and a shoulder to cry on.
Earlier in the week n told me her kids said I was quiet, she laughed.
When I texted her yesterday I said something that made her realize what the kids saw, but she didn’t im sunday. I told her I feel all alone in the crowd. They saw the sad me. She appoligized because up until that statement she didn’t get why I was so upset.
It made her think…. We both have similar personalities and she had to pucture her life without her kids, her house, even her shitty husband and large family, that’s when it hit her…. Why I worked so hard to put my group of friends together.
So she told me from now on she is my big sister. That I can lean on her when the world crashes down.
We spent time talking about my marriage and how I gave everything with little to no appreciation. We talked about mom and how im still mother to her a these years later. How I know I have things to be proud of, but how I still have that horrible empty place in my heart because I can’t have children.
We spoke of Sir and how good he is with me. How much more peaceful I am when he is around.
I even spoke of my fears of being an old lady all alone. That’s by far one of my biggest fears, what happens when I’m no longer…. Attractive,relevant, when im no longer… Wanted.
These are all of the things that have been circling in my head as saturday grows closer.
The anger comes in for many reasons too. I’m angry at myself for wasting so many key years on him. For depriving myself of living. Also im pissed, pissed he gets the life I wanted. Pissed that he takes care of the new girl, but never took care of me. Insanely pissed that he has a son that loves him that he ignores and a daughter that is his life.
This is the part of my personality I don’t like….envy. I envy him. He’s a shitty person who has been handed a really good life. Even when we were together, I have him everything. Yet he values nothing.
My therapist said after the miscarriage and I broke down, explaining all the stuff wrong with my marriage “what does it feel like to know you married the wrong person?” I never answered that question until now…. It feels like fucking shit. It feels like I deserve a do over. It feels like I’m the biggest asshole that has ever walked the earth.
On a good note I think it helped her. She left not being so sad her two youngest went away for the summer. She was more grateful after our chat.
And it’s not that I’m ungrateful. I know I have good people and even though I have hard times, I’ve made myself a nice life. With Sirs support, I know I’ll get past this. It will be just another experience to grow from and unlike the past im not holding in my feelings, letting them eat at my heart.
Sir puts up with a lot of shit from me and n told me to knock it off. It made me realize it’s been a while since I’ve freaked out on him. I think that’s coming with me accepting myself. I only would try to pull the plug on our realationship when I would get scared, scared of feeling things, both the good and the bad.