The world doesn’t revolve around you

little R, many moons ago fucked herself when it comes to moving up at this company.

Now keep in mind… She doesn’t work in my department. Yet….for some reason she thinks we are throwing her a going away party. She doesn’t realize the majority of the people are happy to see her go.

She’s gotten better than when I first started with her comments. I’ve tried to teach her what is acceptable and not at work, even giving her an hour a week (hr free friday) in which to a small group we agree to just say what we think. I’ve also tried to teach her how to give a compliment without a face slap.

So she’s pissed or was yesterday that im off on her last day. Sorry but it’s a holiday and most of the company will be off. Then monday another large group will be out since they are running a marathon.

She is busy wednesday and Thursday. We have a friends birthday tuesday…. Not to mention the large fucking needles im getting into my fucking hip joint!!!

Oh and the wednesday bullshit???? She was having a housewarming party for her friends Saturday that her excuse was she can no longer afford to have because she’s throwing her boyfriends sister in law a birthday party and inviting his whole family….she spent 400 on food so she’s not having the other party. You may think, where’s the problem with that? Well she annoyed my for weeks to help her plan it and when j asked yesterday what time is it…… She responds, oh, I cancelled it. Thanks because you never told me.

So today she starts her shit early. There’s a director level woman here that is useless, really dumb as dirt, so she was basically told that and advised she needs to start looking for a job…. Not fired but forwarned she will be. R was so devestated that our company would tell her that. I said she’s lucky they gave her the heads up and I’ve worked with and they are right. 

So I had to deal with her the world is ending because they are hiring a useless woman and keeping someone else that they are promoting to her position. She couldn’t understand why her dept wouldn’t do that for her….well maybe it’s because you are an unprofessional entry level production worker, not a director??

I told her as softly as I could…. She is replaceable. Even in my position, I am replaceable. 

She understood….

Then later in the day she calls me all excited and says the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

She somehow thought we were going to roast her like we did for our old boss (you know a director, that actually works in my department).  I told her multiple times there can’t be anything after work. She likes to hear only what she wants to.

So the stupid thing??? She wanted to go to a bar and play the game “never have I ever”

Are you fucking kidding me? I get it … Your leaving but the rest of us still need jobs and I don’t need the vp hearing any of my answers. Plus that’s the exact reason you have to leave. At this point I’m at my desk and can’t even start to explain why that is the most horrible thing you can do in corporate America. I think gangban fing the mailroom is a better idea than that!

I tell her for the tenth time, people are off monday and friday, leaving out the no one wants to go out after work for this part. I then asked if it was ok if we combine her and the other girls birthday and she flips…. Saying I’ll just leave, no one cares to keep me around here anyway and goes into the biggest poor fucking me trip ever. Yes poor fucking you getting a better job as a third of the company was let go in January with no notice? No I’m not sorry for you, not at all.

She then started accusing me of not doing anything for her.

My plans, a big surprise lunch, a card, a cake and I was going to take a collection. You know what…. I’m no ones door mat so the luch invite was already sent…. But the rest, fuck that and fuck her.

The icing on the cake? 

She declines the invite saying she has a meeting I ask is wednesday ok?? Problem I have a meeting, so I’ll tell her I’ll meet her there and if it ends early I’ll stop by. Your welcome here’s your fucking party.

But wait … See you may think I’m being irrational or something, but there’s more to this.

I let things slide, but my birthday, she cancelled plans she organized at the last minute to go out, claiming no money. Then has spent carefree the past couple of months. She also forgot to tell me that she cancelled them so just like this time, I asked a couple of days before to here, no sorry I’m broke. Yes, 30 grand and a black card is really broke. Yet, me, who still lives paycheck to three days before paycheck should take her to lunch and out for drinks and get her a gift (reason she didn’t tell me the housewarming was cancelled) but she hasn’t even bothered to ask how I am. When I limp, her only response is you over do it at the gym, your not young anymore. Well guess what, you’re lucky I’m not… Because if I was, work or not, her head would have been put through a brick wall by now.

Good ridden R to bad rubbish and don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

But wait…. I left out the best part. She comes over after she’s a total bitch to me and sits on my desk, playing with her phone and ignoring me. Then she sees me delete emails…. Responses for her lunch, she asks if I want to go out and at that moment the only thing that might calm me down is a cigarette. I press to lock my computer, but it was running slow since IT “fixed” it this morning. She was behind me and say ohgive me a minute, I’ll be right there. I don’t think anything if ur and go out. When j come back in the windows icon is swirling and I get a message my account is locked from too many attempts at my password.

Are you kidding me? Now you’re trying to hack my computer too?

I just came in from out side and she’s there, bra less. I told her where she’s going she can’t do that. Then after I express that her game idea is not the right thing to do with your boss, she then passes a comment that my vp will occasional call her violet. This bitch outed me at work. She asked for a hug and I said no. I’ll see you tomorrow, when I’ll wait to the last moment and cancel on her.

See sir, just more proof girls are evil, even me.


Well it’s been a really long time since I’ve written about my dreams, or hell even had any worth mentioning.

I think this is more a new version of an old dream I’ve had many times in the past.

Maybe it’s home or a hotel, but it’s and unfamiliar place. In the beginning it’s just Sir and I. I am so nervous, that always adds to the wetness. He is calm with just an edge of excitement under his Dom voice. Just that little edge and I know there’s something a bit different planned.

(lol….important side note: I’m at my goal weight and extremely comfortable in my skin.)

I have nothing but my collar on and really heavy eye makeup, so I’m a little shocked that he takes out a blindfold. This one is new and has a secure strap, but not like mine as there is no ball gag.

As he has said many times in the past I am his and I will suck, lick and fuck whoever he says. He tells me to lay on the hitachi and he puts the blind fold on, petting my hair, telling me I’m a good girl as I slightly shake.

I trust him, so I know I’ll be safe. I keep saying that mentally as I fell other people enter the space. I’m still face down, still edging. People are talking and I recognize some voices but pin point no one as my mind is already fuzzy and my body is shaking worse. I start begging and he says no 😦

The tears start and as they do I feel the soft kisses of a flogger and a hand in my hair again. The impact gets harder and now it’s changed to something stronger….a paddle maybe. I feel the sharpness of maybe a knife or the clawed gloves on my back, at this point I start to purr and move with the feeling, jumping with every impact then back to dancing with the sensation. Then it stops…all of it. Sir tells me to cum and I imagine who ever is there watches as I let loose and start to let go.

Sir gives me water and sits me up. I know this is just the warm up for tonight. I float sitting and Sir says to remember what he told me earlier. I am place on all fours with my hands now bound and my ankles the same. I recall thinking well at lest the Hitachi stopped, then I feel it again being held by a strap, no escape for my poor clit. I feel someone near me and he says to open my mouth as a cock slides in. He tells me if I do a good job I will have many O’s tonight. The impact starts again as a hand in my hair turns from gentle to pulling and forceful as I take the cock all the way in and swirl my tongue around it.

The clovers are being put on my nipples and he sits me up, removing the cock from my mouth. The chain of the clover inserted in place of it so as Every hit strikes my ass I pull my own nipples and the clovers tighten. This goes on forever as the crying turns to streaming tears and I beg as loud as I can with the damn chain still in my mouth…Just saying please Sir over and over. My cunt is a dripping mess and all I want is for it to be filled, but no not yet.

Back down face first, ass up the impact stops and I cry……cry that it stopped even harder than when it was happening. Then I feel something cold on my slave hole and know it’s the metal plug…the stretching is slow, methodical and in the back of my mind I know it’s someone that’s done that before and before I can piece it together, the clod metal goes in and out comes a good deep pain moan. I feel a cunt in my face and I know I have to cum, so I lick as though my dear life depends on it as just as I fell her starting to cum, Sir tells me when she does I can and we both come as I lick and never loose pace, her orgasm being the more important one.

Sir says that I’ve been a very god girl and turns me around, undoing my hands and warming them for me. The other people in the room are to my back so it is still in my submissive state just the two of us as he tells me to stay ass up and spread my legs wide as I fell a hard cock (or hell it could have been a strap-on) enter my cunt hole. Now it is my turn to fuck who he says and as I do his hand goes around my neck and I float and drip. He takes the blindfold off, my beautiful makeup now just streaks of black running down my face and my eyes begging him to come…Begin him for more, begging him to call me his good whore. and he counts back from 10 and I fuck that cock harder and as I come I am only looking at him…only showing him the feelings attached to that exact moment.

I woke up before I could find out who or even how many were in the room.

I now realize that a year and a half later, my dream that I’ve had a version of for so long is really just a compilation piece of all different scenes I have experience in that time-frame.

So when I woke up at 5:30 there was just no falling back to sleep.

Connection vs attachment

something I thought of yesterday.

I guess it’s related to that post about making service doms.

On Monday I had a discussion with the female half that I think started that thought. Don’t know how the topic came up but I think it was me asking how long they had been together.

He just moved in and they were still in the process of organizing things and making room in an apartment she has had alone for years.

When they first got together he had lived with another woman, a sub I believe. When they broke up, she kept the dogs and he was still getting used to not having his pets. Somehow this conversation flowed to her saying….. It’s funny because his subs all fall in love with him and he doesnt understand that.

He’s one of the few doms I know that has a pick of the single female subs. I’ve seen it and find it ….. Weird. I’m not saying he’s not fun to play with. I’ve never seen a scene that looked bad and he is very caring to them, but I can’t see the “why” in it.

From the get go I was very clear on wanting to play with her, not him and I think that caught her almost off gaurd. He even thanked me for playing with her at the party because she hardly ever gets to let loose and have fun, always worried about hosting instead.

It took a few days but I’m realizing that I’m compartementalizing  people and staying detached because I’m afraid of becoming attached.

At the same time im searching for a connection. I’m tired of these “empty” scenes I’ve been having. I mean I write about them and in the moment they are fun. But like when a director yells cut…. Boom, it’s over.

So is the answer to get over my fear of attachment? Or to find a way of being ok living in the moment?

Analytically I see the value in both of these.

Both would open me up to new experiences and growth. I just don’t know….what path to choose???

I choose this topic over the other two because…. Little R is a frustrating one and the other will give me cunt brain and I can’t be in that state of mind right now.

Almost a drop

last night was pretty kick ass.

Back to crazy lady’s class after being out for three weeks and my practice was as close to perfect as I can hope for. 

We had a short conversation before I left that went something like (insert Bulgarian accent)”my beatiful one, have you been cheating on me? You are much stronger than ever (turns to muscular personal chef guy) you should go set up next to her next class, she’s my best and can teach you a few things”

I also told her I was going to start warming everyone up because she was late due to the subways (I said it as a joke) she pulled me aside and said please do that…. I know you can and she really would apprciate it because she hates rushing the class. 

When I got home I was trying to figure out why I was so much better yesterday…. Was it not going to her class? Was it knowing that the hip pain should be gone by next week? Was it still the high from the monday scene?? Nope to all of that.

It was food. That was what I changed yesterday. In an effort to get the most bang for my dieting buck I was severely cutting my carbs….like to almost Adkins level. That works for some people but as the scale has proved, not me. I loose my stamina .

We do a monthly meeting that we get catered and they changed the menu yesterday, it was finally something I could eat. It was amazing, all really good carbs, fats and protein and I needed it. So today I’m going to stick to a better balance.

I was even able to stop the drop. I was sitting on the couch, first time all week, about to watch got. All of a sudden the bad voices started. The doubts, the im nothing but a play thing to my partners etc….. I said no! Then I recalled some conversations with them and Sir and reached out to n…. Not saying drop and it backed off. 

There’s no saying I won’t tail spin again….. The physical drop happened monday right after the scene… I was cold and shaking. I don’t get that often. But hugs and aftercare was given and I came out ok. It’s the 5 day later cry festival that I can’t stand.

It makes me feel weak and irrational, needy and generally a pain in the ass to everyone around me.

Topics maybe for later: little R’s morning calls, fights and emotional roller coaster. 

I actually had a dream last night that left me in a puddle.

Busy, just busy

everyday seems like at least three days in one.

Went to the pain management doctor and I have a sacroiliac joint dysfunction. Pretty funny since most of yoga is balancing on those joints when seated. The solution, really large shots into the joint to bring down the inflammation. 

I hate needles, really hate them. I’ve had these shots in my feet, mr ankles, my knees… I’m adding the hips. Every decade it moves up my body.

But…. If it works I’ll be back to a relatable pain free life, lol, or at least walking will be easier.

So the next week is work, gym, social life, doctors and trying to get ready for Sirs visit. At this point I have to even set aside time to get him food, my calendar is really that tight.

Again my way of trying not to drop, I guess. Or just a coincidence?

My mood is much less funky than yesterday. I was just a mush and now I’m getting better. 

How yoga is the same

I often have very random realizations. My Tuesday night teacher at the end of each practice will add some verbal meditation.

She changed the class from a down and dirty, hard fast vinyasa flow to a candle light yoga. For me…. That’s a much more difficult class. For the others it’s easier. I want quick move breathe connect….. Hit subspace repeat. For others they don’t have the form or experience to get into pose quick, so they take time and im stuck there holding a pose like its bikram….and I hate bikram. I know for her job security she had to change it as her class size went down to only 4 of us that could keep up.

She kept one flow just for me….she knew I’d get frustrated and want to leave.

But…. The random thought, “when You are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, we are one”. To me this perfectly describes the D/s dynamic. 

Long ago Sir and I spoke of the meshing and balance and I realize that’s been what has been missing with my play partners. 

That’s why I’ve been refusing aftercare. There’s been no bond, neither of us got to that place….and that place is different but when we both get there…. That’s when the meshing happens. 

It can be in a long term relationship and if the chemistry is right can exist in a scene. I learned that last night. 

I think last night everyone left that scene getting what they needed. Or at least that’s my hope.

Sir said to think of a year ago compared to now. 

A year ago Sir would have found them, planned it and probably would have been there or at least given me about 5 pep talks before hand. Now a year later, none of that was nessessary, but as soon as I woke up this morning I said please let there be an email from him. I Gues I still have that little bit of “is he ok with this left in me”.

So she messaged to check on me and asked for feedback….im really not sure what to say. My only hope is that it was as good of a first time scene for them as for me.

I slept last night hugging my pillow, im still not great with the going home alone part. 

Just, wow…

and as I think that I’m going to drop like a ton of fucking bricks from that.

I’m still a bit subbie and on a damn uncomfortable subway seat, yet again.

As far as group play and play outside of sir and I…. That may have just topped the first time. I still use that to measure all scenes.

It was the right measure of pain, pleasure, bondage, denial and the one final explosion. 

I have no names for them. Originally it was just going to be girls, but her partner came home early. I’ve seen many many scenes with them and they are well known, so my normal fear was oddly gone.

The two of us met for a drink and chatted about everything, not one subject untouched. 

My minds a little foggy. 

She asked if I liked rope, but her skills aren’t good. He came home and he asked if it was ok if he tied me. He tied my hands to a suspended spreader bar. It looked like beautiful gladiator bracelets.

She told me to keep my bra and underwear on. We had gone through her toys collection and settled on some amazing thuddy stuff, my clovers and hitachi (encased in a rubber glove) that’s where I go spacey. I only stayed tied for the warm up. 

Then to the bed. Lots of hitachi and impact and edging. There was some breath play and I had asked for water. We took a nice break and to my amazement I let her hold me. I normally don’t allow after care, but in the moment it felt right.

She had gotten her period, so the sexual side was cut short. He had said after my reactions to her play were great, the way I moved was a dance and very erotic….

(Pause to help very lost brizalian tourists.)

Ok now I’m on my second very uncomfortable train.

So one thing I really liked is they kept me moving, they even had wedges like at the chiropractor. At one point I had my clovers on, legs in a butterfly position, hitachi on my clit and I was balancing a glass of water in my left hand. Not one drop spilled as I edged….. I think that was only a minute or so before I called sir to cum. 

I don’t remeber much but damn did I need that….I do remeber saying thank you Sir and they thought it was the cutest thing ever. 

Lots of cuddles and water and a chocolate … Some good conversation and I headed home. 

I was either expecting her to cancel or maybe it not to be good outside of a club, im so happy I was wrong.

So again, thank you sir.

A priest and a Rabbi walk into a munch….

Think of what the most bizarre things can happen in a munch and that was yesterday. (insert hour long conversation with little R to distract me from writing). Side Note- she got a new job and work will be weird without her. I guess even though she’s a big pain in my ass I’ll miss her always being there.

So back to the munch. I’ve gone every month now for over a year and when the leader asked me to fill in for him, I was honored and nervous as hell. There was a girl that had moved away and it was her birthday, so he didn’t want to change the date.I decided to invite everyone I know in the lifestyle and try to make it more of a comfort zone. SMG met me at my house so we could walk the few blocks together and when we arrive……there’s a communion party. Now this bar never has more than 5 people on a Sunday and now it’s packed! I think…crap. I don’t have admin rights on Fet so I reach out to everyone I know. L and M show up and we all laugh at how crazy this is and turn to see a rabbi walk in. I lost it laughing, it really was the start to a bad joke.

Eventually the party starts wrapping up and more of my friends show along with the birthday girl. We finally take over our normal spot and by then we were a nice group of about 20. Bg came along with Fet girls Dom and everyone was talking and having a good time, when in walks the Rabbi again, yup turns out he’s one of us. I do what I’m there to do and introduce myself. He said he’s been there once before and wasn’t greeted kindly, so I made up for that. Turns out he’s sub and very private about his likes. I introduce him to the one Domme in attendance and they seemed to hit it off.

The birthday girl on the other hand was a real bitch and she was even worse because not one of her friends showed up. Not even the guy that was bringing her cake. So what happens when a bratty baby girl gets pissed? She tries to start shit. Telling one person the fet girls Dom was inappropriate with her, telling me that another friend was. I looked at her and very loudly said ….what would you like me to do? I will speak to him or ask him to leave or would you like to sit over there …far away from him??? She said no, I just thought you should know, since he is a newbie and stranger. So I told her, no he’s not, he’s one of my friends and here your the stranger today. I guess she heard I was Sub and thought I would do some bonding girl power bullshit and feed into her need for attention. Turns out all the two guys did was wish her a happy birthday and ask if her friends were coming.

I went outside and by the time I got back in they were gone, thank god! As I’m outside the Rabbi comes up and thanks me for the warm welcome. I invite him back and he was shocked but happy. Then he tells me if I ever decide to change orentation to remember he’s a sub… Yup I got hit on by a rabbi. There’s more to this very weird night, but it’s time to hit the gym…..

Good Morning Sir

Sir and I have many routines. I don’t think of it as protocol, I’ve been asked if it is, but no it’s routines. One is the morning email.  For me it’s a nice 2 minute break as I’m getting ready for the day to say hello.

The last few days have been busy and my normal routines have flown out the door. I even left work sick one day. That is so unlike me. My body was just not fit to be around others and the amount of general nose blowing is terrifying.

During this all Sir and I have spoke and written and stayed in contact, but …. I’m just feeling alone lately. Yet everyday I’m surrounded by people. All different people, but…I miss our good dinner talks.

I have taken steps to fix some long standing issues physically. Things and pains I’ve just dealt with. So this week will be filled with doctors appointments, the gym and even a couple of social events and a possible adventure or two.

There was a brief written conversation we had last week. Something that we never really talked about and that’s a comment I had made about my collar. I had said something along the lines of it not being a really important thing to him. He said of course it is. What I never said was why I had made that comment. See my collar….well, when I started wearing it he said it was only for play. Since then not the actual tangible thing but the representation of it means more.

In the beginning he said that wasn’t his way of marking his property, so I’ve always taken it as more of a symbol to others, not to him. Funny it’s starting to wear away, worn to much, shabby looking. I’ve thought many times of asking if we could replace it with something made a bit better. I haven’t due I guess in part to sentiment. My first Dom would not ever even talk about a collar. Or no correction, he said sure if you want one go buy it but it will mean nothing, it will be yours. Sorry Sir I guess this is just one more time others shitty actions reflect on you, wrongly.

So getting caught up….Vanilla wise, yesterday was filled with 4 hours of train rides and an equal amount of time in a church. Sinus infection and churches really don’t go. I’m super allergic to the incense and it was torture. Luckily at hour 3 1/2 C saw that and gave me an out. Problem the out meant another 2 hour subway ride. I was sneezing so much that I was ok with that option. Old work husband and I caught up last night. He even brought his wife out (that hardly ever happens). There relationship is really strained and just sitting with them you could feel the stress.

Kinky wise, today is the munch. I’m not that stressed about it, even if no one shows, I’ll have my little group there and I’m using it as more of an excuse to introduce people that will meet at next Fridays event. Worst case…there will be 6 of us there and for me, that’s enough. I’ve also had to play nice on Fet lately. The messages I normally shoot down from I have to respond as a munch leader, instead of a Sub. I hope I’m doing an ok job at that. Tomorrow should be interesting. I have an afternoon date with a Domme that I find really interesting and unlike Domme D, she is not a-sexual, so maybe my long streak of denial will end. I miss calling Sir and begging to cum. I just realized how very long it’s been. Oh and Domme D wants to play again, problem is going to be my lack of time. I’m trying to get as much of my medical stuff done while I still have good insurance. It really is a large difference in co-pays from one insurance to another and I refuse to spend every last dime on doctors, when I’m relatively healthy.

Time to go wash the hair die off and get to the gym. This will be the last time I get to sit for many…many…many hours.

 Your mushy slave