Don’t fuck with my money

I can process anything else, but that.

Lots of drama again today with the exhusband, the IRS and his asshole ex.

Again….I manage to get screwed out of money, it’s like a broken record that plays on and on.

I’m done….so done with him.

He is taking yet another loan to pay it. He won’t make her fix it. Then I get the same old crap from him “I love you and I won’t screw you over”

REALLY?

That’s all he’s ever done.

Then I won’t leave you without insurance if you’re still sick, followed in the next breath by I picked up the paperwork for a divorce but I don’t know how to fill it out……

So like every other part of our relationship I have to step in.. Like everything else I need to be the adult.

I have to deal with his ex

I have to deal with the state and IRS

I have to hold his fucking hand to make sure it’s done correcty……but I’m just so tired. 

I’ve done nothing but cry today.

All while sitting at my desk, trying to get work done.

I’m mad, angry and so done with them all.

Office politics

People will often ask, do I like my job?

I have the type of job that you are asked for the impossible, by the ungrateful and it all becomes doable because of a supportive (abet a bit crazy) management team.

In plain words, if I didn’t have my 3 bosses I would have quit a year ago.

So yesterday came as a shock when one of them resigned. He is also the one that pushed for my promotion. 

It is leaving everyone here very uncertain of how the balance of power is going to change and as I walk around the office, resumes are being updated.

I have meeting later to discuss many things about this transition.

It’s not making for a happy work place.

Trust.

4/19

Today was trucking along at a pretty good pace. Figured out the voting issues. Finished a slew of work. Set a new “maybe” budget. Last thing on my list….text the exhusband to say “where’s my paperwork” tax time crap. 

Insert bullshit answer from him here.

4/20 life got in the way…..

This is then followed up by a message from a person with proof that he has been with his current girlfriend for much longer…..as in when we were living together, when I was going through fertility treatments. So when I was having a breakdown and c saved me, he wasn’t playing cards. He was fucking her.

I told Sir I don’t have the energy to have emotions about this. A part of me already knew. That goes back to the matter of paternaty regarding her child. 

At this point I just want AUGUST to come already. Give me the papers, half your pension and (even though it’s no where near) we can call it even.

Enough of that crap……

I know Sir will be in a shitty mood today due to the very underhanded election crap that occurred yesterday, not going through that story on here either.

Last night n stopped by. She very excited that I’ll be taking her to her first party on Saturday. Should be fun. 

She turned to me last night and said ” you know we’ve been friends for a year?” How weird, time really does fly. Funny we met through her playpartner, who I’ve never met. 

Weird the places you find really good friends.

Tonight I’m going to meet a new couple……after yoga. I decided people are just going to have to work around my time table. I’m tired of bending to make others happy. 

Yoga should be extra amusing. If my other teacher can get out of her 9-5 a little early she’s coming as my guest ….. lol, I think she will enjoy the madness that is crazy lady yoga.

Guess I should pretend to work know.

I only have one meeting today and with my coworkers shitty attitudes since the promotion, im just gonna float. I would normally go around and ask if anyone needed help…..not today.

It’s a surrender, not a struggle

this is a phrase hippy guy yoga says many times during his hatha class. Lol, problem with this? I’m constantly in A quest for good pain.

Something in his voice will calm me down. He (even though totally a queer sub) will make me remeber that and stop when I’m just about to get pain. 

I just realized my monday class is like yoga good pain edging ….. I get right to the point and he says that damn phrase and I pull back…..

Last night Sir said I sounded zen and I was, but a part of me, just kind of gave up. Crap choice of words, but it was more let go.

I managed to reach out to most of the people I ignored. By the time I went to bed I was exhausted, but at 4am I popped up like a woman obsessed, I even creep myself out when I do that. I go from dead asleep to wide awake and sitting up in one breath. I’ve done this when I was a little kid and as an adult, it’s gotten worse.

Tonight pretty much blows…. The handle on my door got stuck last night and I had to take it apart just to get out. I was crying and beating it screaming I just want to go to fuckin yoga. Ok, so not my best moment.

Today it must be replaced and I have to dye my hair and this had better get done before 7, because I need to get to the gym.

For now I know I’m funneling all of my anger and masochistic tendencies into working out, but at least that’s something tangible and at this moment I need tangible.

How to fix the aftermath caused by subdrop?

That is a question for a reason. Please don’t read on thinking that I have the answer to any of this.

Let’s see …. The list of people I was mean to:

Sir

Mom

Little R

That just about covers the people (with one exception) that I spoke with this weekend. If I texted, I was much less offensive.

The list of people I ignored would take up too much room.

Yesterday after the worlds worst opera, multiple fights with little R and nearly passing out from starvation, I went home and put on the most comfy clothes I own. I knitted and ate! Then I realized since Sir left I’ve been basically ignoring the old dogs. We had cuddle time and my crazy girl held me as I cried and she cried and then when to was over they both attacked me to clean my tears, it was gross and cute at the same time.

My mother has left me alone, so I’m going to chalk it up to…..guess it was t that big of a deal and since I paid for dinner, she could care less about my attitude.

Funny how I don’t drop emotionally after a scene, that’s all physical, yet when Sir leaves……I put it off, but I can’t get past the drop forever.

I think part of the reason I get snippy with Sir is because I communicate the most with him and unlike other people I don’t lie to him, that is both a good and bad thing. 

I also find right after he leaves I get very resentful of people with more traditional relationships. I’m not talking about the D/s dynamic at all. I’m talking about the rest of it. 

That passes and when I return to normal …. I get a renewed gratitude for the life I have.

I’m slowly getting to that point now and as the weather is turning pleasent, my attitude is following.

Borderline Grumpy

Sir’s exact description of me yesterday.

I didn’t start out that way……Morning cuddles with the pups and an amazing 2 hour work out followed by some sauna time. I had to reel myself back in because when the day went to shit, I almost went back to the gym to hurt myself.

The day wasn’t exactly shit, but the people I most wanted to see canceled on me. C is under going some experimental infusion therapy for her migraines and it’s taking it’s toll on her physically. I was going to help her with the favors for my goddaughter’s party next week.

Old work husband is fighting with his wife again, so no belated birthday, promotion, his new job drinks. I can;t blame him for not wanting to celebrate.

I had to ghost on fetgirl, because the last thing I needed was to hear her go on and on about how she misses her Dom, who only says horrible things to her. My tolerance was at zero by 2pm.

I threw myself into organizing and meal prep. I cooked just about everything I had in the house, measuring and planning the next 2 weeks of food and freezing most of it.

I almost started taking out the summer clothes, but since the weather is so freaky I didn’t want to pack stuff away and end up freezing my butt off because I was emotionally letting my OCD go out of control.

Sir was tring to help, but the more he pressed about me learning to ride a bike or weighing the value of a pool membership against a yoga weekend, the more snippy I was getting. I even noticed the kiss of death silence I fell into at one point.

See what I was trying to do was avoid Drop. I literally texted every vanilla person minus my mother (one night with her was enough). The bride stopped by, but not for long. She has her own drama. It sucks but the bright side is she will be moving to my neighborhood sometime this year and I know she’s going to have a hard time because she doesn’t want to move, but it is going to be necessary to take care of a family member. Plus she’s getting a free house out of the deal and can’t complain.

Prior to our visit Sir hearing the stress in my voice, did want he knows will reset the anger. Clover clamps and plugged I become a much nicer person. With all of the time that was needed for recovery the anal training we had once done was pretty much gone and it was like starting all over again.

Sir made me take a bath (my time line of all of this is messed up). My body turned to mush right after and the possibility of going back to the gym was gone. At 9:30 I laid down to read and by 10 I was calling for tuck in. Today I was up way too early. I have more task crap to do and another long workout to get in before I meet little R for the afternoon opera.

Vanilla Weekend

Talking to fetgirl yesterday I explained that when Sir leaves to create balance I take the next weekend and live in the world of vanilla.

In the beginning it was hard. My first relationship was either all D/s all the time….or he would ignore me for long periods. This would send me crashing.It was to the point that my personal life and work suffered for it.

Even when Sir and I first started I would drop so hard when he left. He would never ignore me, but just him leaving would cause this reaction. At first Sir wanted me to find other submissive female friends so I had someone that understood to talk to. I now have many, but for me that doesn’t work. What does work…..him leaving during the work week. It gives me the escape into my job. I plan only vanilla things for the weekend and it pushes a reset button in my head.It also stops the annoying messages of you have no time for me from my mother and best friend. A very win win for me.

That’s something that was missing in fetgirl’s world. All of her friends and social events were kinky or turned kinky, even her work ones. For me ….that just won’t work. Some say it’s leading a double life. I guess it is, but that is what makes me happy. Would I love to be some eccentric kinky woman with a house full of servants? Sure, but the hard truth is….I’m not. Balance is what keeps me at peace. The first day back is always hard, but I make it through.

Today I have many things to do, but none of it rushed. It’s going to be an easy day of gym and chores and friends.

Yesterday with my mother was almost enjoyable, almost. There are a few things that will still bother me when I’m with her. One of them is the “I want that” mentality she has. Case in point, I do not have cable. Sir got me an apple tv. For me this works. It’s been over a year and I don’t miss tv. I watched maybe an hour a month and it was a waste. So mom knows this, yet she still asks me if I saw (insert prime time garbage here)….I say no mom, got no cable. It’s like a reoccurring nightmare of a conversation. She then asked how I watch shows and I tell her via the computer or dropped from my phone. This turns into the “why can’t I do that”. It takes me an hour to explain she most often can’t watch live and she would have to search and wait for things to load. Sometimes links won’t work. This would be horrible for my mother. If she waits more than 30 seconds for anything, it results in a fit. So as always she says, but I want to try…..fine. I also tell her you need to keep an internet connection, she says so I still have to pay??? well, hello, yup, nothing is totally free. These are the conversations that most frustrate me about her. Not because we have them or her lack of how some things work, but because they are conversations that are on repeat…..over and over the same conversations. There’s about 5 of them in current rotation. It’s always followed by a I wish you would move on speech about how I should get remarried….ugh. So yesterday I headed off that little speech with a I’m thinking of going on vacation alone this year. She freaked! Mission accomplished or so I thought. I told her how vacations with C are very go, go, go and I really just want to lay somewhere tropical with a book, the sea and a drink and relax.She then said are you trying to kill me? Really because last I checked I’m a forty year old woman and I pay my own way, so if I want to go somewhere alone, I should be able to. She followed up with “if you get remarried, he can take you away and I won’t worry”.

She then offered to go away with me. Honestly she’s not bad on vacation. She gives me my space to do things and is not up my ass. She just can’t comprehend my need to be alone. I have to have a certain amount of people free time in order to function.

This got me thinking…..I know c would be pissed if I went without her. My mother is on that list too. My cousin is always trying to get me to go somewhere. My answer…..a yoga retreat. That will get mom off my back and if it’s uber hippy like my cousin will decline as well. The wild card is C, so it has to be a place or time that just won’t work for her. Off the top of my head I have two places in mind. One my old teacher opened up a b&b yoga studio in Florida, but I promised I’d never go back to Florida again after my grandparents died. The other….one of my bosses family member opened up one upstate. It’s super spiritual and I can get there on my own. I think it’s worth looking into.

And on that note….time to get clothes on and head out, can’t be late for class.

Bad attitude

that was me yesterday.

I appoligized to Sir. My attitude sucked. I explained to Sir all of the things I do when he leaves. I reclaim my space.

When he visits I set things to the way he is more comfortable. I try very hard to put my need for perfection in my space to the side, making it more comfortable.

For me …… Comfortable is not….comfortable? Meaning, I don’t need to sit 6 in my living room. One is just fine. 

But yesterday I was having a hard time setting this back…..both mentally and physically. 

Maybe it was a bitchy drop??? If so that’s new, im generally not bratty.

So again, sorry Sir.

The day after 

yesterday I was extremely worried about how my coworkers would take the news of my promotion.

There were 2 other people, one my work husband and one a more experience man in a position a level above me.

I asked my boss to please tell them in private and I can admit, instead of enjoying the announcement I felt horrible. Horrible for the others that didn’t get it.

After, the more experienced man came up and congratulated me. This morning I went in over an hour early. I’m sneaking out early today. We had a good chat, he said he knows I deserved the promotion. I told him I did feel bad and he said dont, I busted my ass and it’s a good thing they recognized it.

Next to come in was work husband. Little prick! No good morning, he ignored us all. So I sent a group message, him and old coworkers…..happy hour? Let’s make this happen! He laughed, he has 2 trips planned and the closest day we can figure is June. 

He also knew I was feeling like shit and he was just messing with me.

Funny how something so good can make me feel like shit. It reminded me of my first real office job. I was 21, every 3 months I moved up from trainee to level one, level 2, senior, assistant operations supervisor and finally, operations supervisor. All of this by the time I was not yet 23. With each big (not the 1,2 or3) promotion they transferred you. The reasoning ….. So you would never be in charge of the people you were once on the same level as.

I had great relationships there, once they accepted that even though I was young, I worked hard. Now, I understand.

On a happy note…..today is a sample sale day! Lol, I have no money, but little R is breaking a rule of hers and will let me use her black card if I find something good. So no gym, but that’s ok.

Sir got to see first hand the pain that I have after crazy lady’s class. Yup, that’s every week Sir. I told 2 new people, after 2 years taking her class…..I don’t hurt any less. It’s because she pushes you to be better every class. I really like that about her. It doesn’t matter your level of skill.

After class it was time to take care of sirs bad tummy. I fed him pastina, it’s a childhood thing that always worked (still does) whenever I don’t feel well. I hope he gets up pain free today.

In his morning email he said how nice it is that we take care of each other. That’s a very good thing. I’m seeing in many relationships around me….care is very one sided. With is its not. Lol, such a site me and my yoga pain, him and his tummy. Even still he offered a spanking if it would help, I declined(yes it was really that bad).

Off to earn my raise…..

A good visit

we didn’t get to do everything we wanted to, but it was a good visit. 

Good food, talks, adventures and friends. Sir is going home today, hopefully feeling better.

Yesterday was a good, hard and painful day. My promotion was finialized and I got the raise I need to allow the divorce to go through. In a few weeks my money issues will not be as stressful. 

I decided this morning im going to do 2 things to celebrate. First, if I see something I like at the trunk show tomorrow, I’m getting it. Second im starting a vacation fund. My plan to set aside enough money to take c to Cuba for her 50th birthday. I’m not doing this because I owe her from last vacation, but because it will mark 25 years of friendship and she’s been there in my darkest of days and is the first to be there equally in good times.

She was my first friend that is have adventure with, not kinky mind you. The type where you’d start out at dinner and 10 am the next day you’d be sitting somewhere laughing about the crazy night you just had. Plus we’ve always traveled, I want us to keep that up.

Hope you travel safe Sir! Thank you for a very nice visit.