thats me!

I hurt and I need a hug!

But…. I’m stuck at work. I don’t want one from little R because she’s been a bitch. 

I was talking to Sir last night. We were discussing my need of a domme, because with subbie girls, nothing happens aside from chatting and friendship and I said something to him in passing, that the more I think about it is really quite true.

I told him, im not a switch and don’t have a Domme bone in my body, I just like to give girls good pain. So I guess I’m a sadist, pain and cuddles are my kink, giving, revieving , It really doesn’t matter, I like them both equally.

I really don’t know why I’m in such a mood….

I hate getting like this and I always do when I play and Sirs not around. I have good play partners and they always give after care, but I never drop right away unless sex is involved.

Plus I miss sex, not random patty swinger sex, but real holes filled by someone you connect to sex. I miss looking in Sirs eyes when I cum. It’s funny because when I cum and he’s not physicAlly there I keep my eyes shut.


I’m a Liar

Sounds very familiar….

I’ve been lying for years. There’s times when I don’t even know when I’m being truthful~ if I’m being honest with you. I’m not a malicious or intentionally deceitful person, but nonetheless I’m a liar, and my guess is nearly all of you are as well. My whole life I’ve been doing what I thought […]

Reality check

the vacations over, back in the office and I feel as if I never left.

I only cried once so far, that’s not bad after a week off.

I had a nice visit last night from the widow. She explained so many things that I’ve already discussed with Sir and I now understand her much better.

Next time Sir is in town, we are going to have dinner and maybe play. This gets me a little nervous. Since I’m at work, Nope don’t want to deal with that right now.

I know a big part of it is because I haven’t seen Sir in over a month, plus when I have, I was not well. Funny that plays games with your head…. Those little voices start coming up. For now, shhhh, don’t have time for my doubts.

Fml…. Gotta go put out another corporate fire….

Side note: did you know that hitachis really do work on muscle pain??? 

Last piece of cake

So one piece of cake is 2 hours in the gym, or at least in my mind.

Mom and I had a nice lunch, no snarky comments, no fights. I didn’t complain about my age. I even told her what Sir said that it was a big birthday for her too, since she is now old enough to have a 40 year old kid. She appreciated that.

The only time I got a little snippy was over her boyfriends birthday gift. For years I’ve been trying to convince her to get a tablet. She says no, she won’t pay for the internet service. Now all of a sudden her boyfriend wants to buy it and she agrees. Problem with that, it’s still my duty to find her the right one……so later I’ll be asking Sir for his opinion.

I had warned my cousin about drop and I got a midnight text that it was happening, I feel horrible I wasn’t awake, but at least she knew so she wouldn’t be thinking she was going nuts. It hit her the way it hits me…..the undeniable sadness.

I unfortunately dropped while I was out with my mother. It was sunny so I had my dark glasses on. I cried 7 times in car. All it took was for a song that had some kind of memory attached to it.

Later a couple of friends came over and we had sushi and wine. We chatted about nothing and everything. It was a good time.

Today is the last day of vacation and I’m at the last of my list. Gym, pick up a few things at the store, groom the dogs, take a long bath, then a late yoga class and then off to bed. Today I’m taking a day to just be with me. Even Sir noted I need some alone time as I’ve been filling every minute of the day with people. I need to recharge, so I can go back to work refreshed because right now I’m emotionally drained.

The day after

My cousin is gone and the apartment feels empty.

I know Sirs right and I will eventually have that 5 minute good cry. I think keeping so many people around me has just been a good distraction method.

Brunch was a great success. My mother only pissed me off once.It was funny to have my best vanilla, vanilla kinky and just totally kinky friends together with my family to see how this very diverse group got along.Two tables of 10. There was nothing but laughter.

A smaller group of us strolled down the block for one more drink before parting.

There were 4 memorable moments.

My goddaughter coming in to say happy birthday.

Getting to talk to fet girl about the widow.

Little r almost getting bitch slapped by C. C sat down and had a scarf on (not unusual) and little R screams “Is that a hickey?” Well it was….C didn’t jump over the table at her, instead she later told me she mentally said she’s the young one and shhhed her.

Last…..N got to meet the entire cast of characters in one sitting. She put names and faces to all of the stories I’ve been telling her for almost a year. She got the biggest kick out of it and was happy how well she fit in.

Today is mom’s birthday. The only time I almost cried yesterday was when I was on fb and saw the yearly memorial picture for my stepfather. Two years now he’s been gone. The hurt I feel less often, but I don’t feel his loss any less.

Today I’ll make it about her, since I know yesterday neither of us mentioned him, but both of us thought of him. It will be a day just as full as the last 5. First heading to the gym and later a couple of friends coming over for wine in yoga pants.

I really miss Sir. I know this was a time I had to be without him, not that he’s not always there by phone or email. I have a feeling tonight I’ll feel his absence the most. When things get calm and quiet and it just me and my toothless little old dogs.





So…it’s here

I made it, I am officially 40.

Not sure how I feel about this yet. So far 3 people have cancelled on brunch. I’m not really phased. I got four hours sleep and I’m way too wide awake.

Yesterday was fun. Brunch with L&M. Off for the last bit of pampering (manicure) before my cousin and I have to enter the real world (not full of spa treatments) again.

But….that’s not the fun part.

Back to Paddles again. This time a new cast of characters. Fet girl, her play partner, then later her Dom, B&bb, that french guy, and, yup my cousin, plus the regulars like indian guy with the pretty hair and 007.

As we entered I told Jean to take the tour. Plus I got to go with her. It was fun to see this world through a new set of eyes. As we went along I said a hello here and a hello there.

In the last spot I find a mostly naked Fet girl and her play partner, who was her first ever play partner long long ago. She had just finished a scene and was ready for another one. Ever the exhibishnist, she decided to string me up on center stage. She was more than teasing as he was flogging me. At first it was a little weird with my cousin sitting there. Then fet girl started to finger me, I had no permission to cum, nor did I have cell service to ask. At one point I told her I might break her fingers with my cunt muscle, she laughed, wrong reaction. She learned, nope wasn’t kidding and ended up with 2 very sore fingers. It was a nce playful scene, her playing the brat and me being her human shield.

My cousin later telling me, she kept saying …”oh those are my cousins boobs, its only boobs”. She was then offered to see what a flogger felt like. So up on the stage she went. I existed so she could enjoy it without seeing me, over at the bar I found that french guy. Lol, he was sitting there with a big smile. Fun thing is you can’t tell who is watching in the shadows when you on stage. He was very respectful and a kiis on each cheek he complimented our scene. I watched to make sure my cousin was ok and she was. The scene only stopped due to her shoulders getting numb from having her hands tied over head.

That was when I knew she was going to be ok and I only needed to watch her because she was fresh meat.

Over to a spanking bed and fet girls got a nice belting. Then the clock struck midnight and the birthday spanking that lasted 2 1/2 hours began. Her dom came in, him a rightly and her play partner a lefty. I was bent over the bed her being a very bad counter and them each taking a cheek and a turn. She counted to thirty, with half’s thrown in for good measure. B&BB showed up and for the first time ever I saw them play. Actually they were in their own scene all night long, but they had a great time.

Pretty haired Indian guy offered my cousin a spanking and she accepted. M’s subbie guy offered her a foot rub, ditto. I checked in on her and floated from scene to scene, also calling Sir to see how he was feeling.

That french guy and I watched fet girl and dom have a super sexy scene. He said he noticed that the club had a group of young, dressed up people, but the were S&M (stand and model). This was something we had explained to him at the much. Pretty people, that just don’t do much. He was amazed at the beauty of two partners that knew each other well and the connection they had in the scene. He was so happy he walked around with a permanent smile all night. He never played and was the most respectful voyeur.

Back at the bar, my cousin told me “holy shit, I just came” lol, I said why what did he do, she said spanked my inner thigh. Then she said she was tired so she had a foot rub and her toes sucked and got a card for M’s subbie boy. He like to do NSA housework.

I had a light scene with fluffy haired indian guy. He has a light sensual spanking technique and after the abuse of near 60 birthday belt spanks It felt nice. Plus I hit subspace pretty deeply.

The night was coming to a close. Cousin was talking to 007, he’s been around since the hell fire days and he is an escape artist. So she was tieing him into a straight jacket as fg’s Dom remembered he still owned me 10 plus 1 for good luck.

He took out the dreaded punishment stick. This thing is both thuddy and stings. Not many of his play partner can take more than three strikes. Over Fet girls lap and the last 11 we given. I screamed bloody murder and then she held me and we had some nice cuddles before everyone left.

Good by’s all around. I will be seeing a few of them at my vanilla party in just a couple of hours.  I went looking for my cousin and she was still playing with the escape artist, she then said I just need a few minutes, I promised this one last guy he could spank me!

lol, apple doesn’t fall far from this kinky tree. We were one of the last people out of the club and she was so happy.

When we got home I told her what drop was and prepped her very gently for the feelings that may occur today.

Sir sent the most mushy email and I almost cried good tears. DD called, It was so special to hear her voice for a happy birthday wish.

There were times last night that in a scene I would instinctually look for Sir. It’s weird I would almost expect his hand to pop up on my back as I entered subspace to steady me.

It’s funny how just one year ago this week, I met most of these people. Also last year that girl I was would never have gone to celebrate her birthday, play without command, or tell anyone (especially family) of her kinky adventures. Now….I’m not different, I’m just not afraid.






Super busy slave

I discovered yesterday I should do kink walking tours of the city.

We started semi-vanilla, the museum of sex. Walked over to A&J lingerie. I couldn’t resist a stroll down the wholesale lane. I even got a birthday tiara and a really nice pocketbook. I came out of there with a bag full of goodies. I’ve been searching for leggings with the skirt attached. Check that off the list for less than 5 bucks!

But back to the kinky stuff. I found this dress I really liked at the class on Wednesday and managed to get it for $15 cheaper, so I took that extra cash and brought the matching stockings. The crazy old spanish lady was funny. I thought she was going to make my cousin cry. We were discussing sizes, she looked at me and said oh, look for the S/M. I gave her a really? look. First rule of fetish wear is always size up, so I took off my coat and showed her my ass and she said “oh how the lord has blessed you (she was rail thin). She then corrected herself and said, no go M/L unless it’s assless:) Then the stockings she said I know your short but these have no give, so do the plus size. I was fine with this considering the material, I had to agree.

My cousin found a piece she liked and the woman was like “oh no, you need this section and took her to the queen size collection. She was so upset. This time last year she was only 102 pounds. Due to health issues and lots of steroids she has gained weight and she’s shorter than me, so she was very embarrassed. I tried to cheer her up, but she walked out empty handed. I haven’t tried any of it on, so honestly I have no idea if it fits, but my thought for tonight was 1920’s Berlin. Finger waves, dark eyes, lots of shiny kinky stuffs.

We walked from there to Purple Passion. I gave my cousin a tutorial on implements since she is moving into selling them, not just vanilla toys. From there we walked to one of my happy places, very vanilla, trader joe’s wine store. I showed her how I wine camel and brought 6 bottles to refill my wine rack for next to nothing.

We headed up to the east side for a groupon wine tasting and dinner. Along the way we stoppped in a couple of second hand stores. I found a back up dress in case the crazy old lady was off with her sizes.

The wine tasting was good and well worth the travel. On the way home I thought my arms would break, but we manages to get all 7 bottles home, yup, I didn’t know the dinner came with a bottle to take home!

In total we walked almost 8 miles yesterday and as a treat I made her a nice lavander detox bath before bed. She’s still sound asleep and I’m heading to the gym for cardio, sauna and yoga to start my day.

I’m starting to get a little …… I don’t know how to describe it. I’m still not feeling well about this birthday and my cash is running low because of all of my things I’m doing to try to keep me preoccupied. Today will be another day of running and events. I have this horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I’ll wake up tomorrow and I will no longer be able to ignore the fact that my birthday has arrived.

Funny side note: When Sir originally asked what I would like for my birthday, I said a juicer. So the pic is just a different version of one:)

Life sometimes makes you pass out

Highlights since last blog.

Cousin came in.

Boring g-spot class.

Poor little dog gets teeth out (#2)

Cousin gets Fet account.

We revive her sex toy business.

Plans are made for the future.

Little Chinese lady makes me cry.

L comes over for coffee.

Drama occurs in poly-land.

I have roll and roaster for the first time and still manage to weigh in and not be 140 at 40 (14 pounds left to go to my goal of 125)!!!

I’ve been so busy doing things to generally keep my mind from going to that dark place. @ more days until the birthday and I have enough planned that I even have to set aside time to write.

Funny thing I couldn’t tell Sir (to much mixed company when we speak. Yesterday we went for facials and massages. This 100 pound girl hit a spot on my ass that was so tight from all of the cardio and yoga I cried. real tears and as soon as she stopped….I mentally went “Oh SHIT”, the extreme pain from that cramp and pressure point made me squirt. No orgasm, but the good pain was so incredible and the release caused my body to think it was impact play. So even with no happy ending, a pain slut like me still gets relief from a good deep tissue massage.

I was having a really hard time with my birthday for a few reasons. The big one, I had no plan…no 5 year plan. My cousin was in the same boat, so after 2 days together…..we fixed that. We came up with something that will help the both of us financially, and career wise and with other personal issues. I’m not going to outline it here. I really need to talk or write a long email to Sir first to see if he agrees.

We have another 2 days of fun and adventures before she goes home and the snow moves in. I even came up with a plan for the snow. I’m going to keep busy with a nice little decorating project.

All of the excitement and stress and long talks lead to me passing out last night. I felt so bad that Sir was worried, but also that we id not have our tuck in call. It’s something that I have come to look forward to each night and I woke up feeling very off without it.




Upwardly mobile slave

just out from my performance review and I am officially promoted.

They are still getting the dollar and cents bit figured out…..fingers crossed that it’s good.

So today I’m grateful that my hard work is recognized. (I’ll write that down later Sir)

Waiting to hear from the cousin on her eta.

Reapeat: I just have to get through today

Then 6 days of no work stress. I’ve decided to ignore the whole sunday thing. Problem, im pretty damn sure there’s a birthday cake happening.

Not my happiest Tuesday

I had horrible dreams. The type that make me doubt everything and anything.

Waking before the 5:30 alarm, i Got up and went right to the gym. An hour on the eliptical and I was semi-normal, but by the time I got to work I was numb.

Little R was very excited that I was coming over and I really couldn’t even fake it for her. It was my monthly crazy prep day and I was running all over the office. I was in hyper dom mode and got more done than most in a month.

My cousin is groupon crazy do aside from wine and dinner night, we also have a facial and massage planned. Gotta love her and her good gifts. My gift to her is a museum and fetish day. It should be lots of fun.

I’m home now and slightly getting over myself and my issues. Fet girl reached out and we may meet up this weekend. I told her that I’ve been very withdrawn lately. I feel extremely separated from life.  I mean I function, oddly very very well I’m just very detached.

Not sure why I’m like this, but…..oh well