Being “adulty” kinda sucks

yesterday was a really hard day.

There were both great and shitty parts.

I walked into work, opened my emails and for the first time ever (possibly in all of corporate America) it was filled with thank you emails. When I get sad and angry I throw myself big time into the analytical side of my personality and get extremely type a.

The problem with that is I had set plans for a play date. Straight from work I was heading to meet up for a drink with him as she had to talk to an ex sub of hers.

I was going through my brain as to how I would handle play and totally shit down the emotions.

Sir called in the afternoon and I had that really fake chipper voice on, the voice that normally proceeds a total break.

After talking and writing a pro list it hit me the only reason I was going was because I didn’t want her to think I was a flake. She is the first person outside of sir and even including Sir that I have no guilt over liking. I also have no guilt over playing. 

I’m in no way saying the “good girl guilt” is gone, I just can’t find a reason to have any. 

So in an effort to not give the wrong impression I almost did something that probably would have resulted in ….. Ugh, I don’t even want to think of the fall out.

If I took a dom role, I would have been too sadistic. As a sub, I would have begged to be taken into a very unsafe zone. Sir brought up a good point that if they caught onto my instability they would not have played and then I would have had to deal with the possibility of rejection. Secret…. I really don’t deal with rejection well. 

Then there is the issue of the hour on the subway alone after. I’ve cried in subways before, it’s not fun.

So as an adult I sent them each a message appoligizing for canceling, expressing how much I was looking forwRd to seeing them and saying that something is going on that I’ll talk to them friday about.

The messages I got back really couldn’t have been any better. He expressed that they were there for me if I need anything and she said it was not a problem and suggested we grab a drink before the party. 

I think she was a little relieved. Turns out the meeting with her ex did not go well, so I doubt she was in a good headspace.

Instead I went to crazy lady. At Dir suggestion I told her I was not in a good place and asked her to keep an eye on me so I don’t push too hard. I cut my running from an hour to 30 minutes. 

In the mindframe I was in ….. I’m searching for the endorphins to kick in and that’s when I’m most prone to injure myself. So as I had asked in the past Sir stepped in to help.

My practice was amazing and as I left crazy lady sad how much stronger I was getting and grabbed me into a big hug and told me she loved me. It was unexpected but hey she is my exercise Domme. 

When I got home I was better and Sir was taking a quick rest before going out. He’s sounding better, but his energy isn’t back yet, plus he’s a sleep whore.

I was busy and accidentally (with a decent reason) called to wake him 6 minutes late. So 6 minutes of clover, 6 of hitachi, some self flogging and 6 o’s to make me feel better.

It wasn’t so much playing that was a bad idea, it’s that we don’t know each other well enough to play when emotions are that high.

Sir knows I needed the tears to come. I needed to get my head out of that really shut down space it was in. After I came back, I was calmer. I could feel again. It was as if the wall of ice melted around my heart.

I checked in to see his her meeting went. I danced in my kitchen waiting for n to come by.

N and I had a good night, I made her dinner and have her even more clothes. The message I sent about being alone in a crowd has really stuck with her. She is seeing how in many ways that is true of both of us.

For as much work as Sir and I have put in, I still have that mentality. I’m not sure if that will ir should ever change.

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