A Good Night Out

Yesterday was super busy.

I got up an hour early, my green drink being delivered and I needed to make sure I got that in the fridge before I went to work.

I went to work, packed up with a bucket and scrub brush, not the normal Friday office bag, unless I started moonlighting cleaning the bathrooms there too.

After 4 hours of working like a madmen to get out three documents that are due Monday I headed to Little R’s new house. Long story very short, she has the cleanest bathroom in all of Brooklyn and after getting really pissed at her I ended up leaving and it took 2 hours to make what should have been a 20 minute trip. The MTA did not go my way, thanks N train. When I got home I told Sir about how she pissed me off, so that I didn’t tell her. She was stressed enough and me adding my attitude to it was not going to help. Adulting sucks, but thanks for listening Sir.

That left me with just enough time to hop in the shower and take care of the pups before I was back on the train for yet another hour.

A couple of weeks ago SMG had asked if I wanted to go see a band that was playing at her theater. In the past she hardly had the opportunity to ever see the shows, but due to a change in her hours it’s now possible. We both got there early and that’s not all that unusual as we are pretty in sync. So in sync that the last time we met up we ended up on the same subway cart.

She brought one of her roomates with her. She was a very nice and friendly, I want to say butch, but no more little boy. She asked what I did professionally and I told her. She works in an upper West side toys store. After a few minutes of comparing our jobs turns out directors and vp’s are just like dealing with over privileged mothers.

The band was fun. They were straight off the plane from Dublin. By that I mean they landed at 3pm and had 2 shows that night. Being Irish they did the best they could and fought through the jet lag to entertain. Every song had a story and a joke. It was an even mixture of folk and Celtic. They even had the stardard murder ballad, but with a twist. It was about a woman that did what she was taught to and had a husband and kids, then fell in love with the light-keepers daughter. Eventually the light keeper catches them fooling around and throws her to her death. You’d think “what a depressing song” but in the style of traditional Irish music it was extremely upbeat.

So little boy has decided she really likes Fet life and is coming with us to her first Munch this Sunday. She wanted to know if there would be anyone there that could teach her rope. She’s very interested in becoming a rope top. I promised if there was I’d introduce her. SMG also said that there is an all girls party in Bklyn that she was going to try to get us into. They hold it once a month and it’s super cheap.

Sir and I spoke and his next visit will be after my birthday. It just makes more sense. My cousin will be coming up and I’d really like for her to stay at my house. Plus my more than dour mood is not something I wish to subject him too. He says that turning 40 is hard, but oddly once the day passes, you just accept it.

Little R called as I was writing this to say thank you for yesterday and to ask for help as to where things go in her kitchen. Ha, what I tried to do for her yesterday. She was just really stressed out and now her mood is improving. Her apartment is big and has some really nice features, but old. I told her, Please just live in it a little bit. She spent her whole inheritance on getting the place and she really makes crap money. A new kitchen and bathroom can wait, what she has now, even though not pretty is very functional. Weird that she thinks the kitchen needs to be redone first. Honestly I’d go with the bathroom. All it needs is a new floor and the entire look would be updated. That’s an opinion I’ll keep to myself for now.


Subconsciene moments

so my original blog title was going to be I HATE YOU x3.

My ex pissed me off yet again. He has a great way of doing that.

But…that was yesterday. I started this blog last night. Later in the night Sir mentioned how my mood was mainly due to subconscious things going on around me. That was after I wrote this title.

I know my birthday is putting me in a foul mood. I’m almost thinking of asking Sir to visit and leave before that day, just in case my mood takes a bad turn.

Calling the doctor today brought me one step closer to the possibility of a second surgery. I really don’t know how I would manage that considering I really can’t afford the recovery time needed. I mean this in a mental and financial way.

The title was actually not in reference to any of these important moments, but due to a show I had asked Sir to find for me. During our pizza with kinky friends, I had said that the more I look back at shows, books and other things that I enjoyed in my 20’s and 30’s I realized most had some type of kink, D/s or BDSM undertones.

So episode 4 comes on and boom, there it is….a fetish club and one of the worst Doms ever. I think that was the reason I had wanted to re-watch this series. Just to see if like the others I had revisited the theme was there. Hell it was called possession. Not just in the demon kitschy kind of way, but in a much more D/s way.

Then season 2 a female character comes in that I had a big girl crush on, I even had my hair cut like hers. Turns out she absolutey domme. 

I started using my old app to track my food and I’m really trying to be healthy. I need to take care of me and it’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I’m super task driven and my hope is if I add myself to my tasks maybe I will feel better.

Tonight my main goal is to take care of me. A bath, some calm time and silence to regenerate. A nice slow yoga practice and some deep breathing. I need to work on my stress reduction.





Such a bitchy slave

Dear Sir,

sorry, I was not the happy slave I normally am when you visit. At least there was a reason. Not that it excuses my moodiness at all.

Thank you for taking care of me last night. I’m not a good patient and im just used to being alone when I don’t feel well.

I’m glad you came and I will be dealing with a horribly depressed little doggie:(

Get home safe.

Your mushy slave

Entertain me

that was what Sir wanted yesterday, so that’s what he got.

No not in that way….

4 kinky friends came over for wine and pizza. They brought champagne, flowers and from fet girls Dom a very special cheese board. Or kitchen paddle.

It was nice, we chatted and laughed and Sir was able to get to know then just a little better than he did before. It was all very cozy and comfy. The paddle was tested just a little before everyone said their goodbyes.

Up Early

As usual.

I’m still super off lately. Not sure why. I know the looming birthday is starting to come into play. C sent me an invite to my birthday dinner. I got pissed. First she didn’t confirm the date with me, the place or the guest list. I held back and didn’t over react, just asked her to change the date. I am only doing this once, I will have one birthday, on the day I was born and that’s it. Plus Sir and I had discussed his next trip and I knew that family and friends would want to do something so I had taken time off. My thought, spend 3 days with Sir. Kiss him goodbye on my birthday morning, go to some type of horrible party, then next day is mom’s birthday and then get a day to myself to recover. She almost messed that up big time.

Funny thing is I took over the guest list. lol, there will be 3 kinky friends coming and oddly they were among the first to say yes. I’m also going to guess my mother is pissed because I told her no parties and here C goes planning one. The venue is nice, it’s 20’s themed and the food is excellent.

Sir and I had a small hiccup yesterday afternoon. I had gotten a bit upset and started to shut down, not wanting to talk about it. He made me and I still have issues saying how I feel in the moment. Problem was I don’t want to meet knew people on days (in my mind) I have set aside for us.

Tonight is a pizza party that Sir had wanted to get to know some friends outside of the club. I get the chance to know people better because I can meet after work for a drink, or go out for birthday dinners and such.  I was under the impression this was a vanilla thing with kinky people and Sir thought otherwise. Plus there is a vanilla girl coming and I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. I thought some pizza, wine and conversation would be a nice way to end the weekend. Everyone coming today has some big drama going on and from the sub girls side, they are really not up for play. They really need conversation and they turn to Sir for good advise.

I guess I should stop typing and start cleaning up the mess from yesterday’s dinner. We had a nice night and I proved to Sir that my crazy little dog will choose wine over anything.


Happy V-day

sorry for the lack of blogging yesterday. Sir and I spent the day in. 

Our original plans cancelled due to the coldest weather we’ve seen this year.

I also didn’t want to blog because I would have rambled on about how broken my cunt hole is ….

Not going to do that because it’s Valentine’s Day and I’m up early, sir is still asleep. 

Today is a day to celebrate those we care about, so in a couple of hours I’ll reach out to those who are important to me and cuddle with sir.

More later

Thanks torchwood

so after dealing with all the little r bull shit, I treat myself to a glass or two of really good wine. I knit and turn on my background noise.

I don’t really like torchwood but who can resist captain jack.

They get sucked into 1940, a jazz ballroom, he runs into … The man he took his name from, knowing he would die the next day. He told him kiss your girl, make the most of this night.

By the end the two of them our dancing, they kiss. He kisses himself. 

That’s a scary thing, when you kiss someone and you see you in them. Not just you, but the very best you.

When he came back, he was depressed,aloof, he said “there were Angels dancing at the ritz” and poured himself a drink. They toasted to him, both of him.

This has happened a few times in my life and it has always ended badly. So now even all this time later, I have ripped down some walls and in many ways built others.

“It was war time and it was beautiful”

You know?

i have to say I really don’t like Valentine’s Day. The other night Sir mentioned (like Christmas and nye) this holiday seemed off. I paused, it took me a second of thinking, what holiday? Oh Valentine’s Day!

Oops, I really had forgotten, even though I got little chocolate animals for the girls at work and mom. I’m still trying to find something good for sir. 

I seem to go through the motions, but I have no real feelings of joy around holidays.

I came into work today and my southern boss asked if I had ever been married? Seems he’s having issues and he’s reling on faith to get him through. It was a pleasant conversation as we were both raised catholic and find traditional churches are not our thing.

So is it a matter of faith? As I get older I learn to have less faith in others, I pull back and become super self reliant. I know I do it and it’s because I’m way to hard on myself in general to allow me to let me down.

Not really sure how all of his plays into Sir and i’s relationship, but I’m sure it does. 

I’ve been very down lately, not letting it show. Keeping it to myself. I’m trying to figure out the why….the boss and I also spoke of our mutual dislike of people that are static…..that just accept the way things are, that don’t want to move forward, do more, learn more, be more and even though its temporary I feel like I’m becoming that…static. I told him at 30 I had goals, marriage,house,kids. By the time people reach 40, they are either static in their lives and floating in an upward fashion or the say “fuck this shit” and change it all. That’s what I did and now I have nothing familair(except my old dogs) and have no clue where to go. Youth is no longer an excuse. 

I guess I’m just a bit lost today.

I’m also watching little R repeat all of my mistakes. I feel horrible because a part of me hopes she doesn’t close tomorrow. That she realizes the mistake she’s making….but like me, she won’t.

It’s like watching a fatal accident the moment before it happens.

Real estate woes

for the past 2 years little R has been trying to sell one place and buy another.

It took her over a year to sell and she’s had one place fall through right before closing and now due to her attny and the banks screw ups, she may loose another.

Her closing was set for tomorrow. Since I’ve gotten back from vacation she’s been a wreck and with reason.

I’m really trying to deal and be helpful, but her mood swings are ……horrible. I miss good, he’ll I even miss the fake happy R.

Last night I got sick, now I’m dealing with her while trying to fight off something flu like. I just hope I don’t loose my shit with her.

I also need to pull through a really busy work day, then yoga, laundry and I have to pick up wine for Sir’s visit. All things I’d normally enjoy, now feeling like a chore.