What ever will I wear?

Yup, I did it, with Sir’s help I’ve very slowly and keeping health in mind, I’m back in a physical comfort zone with my body. I fit into my old size 4 jeans and just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke I went to a store on my way to the dentist in the city that has loads of petite clothes and picked up my old 6p size pants and extra small top. I had a near panic attack in the dressing room but walked out with 2 tops and a pair of work pants! All in the size my mind will allow. Lol, I was cutting the tags out of my clothes so I didn’t see a daily reminder that I had gained weight.

I’m not done and for every goal I hit, there is yet another one around the corner. The next goal is another 15 pounds, this will make me very small, but I want to stay strong while doing it. Next week I’m going to add weights into my routine, if I would have done that at the beginning my legs would have gotten very bulky and I would have looked like a meat head in reverse. Think all lower body and a stick figure top.

Oh, back to the title, tonight is my goddaughters sweet 16, the dress I was going to wear…..nope, way to big. I gave it to N last night and she loved it. So today after the gym I come home to dig out all of my old clothes and pray I have something that is appropriate for the event. Sir said borrow something from Little R, but….her clothes are not going to fly in the group I’ll be in tonight.

After running around the city and bklyn I headed back home to have a nice visit with N. She made the leap and has a sadly empty Fet profile. We talked of the way we drop and how excited she is to go to the next party. We agreed more hugs and care the next time and also promised that when the tears come she will pick up the phone to me. Poor N, they came when she was at work yesterday. No reason, but she sat there hysterically crying and the feeling of the world crashing around her came out of no where. By 2 am we were both happy and glad that we have made such a good strong friendship. We also said aloud what we both knew a long time ago…..we won’t ever be more than friends. I told her what Sir says, put 2 subbie girls in a room together and you know what happens?….Nothing! I think in our case that is not true, because what happened was, we built a friendship based on trust. So no lines crossed and she left with a wish to keep our friendship the way it is. Lol, and she will also be sending a good amount of high quality sex toys to my house, so her kids don’t find them. Somehow I’ve turned into the keeper of other people’s kinky things? Not sure how that happened but it looks like I’m going to have to empty out and organize my chest to fit some more.

Sorry Sir, heading to the gym, so it was either blog or emial. Hope you had a nice nights sleep and a big hug to wake you.

Your mushy slave

The pitfalls of empathy

This was something I was trying to explain in my very subbie post last night.

I feel for people. Not the “oh wow that sucks” type of feeling. I let people in and their every struggle becomes my own.

I think it’s something that is a good thing, but I find that feeling so much can also screw with your head.

Sir knows this, or at least he does now.

He said he had a correction to my post of  “listening to too much bad, forgot the good. Forgot he takes care of me”

should be “listening to too much bad, forgot the good. Forgot he takes care of me; and I take care of him; and we both sometimes forget how well we take care of each other”

To me that means the world. I’m used to giving and taking care of everyone, I’m not used to getting that in return. lol, don’t get me wrong I will bitch about it, but I’ve accepted that’s the way things are, except with Sir.

What I was doing wrong was seeking good pain to balance off the bad pain I was absorbing from everyone else, but I was forgetting the pleasure part. 

I was…. Over-denying myself, to the point of punishment.

See I thought I would do this with the gym, but I’ve ended up doing it with nearly everything.

So thank you for last night sir, it might not have been my 500 edges record, but 33 cums in a minute is a pretty good record:)

Today I have no less bad stress coming at me, but mentally im not soaking it in as I was. 

I Forgot…

How nice it is to hear Sir’s voice in subspace.

Still not back

The bedroom is …just toys and mess.

I’ve been too much just pain, that I forgot the pleasure part………..


listening to too much bad, forgot the good. Forgot he takes care of me

Sorry Sir………………….forgot you are not them and I am stilll me

your mushy slave

What mood?

Yeah, so I really have been in quite a shit move since Sir left.

It’s not just one thing, but a compilation of things. I’ve tried everything to get out of it. Exercise, pampering, wine, chocolate, friends, pain, play and even the “beauty of nature” crap. Alas none of it worked.

Today I’m just way too tired to even put up with my mood (as I lean my forehead on the largest ice latte ever made).

That leaves me with only one thing, to write and figure it out. Some of this will be here, but another portion will be directly to sir.

Firstly….ldr. Long distance relationships are just hard. Mix that with D/s and it really puts an emotional strain on both parties.

You get the bad voices that sneak in. What if everything is a lie? What if they have a totally other life you have no part of? What if they don’t go to bed alone and cold like you do?

It’s funny In one way because …well, there’s nothing reasons to lie. I’ve dated a married guy, we have a non monogamous relationship. I think it’s more the feeling of being left out.

See he has this blog to read. I….don’t. We have great communication, but where’s the line between giving too much?

It’s nice that his trips are events. We plan and try to make the most of our time together.

Another thing is (oh and I really fucking hate admitting this) in some ways my mother is right.

I will never admit to making that statement above, but I’m faced with the sad fact that once my ex is permantly out of my life…..I may want more. Now I’m not talking about marriage or living with anyone, but accessibility. 

Honestly I feel that way now and im pretty sure it’s only going to get worse. Think about it, it’s Friday night and you want to go out or stay in and watch a movie and the person your with is just not there.

I thought ld Sir once I got very angry at a guy in the street. Flowers in one hand and take out in the other, big smile on his face heading into the building next door and my reaction, I wanted to spit in his face.

That’s not right and I know that.

The other night at the party I hated having to solicit a spanking. It a strange thing to be the “single owned” girl at a party. D types will for the most part stay away out of respect unless they know for sure he’s ok with play.

Then there is the convo from yesterday. I get what you said Sir, but it really feeds into my insecurities.

So add all of this to dropping and ta-da, shit mood extraordinaire.

I did have a talk with n yesterday and we promised each other that we would have cuddle time after the next party. She now knows how important a physical connection can be to set your mind straight.

That adds to why I get shitty after I play when he’s gone, I love my dogs and all but…. It’s not the same as having someone in bed next to you.

Working in

i enjoy my tuesday night class. It not crazy lady, but a much younger teacher that always gives a purpose to each practice.

Sometimes it’s to be grateful, to stay in the moment, but last nights had to do with a statement I made in passing to her.

When I get stressed or sad or an not comfortable in my life I turn to the gym. I work out until I can’t take a step. I do this for the same reason I do impact play. It’s no mystery, just the way I deal.

She noticed that I do at least a half an hour of very hard cardio intervals prior to each class. This is something I started again a couple of weeks ago. I’d love to lie and say it’s to drop more weight, but…. It’s because like a drug addict they routine I had was not enough and I am perpetually chasing that initial high.

The same reasons the bruises no longer bother me as they once did….my tolerance is growing.

She asked if I was ok, I replied im working stuff out. Literally.

So she spoke of instead of working stuff out, we need to sometimes work in. When strea gets to you, sometimes sitting and not heading to the gym will be just as much help. To turn our frantic emotions off and take a good hard look inwards.

What happens when you do that and you don’t like what you see?


not in the mood to write or deal with others.

Sir had some family things happen and he is also down.

I’m just hiding today, meetings in he afternoon.

If we don’t get the thunderstorms and hail, little r and I are going to see the cherry blossoms and then a late yoga class.

Today is just a filler day…..

Words and stuff

now that my rational mind has returned…..I still have some issues that need resolution.

I have a buch of emails and texts to send. Some just to say hi, others to put to bed issues that exist in my head.

God I just sounded like doctor goddamn suess.

For the first time in months im looking at (knocking on wood) a calm work day.

I think I’m starting to figure out what “more “means, and I don’t mean in the spanking sense.

As the time to finialized the mistakes of this past decade comes near. I need more… Not more of the same shit, but more change.

There’s a good many things I need to discuss with Sir, but that conversation doesn’t belong here.

What’s a girl gotta do to get a spanking around here?

Last night turned out to be much more fun than I had thought.

SMG was waiting outside yet another nondescript Manhattan building. Into the party we went and BG was there. Spend a few minutes hearing about her Europe trip saying hi to this one and that one. We managed to even secure a comfy couch prior to the main event of the evening. It was time to meet the slaves up for auction.

I had secured myself a nice wad of cash, my only purpose being to purchase a service top. As I looked around there were only 3 Doms that I knew there and everyone else was either with them or unknown. After they introduced everyone up for bid, my heart sank, not one Dom?????

At this point I was casually talking to  the rigger Dom from down the block. We had been traveling in the same circle for over a year, but never spoke. I mentioned that it’s some crap, not one dom and said what’s a girl got to do to get a spanking around here?

Two minutes later, a last minute entry…..but, I had given my cash to a girl in his group already. He offered, but knowing what normally happened, I held no hope. He was going to be  busy tieing people all night.

That left 2, both of them the party hosts.

I socialized, watched a few scenes. There a possibility of someone I know showing with a tens unit, but that didn’t pan out.  I realized I took it for granted all of the times I would go out and fetgirl and her Dom would be there. All I had to do was say something slightly smart assed about D types and with seconds I was getting the spanking that I wanted. Last night it had nothing to do with want or play, it was a damn need. I needed a reset. My mood was beyound sad…..

I went to go call Sir and check in. I gave im a short run down and repeated to him What’s a girl gotta do to get a spanking around here? The Domme throwing the party over heard and chimed in…..Is that your Dom on the phone? I said yes, she said I’ll spank you if he’s ok with that? I almost jumped for joy and then remembered, I’ve never had a female get me anywhere near the pain level I needed at that moment.

So I wasn’t going to push. Back inside a few minutes later she secured a bench and I assumed the position. Since I was an unknown to her she started slow and when she checked in that I was ok, I said only one word…..Harder. For the first time a woman gave me the inpact I’ve only been able to get from a man. She was good and mixed up the impliments and impact from slow to fast, hard to sesual. Asking if I was ok, all I said was more….please? She had warned me if she went anymore she would leave marks and by that point I didn’t give a damn what my ass would look like today. I was searching for the tears  Could have been minutes or seconds and one change of her tool and they came. I cried and the flood gates opened. All of the stress evaporated.

SMG said she saw the second I went non-verbal. That was really the first time she had ever seen me and the need I have for pain. I wasn’t searching for an O. There was no need for a call to Sir. This spanking was totally medicinal.

When I came back to reality a big hug and much thanks, telling her I just really needed that. From that point on I was smiles and laughs.

N had been watching everyone that night and nearing the end told SMG that she wanted a seen with the third Dom. Up on the cross she went. A total virgin to the community. today she thought she was up there for 5 mintes, but it was well over a half an hour. He was very careful with her and pushed her just enough that she had her first ever O from impact.

Today I made sure to check in on her and after a family lunch with C, I went over to her house and we chatted as she got a fest ready for her very large family. She was glad and said if I hadn’t done that she would have most likely stayed in bed all day. So far no good girl guilt, but she had much more of a physical drop than emotional. I’ll be keeping a close eye on her in the next few days, just in case.

Since last night my head is much more clear and my focus isn’t irrational. There was a point yesterday that I almost did a freak out on Sir. A fine combo of too much stress mixing with my period and I was ready to say, that’s it, I just can’t anymore, but I decided instead to say “what’s a girl got to do to get a soanking around here?” and that worked out just fine 🙂




I had no idea what to write this morning.

Today was supposed to be jump class and my tour of everything kinky. The kinky part got cancelled a couple of days ago due to a friend’s family party. The jump part just fell apart a few minutes ago but………like most  things I’m saying fuck it and heading there alone.

Sir wanted a happy blog and hell I don’t even know what that means at this point.

It’s not that I’m depressed, I’m just sad. I know the things I found out this week have not really sunk in yet. My reactions were to the little stuff. I haven’t even started processing the bigger things yet. Don’t even know if I will.

The truth is it’s all stuff in the past and that’s why I’m reacting more to the tangible stuff in the present, like my boss leaving and the tax situation, along with getting this divorce shit moving.

My work husband finally said congrats yesterday. Well little R kinda made him. We have a standing coffee date every Friday morning. It usually is us just talking shit and making perverted comments. She turned to him and said “So are you proud of —” His response, Yes of course, she worked hard and it’s too bad she’s promoted as the company is going under. I turned to him and said “yup I realized that, lets lay off a third of the company and then promote people, corporate america’s way of saying, wow you did a great job, here’s a better title, go find a new job”. I’ve been though this before and honestly this company, if they stick to the plan, can actually stay afloat for a few more years. My goal in all of this, get them to give me the title (check) and have them pay for my education (working on that). They generally won’t pay for an entire certification, but I came up with a way to get them to at least start. One of my problems is I have no degree. When everyone else was off in college, I worked. I have more experience than someone 20 years my senior, but that often sticks me as a consultant instead of an employee and I’ve gotten really used to vacation time and don’t want to give that up again.

Sir, this might no seem happy, but it really is. See I’m not rolling over and playing dead in all of this. I have backup plans and backup plans to those. I’m dealing with the punches and getting through them.

In the past I would have opened a bottle of wine and sat in the corner drinking and crying, I’m not doing that. Instead I’m taking the reigns, I’m setting up business connections, I’m not letting others cancel my plans, I’m living life for me and the things I want. I’m moving on and closing a really painful chapter of my life and although it is what is best for me, it is sad.




Late blog

too busy making myself poor, aka, paying bills on a Friday morning.

I’m better than yesterday.

I worked out …. Lots of cardio in a Colombian corset. So breath play at the gym. Then sauna, then pet store to hold a puppy. Yeah I know I have 2 super affectionate dogs, but it’s like haveing seniors instead of infants. Sometimes you just want to hold a baby to remind you how life starts.

My little girl dog attached herself to me looking for the puppy when I got home, crying and trying to find it. Poor girl, so much like her mother.

Good news on the scale today, the progress continues.

All the bills are paid until next pay check.

I have just enough cash to by food and have a small amount of spending money.

So all good things….that im numb too. I feel nothing and im glad.