Talking to fetgirl yesterday I explained that when Sir leaves to create balance I take the next weekend and live in the world of vanilla.
In the beginning it was hard. My first relationship was either all D/s all the time….or he would ignore me for long periods. This would send me crashing.It was to the point that my personal life and work suffered for it.
Even when Sir and I first started I would drop so hard when he left. He would never ignore me, but just him leaving would cause this reaction. At first Sir wanted me to find other submissive female friends so I had someone that understood to talk to. I now have many, but for me that doesn’t work. What does work…..him leaving during the work week. It gives me the escape into my job. I plan only vanilla things for the weekend and it pushes a reset button in my head.It also stops the annoying messages of you have no time for me from my mother and best friend. A very win win for me.
That’s something that was missing in fetgirl’s world. All of her friends and social events were kinky or turned kinky, even her work ones. For me ….that just won’t work. Some say it’s leading a double life. I guess it is, but that is what makes me happy. Would I love to be some eccentric kinky woman with a house full of servants? Sure, but the hard truth is….I’m not. Balance is what keeps me at peace. The first day back is always hard, but I make it through.
Today I have many things to do, but none of it rushed. It’s going to be an easy day of gym and chores and friends.
Yesterday with my mother was almost enjoyable, almost. There are a few things that will still bother me when I’m with her. One of them is the “I want that” mentality she has. Case in point, I do not have cable. Sir got me an apple tv. For me this works. It’s been over a year and I don’t miss tv. I watched maybe an hour a month and it was a waste. So mom knows this, yet she still asks me if I saw (insert prime time garbage here)….I say no mom, got no cable. It’s like a reoccurring nightmare of a conversation. She then asked how I watch shows and I tell her via the computer or dropped from my phone. This turns into the “why can’t I do that”. It takes me an hour to explain she most often can’t watch live and she would have to search and wait for things to load. Sometimes links won’t work. This would be horrible for my mother. If she waits more than 30 seconds for anything, it results in a fit. So as always she says, but I want to try…..fine. I also tell her you need to keep an internet connection, she says so I still have to pay??? well, hello, yup, nothing is totally free. These are the conversations that most frustrate me about her. Not because we have them or her lack of how some things work, but because they are conversations that are on repeat…..over and over the same conversations. There’s about 5 of them in current rotation. It’s always followed by a I wish you would move on speech about how I should get remarried….ugh. So yesterday I headed off that little speech with a I’m thinking of going on vacation alone this year. She freaked! Mission accomplished or so I thought. I told her how vacations with C are very go, go, go and I really just want to lay somewhere tropical with a book, the sea and a drink and relax.She then said are you trying to kill me? Really because last I checked I’m a forty year old woman and I pay my own way, so if I want to go somewhere alone, I should be able to. She followed up with “if you get remarried, he can take you away and I won’t worry”.
She then offered to go away with me. Honestly she’s not bad on vacation. She gives me my space to do things and is not up my ass. She just can’t comprehend my need to be alone. I have to have a certain amount of people free time in order to function.
This got me thinking…..I know c would be pissed if I went without her. My mother is on that list too. My cousin is always trying to get me to go somewhere. My answer…..a yoga retreat. That will get mom off my back and if it’s uber hippy like my cousin will decline as well. The wild card is C, so it has to be a place or time that just won’t work for her. Off the top of my head I have two places in mind. One my old teacher opened up a b&b yoga studio in Florida, but I promised I’d never go back to Florida again after my grandparents died. The other….one of my bosses family member opened up one upstate. It’s super spiritual and I can get there on my own. I think it’s worth looking into.
And on that note….time to get clothes on and head out, can’t be late for class.