Hi monday

you came way too fast. 

Last night I had a final tally of energy and looking at the 9.5 miles I had walked…..pushed past the tired and jogged in place until the pedometer showed 10. 

In a prior conversation Sir said it was the second time I’ve gotten close and I should see if I can get there as it would give me a great sense of accomplishment.

I sent him a pic…. The mileage at 10.1, with a note that… I do as im told. I really didn’t think anything of the statement, it was more of a thank you to him.

This morning I awake to a few very sweet emails. One of them complimenting me for doing as im told. I try ….. Most times I suceed. It’s funny because I don’t always do it just for him. I’ve learned the majority of his commands not only benefit me as a person, but more so benefit us together. Through each one I learn to trust just a little more.

I. Our very first messages I was up front about my baggage and how wrong things went with my ex Dom and husband. I was hopeful, sad, yet hopeful.

It seems like a lifetime ago.

Side note: even with all the walking I came in second place, it was a much more needed victory for her.

The French Shadow

Today was a good day full of way too much walking and an equal amount of laughter.

I had just finished getting ready and I looked at my phone to see it was 2:59. Not a second later my shadow said he was at the corner. Now Sir, as if you could find him even more indearing, I look and he is getting off a bike! My first thought is to have him give me a quick lesson, until I get closer and see that he has a very expensive complicated bike and he rode many miles to meet me. I will add him to the list of possible teachers, but not on that bike. We changed it up and went for a stroll.

The one thing I really like about my neighborhood is that they will close down the avenues and have street fares, but not the city type. It’s the local businesses and restaurants that will flow into the street.

We walked and had some idle chit chat….about the party and different people that live in the neighborhood is has heard of and met. Turns out he lives right on the same block as Bow tie man and BB.

At the end of the fare we went a couple of blocks over to a bar. We were walking and he had asked if we could stop as he had done a 5k recently and his feet hurt. I asked what he would like and he said, no the least I owe you is a drink for the set up.

Sir had found him the most perfect girl, or at least in a profile kind of way. They messaged and were both in the city near each other. He said they met for a drink and she was cute and little…now from this point insert the most adorable french accent to all quotes. “she bated her little 18 year old eyes at me and I melted”. The girl had mentioned that she wanted to go to a swingers club. He has no interest in that, but he felt they had a connection and she had mentioned that she was going to go alone. “I am a nice guy, not everyone is” so he decided to try yet another new thing. This is a place Sir and I have been and it has way too many aggressive men. “the people are not friendly, not like the parties you go to” “no one talking, just trying to get their cocks into something” That’s pretty dead on. So she wants to be an exhibitionist. They start kissing on a bed and an uninvited man starts to rub her leg, He says to stop as she is freaking out. So they left.

Outside she asks him if they can go back to her place. “She left a very happy girl” I knew he wouldn’t give details. That’s just not him, or at least not him to another woman. He than stated “a month ago I would have thought, yes 18, I can do 18, but now I know, she is just starting in life, no experience, not what I want. So from now on 20, that’s the youngest, maybe 22, at least they have those college years behind them” I asked what’s his oldest and he said, there is none.

He has and will keep in contact with her, in part because he fears for her safety. She is young and taking many risks, all of this and she only lost her virginity a year ago.

On the way back we talked about rope and he couldn’t understand what the party riggers get out of it. He wants to learn rope because he like bondage and it’s very interesting and pretty, but he can’t fathom not having sex with the girl once she is tied. I told him he needs to watch a scene with people that have been together a long time and he will see how the connection is different, plus in private play they most often do have sex, just not at the club.

I told him one of the reasons I’ve been working out so much is that I would like to do suspension and I would like to hit my goal by August. He laughed that I have timelines on the kinky things I would like. Then something came up about my bucket list, so I told him the story of O. He got a really good chuckle at that one.

We also spoke of the difference between D/s and M/s. I tried as best as I could to explain Sir and I’s dynamic and that its much different from TPE. Then I had to explain what that is and the easiest thing to tell him is I don’t have to ask permission to pee…..stating the truth that I’d often pee myself as I go way to much to get permission.

He said he really wasn’t sure what to expect when he met Sir but he was impressed at how laid back he was. “You were bouncing around saying Hi to this one and that one and he was just watching and smiling” I told him, Sir is happy I have so many friends and I know it adds to his knowledge that when I go out without him I’m safe. He was amazed at Sir’s control, but…..and I really don’t know how he phrased it but, he was dominate without being overbearing.

He invited me to a concert, but by this time, I needed both food and to sit and the rain was coming. So next time, my shadow.

When I got in I had realized I left a plant I purchased at the bar, So another 12 blocks there and back to retrieve it…….Almost 10 miles. I’m tired, but happy.

Poor Sir is sick, so I’m trying not to bother him. I told him what meds to take, playing his doctor and I wish I was there to make him tea. Sending you a big hug and a bowl of pastina.

Learn from your mistakes

Sir and I have had many off line discussions about this last party.

I learned so much about myself that I feel the need to document it as a reference point, just in case I ever end up in a similar situation.

Last year my brief time with “her” had put a stop to many things. I no longer wanted to put myself out there to …… feel for others aside from Sir. I also did not want to let the real Domme side out at all.

So here and there I would flog a girl or something like that, but that’s just not how I Domme. I need the sensual connection. I top through passion and caring, not pain. That’s the big lesson I learned. My scene with my “vanilla” friend I as a top, with no actual sex got everything I needed. N even mentioned one of the reasons we could never play was she saw the passion and fire in that scene and knew she would get hooked and our friendship would be forever changed. I also need the aftercare. Yes, Sir, early on I was very …..no, more like I had no clue what aftercare did for a Dom. I needed that conversation after, to make sure that I stepped over no lines and that she was happy. I also needed the talk the following day to make sure she was still ok. I needed to be responsible for her, even if it was just for a short bit.

Those were the things missing from the Fetgirl scene. the things that left me empty. I did not top her because I was caring for her, It was because I was angry and I guess in some ways hurt.

It also makes me think of my favorite Dom/Dommes. They are the ones that take a similar approach.I remember the first time FGD saw me in a dropped state after Sir left. It was funny because he was pretty drunk and he grabbed me in a bear hug and started petting my head as I cried and giggled. He had nothing to do with my state of mind, but as a D type could not stand to see me cry.

This also brings me to an internal debate I’ve been having. What to do about L and M.

He has these ideas for scene that are really sexual, but her hard limits I believe will prevent me from being able to process the “after” of it all.It’s funny because she really only has two, one I can get past, she is a pillow princess and will not go down on a woman, fine, whatever. Solution, I won’t go down on her, and from my D point of view, that’s ok. The one I have the issue with….no kissing. Funny because I’ve had plenty of scenes as a sub with no kissing and I’m totally ok with that when a man is involved, but without that kissing I find the sensual part is missing. Think of the scenes I was no really into. Domme D…….there was nothing, not an ounce of connection. I felt as though I paid her or something. Then there was last Saturday, her kiss was empty, she wasn’t kissing me, she was doing a performance for her guy. The only scene I’ve had with a eoman where there was no kissing was with the new couple. I’ve been trying to figure out how that was so super sensual without it. It’s the one that really stood out as super sexual, with not an ounce of sex. They are back from vacation and I will most likely be taking the long train trip to see her again this week.

A funny thing that I just recalled about the sub drop talk with SMG and N. I at one point told them, well see, I don’t have “sex” much. They both looked at me like I was nuts. When I think of it, I’ve really only had actual penetrative sex three times this year. They were shocked by that.My retort to them was but I’ve cum more than I ever have in my whole life time put together. I think that gave N the push she needs to keep up with her homework:)

Hard day

Last night out with N and SMG was a nice change of pace. We caught SMG up on all of the goings on at the anniversary party and other things she missed. It was a kinky coffee clutch and we ended up going home at 2am. N admitted to the fact that she’s very attached to Cali guy. She also had a long conversation with him and it turns out he did have a past relationship that was Dom/Domme and they would play with Sub women often. He is scared from something that happened during that period, but he still won’t tell her exactly what happened.

Today I was up just in time to travel to the city for a jump class. I’m really not very goos at it, but I sweat like a beast and it was only a groupon, so I have more class next saturday and then it’s no more.

I made it home just in enough time for a quick call with Sir and then off to help my moter get a bathing suit. As we are there I mention to her that none of my suits fir from last year. I picked up a ralph lauren bikini, just to see if I could pull it off. I took a traditional top and bottom along with the tankini option as I sometime need to go places that require a bit more coverage. I tried it on and was amazed. Side not- it’s loads of fun trying on suits with your mother in the same room while trying to hide your bruised ass. Luckily the bruises are not on the lower cheeks, so I stayed turned to the wall. Funny it took to fourty to feel like I look good in a bathing suit. I either felt to fat or too skinny, but I looked healthy, healthy is a new thing for me.

I went though all my old clothes and I’m back in the smallest I have only 2 things being a little tighter than I’d like. It’s time to relax….maybe a bath and some wine. I could fall asleep typing this.

Everyone Drops

Sir had wanted me to write about the tens unit play that happened at the party Saturday. Document it before it goes fuzzy……but I’m on the edge.

Since he’s been gone, I’ve kept busy. Work is crazy, but good. The days go by so fast and I hate to say it but not having little R there is  going to be extremely good for my career. I’m getting things done and organized better than ever before.

I was going to blog earlier today, but I was having a chat with cane girl. She’s a Domme and I saw her post a question on a fet board asking about top drop. Ugh, been there and oddly I think I kinda was there after Sunday, just not processing it. I had a few issues with Fet Girl and the feelings of being used by her to keep her vanilla man’s dick hard. I also felt that I allowed my anger at her to seep into the spanking scene and I was pretty brutal with the words I used. The rational part of me knows…it’s ok, she gets off on that shit, but I don’t and I would have called red if I was spoken to in that manner.

That bothered me much more than I’ve been letting on and it wasn’t until talking her through her drop that I was able to figure out why I’ve been so preoccupied. I’ve been edgy and really hyper productive. I just figured it was because I Subbed and Dommed in the same night. Processing that is really very hard for me. One day I’ll figure out the why behind that.

I did the best I could for her and even invited her to what I’m calling sub drop support group night out (tomorrow night). I’m pretty good at looking at the calendar and guesstimating when I’ll drop, so today took me a bit by surprise. I’m just crawling in my skin right now and after a long and uncomfortable night with my family (straight from work) I just really needed to go to the gym. That’s not normal, I hate going to the gym late at night. It becomes a meat market and I can’t usually block out that aspect of it. I had so much pent up anger that I went hard and fast for a good 45 minutes on the elliptical. I even had a 20 something ask me how I can do that and not even look winded. I said so what??? Not understanding that I do an interval/balance routine that most younger people can’t do. I told him…do yoga, get centered and let go. I was searching for a runners high. In a way it’s good my knees and hips are already shot because I’d be running marathons every time I’m on the verge of drop.

I just need to make it through work tomorrow. I made a deal with myself. If I get on the scale tomorrow and loose anything, I’ll go for a mani-pedi after work, if not I have to do an hour more of cardio.

I don’t think I can write about the scene except to say It was like nothing I’ve ever felt. I didn’t want it to stop except when I realized that…..that’s when I said enough. It could be very addictive and I have to much of an addictive personality for that. Poor hitachi has now been bumped down to third, no fourth on my list. First is the machine, then the tens, then that damn fire hose (I swear I will get one of those yet) and then my trusty toy.

It was like laying on a beach in perfect weather with a cool breeze…perfect, then having someone but a low pulse vibrator on you that penetrated all the way to every nerve ending. It was the kind of feeling that you could just lay there and enjoy for hours, not cuming but really enjoying.

Time for bed…..I need to wake up and finish all of the stuff I’ve started today.

 

 

Bye for now….

today is the most monday feeling wednesday ever.

Up early to make sure I had time to wake sir for a last goodbye hug.

Today I’ve been too busy, work is either fest or famine.

I wish I could sit and type something longer, but …. No time.

It was a good trip and I think sir was happy to play tourist and get to know my friends a little better.

Tonight yoga, clean and meet up with a prom girl….that’s a story for another time