Nervous Nellie 

so I’m nervous…..but trying not to be….lol, doing a pretty shit job of it.

Had a good long talk over coffee with my boss. We discussed handoffs and work stuffs. Email and cell (personal) exchanged. He plans to open a nyc office and already has a list of people he wants to staff it and im at the top. Sadly it will take a couple of years, so in that time my plan is to get this company to teach me as much as possible. When I leave if his plans fall into place, I’ll be a director and not some shitty mid management like I am now.

Last nights yoga class went over by a half an hour. Add that to the 30 minutes at full masochist speed I did on the treadmill and I got home walking like I was 100 years old. 

I need the rain to stop.

It’s funny because doing yoga hurts much less than walking. I noticed that last night. The rain makes my knee unstable, that throws out my hip, in turn throwing out my back. So now I limp…..ugh.

I slept with lidocane patches, one on each hip and one on my lower back, but my left hip is still not right.

I kinda wish I had an estim machine for truley medicinal purposes, maybe I’ll try the hitachi later?

Hmmm, what else?

Planning a big group to go to a party in a couple of weeks. It always starts out so well and then im lucky if 5 show.

The russian novel continues. They are not taking the fight public on social media. 

Little R has officially run out of drama. So now she in needy complaining little mode.


super calm today do to the weather. Everyone is walking around half asleep.

This is the first day in months I have no meeting (probably just jinxed myself).

The visit from the widow went well. We both agreed a big part of her relationship problems she has now come from never really dealing with her husband’s death.

Today is doctors and the gym…..but tomorrow a trip to domme d’s house. I’m not nervous yet, but I will be. Part of it is she works in a field dedicated to perfecting the human body and the thought of taking any of my clothes off in front of her is petrifying.

I’m also a little apprehensive about playing because I just dealt with a really shitty drop. I think I’m going to put n on stand by, now that she knows what it is, I have someone that will come over and give hugs.

Little R is in a foul mood. She’s very lucky I didn’t punch her in the face yesterday, so today I’m keeping my head down and not feeding into whatever petty little drama she has made up today.

My aunt and mother got into a fight and…. Ugh, they are really at each other’s throats. This weekend is going to be a mess.

Not sure….

normally I have a topic or at least an idea as I open my browser to write.

Today I don’t.

Guess I’ll recap.

Had lunch with l and m. It was nice, had some laughs and such. Dealt with the ever arguing fet girl and her dom. Plans to meet with domme d fell through.

I was oddly glad, my energy was tapped out and I really just wanted not to talk.

N is just coming out of drop and joined fet.

Guess those are the highlights.

This week is too busy. Plans overlapping plans.

None of the set in stone, but u hate juggling.

I realize I’m no closer to finding a local Fwb than I was a year ago. The upside, I have a bunch more good friends.

See Nope, nothing to really express today, just looking forward to yoga and maybe a glass of wine with the widow.

Domme d is very quickly loosing my interest. Our lives are way too busy and making plans is a chore, not an event. Yes she pretty, but I don’t feel the attraction that I have with people like o.

Little R started in early today saying she didn’t like the dress I wore. One bad pic and she was like no it was horrible. I explained c will always post one bad pic of me per event. She will make sure it’s the worst angle and I look like a house. That’s just how she is and I know this. I told R, I don’t need to hear it, I saw the pic and no I didn’t look like that. 


It wasn’t until I saw my mother that I realized the “issue” I was having finding something to wear. When I moved to bklyn I had found a hanging bag of dresses that I guess I’d hid from myself. This whole time looking for a dress, in the back of my mind I knew I had these there, but I didn’t know if I could stand to put one on.

The dresses are a full decade old. I didn’t worry about style, since the majority of my clothing has always trended to retro and classic. I also wasn’t concerned about size since I am exactly the same size as I was then.

My worry……..they were dresses purchased for my honeymoon and a rash of weddings I had to attend shortly after. Before opening the bag I tried everything that I had and nothing was working. One was too business, one too big, one way to “from the Little R collection” So I kinda purposely backed myself into a corner. I choose my favorite a nude slip with a black lace overlay, backless and tea length.

My mother saw me and said, “oh, I haven’t seen that dress in a while. It looks totally different, somehow better”. The rare compliment from her, I knew at that moment she realized when the dress was purchased. She later said that it was strange to see that dress and it showed her the woman I had become. I wore it with a confidence I lacked the first time.

Throughout the night I received many compliments and it was a wonderful time. When I got home I hung the dress in with the rest of my clothes, not returning it to the bag of memories that I found it in. I guess it’s time to decide what I keep from that time and what is going in the trash.

The nice thing is now I will look at that dress and remember the night my dear goddaughter celebrated her sweet sixteen, instead of ……..all the other stuff.