Stand still

i don’t like when I get sick and the world stops. 

So there’s not much at all to write about.

Happy friday, not too happy… No inches lost or gained, no weight lost or gained either.

I have one meeting to get through.

Off to the doctor for my back after work….. Blahx3

Busy … Insane weekend and im pretty sure I’m going to pass on the confirmation after party tomorrow:(

Wish I was sitting in a sauna 

Last days

i walked into a whirlwind of work and questions and meetings today.

I’m just sitting down to take my medicine now. Funny thing is… I’m going to miss this when he’s gone.

Today is my boss (who’s really not my boss) going away party. Turned out he will be here for some of tomorrow too.

Id love to write a long blog, but this day is in full swing and I have emails piling up.

Side note: he is a super religious man…. And , well, I’m me. The second we start brainstorming all the differences are put aside and turns out our brains think exactly the same.

Medicine head

Total fog.

Last night I had a nice long chat with n…. One glass of wine each. 

We talked about drop, subspace, the upcoming party, shitty husbands, work, kids and the list goes on.

She told me she found a unicorn for her and her ldr friend. It was a girl did and I thought was a fake did to her flaky ways. Turns out she’s not. N said she lacked  depth, like she was nothing but a toy. That she couldn’t sit as we do and have a conversation.

I told her….what I think is the truth and that I think that’s what they need at this time. Neither wants a third in their relationship and maybe someone kinky and lacking personality is a godsend.

Sounds bad, but hey, it’s the truth.

Problem is when we start chatting, we can’t stop. So I was knitting to bring the warm weather and I realized our wine had been done for a pretty long time. Sir usually calls and tells me that it’s time for bed.

Shit…. I look and it’s an hour past my bedtime. So I did what I knew was right and called him. 

On the bright side, I slept really well and was up before the alarm. 

Sorry sir, but we had so much to talk about.

It’s Monday Again

I woke up with horrible sinus issues. I fed the dogs and went about my morning routine and as I was about to dry my hair, I just had to stop.

I’m lucky that I have the option of working from home when I am like this. I don’t take advantage of it often because I need to make sure that when I can function, just not sit in an office I can.

Yesterday was hard. I got though it trying to keep a positive outlook. My stepson called me and I was so happy to hear his little voice say I love you. My ex never showed for the tax papers or returned my messages. He also neglected to tell me the prescription coverage changed and he got new cards. I found that out when I went to fill an epi pen and they wanted 635 bucks. What an ass. He also never told his other ex. I had to. That was not fun. I had hoped my days of being their mediator were over, but guess not.

My mother called last night to check on me. She said I didn’t seem like myself earlier in the day. It’s hard to explain to her how mother’s day affects me, but at least she picked up on it.

I got at least one thing going for me today, my back and hip feel fine, not even a pinch in it.

Guess I should get some work done…….Happy Monday

An ode to my mothers

its really hard to explain her.

She’s an addict and an alcoholic. Granted shes 25 years clean am sober, but most of the times she still shows those behaviors.

Last night I was watching nurse Jackie, fuck that show pisses me off.  Sometimes I need to see it. She bailed on her kids and the older one explained, you need to get used to it. She’s not reliable.

Yesterday she came through. I called once-no answer, I texted-no answer, I called again, she answered and I told her I can’t walk. Within the hour she was at the door.

The problem when dealing with a recovering addict is the inconsistency.

On this day I also long to talk with Nana. Not that I don’t miss her every day, but today it gets much worse.

Unlike years past I woke up today and decided I’m going to try to concentrate on the good. To celebrate the village of woman that contributed to me being who I am. To give thanks for the very special children that think of me as one of their other moms and to not wallow over my lack of biological children.

Life has many paths and true motherhood was not one for me.

Around and Around I GO

Here’s the big issue I’ve always had. I don’t know when enough is enough.

I like pain, so how to do I tell the difference between when It’s good and helpful or when it’s bad and harmful. Answer-I never do until it’s way too late. Sir tries to help me with this, but honestly there’s only so much he can do.

I’m used to performing with fractures and tears, sprains and strains, so when I get a cramp in my hip, it’s no big deal. Except I’m not a 20 year old dancer anymore, I’m a forty year old woman.

Yesterday I was in agony and then I dropped and then I had an allergy attack. It was miserable, but I was going to see a show full of acrobats and contortionists and I had that to look forward to until I realized I had to go down balcony stairs with no hand rail. I just couldn’t do it, One step and I almost fell. A very nice usher assisted me to my seat and I felt horrible. Two days ago I was doing a standing split, now I can just about walk.

This morning I woke up and couldn’t move. In my sleep I had rolled onto my back and I was stuck in that position. It took 15 minutes to shimmy my left hip to the edge of the bed, so I could get a foot on the floor and use my core to sit upright. By the time I got to where I could reach my phone I called my mother in tears saying I can’t walk. Another 15 minutes and I was able to take a few steps and stand fully upright.

After calling every chiro/sports medicine doc near me I broke down and called my old doc that I haven’t seen since 2012. They said come right in. Mom came to the rescue and 4 hours later I’m sitting here with a lumbar herniation. It used to be just a bulge, but as far as I can figure my wonderful pound class destroyed my back. I think I may have been a bit to aggressive with the drum sticks. So for at least the next month no pound, very little cardio, but I can do my yoga, just not over do it.

The doc and I talked, I was her first patient out of medical school, we are the same age and always have a good laugh. I was super worried about the bruises, but DD has some good aim and they are all low, so she didn’t see them. We spoke of our love of amazon and how we should not be allowed on groupon when we drink. Side-note; had to cancel my facial today, that was a drunk groupon purchase I was really looking forward to. I mentioned that I haven’t need to see her because of yoga and the fact I can order any DME I need on amazon, so I’ve been treating myself and doing a damn good job of it. Then she scolded me for waiting until the pain was at an 8 on the scale. If she only knew an 8 for me is a 10 for normal people and they would have been in the hospital instead of her office. She’s good though, not just a chiro but also pt and sports medicine, so for at least the next week I’ll make the long trip to her and get an MRI to make sure there’s no other damage. She did oddly compliment how I handle pain. She says I’m the only person she knows that when they come for treatment there’s never a question of if I’m faking it for a comp claim or something. I never have anyone to blame but me and when she lifted my shirt to examine me she could see the spasms visually.

So again I over did it…I really tried Sir and I’m super sorry but I couldn’t stop myself.

This weekend I will not go to the gym and it will kill me. I will try very hard not to starve myself because I will be afraid of adding any weight. Monday I will go back to hippie guy and take it easy. I will tell my other 2 teachers of the injury and they will stop me if I try to go to hard. That’s the best I can figure out to do.

I hurt…..and I want to cry, but I won’t, it won’t solve anything.

Like the weather…..

my mood is forever changing.

I haven’t dropped yet, I’m really happy for that. Today is a busy day and I can’t deal with any emotional crap right now.

I was thinking about Domme D last night and I’m kinda putting her on the list of service tops. See mentally I have lists, places I categorize people. Some are on more than one list, like take for example L, he is both friend and service top.

Looking over these lists, the kinky friends list has outgrown the vanilla one. Odd, but I’m ok with that.

Right now the only playpartners I have are the dancers and they are way too busy, I’d be shocked if I saw them more than 4 times a year. 

Then there’s tops, there’s DD, L and fet girls x-Dom. These are the people that if I need an attitude adjustment I can rely on to give me some good pain and aside from friendship it stops there. I’m happy to have them, but it’s not enough.

So at some point today im going to try to set up something with the hmmm, what should I call them? They will be SS for now. I’m hoping to get at least what I’m looking for play wise from her. It’s been too long since I’ve called up sir begging to cum.

I realized I no longer have an overwhelming need for just pain, im actually starting to miss sex.

For some reason I had really shut down the part of me that enjoys being fucked (pardon my French). Not that I went vanilla by any means, I just fell very deep into needing pain.

Well gotta get some work done.

Missing Sir, could really use a good talk over good food, and lap time.

Spankings and Laughs

There were parts of last night that I think Sir would have really liked and others that he would have been very WTF…

To anyone that reads this blog it’s no big secret that i like to mix sex with my BDSM. Don’t get me wrong a good maintenance spanking is sometimes needed to fix my atitude, but in the past my play partners and scenes have always had a very sexual aspect to them. This is in no small part do to the fact that most of them have also had swinging as a fetish.

Domme D is very much into impact, bondage and creative housework, og and lets not forget orgasm denial. I really thought the last one was due to her male subs need of it, but no, it’s all her.

I went through a rather large trunk of all kinds of toys and more cuffs and things than I’ve seen even in a NYC sex shop. There was a small pile of, nope never gonna happen that included a straight jacket and hood along with a single tail. then there was the pile of…I’ll try that and a small pile of bondage stuff for the maybe next time pile.

We had a nice discussion regarding communication and her counting fetish. If you think my OCD is bad, damn her’s is off the charts. We agreed to the 1-10 scale (Sir ‘s favorite), but used in a way for me to tell her the level I think she is at during play. So a 5 is ok, then she would ask if I wanted harder, making me say please. I would yell switch when I needed a different toy. It became a very long science experiment. She saw that pain wise I could take a beating equal to her sub in many ways. Also that my love of all things thuddy was very apparent in my body language. She laughed because when I really like something I make “chipmunk” sounds and if I’m really close to coming I stop my left foot. lol, I think I picked that up from Fet girl.

Every time I would start edging she would say, no don’t you come and then threaten me with some very unusual housework. I would laugh. It really was a getting to know likes and tolerance and parts were insanely funny. I hit subspace very lightly, trying to keep communicating so she wouldn’t stop.

She even asked the level of nudity I was comfortable with in the beginning, saying that she knows woman generally have many more body issues than men. I was so damn relieved, because the idea of being fully naked in front of her at this stage was horrifying.

When i had entered she was cooking a really amazing dinner for poorp. She mentioned that she told him she wanted steak and she would let him know when she was hungry. If we were still playing he would drop it at the door and go back out until she gave him permission to come back.

Our play was done and we sat in the livingroom chatting, drinking good wine and eating super dark chocolates. It was then that I realized one of the problems I have with Dom play partners is my inability to accept aftercare in a physical form. I just can’t. It feels wrong. It got me to thinking about all of the other times I’ve let someone other than Sir Dom me and the most I could stand was a long hug. I do fine with cuddles from a sub or switch female, but never a dom. I’ll figure that out one day.

Oh side note- almost forgot. There were two other things. First it wasn’t until yesterday that Sir and I realized this was the first time I was playing with a new person in private since her. That was back in August, so my nerves were even worse than normal. I’ve played in clubs and with the dancers, but clubs are a safe place for me and I always go with people to watch my back. The dancers I met thanks to Sir and I am extremely comfortable with them. They don’t have that “unknown” factor that last night did.

There was also a time that Domme D explained her like of bondage. poorp moves, like a lot and she needs to restrain him, so that he doesn’t get hurt. I told her no from the very beginning I was trained not to move. This wasn’t by Sir, but my ex-dom. It was right then that I remembered that’s where the last scene had gone wrong. I had moved. He could tell if I even flinched a small muscle in my ass. The good thing….I didn’t get triggered by that very sharp memory. She came back with a “I’m not that strict, I just don’t want to aim for you ass and get your ribs instead.” No more perfect words could have been said at that moment.

So back to the couch. We spoke of her work and funny gym stories. It was time for her to eat and she allowed poorp to come back home. He came in with a look of utter love on his face. Funny thing, for all of her talk of tormenting him, she looked at him the same way. She made a few purchases for him while he was away on vacation, one of them was “the secretary” spreader bar. So she showed him and put him in it to serve her her meal. He did pretty well. We also talked about his chastity device. For the first time I was not at all uncomfortable around a male slave. As she sat to eat I felt it was the right time to leave. saying good bye and thank you, with promises of more play in the future.

It was time for the long trip home, luck was on my side and the trains were running well since it was still rather early. Btw…..where they lived was breathtaking, I mean absolutely amazing, I got lost trying to find the right elevator.

As usual I tried to give Sir a run down, but my body filled with all of the after scene chemicals, it was shitty at best. Back home with the pups walked I crawled into bed, very sore and happy to be tucked in.



I hate the sound of music, but….

ever have that moment that is so fucking funny and perfect? 

So I’m in the train, my ass thumping, and all of a sudden I hear of all things a clarinet. It is softly play these are a few of my favorite things. I start smiling and laughing.

The spanking that lasted almost 2 hours putting me in a damn chipper mood, and then that song. Nana sang it to me all the time. 

Funny how the reminders of her pop up like that.

I gave the guy a buck and got off the train….2 down, one to go…