You know?

i have to say I really don’t like Valentine’s Day. The other night Sir mentioned (like Christmas and nye) this holiday seemed off. I paused, it took me a second of thinking, what holiday? Oh Valentine’s Day!

Oops, I really had forgotten, even though I got little chocolate animals for the girls at work and mom. I’m still trying to find something good for sir. 

I seem to go through the motions, but I have no real feelings of joy around holidays.

I came into work today and my southern boss asked if I had ever been married? Seems he’s having issues and he’s reling on faith to get him through. It was a pleasant conversation as we were both raised catholic and find traditional churches are not our thing.

So is it a matter of faith? As I get older I learn to have less faith in others, I pull back and become super self reliant. I know I do it and it’s because I’m way to hard on myself in general to allow me to let me down.

Not really sure how all of his plays into Sir and i’s relationship, but I’m sure it does. 

I’ve been very down lately, not letting it show. Keeping it to myself. I’m trying to figure out the why….the boss and I also spoke of our mutual dislike of people that are static…..that just accept the way things are, that don’t want to move forward, do more, learn more, be more and even though its temporary I feel like I’m becoming that…static. I told him at 30 I had goals, marriage,house,kids. By the time people reach 40, they are either static in their lives and floating in an upward fashion or the say “fuck this shit” and change it all. That’s what I did and now I have nothing familair(except my old dogs) and have no clue where to go. Youth is no longer an excuse. 

I guess I’m just a bit lost today.

I’m also watching little R repeat all of my mistakes. I feel horrible because a part of me hopes she doesn’t close tomorrow. That she realizes the mistake she’s making….but like me, she won’t.

It’s like watching a fatal accident the moment before it happens.

3 thoughts on “You know?”

  1. This resonates with where I am right now too. So you’re not alone in these thoughts. And I also have that fear of becoming “static” in my life. But then I look back at how far I’ve come and although I’m currently paused…I can see more to come on the horizon.
    Maybe you’re not becoming static, you’re just catching your breath before the next lap.
    Hugs to you…
    Tess

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Tess. I really hope so. The other night my girlfriends asked me why I have such a problem just enjoying the moment, as things are. I mean, I have a roof over my head, a decent job, some good friends and Sir, but I keep wanting more. It made me feel pretty selfish. Yet it didn’t change how I am.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There’s a difference between being selfish and wanting more. You seem to be focused on evolving into the best version of yourself. And that means you’re never settled…you want more. In my humble, submissive opinion there’s nothing wrong with that as long as you recognize what you do have with a spirit of gratitude.

        Liked by 1 person

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