It’s not often that Sir asks me to blog about things, but in yesterday’s blog I had mentioned my state of mind when we had first met and he asked me to write a bit more on that.
“I know you had said you gym – worked – didn’t eat – drank – cried/angry very often”
It wasn’t like that at the beginning of the relationship. I’m going to try to get the timeframe right, so you can better understand how it devolved.
I want to say it all started with hurricane Sandy. I was going through in-vetro during the storm (October), my ex-husband and I were selling the house, change was happening at a rapid pace. He had chosen to stay at work and left me alone, no heat, cold and super emotional. I look back and that was right around the time he had met the woman he is with now. Side note- he took the money he was supposed to pay off all the bills with and brought her an engagement ring, so I’m guessing the papers will be coming soon.
So fast forward April, I had miscarried and tried to kill myself. I was the worst I had ever been. It’s a sorrow that no words could ever explain. It took me months to get back to a semi normal state of mind. By the end of that year I said enough. With the help of my old co-worker and current work husband I got into a routine at the gym and started to get just a little it of self esteem back. The ex-husband was working nights (something he promised he would never do again) and I really didn’t care, so he had no idea that I would wake at 5 am and head into work. I dropped 20 pounds before he even noticed that I was changing my behaviors.
I was at work one day and got it into my head that he was fucking around with a male friend of his (I still believe this to be true). So I started to clean out the email account I use today with my maiden name. A very passive aggressive way of claiming my old self. That’s when I found the years old email from what was to become my ex dom. I responded not even too sure who it was from. I had it narrowed down to 2 people. When I woke up the next morning there was an email back. We corresponded for a week or so in a very friendly way, nothing sexual or crazy as we had been the best of friends for many years in our youth.
As this was transpiring, I was getting healthy. Really coming into my own physically and mentally. Doing what I am doing now. Excelling at work. In hind-site I was also planning for a future that in no way included the ex-husband. This is where the timeline gets messed up. Our relationship started taking a turn when I went out around Easter, or right before. I got drunk and things took a turn.
He was and still is married. I was still living with my ex. Inside of a months time my ex went on the trip with his friend and shortly after I went to happy hour and confessed to work husband that I thought he was fucking around with a man. I came home that night and after getting into a fight over the fact that I came in at 10pm, I told him to leave, I’m done. I can’t do this anymore, that was in may and by June he was out.
At this time the ex dom and I were communicating all day, every day and he had given me the boost I needed to get through doing what I should have done almost 2 years prior. I was happy and healthy even though I was carrying the guilt of him still being married. He was firm, he would never leave her because of their child. I never once asked him to. Some time that summer things changed between us. I believe his wife started to notice something off with him and he dissapeared for days, then weeks and as he did this, I started to decline.
The days I wouldn’t hear from him I would set myself to auto, I would go to the gym 3-4 hours. I would forget to eat. I was searching for pain. It started as once a week and as the summer went on, I would go up to three days a week with no food. All of the strength I had built was gone. I was a hunted shell of a human being. I would get home and look for his messages and when I saw none I would start drinking. I would sit on the kitchen floor, the cold being the only relief I could get from the pain I was causing myself. I am really good at self punishment.
In August he stopped writing for 2 weeks. I had gone from a very tone 135 to a scary 110. All bones and even passed out once at the gym. This is also when my knee started to dislocated again. In September he popped back up again. I started my new job and was a functioning alcoholic. So from June to September I had changed from a very strong person into a ghost of who I was. That was when we had our last scene. I was drunk when he showed up and I think at that point I was willing to do anything to get him to stay and not ignore me again. So in many ways, I was to blame for how badly things went that night. Drunks can’t consent and that’s what I was.
The very next day I looked in the mirror and Sir if you could have seen what I looked like, bruised from head to toe, a skeleton, so very fucking sad, I said I can’t do this.
On video chat I lied and said I was fine. Anyone with eyes could see that was a lie. The period right after was fuzzy at best. I had stopped working out except for my 2 yoga classes (that I still attend). I had no strength to do much more than that. I was just getting by at work and every day was a struggle. I needed sane control again to snap me out of it. The weight came back on as Female A would not put up with my starving myself any longer. Yet I was still drinking and crying every night. I chalked the whole D/s thing up to kinky play and tried to return to a vanilla dating world. The rules were so different. There I took a more agressive approach and went on a few dates, but it was empty.
That’s when I came across wordpress. It was through another bloggers site and I started writing. I also found that there were many other functioning submissives in healthy relationships and it gave me hope. It showed me I was not alone in liking the things I did. I had messaged with 2 other “Doms” prior to you. They were fakes to say the least and I had started to give up hope. I think I was just looking for someone to care about me, the way I did for others. That’s what sane control means to me, you care enough to put in the effort to make me a better me. Not to change who I am, but to let me really be who I am.
With-in a couple of months of us being together the late night crying had stopped. Yes, sadly it did take that long. I was not crying for him, I was crying for me. As I had taken to the idea of sane control I was also very much fighting it at the same time. I was thinking of myself as weak for needing it. Something I know I am not. As much as I wanted to trust you, I had too many walls up. I had been hurt emotionally by the last 2 men and I had no idea how to trust anyone, including me.
During the time I was losing it, I had caused a great deal of very long lasting physical harm. I think it is the reason I have so many issues now. There are still times I wish II could take it all back and never have replied to his email. Life would have been much more simple, but I know I would not have been happy. I would be living a lie and I’m many things, but not a person that lies. I would not have found you.
I have no idea if this explains what you asked……but I think it gives you a little more of an honest insight as to who I was when you had met me. I was hurt and only a couple of months out of the most painful relationship (and I’ve had many painful relationships) I had ever had. I’d like to think under your control I’ve grown enough as a person to never let that happen again. Not saying I could picture a life without you, but that I know that a healthy D/s relationship is not only possible but that it can be beneficial in all aspects of life.