Being “adulty” kinda sucks

yesterday was a really hard day.

There were both great and shitty parts.

I walked into work, opened my emails and for the first time ever (possibly in all of corporate America) it was filled with thank you emails. When I get sad and angry I throw myself big time into the analytical side of my personality and get extremely type a.

The problem with that is I had set plans for a play date. Straight from work I was heading to meet up for a drink with him as she had to talk to an ex sub of hers.

I was going through my brain as to how I would handle play and totally shit down the emotions.

Sir called in the afternoon and I had that really fake chipper voice on, the voice that normally proceeds a total break.

After talking and writing a pro list it hit me the only reason I was going was because I didn’t want her to think I was a flake. She is the first person outside of sir and even including Sir that I have no guilt over liking. I also have no guilt over playing. 

I’m in no way saying the “good girl guilt” is gone, I just can’t find a reason to have any. 

So in an effort to not give the wrong impression I almost did something that probably would have resulted in ….. Ugh, I don’t even want to think of the fall out.

If I took a dom role, I would have been too sadistic. As a sub, I would have begged to be taken into a very unsafe zone. Sir brought up a good point that if they caught onto my instability they would not have played and then I would have had to deal with the possibility of rejection. Secret…. I really don’t deal with rejection well. 

Then there is the issue of the hour on the subway alone after. I’ve cried in subways before, it’s not fun.

So as an adult I sent them each a message appoligizing for canceling, expressing how much I was looking forwRd to seeing them and saying that something is going on that I’ll talk to them friday about.

The messages I got back really couldn’t have been any better. He expressed that they were there for me if I need anything and she said it was not a problem and suggested we grab a drink before the party. 

I think she was a little relieved. Turns out the meeting with her ex did not go well, so I doubt she was in a good headspace.

Instead I went to crazy lady. At Dir suggestion I told her I was not in a good place and asked her to keep an eye on me so I don’t push too hard. I cut my running from an hour to 30 minutes. 

In the mindframe I was in ….. I’m searching for the endorphins to kick in and that’s when I’m most prone to injure myself. So as I had asked in the past Sir stepped in to help.

My practice was amazing and as I left crazy lady sad how much stronger I was getting and grabbed me into a big hug and told me she loved me. It was unexpected but hey she is my exercise Domme. 

When I got home I was better and Sir was taking a quick rest before going out. He’s sounding better, but his energy isn’t back yet, plus he’s a sleep whore.

I was busy and accidentally (with a decent reason) called to wake him 6 minutes late. So 6 minutes of clover, 6 of hitachi, some self flogging and 6 o’s to make me feel better.

It wasn’t so much playing that was a bad idea, it’s that we don’t know each other well enough to play when emotions are that high.

Sir knows I needed the tears to come. I needed to get my head out of that really shut down space it was in. After I came back, I was calmer. I could feel again. It was as if the wall of ice melted around my heart.

I checked in to see his her meeting went. I danced in my kitchen waiting for n to come by.

N and I had a good night, I made her dinner and have her even more clothes. The message I sent about being alone in a crowd has really stuck with her. She is seeing how in many ways that is true of both of us.

For as much work as Sir and I have put in, I still have that mentality. I’m not sure if that will ir should ever change.

Sometimes you just need a hug…

and a shoulder to cry on.

Earlier in the week n told me her kids said I was quiet, she laughed.

When I texted her yesterday I said something that made her realize what the kids saw, but she didn’t im sunday. I told her I feel all alone in the crowd. They saw the sad me. She appoligized because up until that statement she didn’t get why I was so upset.

It made her think…. We both have similar personalities and she had to pucture her life without her kids, her house, even her shitty husband and large family, that’s when it hit her…. Why I worked so hard to put my group of friends together.

So she told me from now on she is my big sister. That I can lean on her when the world crashes down.

We spent time talking about my marriage and how I gave everything with little to no appreciation. We talked about mom and how im still mother to her a these years later. How I know I have things to be proud of, but how I still have that horrible empty place in my heart because I can’t have children. 

We spoke of Sir and how good he is with me. How much more peaceful I am when he is around.

I even spoke of my fears of being an old lady all alone. That’s by far one of my biggest fears, what happens when I’m no longer…. Attractive,relevant, when im no longer… Wanted.

These are all of the things that have been circling in my head as saturday grows closer.

The anger comes in for many reasons too. I’m angry at myself for wasting so many key years on him. For depriving myself of living. Also im pissed, pissed he gets the life I wanted. Pissed that he takes care of the new girl, but never took care of me. Insanely pissed that he has a son that loves him that he ignores and a daughter that is his life.

This is the part of my personality I don’t like….envy. I envy him. He’s a shitty person who has been handed a really good life. Even when we were together, I have him everything. Yet he values nothing.

My therapist said after the miscarriage and I broke down, explaining all the stuff wrong with my marriage “what does it feel like to know you married the wrong person?” I never answered that question until now…. It feels like fucking shit. It feels like I deserve a do over. It feels like I’m the biggest asshole that has ever walked the earth.

On a good note I think it helped her. She left not being so sad her two youngest went away for the summer. She was more grateful after our chat.

And it’s not that I’m ungrateful. I know I have good people and even though I have hard times, I’ve made myself a nice life. With Sirs support, I know I’ll get past this. It will be just another experience to grow from and unlike the past im not holding in my feelings, letting them eat at my heart. 

Sir puts up with a lot of shit from me and n told me to knock it off. It made me realize it’s been a while since I’ve freaked out on him. I think that’s coming with me accepting myself. I only would try to pull the plug on our realationship when I would get scared, scared of feeling things, both the good and the bad.

Why russian girls make me scream!

……and not in a good way.

I have 2 of them, just friends, but with a dynamic. So I guess not just friends, but no benefit for me.

So there’s Fet girl. She is so very bitter. I keep seeing shit she posted and it’s all to get a rise out of FGD. She’s one to say “oh I have to tell you about this” all because she thinks I’ll tell him. Guess what, I don’t. I’d like to think I’m a better friend than that, but the truth is I really can’t deal with the look of heartache in his eyes whenever he speaks of her.

Then there’s ….. Ugh, little R. Last night she cancelled plans again, claiming no money….. I have a real problem with people that say that yet have 20 grand in the bank and a fucking black card and all of their bills are paid three months in advance and they are getting 2 pay checks on Friday.

See when I say I have no money, I mean I have a 0 balance and I am cashing in change to survive to payday. I grew up with no money, as in catholic charities catered Christmas and it was a happy day when we could go to the food pantry. It meant we would eat.

Today as I turn the water in to get into the shower the phone rings. It’s her. I tell her I’m getting into the shower I can’t talk. She goes on about how she always called at this time. No I tell her you would call 10 minutes later, when I was out of the shower and agsin she says get up earlier….. That was it, no! I do not revolve around your needs. Then she started talking as though I was just doing nothing, I cut her off and said again im going into the shower, goodbye. 

Today I say…. Fuck them both. I’m meeting neither on Friday as I had planned to meet them both. They need to go find some other “domme” to top from the bottom, im done.

Side note: im not pissed about this. I’m really kind of indifferent. I know I have better people in my life, so as I’ve done with friends that I’ve had much longer, cutting them out will not be a hard thing to do if they keep acting like assholes. 

Also the big promblem with them is they are both baby girls, at first I believe that a cring as mommy helped me to process not having children, but I get nothing from either except a headache. A bad/good thing I’m starting to learn, be less altruistic when it comes to friends.

Another list

i decided to transfer this over and post it on d day.

I’m more self aware

I’m more confident

I’m no one’s doormat

I’m Cared for

I’m valued

I’m in charge of how I deal with life

I could write a really long list, but the truth is in finding Sir and submission to the right person, I have gained control of how I live. He is my guidance and support. That feeling of being alone in a crowd is coupled with an invisible hand that I hold when I need to be steadied. He is also the person I share my joys and success with.

Yes, a year ago I would be trapped in my head, drinking, crying and generally a mess. Today I’m not. Sure I can look back as I did on Tuesday and mourn for all of the lost time, but I only did that because life is so much better now.

When I was at my lowest, I thought, When was I happy? When I was me, funny that was all the way back in senior year of high school. When I dress as I wanted, went to clubs and cut loose, when I had put together a group of misfit friends that all bonded, when I had the confidence to live and not be ashamed. Also when I excelled in every aspect of my life, work, school, art…..relationships. The difference is now I’m an adult and I know that this is my future. I’m learning to finally live in the moment, that is the only way to find peace.


as usually the weekend was way to short. All vanilla, but good.

Last night I went to n’s house. I helped her cook and was there to witness the count down to breaking her fast. 

I’ve really never seen so much food on one table for a “normal dinner”. After we sat in her balcony smoking hooka and relaxing.

It’s funny, everytime she comes over I send her home with clothes and she sends me home with food. 

I got in trouble for being late. Her older sons had the cars and I got in after bedtime. 

I looked today and according to my sleep monitor, I slept solid, just over 6 hours. If I get more than 7, I have broken sleep. So even though I was late, I’m less tired than if I went to sleep early.

Yesterday was about recharging. I took from the early morning until 3:30 to just be with me, then to just be with a good friend….it was easy, low stress.

Sir has been so good through all of these growing pains. That’s what they are, I know that.

I’ve changed almost too much this year. I know I’m happier, but am I still me?

Not lazy…Busy

Sorry Sir, I do know how you like to read a blog in the morning. Yesterday just got away from me. Gym then city then hair, then drinks.

The city was fun and we had a great time shopping and I got a complete new kit of personal makeup for 35 dollars! I do love elf, so good and so cheap. I even brought a new pair of walking shoes. That’s the end of spending money, no more treats, I have a plan that if I can avoid shiny things I’ll be mostly debt free by the new year. I used to be before the marriage and I’d like to get there again.

I’m pissed we chose the wrong purple for her hair, but I’ll fix it. You could tell she was happy anyway to have a color again instead of “normal hair”. So unbelievably like me at her age. We talked about how when we go to events and dress up it feels right and like all of the other days of the year, we feel as though we are in costume.

Drinks with the much organizer was more interesting than I thought it would be. Turns out he started the much to make friends after drama destroys his old group and after 2 years, he still had no people to go out with. I made it very clear to him, my group of people are very much friends and although some may play, it is not a pickup group. So at least we will take him out and see. I know the feeling of not wanting to walk into a party alone. He feels his age really puts most new people off and I explained to him, it’s not that. He basically has no game, no…I didn’t say it like that, but that is the truth. He’s too forward yet not forward enough. Plus his main thing is the single tail and that is something that straight off not many people want to do right off the bat in public. He said the sub he plays with now, he only plays with because she can cum from pain and he enjoys that. He made it like iit was something so special. I kept my little secret, something said don’t tell him. I also made it clear with the exception of FGD, all of my play partners are woman. I don’t want him to mistake my kindness for interest. I have to remember that some…most men will.

Today should be a good day….gym, facial (thanks drunk grouponing), mani-pedi (the only acceptable time for anyone to touch my poor broken feet) then off to N. Yup, more bike riding, pol time and my first breaking of a fast in a traditional household. Oh she brought over some food that she made on Friday and it was better than anything I’ve ever tasted. Her Hummus was like butter. So I’m saving most of my calories for later!!!

I think I over booked myself this week to keep my body busy so my brain won’t go to a bad place. I know it eventually will, but I’ll deal with it and like my 40th birthday, I’ll accept it and move on. I have to remember I did waste a decade, but I’ve also done more living in the past couple of years than many have in their whole life. I do have to admit….I’m getting a little tired.

It’s funny how life runs in cycles. I was thinking the other day that things are very much like they were in high school. Not in a bad way. I was very unsatisfied with where I was in life and decided to change it all. I started again and built a very big and close group of friends and naturally took over as the leader. Organizing trips and events and acting as lead of a merry bunch of misfits. mL had said something Friday about the party this Friday being my call. He said, you are the glue that holds the group together and that whatever I decide they will trust is the right thing. That felt good but is a shit ton of pressure to put on one person. As much as I would like to be with my friends and having fun, there’s too much on the line to bring them to that party. I have to put the good and welfare of others before the selfish needs of me. So I’m going to have to find something else for us to do or maybe I’ll just hang with my other D/s relationship, little R and take a break from the bigger group, recharge…..She may be a pain in the ass.but I know that she needs me and like Sir has helped me…I’m helping her. A year later she has an apt, a new job and she’s slowly learning not to be offensive, but that one will take a bit more time and effort to perfect.




Coming back

this week has been a really weird one. I did way too much last weekend and the tradition back to reality was hard.

I also deLt with to many difficult people. Fet girl, my family, even a long talk with l about m giving no feed back after a scene. It’s weird, he’s been in the lifestyle a very long time, but I find im teaching him. Teaching him about the emotions attached and I think he’s learning why he’s felt so “hurt” by lifestyle friends in the past.

This weekend im keeping vanilla, well vanilla with some kinky people. I feel bad because I really don’t have it in me to go out or extend too many emotions. FGD is going through too many emotions and I think he was looking to me to keep him distracted. The best I can offer is vanilla, I need to reset my brain.

Tonight is just the girls, drinkng wine and getting over drop. I invited m, not sure if she will come, but I think it would do her good if she did. She needs to learn to talk openly. I know n would like to play with her again, but if she gets a “that was nice” after a full on pegging scene again, I think n will loose it.

As far as me…. I really have no interest in anyone outside of Sir and the female half…..not even poor o as she is way too…..lets just say I’d cuddle her, but that’s about it:)

There’s been big big drama in the nyc fet world and its the first time I’ve had to figure out what to do politically for my little group.

We had plans to go to a party next week. 12 people said absoluty yes. I was pretty excited about it. Now, I’m about 90% sure im canceling it. The host has been brought up on some really serious consent violations and since half of my group are newbies, I do not want them exposed to that. The guy is a real pompus ass and I always got a shit vibe from him, but he is a good performer. 

Yesterday I had to tell the female half, since he is always at her parties, she had the right to know and decide if she is going to follow through and ban him as well. 

I explained that I was telling her because as a promoter she had the right to know. As someone with many lifestyle friends, I have a responsibility to keep them safe. I am not one to spread gossip, so with the exception of her I gave no one details, just said there are accusations and its best for us to not get in the middle of things.

There have even been threats of people showing up to confront him at the party and I don’t need that kind of drama.

The main reason I really don’t need that drama is simple, as the clock strikes midnight and friday changes to saturday…. I’ll be dealing with something I really don’t want to face. My 10 year anniversary.

I’m not upset that we didn’t make it work, im upset that I wasted so much fucking time. A decade….just gone. It’s like mourning a person. Not mourning him, but me….before him, sure I had some issues but… Fuck I really don’t want to go there right now.

He’s a real drama queen so part of me is expecting to get the divorce papers that day…..if he does that, it’s not going to be nice and his father better get out his check book.

As time passes, im no longer in denial. I’m coming to terms with the fact that he’s a father again. Oh, yeah, btw, that’s totally his kid. Whatever….may they have a long lovely life together.

Time to work…. Time to forget again


i decided looking at the list, I don’t feel like writing about any of that.

Just not in the mood.

I feel very jumpy today, like something is going to happen. That really weird dreadful feeling.

Not sure what it’s all about.

Aside from that I have nothing to give, nothing to write about. The Blah is here and I don’t have the energy to fight it.