It’s a surrender, not a struggle

this is a phrase hippy guy yoga says many times during his hatha class. Lol, problem with this? I’m constantly in A quest for good pain.

Something in his voice will calm me down. He (even though totally a queer sub) will make me remeber that and stop when I’m just about to get pain. 

I just realized my monday class is like yoga good pain edging ….. I get right to the point and he says that damn phrase and I pull back…..

Last night Sir said I sounded zen and I was, but a part of me, just kind of gave up. Crap choice of words, but it was more let go.

I managed to reach out to most of the people I ignored. By the time I went to bed I was exhausted, but at 4am I popped up like a woman obsessed, I even creep myself out when I do that. I go from dead asleep to wide awake and sitting up in one breath. I’ve done this when I was a little kid and as an adult, it’s gotten worse.

Tonight pretty much blows…. The handle on my door got stuck last night and I had to take it apart just to get out. I was crying and beating it screaming I just want to go to fuckin yoga. Ok, so not my best moment.

Today it must be replaced and I have to dye my hair and this had better get done before 7, because I need to get to the gym.

For now I know I’m funneling all of my anger and masochistic tendencies into working out, but at least that’s something tangible and at this moment I need tangible.

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