thats my current state of mind.

Drop is gone, the really bad physical pain is gone and im left rather blank feeling.

I think it’s to prep for what I will face later today. 

I’m meeting Fet girl to give her back stuff they asked me to hold during the break up. With her it’s like little R. I never know if I’m getting the good or bad version. I’m going to try to get to her job early enough that she’s still working, then head over to n. They both work in walking distance. 

My goal is to be around her for the shortest time possible. The last thing I need is to hear her heartbreak or to have her turn on me since I’m still his friend. If that doesn’t work then poor n will have to deal with me after. 

Little R didn’t call today…. So that’s day 3. She called me at work yesterday and I asked her to call me at home later, she never did. So im done with her for now. I’m not a mind reader and unlike her….. She’s not my only friend. I’ve expressed im here when she’s ready to talk, but she’s not.

I give it to the Doms, putting up with these subs is really not easy. Sir and I talked about that yesterday and the truth is R looks to me like her mommy Dom and yes I’ll guide her, but it’s not in my personaity to put up with this crap and aside from wanting a friend to suceed I get nothing in return…. So to the doms reading this, with no scenes, no tangible reward, would you take on a bratty/baby girl??? 

Ok looks like my plan to drop and run is a no-go….so coffee then escape it is.

I think I’m having such a hard time with drop because of a couple of changes that have recently occurred.

First, I am now finding my own playpartners. Sir used to do that for me. 

Second, im playing with people more regularly.

Third, the decision to integrate my vanilla friends and kinky friends is blurring that line I made. It’s the start of not living a double life.

See the double life thing to me is safe, secure. It limits the risk of judgement and rejection.

I’m at the age that you really have to accept yourself. There is no more when I grow up left, these are just the cards im dealt.

No kids, no husband, hardly any family, but some really great (except for 2) friends. I know in my brain im happy for that …. But this is the phase I’ve been fearing, I want more. More from life, more from that four letter word.

I think that’s why I have this blank feeling, it’s easier to shut down than open up.

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