What ever will I wear?

Yup, I did it, with Sir’s help I’ve very slowly and keeping health in mind, I’m back in a physical comfort zone with my body. I fit into my old size 4 jeans and just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke I went to a store on my way to the dentist in the city that has loads of petite clothes and picked up my old 6p size pants and extra small top. I had a near panic attack in the dressing room but walked out with 2 tops and a pair of work pants! All in the size my mind will allow. Lol, I was cutting the tags out of my clothes so I didn’t see a daily reminder that I had gained weight.

I’m not done and for every goal I hit, there is yet another one around the corner. The next goal is another 15 pounds, this will make me very small, but I want to stay strong while doing it. Next week I’m going to add weights into my routine, if I would have done that at the beginning my legs would have gotten very bulky and I would have looked like a meat head in reverse. Think all lower body and a stick figure top.

Oh, back to the title, tonight is my goddaughters sweet 16, the dress I was going to wear…..nope, way to big. I gave it to N last night and she loved it. So today after the gym I come home to dig out all of my old clothes and pray I have something that is appropriate for the event. Sir said borrow something from Little R, but….her clothes are not going to fly in the group I’ll be in tonight.

After running around the city and bklyn I headed back home to have a nice visit with N. She made the leap and has a sadly empty Fet profile. We talked of the way we drop and how excited she is to go to the next party. We agreed more hugs and care the next time and also promised that when the tears come she will pick up the phone to me. Poor N, they came when she was at work yesterday. No reason, but she sat there hysterically crying and the feeling of the world crashing around her came out of no where. By 2 am we were both happy and glad that we have made such a good strong friendship. We also said aloud what we both knew a long time ago…..we won’t ever be more than friends. I told her what Sir says, put 2 subbie girls in a room together and you know what happens?….Nothing! I think in our case that is not true, because what happened was, we built a friendship based on trust. So no lines crossed and she left with a wish to keep our friendship the way it is. Lol, and she will also be sending a good amount of high quality sex toys to my house, so her kids don’t find them. Somehow I’ve turned into the keeper of other people’s kinky things? Not sure how that happened but it looks like I’m going to have to empty out and organize my chest to fit some more.

Sorry Sir, heading to the gym, so it was either blog or emial. Hope you had a nice nights sleep and a big hug to wake you.

Your mushy slave


The pitfalls of empathy

This was something I was trying to explain in my very subbie post last night.

I feel for people. Not the “oh wow that sucks” type of feeling. I let people in and their every struggle becomes my own.

I think it’s something that is a good thing, but I find that feeling so much can also screw with your head.

Sir knows this, or at least he does now.

He said he had a correction to my post of  “listening to too much bad, forgot the good. Forgot he takes care of me”

should be “listening to too much bad, forgot the good. Forgot he takes care of me; and I take care of him; and we both sometimes forget how well we take care of each other”

To me that means the world. I’m used to giving and taking care of everyone, I’m not used to getting that in return. lol, don’t get me wrong I will bitch about it, but I’ve accepted that’s the way things are, except with Sir.

What I was doing wrong was seeking good pain to balance off the bad pain I was absorbing from everyone else, but I was forgetting the pleasure part. 

I was…. Over-denying myself, to the point of punishment.

See I thought I would do this with the gym, but I’ve ended up doing it with nearly everything.

So thank you for last night sir, it might not have been my 500 edges record, but 33 cums in a minute is a pretty good record:)

Today I have no less bad stress coming at me, but mentally im not soaking it in as I was. 

I Forgot…

How nice it is to hear Sir’s voice in subspace.

Still not back

The bedroom is …just toys and mess.

I’ve been too much just pain, that I forgot the pleasure part………..


listening to too much bad, forgot the good. Forgot he takes care of me

Sorry Sir………………….forgot you are not them and I am stilll me

your mushy slave

What mood?

Yeah, so I really have been in quite a shit move since Sir left.

It’s not just one thing, but a compilation of things. I’ve tried everything to get out of it. Exercise, pampering, wine, chocolate, friends, pain, play and even the “beauty of nature” crap. Alas none of it worked.

Today I’m just way too tired to even put up with my mood (as I lean my forehead on the largest ice latte ever made).

That leaves me with only one thing, to write and figure it out. Some of this will be here, but another portion will be directly to sir.

Firstly….ldr. Long distance relationships are just hard. Mix that with D/s and it really puts an emotional strain on both parties.

You get the bad voices that sneak in. What if everything is a lie? What if they have a totally other life you have no part of? What if they don’t go to bed alone and cold like you do?

It’s funny In one way because …well, there’s nothing reasons to lie. I’ve dated a married guy, we have a non monogamous relationship. I think it’s more the feeling of being left out.

See he has this blog to read. I….don’t. We have great communication, but where’s the line between giving too much?

It’s nice that his trips are events. We plan and try to make the most of our time together.

Another thing is (oh and I really fucking hate admitting this) in some ways my mother is right.

I will never admit to making that statement above, but I’m faced with the sad fact that once my ex is permantly out of my life…..I may want more. Now I’m not talking about marriage or living with anyone, but accessibility. 

Honestly I feel that way now and im pretty sure it’s only going to get worse. Think about it, it’s Friday night and you want to go out or stay in and watch a movie and the person your with is just not there.

I thought ld Sir once I got very angry at a guy in the street. Flowers in one hand and take out in the other, big smile on his face heading into the building next door and my reaction, I wanted to spit in his face.

That’s not right and I know that.

The other night at the party I hated having to solicit a spanking. It a strange thing to be the “single owned” girl at a party. D types will for the most part stay away out of respect unless they know for sure he’s ok with play.

Then there is the convo from yesterday. I get what you said Sir, but it really feeds into my insecurities.

So add all of this to dropping and ta-da, shit mood extraordinaire.

I did have a talk with n yesterday and we promised each other that we would have cuddle time after the next party. She now knows how important a physical connection can be to set your mind straight.

That adds to why I get shitty after I play when he’s gone, I love my dogs and all but…. It’s not the same as having someone in bed next to you.

Working in

i enjoy my tuesday night class. It not crazy lady, but a much younger teacher that always gives a purpose to each practice.

Sometimes it’s to be grateful, to stay in the moment, but last nights had to do with a statement I made in passing to her.

When I get stressed or sad or an not comfortable in my life I turn to the gym. I work out until I can’t take a step. I do this for the same reason I do impact play. It’s no mystery, just the way I deal.

She noticed that I do at least a half an hour of very hard cardio intervals prior to each class. This is something I started again a couple of weeks ago. I’d love to lie and say it’s to drop more weight, but…. It’s because like a drug addict they routine I had was not enough and I am perpetually chasing that initial high.

The same reasons the bruises no longer bother me as they once did….my tolerance is growing.

She asked if I was ok, I replied im working stuff out. Literally.

So she spoke of instead of working stuff out, we need to sometimes work in. When strea gets to you, sometimes sitting and not heading to the gym will be just as much help. To turn our frantic emotions off and take a good hard look inwards.

What happens when you do that and you don’t like what you see?


not in the mood to write or deal with others.

Sir had some family things happen and he is also down.

I’m just hiding today, meetings in he afternoon.

If we don’t get the thunderstorms and hail, little r and I are going to see the cherry blossoms and then a late yoga class.

Today is just a filler day…..

Words and stuff

now that my rational mind has returned…..I still have some issues that need resolution.

I have a buch of emails and texts to send. Some just to say hi, others to put to bed issues that exist in my head.

God I just sounded like doctor goddamn suess.

For the first time in months im looking at (knocking on wood) a calm work day.

I think I’m starting to figure out what “more “means, and I don’t mean in the spanking sense.

As the time to finialized the mistakes of this past decade comes near. I need more… Not more of the same shit, but more change.

There’s a good many things I need to discuss with Sir, but that conversation doesn’t belong here.