sorry, blog is late, due to looking for birthday gift ideas. Some odd things, some practical, some not.

Yesterday was fun. Killed myself at yoga. Funny moment the teacher in her usual speach decided to focus on gratitude. For as bitchy as I am about this birthday, gratitude is a word that is popping up everywhere.

Yesterday was the monthly munch. We got a decent crowd. I say we because now I’m an official backup munch throwing person (hostess?) 

Mostly men, funny because the last 2 were mostly women. One swinger guy told some really funny stories and then there was the french guy. I became his bdsm wiki. His English was great, but phrases like vanilla threw him.

Back home early and my diet still intact I had a long conversation with my cousin. Just 2 more days and then she’s in for the week.

Not much else going on here…..

A really good day

After the drama of last night, today I decided to do what I want to and to be around those I want to.

but first the concert……..

It was amazing. Yes she’s older but her voice is still pure and soulful. She interacted with the audience and till was ever the performer. She danced as if she was still 25. You could see she still loved what she did. Also as many woman do when they age, she admitted to only playing the venues she liked. So her performances are limited but still sell out in minutes. I saw a grace about her, instead of fighting the age as I am, she embarrassed it and for her it works. The last time I saw her was in 1995. I even found a clip of it:

I really liked that she still closed the show with “Thanks and Gratitude”. I could be in the worst mood ever and when I hear that song, I can’t help but sing and dance. It’s a good reminder of the fact that there are thinks to be thankful for. That you need to have gratitude for even the smallest things.

Back to today:

I woke early….chores, gym. errands…off with female A for brunch in semi-hipsterville. Doing my due diligence, I peeped the menu before hand. Decided on something very flavorful, yet still good for my diet. I even accounted for my drinks during brunch, so I know that I didn’t go over board. We played a furious game of catch up. I told her about old work husband, little R, the adventure with O. Along with many other things. She filled me in on work drama and her latest failed relationship. It was good, I texted her “thank you for today” and something along the fact that she is the only bitch, I can bitch about the other bitches with. I miss her. She was a big part in me surviving ex-husband and ex-dom. We laughed and she brought me the most amazing art-deco cuff bracelet. It has weight it and is beautiful in it’s simplicity.

When I got home, a quick call with Sir. He had sent me pics of his day with his nephew and I was amazed at in the past year how much he has matured. We have a dream of setting up my beautiful cousin with him. There’s a little age difference but in about 5 years it won’t mean a thing. I enjoy when he includes me in the little things he takes joy in.

After I got off the phone I set C a message “watcha doing?” she says taking her daughter for a haircut….and after?, come over?….possible…I tell her I have her bottle of prosecco chilling now for a month!….her response “you had me at watcha doing?” lol, so maybe a little girls night. We really haven’t had any time together since vacation. She’s been busy with work and mom’s chemo. She finally told her husband she wants a divorce and they are no longer sleeping in the same room, so I’m sure she had much to get off her chest.

It’s amazing that when you do the things you enjoy and surround yourself with people you really like, you mood can change in the blink of an eye.


Flat left again

i believe this is my last night out with sw a. As I explained to sir, she’s a party girl, a real Peter Pan complex.

So since I couldnt afford a big dinner in the city, she turns to me as we are leaving the show and says “you’re ok to get home alone, right?” I say yeah I’m a big girl, travel the subway all the time.

She said oh we talked about it and we are going bar hoping and for food.

You know that girl code shit, yeah with her it doesn’t exist!😱

So I have my reasons for not saying, oh I’ll stay out all night and spend my entire birthday fund. 

I need to get up early

I really can’t afford it

I used the last of my calories on a crappy slice of pizza with her before the show

Last, I discovered tonight, I just don’t enjoy her company. 

I almost didn’t recognize her. She’s put on about 80 pound, she’s slovenly, book wise brilliant, no common sense at all!!!

So she asks “what’s the deal, why do you never have money?”

I tell her the short version, more rent, more taxes, paying off debt. She laughs and says “that’s why I work 3 jobs, so on a night out I can spend what ever I want”

I tell her, that’s not a life for me, I value my time with friends and family and I enjoy having time to keep a clean house and go to the gym.

So now we are basically taking shots at each other in the most polite way. She says well today I cleared a path through my apt….. I think, congrats.

She also asks,”so if you don’t have money to go out (meaning food and drinks all night) why are you busy every weekend”, I say there’s more to do in life than drink and eat.

It continued along that line until she got off the train to continue her night.

The concert was great, but that’s another post for tomorrow.
Foot note: her average night out runs anywhere from 2-500 dollars. Not something I can or want to do at this point in my life.


Yes, one word.

This is a phrase my mother said yesterday that has not been mentioned in my family in years. There’s historically one female in every generation (on my nana’s side) that carries this title. Please indulge me as I try to explain this is in no way a negative title.

It was a title given to my Nana when she became a woman by her mother. It means that when life gets hard, you glow. More like you take every extra moment and improve your outward appearance. It’s a way of taking back control. Not control from a person, but control, because things in life are happening that are out of your control. So all of a sudden….your hair is done, you never leave the house without makeup, you somehow manage to get new clothes, you drop weight. It also extend to your surroundings. The house is just a little cleaner. The things are placed in perfection. The windows start to sparkle because you’ve cleaned them (maybe everyday).

I even once explained this to my oldest work husband. It was an explanation I gave him to explain eating disorders. That when the world is spinning the only thing you can control is you. So you need air to breathe, but you have total control over what enters or doesn’t and what stays in your body.

Abeautifulwreck also corresponds with the one female a generation that I believe is submissive. Submissives live their entire lives in one way or another giving up control. It’s often times given to people that don’t deserve it. When this happens, they…..take it back, or try to, but by that time, there’s little left they can do.

So the context:

My Mother: “So I’ve noticed some changes in you”

me “like what?”

Mother: “your becoming Abeautifulwreck again”

She’s right. It’s why the past couple of days, people are getting on my nerves. They haven’t changed. I am.

(paragraph deleted -emailed to Sir)

So now here I am, heading in a similar direction. Gym everyday, logging all of my food. All of my spare change invested somehow in my outward appearance.

This time, it’s not like the last, I have Sir to keep me in check. Still for forty I will do what I’ve been taught. I will wear the mask of a happy well put together woman, all the while, I silently freak out.


Fake problems

ever meet someone that has fake problems? I’m taking about my dog has a bump, omg, he’s dying! 

Turns out it’s a pimple, 200 bucks later and the vet pops it…..(true story)

So said fake problem person asks “whacha doing” I say looking on zillow, I got my lease and my rent is going up. I immediately follow it up with, but I don’t need your help, because I’m not looking to move and my lease is good until July. 

The fake problem person jumps and says too late,……(crap) sends a great apt, too bad it’s a roomate wants not a rental.

I explain that im really ok, I just had a couple of moments and needed to see for the new price if there was anything out there better, I can’t really afford to move again.

She says”I’m done with you and l, you don’t want any help from me, it’s fine when you need something, if not you shut me out”

(Problem…. She is always in need, not us. She also never asks how we are, but because L didn’t ask how the pimple dog was doing, she doesn’t care. So I get the why didn’t you tell me? Tell you what? That I got my lease in the mail….your not my fucking husband, nor do you pay my rent and this is not something I’m worried about. Rent stabilized means it goes up, that’s life. Why would I tell you. Little does she know I’ve gotten rid of many close friends I’ve know much longer because they have assumed I think like them and brought drama into my life. )

As opposed to the fucking everyday drama that she is??? Yes, we are tired of it. Done, annoyed, pissed off. She would have turned me glancing at apartment to a full on house hunt in less than 2 minutes flat, why, cause if would have been a new drama for her.

It would have turned into OMG YOUR GOING TO BE HOMELESS!!! really, no, I really don’t need that.

Goodbye youth

So this is it?

I knew that I’d start getting down and I guess now that I’m feeling a little better, the pure horror and dread that is my fast approaching birthday is setting in.

Funny at thirty I think I became an adult. Not that I couldn’t run a house,pay bills, work and go to school all at the age of 14, but I became mature at 30.

I made some silly mistakes, but they were adult ones. I got married (wrong man), brought a house(2006, before the market dropped,so wrong time). 

Now I enter middle age. 

Ugh, I’m now the milf in porns…..fml. I can be called a cougar? FML.

Funny I know so many things I wish I knew when I was 20, like ….. How to have kick ass hair. That if I changed my life and made myself happy, stopped trying to please my shitty friends and family, I could have been more by now.

It’s the nothingness that gets me. I once made a speech about leaving a mark. That’s where I have the biggest issue, I have no Mark, I’ve done nothing noteworthy with my almost 40 fuckin years on this planet. 

I guess that’s why everyone is getting on my nerves today. I know it’s partially my fault. My fault, because I’m not telling anyone how I feel, I’m just going through the motions as if there’s not a hurricane of shit going on in my head. 

Busy day quotes

For a woman there is nothing more erotic than being understood.-Molly Haskell

“True dominance isn’t about disciplining your sub, it’s about earning the trust and respect of your sub so that You are the only one she wants to be disciplined by, that Your orders are what she craves to obey, and that in Your presence she feels safe and scared, proud and humbled, totally free and completely owned. Hearing the words “I’m disappointed in you.”should be a sub’s greatest fear.”-Anonymous

I found this last night on Fet. As will someyimes happen you stumble across something that resonates with you when you go down the rabbit hole.

The rest of the profile was uninteresting, the slave far away, really heavy in protocol and reminded me of a profile written by a single “master” to show how amazing they are. Yes, I am cynical.

I often look for alterior motives in most people’s actions, the majority of the time, I’m correct. This is both in vanilla,work and the kink community.

Funny I don’t wish to be different in this aspect, I just wish I didn’t need to be this way.

People seem to be forgetting lately the times I’ve been there to help them. Sw A is an old work friend, months ago she asked if I wanted to go to a concert with her. I said yes and the next pay,set the cash aside for the ticket. Not long ago she had some work issues and fell on hard times. I had her over for food and often offered to help her out. I was still on the island and had some ability to do that. Now, I’ve explained to her many times, I have her money, but I can’t partake in other things. She keeps asking can we do dinner? I told her, not in the city, but we can grab a slice and hang out before, she keeps ignoring this statement. So today I had enough and told her: I’ve reviewed my budget and the light at the end of the tunnel may be shut off by con Ed, so I cannot afford dinner and drinks in the city, but will gladly meet her before the concert. I get back….. Nothing, dead air.

Then outside just now with little R. I’ve said many times, just do the nessessary things to the new place, yet her bf keeps pushing her to do more. Now she’s in the spot where she needs to shell out cash, that she has, but her savings is near nothing. For a couple of months as she was stressed I was making her lunch, we were supposed to switch off, but that never happened and I understood and was greatful she was at least having one healthy meal. I tell her monday im going to Costco if she wants to give me some money (as she has offered in the past) and I’ll get us lunch for a couple of weeks. This started a 10 minutes speech about how much cash she had to shell out in the next 2 weeks. Ok, so I get it, 10 bucks is too much. So now, my internal voice says “feed your fucking self”

She is also complaining of having to pay taxes, I think “so sorry you inherited so much money, you may have to pay”. Well, welcome to my world, at least you brought an apartment, I just brought my semi-freedom. I ask out of genuine concern and living through her dealings with her real estate attorney, did someone you know recommend the accountant, she says no, I went online and read the reviews, oh fuck……so I told her if it’s not good, let me know and I have a guy. She says is he in bklyn?

When you have thousands on the line, it shouldn’t matter if you have to travel. I tell her it’s one bus away and worth the slight travel, but she knows best and is staying with her online find. I don’t want to hear it when she has to fork over the remainder of her savings. 

So I guess I’m a little bitchy and really tired of dealing with stupid people today, since I’m just barly holding shit together on my end.

Not that life is horrible, my bills are paid, I have only a day until payday, but I’m tired of hearing everyone else’s shit, when no one bothers to ask, “how are you?”

Today really started off weird. I took new Meds before bed and they cause really unusual dreams. I was at a swingers party on a boat, but a big boat, almost a cruise ship. I recall having little interest in the people. I went up to the guy that throws these parties and said hi, he pretended not to know me, I recall saying “really, I’ve met and sucked your cock 11 times”…. Then I notice sir is no where to be found. The ship starts moving in circles. So I know he’s at the wheel. Lol, doing doughnuts in the water with this ship. I can’t find him, but look outside and we are feet away from iceburgs  on each side. I jump and the next thing I know I’m in a hot climate, on a tricycle, I think it’s Florida, but Sir is there yelling at me to stop, but I can’t. I’m going to fast and headed towards a project like apartment complex. The alarm goes off. All I think is damn, a shrink could have a field day with that dream!

The Allergic Slave

I love spring, but it hates me.  The change of weather and more sunlight is a welcome thing if it did not come with the high pollen count. It started Sunday night and by 3pm yesterday I was headed home. With all of the health crap I’ve dealt with this year this is more of a nuisance than anything. I just need to make sure it doesn’t turn into a chest infection, so meds and sleep and lots of fluids.

Yesterday Sir wrote me a nice long email. It was what I needed to get through the day. It spoke of the bad birthday coming up and the mixed feeling about spending the day with my stepson. It is true, we had such a good time, after I just felt empty inside. He wants me to do things that take care of me, like encouraging me to go to yoga if I could and to find a nice local park to unwind in after work. None of the parks are close to me, but with things warming up I can walk a different path home that will lead me to one.

We also discussed yesterday’s blog and me realizing my need of another female. He said it doesn’t make me any less “his” and I guess that’s a concept I have a really hard time understanding. I’ve been in relationships that allowed a female in, but only as a third, only about sex. I know me and if this past year has taught me nothing, I know that I can separate sex and feelings, but…..I don’t really want to.

For instance, any play partners that I’ve had and really enjoyed have been friends, some no longer have play involved, but I care for them deeply and we have bonded and meshed in a way that we are genuine friends in the most kinky and vanilla way.

He also asked why I thought that “cunt brain” had made a return.

The most obvious reason was the play at O’s birthday, but it was more than just that. I felt very much his, following his commands again, but there was more. It was that the play was with people I really like, interesting, nice and genuine people. It was also very balanced there was a very social part of the night, then play was respectful, no limits even close to broken. Also the aftercare in the version of soft robes and decadent cake along with lots of laughs. I still dealt with a little good girl guilt, but it really couldn’t have been a better night. Mainly because I like them and Sir found them, so I know he feels the same way. It was a security that I was doing something he wanted and I enjoyed with no drama friends.

But the problem I still have is that I have no way to not have feelings for others. Meaning if I find that ever illusive local like minded girl, what happens if I fall in love. I know it can happen and that’s something I’ve always said, no, not me, not ever. Is that what it really means to be bi? Not just I like both sexes equally, but I can love them both? That’s an old debate in the swingers world between being bi and bi-cur. That’s why I’m still afraid.

Sir says it would do me a world of good, but what if it destroys us in the process?

I’m sure I’m not the first subbie girl to have these feelings, but I’m discovering that I have a real inability to shut down my feelings. So far they only manifest in really good friendships, but I know it can become more. What’s even scarier, in some weird way I want more. Not to ruin Sir and I’s relationship, but to have someone that’s “mine” as he has me? I’m not sure I’m expressing this correctly, but it goes back to walking into the house after a long day and having a woman’s arms to fall into. It’s not about kink to me and that’s why I’m so hesitant. I’m guessing I’m also having an allergic reaction to my feelings as well…..



Mushy is the slave

back on my allergy medicine. I guess it’s a mixture of the ups and downs of this weekend mixed with not feeling my best.

But I’m so mushy. Not sad persay, just ….. Lonely. 

I miss Sir, but I’m not in the right mindset to see him. In short, I’m pretty much a bitch to be around. I kept this Saturday free, something in my gut is telling me to just take a day, leave it open. With the exception of that day, I’m busy until the end of April!

Last night I spoke with far away girl. She’s sweet, older, and we had a nice conversation.

She’s been in the lifestyle a few years and has just started seeing a new Dom a couple of weeks ago. She was single for a year and a half and was very picky as to who she wanted to be with. For me that’s great to hear. At least she has standards.

Also the Dom she choose live where I used to and she spends weekends with him, so even though she’s far away, she visits.

I’m loosing hope that what I’m searching for is even out there. 

Then a part of me feels guilt looking. It’s not that Sir isn’t enough, he’s great. It’s just no matter how supportive he is, he’s not a woman. God that sounds horrible.

I freaked out at the thought of being with a woman in anything but a sexual situation and Sir said he thought it would be very good for me. Now, a year later, I sit here agreeing and knowing it’s not an easy to find situation.