Just a few of us…..

With all of the crazy drama of this past week, I really needed to have a good and fun night out. So I waited until late in the week to start to put together plans for Friday night, but let N and FGD know before hand.

As will happen by Barre class got canceled last minute from L from work and I ran a few errands and she decided to stick around and meet my vanilla friend and N. It was too funny just how well they all got along. So many many laughs later we were ready to head to the city. Everyone except my french shadow was running late. He was already there with a girl he had been talking to online.

Just the few of us….3 subbie girls, a Frenchman and a Dom. It was nice…low drama. The place was really crowded but by 1am the crowd thinned out. Sir has me restricted so I don’t hurt myself again before his visit, so for the first half of the night I just socialized. It’s one of those places that even in a small group, by this point I still know at least half of the guests.

FGD had a scene with N and you can see the chemistry building between the two of them. You can always tell when people have played in private. Then he had one with my vanilla friend. It was her birthday, so a spanking was mandatory. Her on the hurse and me at her head sitting on the floor. A few kisses, some playing with her hair and then FGD took out the firehouse. He asked me how many wacks she should get. I said lets do one and I’ll tell you from there. It’s an implement that either you love or does not a damn thing for you. And….nothing. I tell him nope, it did nothing, she gave me the look of horror and I laughed. I told her you had no reaction, no moan, that’s not what we are here for. Our scenes are comical, lots of shit talking and such, FGD being the Dom, me being the sadist and her saying lots of No, No, NO….and we all end with laughter.

Total Sidenote-I said fuck little R and wore her dress last night. I didn’t know when I put it on just how different it would look since it’s been a year at least since I’ve worn it. N said when I walked everyone looked….as always the Male and female complimented my choice of outfit. Later in the night a few people stopped me to say it was the best dress  they had seen at a club. Funny because it’s not at all fetish wear, she brought it to wear to a wedding 🙂 damn Russians and there idea of “proper” attire.

Eventually I got coaxed to a spanking, but I mostly just wanted to feel the firehouse. I had to stop the scene 3 times, I never called red, no need, but one it was testing a new toy that I really didn’t like and two other times, because if not I would have cum.

There was a guy there that gave massages and with my current need for physical connection, I decided why not, so shortly after the scene I got on the table and enjoyed a good long massage while listening to the three of then do another scene….it was really funny and I found myself laughing. I hear, fuck, fuck, aw shit I’m not supposed to curse, and then a wack and laughs and the two of them were holding hands as they got spanked.

There were a few first, first time I’ve seen the male dom the female publicly, the first time we left that party and we weren’t being kicked out. I knew that N and FGD had planned to meet up after the party and he turned to me around 2 and said, let’s make our way out. I really felt rather bad for him, the three of us gave him quite the workout last night. I can’t imagine it’s easy being the only Dom aside from the hosts that we will play with. So I had pity on him and said Sure, lets’ go.

It was a great night to drive through the city, top down on the convertible all in a good mood. Still missing Sir and knowing he would have enjoyed a really funny and light night.

Side note, I got both little R and fetgirl to say sorry to me. I lost it on both of them yesterday and explained that they take way to much from me. That I will no longer keep my mouth shut. I had no choice but to pull the Dom card and put them in their places. Let’s se how long this lasts, but for now, I’m not taking anymore of their shit. Oh and L from work, she wants to go to a party after the wedding is over:) I always knew she was the kinker one, not Little R. Funny thing is, she a total Dom, at least when it comes to her husband. He even may come too. So though me Sir’s spiderweb continues to grow. It was nice to hear from her last night, how much she enjoyed meeting the girls and that I was lucky to have such good and fun friends. She said something that will stick with me. That she was impressed with the honesty and lack of bs in our little group. She just doesn’t know the amount of work that takes to keep it that way.

 

The long road

yesterday was quite the fucked up day in this slaves world.

I could write an entire novel on the amount of crap that happened, but I really don’t want to put that much effort in.

Highlights of shittery 

Fet girls outburst

Little R and her bad decisions

My issues with being so alone, yet together

All this in a manner of ten minutes set me into a complete meltdown. That concept of “more” coming to a head. The fact that I  just not at all happy or satisfied with the cards I’ve been dealt. 

The fact that I have all of the power and none at all to change it.

So im taking it back…. 

Little R was told how it is. Im done sugar coating things for her. If she decides not to speak to me, so be it.

Fet girl tried her bullshit again, she talks of gas lighting? That’s what she tries to do to me, so I turned it on her… Told her dealing with all the stress of everyone else has left me empty and that it is even causing me to take it out on Sir. Guilt-enjoy….

So 2 of them taken care of for right now. Everyone else…. Im in a meeting, key word for white collar/ leave me alone, just stop… All of you.

So far it’s working and now I’m thinking, I really am not in the mood to go out tonight.

Then when I think it all is taken care of…. Enter stage right, my mother…..FUCK

So she asks me if I can cut her hair tomorrow? I explained its been a few years since Ive cut hair and if she wants I’ll lend her the money, thinking no problem, what’s 40 bucks. So she says, great I’ll take a hundred and see you at 10:30 in the morning. Great, just fucking great. Thanks mom. I’ve asked her three times to make me an appointment with her, but since she took my extra money, I’ll just have to wait. Again I go to the back of the line, and it’s my own stupid fault.

Sir and I had a long talk last night and I know he’s not happy either. It’s sad because it’s not that we are unhappy with each other, but with the situations we are stuck in. 

I respectfully asked him not to go all Dom on me and try to reset me with pain. 

He wanted to speak of my divorce. To me im so far from married that I don’t think about it except when a financial issue come up. I really don’t know how much this impacts him. 

See one of the big things is I hate when people say they are stuck, I’ve always believed no one is really stuck we all hold the power to change. 

I just question, have I changed for the better?

Blank

thats my current state of mind.

Drop is gone, the really bad physical pain is gone and im left rather blank feeling.

I think it’s to prep for what I will face later today. 

I’m meeting Fet girl to give her back stuff they asked me to hold during the break up. With her it’s like little R. I never know if I’m getting the good or bad version. I’m going to try to get to her job early enough that she’s still working, then head over to n. They both work in walking distance. 

My goal is to be around her for the shortest time possible. The last thing I need is to hear her heartbreak or to have her turn on me since I’m still his friend. If that doesn’t work then poor n will have to deal with me after. 

Little R didn’t call today…. So that’s day 3. She called me at work yesterday and I asked her to call me at home later, she never did. So im done with her for now. I’m not a mind reader and unlike her….. She’s not my only friend. I’ve expressed im here when she’s ready to talk, but she’s not.

I give it to the Doms, putting up with these subs is really not easy. Sir and I talked about that yesterday and the truth is R looks to me like her mommy Dom and yes I’ll guide her, but it’s not in my personaity to put up with this crap and aside from wanting a friend to suceed I get nothing in return…. So to the doms reading this, with no scenes, no tangible reward, would you take on a bratty/baby girl??? 

Ok looks like my plan to drop and run is a no-go….so coffee then escape it is.

I think I’m having such a hard time with drop because of a couple of changes that have recently occurred.

First, I am now finding my own playpartners. Sir used to do that for me. 

Second, im playing with people more regularly.

Third, the decision to integrate my vanilla friends and kinky friends is blurring that line I made. It’s the start of not living a double life.

See the double life thing to me is safe, secure. It limits the risk of judgement and rejection.

I’m at the age that you really have to accept yourself. There is no more when I grow up left, these are just the cards im dealt.

No kids, no husband, hardly any family, but some really great (except for 2) friends. I know in my brain im happy for that …. But this is the phase I’ve been fearing, I want more. More from life, more from that four letter word.

I think that’s why I have this blank feeling, it’s easier to shut down than open up.

Why so Blah slave?

oh its everything and nothing…..

I guess if it goes away later, it was drop from saturday.

Simplify my life

thats what I need to do right now. I’m caught sucking up other people’s dramas and I need an out quick.

I’m finding that my jealousy and self doubt are starting to come to the surface again. N and sir (not sure if they know this) have been helping me out, but I can’t say where this change is from.

I did reize I did something really funny. My “vanilla” dating profile has a screen name that is hilarious. I dusted off an old email, one of the ones I had used when I was with ex Dom. I figured rather than going with a totally fake name, I’d go with a generic version of my own. So it is the name of his main character in his first series of novels. 

The reason this is so funny??? He used to threaten me with having to go out on a vanilla date with a woman. At the time I would have done just about anything to avoid that. So I guess my subconsciene did a little fuck you to him and when I posted my profile, with no prompt from sir, I chose a little shout out to him. God, totally high school and such a chick thing to do.

Needless to say…. It’s resulted in some of the funniest make profiles, a few fake females and even a clown. Like litterly a clown, not as a profession but that’s his kink!! 

It showed me even on vanilla sites we are attracted to our own. I’ve also come to the conclusion pof is just a horrible site, but okc has a tiny more potential. 

For the time being im not super interested in any of that. It takes too much work and im spending most of my energy trying to keep my shit together.

Blocked

that  is the theme for the past couple of days. I blocked more people on dating sites than I can count. I’ve had writers block. I feel emotionally blocked and this morning I found it nessessary to block both fet girl and little r’s text messages. 

They take too much. Ever meet someone like that? They just take and take, until you have nothing left to even try to give. Every ounce of compassion and understanding I had is now gone. 

So for a day, they are too. Historically after a day of down time and blocking the drama I can return to my normal self, but what if I don’t want to??? 

What if I want to divert all of this effort to people that will actually be a little grateful? It’s funny that the most effort is put into the most selfish of people and for now, I’m done with that.

There’s a million dramas floating around me and im caught in the eye of the hurricane trying to keep my footing and not get sucked in.

Tonight is just the doctors and I’ll spend a few hours cooking for the ne t couple of weeks. Beyond that, unless N needs me, I’m a ghost.

Long wet hot weekend

sorry for missing the blog yesterday, Sir. 

I really didn’t think it was possible to fit so much into one weekend.

I started the weekend with a plan, but plans change. I did get to split it between vanilla and kinky.

I’m rethinking that whole vanilla girl thing I came up with last week. God, I really have no clue what I need. Plus I have no idea what I’m looking to accomplish with these relationships. I mean is there an end game?

In the vanilla world you are set on a course, marry, procreate, all that crap. What am I really to gain from any relationship at this time? I mean I get the companionship and all of that, but if im stuck in this island unto myself mindframe, how is that going to develope? 

I hate being lonely, but I need to be alone. I have good friends that I keep just far enough away from me to stay safe. 

I found this weekend talking with FGD, I really have no clue where im heading. I need a plan, more than moving to the village. 

I did decide to start integrating my kinky and vanilla friends. I’m so tired of the back and forth of the groups. I also had a long talk with C and she’s much less…..afraid of me.

Yes, that’s really what is was. My best friend of over 20 years feared me. I feel like my life is just empty, like im empty. 

Fuck I need to go to yoga tonight. 

Saturday was fun, a last minute invite to the couples house for a small part of my group. I left with a very happy face and for a day I was carefree. I wish I could bottle that feeling, it fades too fast.

A Vanilla Girl??

I’ve been thinking about my loneliness lately.

Yes I have some great kinky friends, good people, but still at the end of night I’m alone.

Sometimes I really doubt Sir and the things he says. It takes me a while to see the light. At first he said that I needed a subbie friend. I have one of them. She’s great, but there’s a line neither of us will cross.

So the idea that I got was…..find a nice vanilla girl. Someone local and bi, but not in this crazy kinky world. Someone just on the outside of it. Someone that I won’t share with the group. God that sounds selfish, but honestly I’m a little tired of sharing.

So back into the wild world of on-line dating I go. My pics will still be blurry or headless. I have to be even more careful since in the vanilla world I have more of a chance of someone seeing my profile and being out and proud is really not the goal.

Who knows by next week I may be totally turned off by this idea, but for now, I guess I’m ready Sir.

Oh and a funny side note. N and I were talking about men that make girls squirt. So she said how FGD has been doing that to her. I told her she should tell him that he has to teach us, since I have no clue. That resulted in a big laugh and she received an immediate invite over for morning coffee! So they are off having fun and I have to get out of here to head to the land of swimming pools:)

Why is it I seem oh so good at hooking others up and suck at it for me?

What a shit show

A common theme in my adventures is the constant mess ups of the nyc transit system. I’ve discovered the correlation with the better the night the harder of a time commuting I’ll have. 

Yesterday a 40 minutes trip turned into 2 hours and a massive breakdown multiple train lines. After 2 breakdowns and a hunt through Chinatown for a cab I met the female and was only 20 minutes late.

Ugh, I hate being late.

We had a good chat. Discussing our general dislike of a rather large submissive group. It was funny because I told her about the fight and that whenever I’m around them…. The sadist comes out. We laughed. 

Like Sir she enjoys that im not a generally submissive personality. Meaning day to day and outside of my kinks, im just me and most of the time, that’s a woman with history and opinions. This particular group…..well, they barely function as humans.

We talked parties and people and had a good vanilla time.

FGD and N were headed in by car and got stuck in a bit of traffic. By the time they got there we ended up leaving for the art event.

The female went home to take care of the new puppy and the three of us walked. It was really nice. FGD had his camera back and took tons of pics. I even got to shoot it for a bit. 

It’s was amazing how easy it was…. Meaning the plans, conversation….just everything was easy. 

We didn’t see the art stuff until the very end. Due to the crowds we walked the opposite  way on purpose and circled around at the end.

Plans were made to get done new toys and I mentioned Id like to go to the party next Friday, but organizing the big group takes a lot out of me. I’m playing with the idea of keeping it a little smaller. Seems many of us have drama in real life and I feel bad not inviting them to escape it, but it would be nice to not always be watching over them. It’s a weird thing but I know that when Sir comes in it gives me a break from that role and with our last couple of visits not happening (for really good reasons) im starting to burn out.

Bitchy slave

Regardless of the people that have been sucking my life force….im bitchy.

It’s like a raging drop…sad and angry. Why are we such addicts to this crap? 

Just because I’m hurt, I turn into an asshole. The more I try not to be the worse I get.

I don’t know how Doms do this crap. Deal with us I mean. Right now my needy level is off the charts, for no reason. My life is ok (knocks on wood). 

Last night (until the bitchy incident) was ok. Met a new couple, they live 2 blocks away and are nice. Not super kinky, but vanilla kinky. At least they are cool people to talk too. 

I’m looking forward to tonight much more. FGD and N and the female will be joining me for a night of art in the city. 

Oh and im hangry….. Another side effect of no gym….I want carbs:(

I have all really good stuff planned and if I could just get well enough to do some cardio or get a light spanking I know I’d be normal again.

Big problem, I don’t like needing these things. It comes from my fear of dependence. I know it’s an addiction and sometimes I feel like if I can get past the withdrawal I’ll be fine.