The Allergic Slave

I love spring, but it hates me.  The change of weather and more sunlight is a welcome thing if it did not come with the high pollen count. It started Sunday night and by 3pm yesterday I was headed home. With all of the health crap I’ve dealt with this year this is more of a nuisance than anything. I just need to make sure it doesn’t turn into a chest infection, so meds and sleep and lots of fluids.

Yesterday Sir wrote me a nice long email. It was what I needed to get through the day. It spoke of the bad birthday coming up and the mixed feeling about spending the day with my stepson. It is true, we had such a good time, after I just felt empty inside. He wants me to do things that take care of me, like encouraging me to go to yoga if I could and to find a nice local park to unwind in after work. None of the parks are close to me, but with things warming up I can walk a different path home that will lead me to one.

We also discussed yesterday’s blog and me realizing my need of another female. He said it doesn’t make me any less “his” and I guess that’s a concept I have a really hard time understanding. I’ve been in relationships that allowed a female in, but only as a third, only about sex. I know me and if this past year has taught me nothing, I know that I can separate sex and feelings, but…..I don’t really want to.

For instance, any play partners that I’ve had and really enjoyed have been friends, some no longer have play involved, but I care for them deeply and we have bonded and meshed in a way that we are genuine friends in the most kinky and vanilla way.

He also asked why I thought that “cunt brain” had made a return.

The most obvious reason was the play at O’s birthday, but it was more than just that. I felt very much his, following his commands again, but there was more. It was that the play was with people I really like, interesting, nice and genuine people. It was also very balanced there was a very social part of the night, then play was respectful, no limits even close to broken. Also the aftercare in the version of soft robes and decadent cake along with lots of laughs. I still dealt with a little good girl guilt, but it really couldn’t have been a better night. Mainly because I like them and Sir found them, so I know he feels the same way. It was a security that I was doing something he wanted and I enjoyed with no drama friends.

But the problem I still have is that I have no way to not have feelings for others. Meaning if I find that ever illusive local like minded girl, what happens if I fall in love. I know it can happen and that’s something I’ve always said, no, not me, not ever. Is that what it really means to be bi? Not just I like both sexes equally, but I can love them both? That’s an old debate in the swingers world between being bi and bi-cur. That’s why I’m still afraid.

Sir says it would do me a world of good, but what if it destroys us in the process?

I’m sure I’m not the first subbie girl to have these feelings, but I’m discovering that I have a real inability to shut down my feelings. So far they only manifest in really good friendships, but I know it can become more. What’s even scarier, in some weird way I want more. Not to ruin Sir and I’s relationship, but to have someone that’s “mine” as he has me? I’m not sure I’m expressing this correctly, but it goes back to walking into the house after a long day and having a woman’s arms to fall into. It’s not about kink to me and that’s why I’m so hesitant. I’m guessing I’m also having an allergic reaction to my feelings as well…..



2 thoughts on “The Allergic Slave”

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