Stop talking

I have a constant non stop dialogue in my head every moment of every day (well….almost).

Yesterday I had myself laughing. Out of no where the thought of ….how nice it would be to come home to me. See, in some ways im a complete narciss. What I envisioned was a clean house, walked dogs, my yoga close laid out for me, a big hug and someone happy to see me.

Talking to a friend this morning helped a bit. Both of us are in similar boats. We have no idea what “more” is……

I stayed in that nice little day dream for about a minute until work and life dragged me back again.

Last night Sir had a problem with the bus home, so we traveled into the city, stopping for coffee first. I like to see him off, even though I shut down a bit when I walk away.

It’s a bittersweet thing. See I miss him when he’s gone, but I get ….. Antsy if he stays long. I just can’t have someone always there, it’s a weird balance that we keep.

Back home the puppies looked for him as I set to task of returning my place to museam status. I was raised everything has its place and should be in its place. Lol, it’s to the point that exhusband used to verbally say…. ok if I was her, where would I think this goes. He was right 50/50.

Then a short piyo video and an episode of madmen. During this a couple from a swing site reached out. We have some vanilla and other interests in common but when they sent pictures….all I could think, Nope, hell Nope. 

They are way too pretty. They are the wrong pretty. I know that sounds bad, but I can’t go out with people and be the constant ugly little sister. I like pretty, but not that perfect, fake pretty. That’s just not me. So I cut the conversation short and headed to bed.

Almost forgot…..some days little R is lucky I adult well or I would have punched her in the face a few times in the past couple of days.

Yesterday I had a sweater dress on. It’s getting to the point I should throw it out, but as long as I fix it when I stand it still looks good and it’s warm. I recieved multiple compliments until she saw me get up and not fix it right away. 

She said stop as I went to and asked me to turn around. Then proceeded to tell me never to wear it again as it bunches in the wrong stops….I then fixed it and she said no. I snapped at her. Then had to listen to the at least I’m a good friend and told you speach. It’s not about telling a friend it’s the how, don’t fucking inspect me then be a bitch about it.

So today I brought all of the bad food from the fridge in and put it in her desk. My way of being bitchy back. I told her I’m on a diet, so she can eat it all. It is mean but she eats like crap, so let her enjoy. Plus she knows damn well 10 years ago my body was very similar to hers.

Then today she said something like I used to be as big as a house, like 300 pounds. I said excuse me??? I was never that big. The largest I was (right after my last invetro) was a size 14. She said yeah, like 300 pounds. Ugh, I had to explain that 300 pounds at 5 feet is not in anyway a 14. I swear I may put her through a wall. 

So if my self esteem wasn’t shit before, it certainly is now.

I just went out with her and had a little chat. I told her that I will show her what different sizes and weights look like. She’s a bit out of control, she said to one of our friends that another looked like Ursula. Granted she is a larger girl, but chubby girls can loose weight. Ugly will always be ugly.

I think she’s being like this because she is no longer a perfect size four and still hasn’t gotten that engagement ring, so she’s taking it out on everyone else.


i woke up thinking “oh crap, oh no, I’m going to cum”

I was so deeply asleep I didn’t realize Sir was in bed with me. I thought it was a dream and I was loosing control. In a flash of a moment the thought of “how do I tell him I came in my sleep” passed over my mind as I heard him tell me to cum. 

It was a brief moment of consciousness then back to a deep subspacey sleep.

Thank you Sir, after I slept well and deep and woke up very refreshed.

Yesterday was fun and relaxing. I spent most of the day cooking and baking.

Fet girl, her Dom and the three kids picked us up when the sun went down and we went to see the Christmas lights in dyker. It was enjoyable, but only because of the joy from the children and the doms. Many pictures were taken and there were promises to go earlier next year.

We all went for a bite, us too full to have anything more to eat. The conversation was fun and the children super bright and lively.

Sir and I also watched a movie called carol together. It’s funny because aside from the beauty of the cinematography I noticed two things. One, it made me think, why do women fall so hard or not at all? And when the hell did I start to identify more with the Kate blanchet character than the young, inexperienced girl 🙂

Well off to work

A real keyboard

I forgot what it feel like to blog on a real keyboard.  Funny sitting here I get almost a writer’s block.

So I’ll start with yesterday. I was up early and ready for the day as I let Sir sleep in a little.  We had coffee and chatted, then ran a couple of errands.

I headed off to my cousin’s surprise party and I can honestly say she was surprised and even a little pissed because she looked like hell and no one gave her a reason to at least look like a normal human. I have been avoiding her calls knowing that I would most likely slip and say something.  It was weird being with my father’s side of the family with my mother there. We all seemed to have a good time especially since any one that would have caused an issue dies long ago.

She texted at 2 in the morning how my note had her laughing and that she was most excited about the present I gave her. It was a calendar from the morbid anatomy museum and the promise to take her there and then to a speakeasy down the street. We also added the sex museum in the city to the day and then agreed to set a time that worked for us both.

Home to see Sir and chat, I was so exhausted and fell asleep on the couch.

I woke up in bed with nice cuddles.

Thanks for the new laptop Sir, it will take some getting used to but I’m sure the quality (or at least length) of my blogs will improve….but I just realized all my blog photos are on my phone!!!!

What day is it?

it seems like the past 2 weeks have been one really long day!

Today, up early. Headed to jersey later to celebrate my cousins 40th. She’s the first of us celebrating this year. I’m still trying to figure out when this happened??

Last night sir and I took a short stroll down memory lane. I showed him some old pics. It is weird how oddly detached I am now from that life. 

We had a nice calm night. I tried out a new recipe that needs some work, but it was edible.

I just realized vacation is in 2 weeks and I have no one to watch my dogs!! Got to work on that today.

Oh I also put in my yearly order for yarn. Lol, I think I may have gone overboard, but it was such a good sale. I have 4 new sets of needles and 32 reams of yarn headed my way. I couponed and sales and saved over 200 bucks. I’m thinking I need a bigger apartment for this obsession! 

A new year

where to begin? Lol, not the year, but with last night.

How about the funny part. Leaving the party the first time. We were going diwn the stairs when a door opens and a rather happy portly older man steps out of a door marked spa. A small oriental  woman dressed in only a red robe is behind him with a big smile greeting us happy new year. So if I ever have the need of a happy ending I know a place that would accommodate.

It was a you had to be there moment. 

The party was ok. I was not. My surgery seemed like it never happened and most of the night it felt like I had an ice pick in my uterus. 

Fet girl and fet Dom showed up shortly after us and do to family visiting his hand was rather itchy. Bg showed up later. We rang in the new year and even though the party was ugh, we had each other. Sir held me as fet Dom gave me a hard bare hand spanking and I came. It made the pain pass for a bit and was nice since the past couple of times I could not cum when he spanked me. I hit subspace and I felt good for about an hour.

We were going to head to another party. Out side trying to get a can proved rather difficult, so we headed back in to see if they were leaving and wanted to grab breakfast.

Fet Dom was still looking for the right price of equiptment to have a scene on. I started to feel ill again. We were all watching a scene with a girl blind folded on a cross and a few different people doing sensation play with her. At one point a tall blond and her were playing and that’s when sir knew how bad I felt, because I had zero reaction. Sure it was visually pretty but…. Nope no interest at all.

They finally got to have their scene but it was as we were leaving.

So a waive bye that neither saw and we headed home.

It was a weird but nice night. Now it’s 4pm and im just finished our coffee. 

All in all it was nice to be surrounded by friends and Sir ringing in the new year, but I don’t think (sir please tell me if you agree) that a fetish party New Years is something either of us would do again.