I have different drops, but I think the worst is the drop I have right now.

Impact play I get a little drop. Play with Sir, almost none, the drop comes when he leaves.

The problem is when I play and there’s sex, even if it’s just toys. The ne t day I get so damn emotional. That and im so horney, the kind of turned on where just having a bra on makes my nipple hArd.

I want to sleep and cry and …. I want to be used again, but then I start thinking, what’s wrong with me?

I guess the good girl guilt is not all the way gone, I also start thinking, why don’t I feel worse about what i did, I mean I feel I should feel worse. I sit here looking prim and proper, meanwhile I did all that crap last night? 

It’s wearing the mask that kills me. I want to crawl into bed. I’m also horribly distracted by flashes of yesterday. 

Then I get very guilty and shameful, that I keep thinking how much I’d like to leave work and go home to a wonderful kind, and yes naked woman and spend the rest of the day cuddling and cuming.

I wish I was on Sir lap, getting good pets and hearing that I’m a good girl because I really don’t feel like one.

Birthday presents

last night I fell asleep dripping with a smile.

It’s been a very long time since I had such a nice evening and play date.

A few weeks ago o the dancer, not to be confused with o the yoga teacher (although in description the are very much the same) said she was having a small dinner for her birthday. Food,toys and fun. I had really put it out of my mind. I didn’t want to over think it.

So yesterday came and after many detours (thanks MTA) I arrived at their apartment. They have a big beautiful flight cage full of song birds. The place was very much what I envisioned, a blend of things collected on their many travels. The small party became smaller due to the crazy weather/cold season. So there were just 4 of us.

The other girl C was nice enough, but something was just a little off. I can’t place my finger on it, but she left early, with many excuses, almost too many. “I have my period” “I didn’t know there would be play” “I didn’t talk to my husband for ground rules” “I have an early morning”

Aside from that she was attractive, articulate and semi-interesting. Lol, it was more like she was non-offensive, but nothing special (personality wise).

We had wine and small foods. I showed her all of the toys she had selected for her birthday. When we came in o handed us small gift bags, when we opened them they were pretty metal plugs with blue jewels, the same as hers. Mine the full size, the other girl, the baby version. She has just started training.

After she left, we went into the room, collar on and o with much care, clean, lubed and slowly stretched me until the plug was fully in.

Her husband had throat fucked me, not what I’m used to and my throat is a bit sore today. It did little for me, but he enjoyed it, so to each their own.

I gave her some birthday o’s and discovered she is not only a bit of a sadist, but also a madochist, she came as I found that one special spot on her clit and nibbled with my teeth.

He flipped her over, took out her plug and started fucking her ass as I was under her. 

A problem I had identified pretty early in sir and I’s relationship was what I referred to as “my vanilla clit”, meaning that the second a girl goes near it I edge, I was very worried over my lack of control, when it comes to revieving oral from a woman.

So here I am, trapped under 2 people and the phone is what seems like miles away. And what does she do? Yes starts licking, every ounce of will power I had …. But I didn’t cum, I did however break a personal record and edged 150 times in about 15 minutes.

After they came, she said she would like to dp me, this time I grabbed the phone and brought up sirs number.

Turns out she wanted us to dp each other. Both plugged, and an 18 inch double sided dildo. Again with such care it was cleaned, condoms on both ends and lube. I know in ge beginning she was moving it with her hand, but as I started to cum, Ther was no need, I took over and with just my viny muscles fucked is both. As I called Sir, I never recall what I say, I just know I beg.

I also never recall how much I cum, but I know I do until it feels like my body will break into pieces.

After we cuddled and laid there for a bit, happy and satisfied. She has a beautiful rive collection and all of us in warm robes went back to the diningroom for cake.

We talked and laughed, before we knew it it was after 10.

They would not let me take transit home, so into the car. They delivered me safe at home. I called sir and in my horrible disjointed way recalled most of the story.

He was happy I had such a nice time. For me it’s a comfort level. With the two of them, I am at ease enough to let my inhabit ions down. It has been a long time since I’ve been able to do that. Plus I woke up today, no bleeding, no cramping!:)

Just a day

The original plan was to go to get my mother’s birthday gift. She decided she did not want to go because she wanted to buy a wardrobe and has coupons or some crap that are only good in march…fine. Problem with this is that she may not be aware ….. I have a life and now she’s not getting her gift until her birthday. I’m busy next week and I told her this multiple times, but I’m pretty damn sure she paid no attention.

If it’s something she doesn’t want to hear, it doesn’t exist.

Again she started with the “I want want you to find a monogamous relationship and settle down.” I think the worst thing I could have ever told her is that Sir and I have an “open” relationship. I just didn’t need her putting pressure on me. Plus the truth, she also doesn’t approve of the age difference and I know this comes from a good place, her having lost my stepfather and starting over again in her 50’s.

She feels that if I had a more traditional relationship, I wouldn’t struggle so hard to make ends meet. I told her I do not want to live with anyone, so please stop. I mean really….it’s my life and I’m going to live it as I see fit. She said she knows me better and there is no way I’m happy like this. So again, Am I Happy? No, lately I’m not.

There was a part of me that was looking forward to this birthday brunch coming up, but after talking to her…..nope. She first off was upset she was not invited with a plus one. Really, I asked her “did you get an invitation?” She said no, but your Uncle was invited. Umm, no he wasn’t, my aunt and female cousin were invited. So I had to explain to her this was done through facebook and without my knowledge, I took over the guest list and it was all females except for Thomas, who incidentally is more female than most of the women invited. My aunt was the one that asked if my male cousin could come, he was not invited. Not to mention that there will be liquor there and even though her boyfriend has almost 20 years sober, he prefers to not be around that…..so yeah, let me invite one guy to please you and have him be miserable???? Then I tel her that they are not paying for it, it is truly just an invite to brunch. She got pissed.She said they did this without me and expect me to pay….I’ll come alone. Why is she so much like dealing with an ungrateful child?

So tonight I need C to put up the cost for brunch, I asked her to weeks ago and she hasn’t. Hope she has the cash to cover the bill, because my family thinks it’s a free meal.

I really didn’t want to write this complaining about her, but that’s been my day so far.

Last night was nice. out with old work husband for a couple of drinks. Talked shop, work and marriage. He’s in counselling with his wife and they seem to be making improvements. Ops, well yeah, I did invite him, but I knew he’d say no, since female A is going. They had a brief and dramatic affair a couple of years ago.

Sir says that when my birthday passes I’ll be better. The understandable blah will go away. If he’s right, I wish it was over already.

I had played with the idea of taking back my vacation time until my cousin said she was coming up. I know Sir likes me to save it for when he’s around, but I really need to not have to deal with work and all the other crap leading up to my birthday. I really need just me time. I have no intention of sitting in my house and my cousin won’t let me. Plus I have to remember I took this job mostly for the vacation. I’ll still have 3 weeks this year after this time off.

I’m heading to the gym in an hour to work off the anger today has left me with. I think the worst part was my mother telling me “your not getting any younger”. Fuck, thanks mom.



Not much in the mood to write today.

Spoke with Sir and changed my weigh in day to Friday. My theory Friday is a good day, as opposed to Monday. Good news for a good day, down 2.6 pounds. The nutritionist said my food diary was amazing and suggested more lean protein for lunch, a bit less for dinner and then it’s better than ever hers.

Got great news yesterday. I had taken some time off for my birthday and was thinking of canceling it, but my most favorite cousin said she took off too and would be coming to stay with me. I miss her, we normally see each other only a couple of times a year, but with both of us turning 40, we’ve already done that. She is coming to a class with me and then even wants to go to a party.

We are too much a like. Her first reaction was “yes!!” Then a couple of texts later….”I’m too fat to go”

I talked her down and told her of the 300 pounds ballerina in nothing but a tutu and she seemed back to being excited.

All was good, but I forgot I changed my tax deductions from married to single and almost died when I saw my paycheck was a couple of hundred less. I was just starting to learn to live within my budget and now have to adjust again.

One treat I am allowing myself…..a friend of mine, a rather talented makeup artist is starting to freelance again. I had enjoyed her to my party and she offered me a deal on some period makeup. It’s a jazz age theme and my outfit is a modern take on the 20’s but I’m going to do finger waves in the front and a super modern chinon in the back of my hair and then the makeup will be dead on.

Luckily I already put aside the cash to cover the 3 birthdays coming up, so even my little bad news won’t affect much this coming month.

But…..sorry Sir, looks like it’s back to the cheap cheese for your best friend and the blonde.

My mother

i totally forgot this until a moment ago.

My mother is a joiner. I’m not. She likeS groups and clubs and organized meetings of all different things.

So aa, I totally get that. 25 years clean and sober and she really needs to stay that way. But… Then she tells me she went to an geology group….

Now to understand my shock was first off she can’t pronounce geology. Nevermind she has no interest in it and has a 7th grade education. This found her sitting in a room with a friend of hers (phd in geology) and a bunch of people 2x her age. She was amazed how “snotty” they were. 

But that’s not the best part she goes to use the restroom and the woman’s room was out of order. Her friend says go in the men’s room I’ll watch the door. Mom has a bit of paranoia about things like that, so she locks the door. 

The door lock jams and she can’t get out, so she starts freaking. Her friend eventually gets her out. Not before all of the people in this group witness this as the restrooms are in the meeting room. So she said ” I don’t think I want to go back there again”.

I suggested maybe a simple rule, if you cannot pronounce the name of the group….don’t go?

Then today I get this gem….



Don’t make me laugh

i walked into a conversation that almost put a hole in my tongue today

L is standing with little R. Yesterday she went home early. No explanation, just a simple “I can’t today”. I said ok. Gotcha.

So she went to the painted pot alone and made a ring holder, she stopped across the street and got an egg salad sandwich. She said the funny thing is, she doesn’t like egg salad…..except her grandmothers. That’s when it made sense. Her grandmothers memory is going and she’s due to get married later this year. 

But….. That’s not what made me laugh. I knew none of this as I walked up to the 2 of them. All I hear is little R saying “I should go back to school for this and become a therapist” L had the look on her face I know so well, the please lord let me not punch her in the face, I can’t afford the bail. 

I (dead stare, resting bitch face on) said “first thing you should do is get yourself a good therapist”.

She said oh I don’t need one. Really? So thankfully she went back inside and l and I had a good talk. More about dealing with R than her grandmother. I told her about yesterday and she complimented my restraint in not punching her. She said she made a similar statement about her weight this morning as well.

I told her I just keep saying “forgive her, she’s the young one and knows no better” to wich L pointed out, she’s a year younger. 

Today my mood is very reflective of the weather. I’m listless, tired and going through sugar withdrawal.

I figured out why I was not loosing weight and it may be related to my morning coffee. Turns out it contains the full amout of sugar (ok maybe 10 grams over) my suggested daily allowance. 

Makes perfect sense. I started drinking this when I got here so now I change back to black no sugar. So the first side effect, headache. It will take a few days, but if the scale moves, then mystery solved.

My foot and your ass should meet sometime 

I just had the most infuriating conversation with little R.

In the past year I’ve gain 20 pounds, since I’m so fucking short it may have well been a 100.

So I’m eating healthy and going to the gym. I guess since I can’t afford to cook for both of us and won’t eat what she brings in she is “concerned”

First she says the typical “your not fat.” See I never said I was fat, I said I gained weight, too me it feels like 100 pounds. I’m still a size 6/8.

Then she starts her bullshit attempt at psycho analyzing me. Are you filling up you life with the gym in order to fill up the emptiness you have. Wtf? No, I don’t thing going to the gym 4/5 hours a weeks is really that big of a deal. 

So I tell her no, a pair of pants I wanted to west doesn’t fit and the dress I was going to wear for my bday didn’t either. That’s it, no other reason than that…..simple.

Then the line…..

“Well maybe your just not supposed to wear those types of clothes anymore”

WTF….. I’m taking a pencil dress and work pants. She knows I’m feeling shitty about my age and she says that. 

Welcome to my day, meetings,document and her fucking bullshit.

The club and a munch

(wishing I was home in my bed)

The three of us went to the club, greeted all the regulars. We were happy, but not overly playful. 

I had a short scene topping M.

Then I asked if L could see if his friend needed a wax bottom. Luckily she did. It was nice and soothing and she followed it up with some knive play and a lite spanking.

I went out to talk to sir, he was on the phone with the widow and they both agreed I sounded like a happy wine drunk, but it was just post scene bliss. 

Back inside and others had started taken my place on the table, funny how it just takes one person to start, then everyone starts playing.

One good flogging and the night was over. 

We drove one person home to the Bronx, cut through queens to get to bklyn and inside of 12 hours we had visited every boro.

I got a quick nap and then out shopping with mom. I was relieved the place we went only allows one person in the dressing room at a time. I was pretty sure there was still remnants of wax I hadn’t gotten off of my back yet.

Back home and just enough time to make healthy food and smg and little b/g came over. They played and took pics with the happy pups and off to the munch we went.

We were there for about 4 hours, it was small only 6 of us, but nice and calm. 

I woke up thinking it was Sunday, ugh, looking at the phone it said “go to work”……damn.

So now I’m at work and drop is setting in. Just need to put it off until I get out of here. Then I can cry in yoga class.

It was the best of Times, It was the worst of Times

Why is it that all days that start off great, some how get real shitty at some point?

True to my resolve, I spent the morning and early afternoon taking care of me. It was an amazing day. I went to the gym, worked out hard and hit the sauna for some alone time. Walked around the neighborhood, even got a much needed mani-pedi.

Back home to take a nap, before that a call to Sir. We (due to my health) have not been in our dynamic for a few months and something he said I came back rather…..strongly at? He swung into D mode and gave me a reminder that I was not being submissive. Clamps and pain, followed by orgasms. All while I had the worst  frown on my face. He told me he was not mad many times and I was still his good girl, but my pout (yes better word for it) was still very much on my face.

So I sent him the email he had not seen in a while. lol, that email that its’ over, I’m done, you need a better submissive….blah x3. During the day I was thinking about how unfair all of my issues have been to him and that was sitting, waiting, in the back of my mind. I even told him one of our newly single friends would make a much better partner for him than me.

Her problems are all mental and I know he could “fix” that. Meaning he could help her heal and he has in a dom, but non sexual way. Plus, hell on paper she’s a much better catch. Great body, sweet personality, financially secure, amazing house and she drives. Logically his dream girl (minus the red hair 😉

Over the next hour I explained this though a couple of emails and calls and Sir said that I am worth the wait. I think that horrible insecure side of me just needed to hear that. Sometimes I feel like I’m not and that falling back into a solitary life would make everyone around me happier.

The other good thing that came out of this emotional outburst was my cunt got wet again. Funny it takes him to assert his D side for me to have any physical reaction. Truth lately not even my hitachi on high got me half as wet as him telling me who I was.

(pause for my morning check to make sure little R is alive and to be annoyed by my mother and her 5 phone calls)

After Sir and I worked things out, It was time to go to dinner and Paddles. L&M picked me up and we went to a restaurant where I used to live. It was a place that ex-husband and I went to celebrate and when things were bad to cheer me up. It serves some of the best creole food outside of New Orleans. Part of me wanted to say let’s not go. I told Sir it was my ex’s birthday and part of me was afraid of running into him. I also told him I’m very tired of living my life afraid of the what if’s. Honestly it was my happy place not his, so why the fuck would he be there?

I was also afraid of it being ruined by old memories.Funny thing happened, I got there and I told them how we used to come Sunday and sit at the bar with apps and drinks. It was a good memory and also the spot where they go to celebrate things, like V-day and birthday’s. The waiters and staff knowing me and well as them gave it a friendly and fun atmosphere. When we were seated I told them the last time I had been there was with my mother or lunch on my last birthday and of brunches I had there and at the sister restaurant. Of crank calling our waiter and other jokes the staff has endured at my friends and I’s expense (always being compensated well in the tip after).

The food was amazing I had duck over fresh veg and Alligator bites. So good, it was worth the workout and saving my calories all day for that one meal.

We were all very full and happy and set to have a good time. It was the second boro on what turned out to be a 5 boro night.

More later……the mother is on her way to pick me up. Side-note, really hoping I got all of the wax off of my back. She’s taking me shopping or a birthday outfit and……well that could turn into an interesting talk if I didn’t 🙂