A new kind of list

So with the massive amount of yoga classes I’ve been going to, im always asked to set intentions for my practice.

Most days they are simple, make it through the next hour. Other days they are to like myself, or some variation of that.

Lately it’s been more external.

To forgive.

That’s the biggest one. My list is a mile long and it’s full of major things. It’s not the lady that pushed me on the bus or anything like that.

I don’t forgive, I move on.

This is something I need to figure out.

Also how to love.

It’s been said a million times, but if you don’t love yourself, you really can’t love others.

Most days I like myself, but I hardly ever love me. I’m doing better at showing myself love. I do this when I stick to my diet or stand up for myself. The problem is until I can forgive others I won’t be able to love me or those around me.

I’m lucky, part of my list for this year was to be more open and to get rid of my toxic realationships and I think I’m doing a decent job at that.

I may sound like I’m being blah, but I’m not, just killing time in my head until my next meeting.

“B” is my mustard

long story, but Sir found a sure way to make sure I’m a good girl.

It’s the threat of having to have a conversation with b. Or more accurately being tied up and ball gagged while he talks 🙂

So he asked for a happy blog.

Let’s see I do have some things to be happy about:

I don’t owe the IRS and by the end of the summer all of my financial ties will be cut to my ex!

Sir and I finally have a nice trip planned, where (fingers crossed) I won’t be sick or blah.

Both of my little dogs have clean bills of health from the vet.

I’m sure there’s more, but that covers the highlights. 

Oh but wait, the patches from fet girl worked a miricle on my right hip, now to get more for my left one!

Looking forward to this weekend, but I really need to not overdue it. I need to keep it balanced and make sure I carve out a little me time.

Crossing the street

the weirest thing happened yesterday.

I was heading to a late yoga class and I’m standing waiting to cross and my brain snapped….. Your 40, standing here on the street, 40, not a young girl. I stopped it…. Fought back that voice with the thought of …. Yeah that’s right, 40 and still doing most of the things I love. 

Not 40 and near dead as my mother was. Not 40 and on the verge of a breakdown like my aunt, or worse, 40 and in mental institution like my other aunt.

As I crossed the street, I was a proud 40.

I know I still have many things to work on and a conversation I had with Sir about my legs has me feeling a little down.

Whatever…. I’m at work and I have more than enough meeting to keep my mind busy.

Trying to balance busy

its the story of my life.

Either I have a billion things to do or nothing at all.

According to my calendar my next free day is may 15! I’m going to need a mental health day well before then.

In my quest to become physically fit, I just registered for jump classes, this could be great or a totally failure. One of my work friends is going with me, so at least I won’t be embarrassed alone.

I’m glad Sir and I made plans for next trip. He will be coming up next week and we have some nice things planned.

Aside from that…. Not much is going on in my head today.

It’s weird, I have tasks and meetings, but the day as a whole is pretty boring.

Easter Monday

after the adventure that Saturday was, sunday was very calm.

Up early and 2 hours at the gym. Over to my aunts for Easter (early) dinner. One cousin need to go to work, the other was so hung over, after one bite she went back to bed.

My mother made many comments referring to her sober anniversary and my cousins hangover.

After dinner a nice nap on the couch and then to moms to be tech support.

Back home, talked to sir and then bed.

This morning I’ve been chatting with Fet girl. Talking about possible plans for friday and both trying to figure out what we want/need and expect from our possible new Dom/domme. 

Shhh work is boring and lite, most people are sick or working from home.

I sent sir a few dresses im thinking of getting if, and only if, I don’t have to fork over all of my savings to the IRS.

Hope to find out later.

Lists part2

On the phone with Sir reviewing my list, hard and soft limits.

So what prompted the lists was a profile that Sir found on CS. A female Domme, attractive and local. First thought, must be a fake.

After a little texting she offered to skype, (not my thing) and we set a time and place to meet. As usual I got there a little early and got a text she was running late. Right there I was like “great”, she’s a he, or I’m just getting played and some creep is around the corner. Luckily I had timed it so that I would be going from there to a Fetish party only a couple of blocks away, so if I was followed I’d end up in a group where I knew people. I subconsciously did this, because I just remembered my ex dom had once sent a girl to meet “me” at a place one of his friends worked at. She was a fake and never showed, but I guess I had that in the back of my mind.

A few minutes later I got a message, “stuck in traffic in a cab” with a selfi attached. So I kept the faith and waited. When she walked in she was exactly as per pics and profile showed. What was more noticeable was her energy. She was full of life, passionate about her slave and her best friend (also a Domme). She was open and honest from the very beginning. She was not afraid to tell me of her vanilla and kink interests, showing me pics of her views, cat and even a scene she had with “Poor P’ (as I referred to him many times over the few hours we spent chatting”

We told stories of all of the unusual people we received messages from, some of them were the same people. She told me of a date with a couple the prior night that went bad. They were very into drugs and that was a hard limit. She even said that when the waitress came back and asked if I wanted another glass of wine and I decline, she did as well. Noting that she needs to keep in the same mindset as the person she is with. I told her of the douchbag Dom from a couple of weeks ago.

We spoke of Sir, but not in a 50 questions way. It was more of a “SO you have ___, with “poor P”….blah x3. The entire time I could tell she was gauging my reactions to stories and paid attention to every word I said. She even told a story of her friends slave accidentally telling her friend he would “Do anything” (he got in trouble for something) and how that is never a good thing to tell a Domme that owes you. I agreed wholeheartedly. I sometimes make the mistake of thinking Sir doesn’t remember things I say and it comes back to bite me in the (still bruised) ass.

She also said she makes her slave wright, not only in blog form, but also a note pad of corrections written 100-500 times. He enjoys it and even tells her when he’s had too little free-time. Yet they have a more normal life as well. He works and they have vanilla friends and family, but for a few hours a day ….. they have their dynamic. e both agreed 24/7 is just not a realistic thing, it would take the fun out of it and make it much more a job than a pleasure. She told me he sleeps on the floor and I must have made a face at that. She laughed and said, what I don’t tell people Is that it’s on a $600 feather comforter and $100 silk pillowcases:). She said he is by far the most spoiled slave and loves it. Sleeping in bed would be a punishment for him. I guess to each his own, I love my bed.

Her Domme friend is married to a vanilla man. He knows all about the lifestyle and has accepted it. She’s going through fertility treatments and gets horrible bursts of sadistic anger and tears. I explained my past (briefly) with that and how horrid the mood swings were.

We spoke of the need of good pain, even from the Domme side. She works very hard in the gym training and she feeds on that kind of good pain, just as I do.

At a point, she mentioned she was meeting a subbie guy and he was standing around the corner now for 45 minutes. She said I’m so sorry but I have to ask you to leave, I don’t want to be too rude to him. She said no worries about the bill and asked me to send her a list of both hard and soft limits.

I mentioned that Sir said it was about time, I was due to meet someone good, as the past few meets had been not so great. She agreed and said I was the first sub girl she’s met that was not a flake and was actually a female. We parted as the male was walking in.

I continued on my way, calling Sir for a brief update. The party was a bust. I went in only because it was in a professional photo studio. It brought back nice memories of my time as a makeup artist.

Fet girl and I played phone tag a bit, but never did meet up. Thinking I would get home early I headed for the train. The conversation Sir and I had about going to another party with the machine ended as we both agreed, The machine is nothing without him there. The MTA had other plans for me and after many delays and 4 transfers later I was home, safe and sound.

Thank you Sir.


Stressful times

Thursday and Friday was just one long day.

Plans to run home nap then grab a drink with old work husband and later hang out with c.

Old work husband showed as always. C cancelled because she was running 2 hours late, as always. Funny I came out to old work husband and he took it well. He even wants to go to a party at the end of April.

Spent some time on the phone. I’m not going to write about that, because it’s not my story to tell.

By the time I passed out it was nearing 10pm. It was good stress as all the work stuff I did came out well.

Today is one of those days that can either go really well or fall to shot really quick. Plans to meet a Domme for wine for the first time, then an invite to a soft opening of a new party. I really wish one of my friends had planed to go, but being the day before Easter everyone has plans, both vanilla and other. So I’m going to put Fet girl as my plus one in case her date finishes early.

I’m only going to see how the space is and to get a little esteem boost. I know that sounds horrible, but looking at the list….there don’t seem to be any appealing girls going and now that I’m back to the gym everyday I’m feeling slightly better about myself.

I told Sir before that I was cranky. This morning was laundry, gym and errands and I was really in such a bad headspace. I kept triggering…..all bad memories popping up out of nowhere during yoga. Shit with the ex’s, my family, my mom…..I was just stressing myself out silently. On my way home the ex-husband called. He picked up my w2 from my aunt and was headed to the accountant. He wanted to know his son’s social…I stopped myself from saying, “shit for brains, your accountant has it and What did you do with it, since I gave you all of his paper work?” I didn’t. Instead I said…”you must have it at home, call him later with it. This was just an excuse for him to call so I don’t. He has my number blocked on his phone. Nice, right? I really can’t wait until he files for this divorce. The onlt good thing he said is that he got another side job, so I’m hoping he will start paying his part of the IRS bill.

So back to telling Sir I was cranky. He told me to put the binder clamp on my clit and I just started crying….real tears and went straight to subspace. I continued to cry after it was off, after he let me cum…just tears and more tears.

Now I’m calmer. I just wish this day was over already.

Thanks Sir, I know you haven’t been feeling well, but I really did need that.

Time to finish my list of stuff to do.