Sir and I have had many off line discussions about this last party.
I learned so much about myself that I feel the need to document it as a reference point, just in case I ever end up in a similar situation.
Last year my brief time with “her” had put a stop to many things. I no longer wanted to put myself out there to …… feel for others aside from Sir. I also did not want to let the real Domme side out at all.
So here and there I would flog a girl or something like that, but that’s just not how I Domme. I need the sensual connection. I top through passion and caring, not pain. That’s the big lesson I learned. My scene with my “vanilla” friend I as a top, with no actual sex got everything I needed. N even mentioned one of the reasons we could never play was she saw the passion and fire in that scene and knew she would get hooked and our friendship would be forever changed. I also need the aftercare. Yes, Sir, early on I was very …..no, more like I had no clue what aftercare did for a Dom. I needed that conversation after, to make sure that I stepped over no lines and that she was happy. I also needed the talk the following day to make sure she was still ok. I needed to be responsible for her, even if it was just for a short bit.
Those were the things missing from the Fetgirl scene. the things that left me empty. I did not top her because I was caring for her, It was because I was angry and I guess in some ways hurt.
It also makes me think of my favorite Dom/Dommes. They are the ones that take a similar approach.I remember the first time FGD saw me in a dropped state after Sir left. It was funny because he was pretty drunk and he grabbed me in a bear hug and started petting my head as I cried and giggled. He had nothing to do with my state of mind, but as a D type could not stand to see me cry.
This also brings me to an internal debate I’ve been having. What to do about L and M.
He has these ideas for scene that are really sexual, but her hard limits I believe will prevent me from being able to process the “after” of it all.It’s funny because she really only has two, one I can get past, she is a pillow princess and will not go down on a woman, fine, whatever. Solution, I won’t go down on her, and from my D point of view, that’s ok. The one I have the issue with….no kissing. Funny because I’ve had plenty of scenes as a sub with no kissing and I’m totally ok with that when a man is involved, but without that kissing I find the sensual part is missing. Think of the scenes I was no really into. Domme D…….there was nothing, not an ounce of connection. I felt as though I paid her or something. Then there was last Saturday, her kiss was empty, she wasn’t kissing me, she was doing a performance for her guy. The only scene I’ve had with a eoman where there was no kissing was with the new couple. I’ve been trying to figure out how that was so super sensual without it. It’s the one that really stood out as super sexual, with not an ounce of sex. They are back from vacation and I will most likely be taking the long train trip to see her again this week.
A funny thing that I just recalled about the sub drop talk with SMG and N. I at one point told them, well see, I don’t have “sex” much. They both looked at me like I was nuts. When I think of it, I’ve really only had actual penetrative sex three times this year. They were shocked by that.My retort to them was but I’ve cum more than I ever have in my whole life time put together. I think that gave N the push she needs to keep up with her homework:)