to task of returning my place to museam status. I was raised everything has its place and should be in its place. Lol, it’s to the point that exhusband used to verbally say…. ok if I was her, where would I think this goes. He was right 50/50.
Then a short piyo video and an episode of madmen. During this a couple from a swing site reached out. We have some vanilla and other interests in common but when they sent pictures….all I could think, Nope, hell Nope.
They are way too pretty. They are the wrong pretty. I know that sounds bad, but I can’t go out with people and be the constant ugly little sister. I like pretty, but not that perfect, fake pretty. That’s just not me. So I cut the conversation short and headed to bed.
Almost forgot…..some days little R is lucky I adult well or I would have punched her in the face a few times in the past couple of days.
Yesterday I had a sweater dress on. It’s getting to the point I should throw it out, but as long as I fix it when I stand it still looks good and it’s warm. I recieved multiple compliments until she saw me get up and not fix it right away.
She said stop as I went to and asked me to turn around. Then proceeded to tell me never to wear it again as it bunches in the wrong stops….I then fixed it and she said no. I snapped at her. Then had to listen to the at least I’m a good friend and told you speach. It’s not about telling a friend it’s the how, don’t fucking inspect me then be a bitch about it.
So today I brought all of the bad food from the fridge in and put it in her desk. My way of being bitchy back. I told her I’m on a diet, so she can eat it all. It is mean but she eats like crap, so let her enjoy. Plus she knows damn well 10 years ago my body was very similar to hers.
Then today she said something like I used to be as big as a house, like 300 pounds. I said excuse me??? I was never that big. The largest I was (right after my last invetro) was a size 14. She said yeah, like 300 pounds. Ugh, I had to explain that 300 pounds at 5 feet is not in anyway a 14. I swear I may put her through a wall.
So if my self esteem wasn’t shit before, it certainly is now.
I just went out with her and had a little chat. I told her that I will show her what different sizes and weights look like. She’s a bit out of control, she said to one of our friends that another looked like Ursula. Granted she is a larger girl, but chubby girls can loose weight. Ugly will always be ugly.
I think she’s being like this because she is no longer a perfect size four and still hasn’t gotten that engagement ring, so she’s taking it out on everyone else.