Blah

i woke up today pretty pain free, until the Meds wore off.

It’s a day of mostly waiting at work. I can’t sit or stand long and nothing at this point will make me ok.

I have dinner plans that im a little excited for. It’s a shame because I think the pain is dulling all of my emotions.

I know come tomorrow it will have pasted so like work, I wait. 

I decided Saturday in the day will belong to me. I need to decompress and not speak. My soul is running on zero and I have to recharge. My plan is to go back to the beach and even out my bad tan lines, walk over to the mermaid parade and basically not speak. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to take time out.

I’m getting better at being around people, but that doesn’t negate my need for solidtude.

Growing

Sir mentioned last night that the last few weeks I’ve been doing things for others and coming out of my shell even more.

I realized yesterday that I’ve also been doing things for myself and not realizing what very big steps they were.

It was a very simple thing that didn’t seem like much. I love a good sale and found one. I was ordering bras for work, nothing fancy…. And I saw a peice of lingerie that I have been eyeing for a year.

When my marriage ended, I threw out every pretty peice I had…actually I burned them in a barrel at C’s house….. Hundreds of dollars of lace and silk, gone. I promised never again. Since then I’ve brought fetish wear and an occasion nice slip, but nothing else.

So not recalling that I ordered it, thinking it won’t fit, I’ll look stupid….and so forth.

It came last night and regardless of the sunburn on my tummy I tried it on and cried. It fit…..a little way im healing more and more each day.

A goodish weekend 

In my need to keep a clean white ass I had made a set of plans to keep the inner bitch at bay.

Movie night, brunch, beach and finishing off with a munch. A good balance of my vanilla and kinky friends. I even got in a few hours with family.

I feel the inner bitch rising today…. Just one more day then the pain of the injection will stop it. Don’t get me wrong it’s not good pain, but it’s really bad pain. Either way it is a distraction.

Sir is still very sick and as I went along with my weekend plans I felt horrible he was unwell.

I learned never go to the beach if the wind is over 15 miles and hour. I have horrible tan lines from where the sand glued itself to me… My stomach burned as it has been a while since its been exposed to any sunlight.

The munch was interesting.

The new girl, let’s call her bible verse met us at the corner. I thought about sir saying how hard it can be walking in alone. She was cute, brought cookies for everyone. She grew up in Canada. 

There was no great attraction there, but she’s interesting and local. SMG had her playpartner meet us there. He’s a jerk.

L and m brought a friend from paddles. Then there was a really quite CHINESE guy, another guy that had gone to a few, that has fucking machines rotting in storage.

There were many laughs and the organizer left half way through the night leaving me in charge. He’s trying to see if a local rigger will take it over. I really hope he says no. The crowd will change and it will no longer be a friendly environment. 

His plan b is to shorten it and then we will rotate hosting every other month. I’m trying to sway him that way. I can’t take it over, he’s asked before, but I can commit to 3 hours every couple of month.

The CHINESE guy was quite and we had a chat at the end of the night. L had mentioned the hip injections and he asked what it was. I explained the cartridge from years of dance had all but gone and I get terrible joint pains. He asked how I still do all that I do and I told him, because I’m a masochist it guess.

So I woke up this morning to a friend request from him, referring to me as a graceful madochist, then I took a moment to read his profile, I was almost in tears. I had never read a more interesting and honest profile. 

Now, back to reality. Work and meetings and one last yoga class before (im hopeing) my last hip injection tomorrow. Just like last time, no yoga for a week, but I know I can stay on track with diet and a little cardio.

Missing Sir… Needing a hug.

Sane Control

It’s not often that Sir asks me to blog about things, but in yesterday’s blog I had mentioned my state of mind when we had first met and he asked me to write a bit more on that.

“I know you had said you gym – worked – didn’t eat – drank – cried/angry very often”

It wasn’t like that at the beginning of the relationship. I’m going to try to get the timeframe right, so you can better understand how it devolved.

I want to say it all started with hurricane Sandy. I was going through in-vetro during the storm (October), my ex-husband and I were selling the house, change was happening at a rapid pace. He had chosen to stay at work and left me alone, no heat, cold and super emotional. I look back and that was right around the time he had met the woman he is with now. Side note- he took the money he was supposed to pay off all the bills with and brought her an engagement ring, so I’m guessing the papers will be coming soon.

So fast forward April, I had miscarried and tried to kill myself. I was the worst I had ever been. It’s a sorrow that no words could ever explain. It took me months to get back to a semi normal state of mind. By the end of that year I said enough. With the help of my old co-worker and current work husband I got into a routine at the gym and started to get just a little it of self esteem back. The ex-husband was working nights (something he promised he would never do again) and I really didn’t care, so he had no idea that I would wake at 5 am and head into work. I dropped 20 pounds before he even noticed that I was changing my behaviors.

I was at work one day and got it into my head that he was fucking around with a male friend of his (I still believe this to be true). So I started to clean out the email account I use today with my maiden name. A very passive aggressive way of claiming my old self. That’s when I found the years old email from what was to become my ex dom. I responded not even too sure who it was from. I had it narrowed down to 2 people. When I woke up the next morning there was an email back. We corresponded for a week or so in a very friendly way, nothing sexual or crazy as we had been the best of friends for many years in our youth.

As this was transpiring, I was getting healthy. Really coming into my own physically and mentally. Doing what I am doing now. Excelling at work. In hind-site I was also planning for a future that in no way included the ex-husband. This is where the timeline gets messed up. Our relationship started taking a turn when I went out around Easter, or right before. I got drunk and things took a turn.

He was and still is married. I was still living with my ex. Inside of a months time my ex went on the trip with his friend and shortly after I went to happy hour and confessed to work husband that I thought he was fucking around with a man. I came home that night and after getting into a fight over the fact that I came in at 10pm, I told him to leave, I’m done. I can’t do this anymore, that was in may and by June he was out.

At this time the ex dom and I were communicating all day, every day and he had given me the boost I needed to get through doing what I should have done almost 2 years prior. I was happy and healthy even though I was carrying the guilt of him still being married. He was firm, he would never leave her because of their child. I never once asked him to. Some time that summer things changed between us. I believe his wife started to notice something off with him and he dissapeared for days, then weeks and as he did this, I started to decline.

The days I wouldn’t hear from him I would set myself to auto, I would go to the gym 3-4 hours. I would forget to eat. I was searching for pain. It started as once a week and as the summer went on, I would go up to three days a week with no food. All of the strength I had built was gone. I was a hunted shell of a human being. I would get home and look for his messages and when I saw none I would start drinking. I would sit on the kitchen floor, the cold being the only relief I could get from the pain I was causing myself. I am really good at self punishment.

In August he stopped writing for 2 weeks. I had gone from a very tone 135 to a scary 110. All bones and even passed out once at the gym. This is also when my knee started to dislocated again. In September he popped back up again. I started my new job and was a functioning alcoholic. So from June to September I had changed from a very strong person into a ghost of who I was. That was when we had our last scene. I was drunk when he showed up and I think at that point I was willing to do anything to get him to stay and not ignore me again. So in many ways, I was to blame for how badly things went that night. Drunks can’t consent and that’s what I was.

The very next day I looked in the mirror and Sir if you could have seen what I looked like, bruised from head to toe, a skeleton, so very fucking sad, I said I can’t do this.

On video chat I lied and said I was fine. Anyone with eyes could see that was a lie. The period right after was fuzzy at best. I had stopped working out except for my 2 yoga classes (that I still attend). I had no strength to do much more than that. I was just getting by at work and every day was a struggle. I needed sane control again to snap me out of it. The weight came back on as Female A would not put up with my starving myself any longer. Yet I was still drinking and crying every night. I chalked the whole D/s thing up to kinky play and tried to return to a vanilla dating world. The rules were so different. There I took a more agressive approach and went on a few dates, but it was empty.

That’s when I came across wordpress. It was through another bloggers site and I started writing. I also found that there were many other functioning submissives in healthy relationships and it gave me hope. It showed me I was not alone in liking the things I did. I had messaged with 2 other “Doms” prior to you. They were fakes to say the least and I had started to give up hope. I think I was just looking for someone to care about me, the way I did for others. That’s what sane control means to me, you care enough to put in the effort to make me a better me. Not to change who I am, but to let me really be who I am.

With-in a couple of months of us being together the late night crying had stopped. Yes, sadly it did take that long. I was not crying for him, I was crying for me. As I had taken to the idea of sane control I was also very much fighting it at the same time. I was thinking of myself as weak for needing it. Something I know I am not. As much as I wanted to trust you, I had too many walls up. I had been hurt emotionally by the last 2 men and I had no idea how to trust anyone, including me.

During the time I was losing it, I had caused a great deal of very long lasting physical harm. I think it is the reason I have so many issues now. There are still times I wish II could take it all back and never have replied to his email. Life would have been much more simple, but I know I would not have been happy. I would be living a lie and I’m many things, but not a person that lies. I would not have found you.

I have no idea if this explains what you asked……but I think it gives you a little more of an honest insight as to who I was when you had met me. I was hurt and only a couple of months out of the most painful relationship (and I’ve had many painful relationships) I had ever had. I’d like to think under your control I’ve grown enough as a person to never let that happen again. Not saying I could picture a life without you, but that I know that a healthy D/s relationship is not only possible but that it can be beneficial in all aspects of life.

Goal 2

I mentioned yesterday that since goal one is almost complete, it is time for a new one.

Goals that can be measured by a scale are easy. I’m not at all saying that loosing weight is easy, but actually being able to see the achievement is. You get on the scale and either it moves in the right direction or not. It’s tangible.

So goal 2 is one that in the back of my mind I guess I’ve been setting up this past month. It is a goal that my hips must be healed and my body must function at a higher level than it has in a decade.

This is a goal I had set a couple of months prior to meeting Sir and due to emotional and financial hardships (not to mention the need for surgery) got pushed aside and long forgotten.

So let’s go back to the very first days of my blog…..it was started to cope with the first time loss of a Dom. Good or not, a sub without a Dom can be a disaster. I was a walking time bomb and I had no idea. My ex had been out of the lifestyle for so long that when I released him, he was glad and really gave no thought as too my reaction to cutting the ties would impact my life. All I did was work, gym, drink, pass out, with intermittent crying fits and anger…..oh fuck did I have anger. I did yoga sometimes to the tune of 3 classes a day, trying so hard to calm my crazy mind.

One of my coworkers at the time was an ex MMA fighter. He was physically amazing and very philosophical in his approach to life. He was also bipolar and would sometimes have emotional breakdowns at work. This was typical…. when he was good, he was very, very good and when e was bad he was horrid. When my breakup occurred, I had no choice but to carry on.

But….it really started before that. My ex Dom about a month before had started to ghost on me. I would wake up and nothing……no email, no contact. I would send him messages and get nothing in return for days. He once did this for 2 weeks and the emotional impact was enough that I couldn’t function. My work friend saw this. As all of this was happening I was also in the process of getting the job I currently have so life as I knew it was changing in all ways.

When things were going well, I was healthy. I was strong, tracked my food and ate a diet that would allow my to log the crazy amount of gym time I was doing. The second that he started to ghost…..all of that stopped. I stopped eating, I started going to the gym seeking pain and not release. I was punishing myself, thinking I must have done something to cause him to not want me. My head was a really fucked up place to be.

That was the first time I was told I need a tangible goal. My coworker asked me to think of something….maybe school, a certification, something I could see and touch with my hands that I had done just for me. Something that would boost my confidence back to the place it was just weeks before. I need an accomplishment. I don’t think he realized (nor did I) that he was domming me. I let his words sink in for a day or two and after an amazing lunchtime class, went to my desk and told him, I got it, I want to teach yoga. It made perfect sense, I had actually gone to college with the goal of being a teacher and it was the only time I felt ….. well, anything.

In the following couple of weeks, I said goodbye to my coworker and my job, moving on and away from the place I had met my first goal of weight loss. My second goal……pushed to the side in order to acclimate to new surroundings and people.

My health taking a turn for the worse, my gym time cut from 16 hours a weeks down to about 4. Meeting Sir helped in ways I may never be able to express, but the goals had stopped for a bit.

So now I’m back in a similar spot. The difference…..I’m mentally healthy and ready to tackle a new goal.

After much thought the goal of getting certified to teach is really goal 3, not 2.

Goal 2 is much harder and will really test my ability to control myself. Of course Sir is on board to help and will support me in not overdoing things. My second goal is to very sanely loose another 10 to 15 pounds, but……build up my lean muscle mass. See the thing is I am a firm believer in the fact that the teacher should be able to do what they teach at a level that inspires. I’ve been to classes that I and other students have out performed the teacher. Oh and yes I know that whole it’s a practice and not a competition theory, but lets face the truth, I live in NYC where there are a hundred amazing studios and so much talent that I can’t stand the thought of not being among the best of them.

I’m going to be doing this working with all of the dancing injuries and age is not on my side, but every Wednesday I go to my favorite class and am inspired to do better. I see with my eyes age and injuries can be overcome with work and dedication. I’ve had a dancers body, but a yoga body is different. So my quest….to get strong and balanced. It is something I can only measure in how my body feels, not what the scale says.

Once I feel that I am where I need to be….on to goal 3. I’ve picked out the school and even (without realizing it) set up to go for a class there after the holiday in July. I was thinking of making it even more of a challenge and……since I’m going to give it my all and if I’m any good at it, why not learn aerial yoga. It takes the pressure off the injuries I have, it makes perfect sense to teach that rather than vinyasa. Flexibility has never been an issue, but balance in all things always is.

Almost there 

2 1/2 pounds to go!!!

Truth, that’s just the first goal, to get me back to the way I looked when Sir and I first spoke.

After this goal a new one…. This not as much about those numbers on the scale, but the general form of my body……honestly this is a harder one than the weight.

Sir is still sick and I miss him. He sounds just horrible and I wish he would feel better soon.

Off to a meeting…….

inspiration

it’s not often that I stop and think I really admire a person. Little did I think I would ever say that about a teenage girl!!

Yesterday I had the unique pleasure of meeting a friends little sister.

It was her prom day and we had set aside time to do her hair makeup and have a chat.

She came out to her parents and it was hard on her. In speaking with her sister, my thought was talking in an open fashion with me may give her a boost. Not that I’m totally all together, but on paper….I am a functioning adult and we have many similarities.

By the end of her chat…. I basically adopted her and set a time to dye her hair in the colors of the bisexual flag, so she can march in the pride parade:)

She is my little inspiration to try to be true to who I am.

Searching for the Pain

Yesterday was just all around frustrating.

Work went well enough, long yet productive.

With me on an impact play sabbatical of sorts, I seek out the pain elsewhere. No, not nipple clamps, but the gym. So I thought good I’ll run for an hour then do a really hard yoga class. The universe had other plans for me.

I get there and all of the elliptical machines are taken. I can’t run on a treadmill or outside due to the knees and hips isuues, not to mention the feet and toes that have been broken way too many times to count. I go to the bikes, but a damn class has taken them all….so now I’m in staler mode, finally a girl gets off and I slide onto her machine. fifteen minutes wasted. I warm up and Boom FGD texts….he saw her change of relationship status is fucking loosing it. I debate, get off the machine or multi task. I keep thinking right now I should be bent over with a damn hitachi on my clit and a Domme beating my ass, but no….not my fate. Why, oh why did she have to break his heart like that. I saw it yesterday and just couldn’t tell him. Then what he hasn’t found out is she added 3 more….fuck….fuck, that was my initial response to him. So my workout was by no means full throttle as I was calming him down.

He had a date with a FWB planned and was calming down…the timing was good because yoga was about to begin. I go to the class and see the one and only teacher that I hate, I mean really hate. Her class is boring and I know there’s no pain to be had….Hatha yoga. Hatha is only for Monday and only tolerable with Hippy Guy. Sadly I stayed….thinking well maybe she knows it’s a vinyasa flow and maybe she will adapt. No such luck!!!!!

Same old boring class and her voice makes me angry then it hits me, she looks and sounds like an old dance instructor I had….even down to the music, not yoga music, ballet music. Instant trigger, that’s why I hate the class so much. I made it breezing to the end and left with a bit of a huff and shitty attitude.

I returned home and Sir being ill was sleeping, so I sent some texts, reaching out to beautiful O and a few others. I answered some messages and now I’m turning  in early. Up to do many many things before a special day I have planned.I think tomorrow I may find the release I am seeking, or at least I hope so.

 

Sub training by a slave??

So n wanted to learn how to have multiple o’s. Sir and her had discussed it and he told her all about denial and edging.

Since she has a new hitachi, the homework began. 2 edges, next night 4, up to 6, then only adding 2.

She has other thing impacting her life, so too much denial is not always a good thing.

A few days ago Sir got sick, like mega sick and I mentioned that with her mood and other stuff that she needed just one o. 

He agreed and put me in charge of her training! 

So tonight 10 edges and as many o’s as she can do in a minute. All a reward for listening and only having one, even though she wanted many more. I told her that she can only do this if she counts.

She acknowledged it was all mental and like me being type a, she couldn’t fail. It was weird telling her good girl, but really what’s the point of winning, if not one compliments you on it.

Tonight’s play date is post poned:(

Sir and I discussed it and he felt that with me needing to be bruise free it would be a good idea to either meet closer for drinks or post pone the date. I had similar thoughts, but I like her so much I didn’t want to seem like I was putting her off. Then there was the delusional side of me, that thought, well I don’t have to play to the point of leaving marks. Sadly that girl is long gone and my perpetually bruised ass has replaced her.

As luck would have it, she needed to postpone for a very valid reason and that was before I mentioned my limitations:)

So tonight I go home and gym, also check a few more things off my to do list and remain with no marks.

Don’t use me

i don’t mean in the fill my holes kind of way…..

I get a message today wanting to know if I know any females subs that will do house cleaning and organizing (Clarification-the cleaning is for her and her husband, not part of a scene or play) in return for being topped at their (the subs)house.

I almost responded, are you asking me to clean your house?

I took a breath and replied that I enjoy cleaning and organizing with ocd tendencies, I don’t do that for others, but I’ll keep an eye out. Then suggested that I know of many male subs that are into nsa housework as a kink, but not many females.

For some reason this entire conversation has really rubbed me the wrong way.

Here’s the thing. I need a connection. I don’t need another service top. I’m sick of this mindframe of what I can do for you, hello im a person here……

So I asked why not a male, her spouse is not ok with it. I also inquired if she spoke with him regarding her limitations with females, Nope.

Am I being to sensitive?

It’s not like if we were to connect I wouldn’t think of doing that eventually, but I don’t need a service agreement, I need emotions.

I seem to be running into more and more people that lack depth.