Yeah, so I really have been in quite a shit move since Sir left.
It’s not just one thing, but a compilation of things. I’ve tried everything to get out of it. Exercise, pampering, wine, chocolate, friends, pain, play and even the “beauty of nature” crap. Alas none of it worked.
Today I’m just way too tired to even put up with my mood (as I lean my forehead on the largest ice latte ever made).
That leaves me with only one thing, to write and figure it out. Some of this will be here, but another portion will be directly to sir.
Firstly….ldr. Long distance relationships are just hard. Mix that with D/s and it really puts an emotional strain on both parties.
You get the bad voices that sneak in. What if everything is a lie? What if they have a totally other life you have no part of? What if they don’t go to bed alone and cold like you do?
It’s funny In one way because …well, there’s nothing reasons to lie. I’ve dated a married guy, we have a non monogamous relationship. I think it’s more the feeling of being left out.
See he has this blog to read. I….don’t. We have great communication, but where’s the line between giving too much?
It’s nice that his trips are events. We plan and try to make the most of our time together.
Another thing is (oh and I really fucking hate admitting this) in some ways my mother is right.
I will never admit to making that statement above, but I’m faced with the sad fact that once my ex is permantly out of my life…..I may want more. Now I’m not talking about marriage or living with anyone, but accessibility.
Honestly I feel that way now and im pretty sure it’s only going to get worse. Think about it, it’s Friday night and you want to go out or stay in and watch a movie and the person your with is just not there.
I thought ld Sir once I got very angry at a guy in the street. Flowers in one hand and take out in the other, big smile on his face heading into the building next door and my reaction, I wanted to spit in his face.
That’s not right and I know that.
The other night at the party I hated having to solicit a spanking. It a strange thing to be the “single owned” girl at a party. D types will for the most part stay away out of respect unless they know for sure he’s ok with play.
Then there is the convo from yesterday. I get what you said Sir, but it really feeds into my insecurities.
So add all of this to dropping and ta-da, shit mood extraordinaire.
I did have a talk with n yesterday and we promised each other that we would have cuddle time after the next party. She now knows how important a physical connection can be to set your mind straight.
That adds to why I get shitty after I play when he’s gone, I love my dogs and all but…. It’s not the same as having someone in bed next to you.