Writer’s block

aside from the daily activites and such, I really have not much to write about.

My back is finally improving, sitting still sucks, but I’m oked to go and resume at the gym, just lite cardio for now.

The friends are all facing their own unique issues and im helping emotionally where I can, but staying out of the thick of it.

I was telling Sir that there’s something off about this new girl in the group. I’m not sure if she’s a shit stirrer or something else. Maybe she’s not used to the lack of jealousy when we all play with the same people. To me it’s just common sense. We know they are safe, but I got the idea that maybe her who took a blow when she said that the male and get we’re texting and setting up private play. I told her, oh that’s nice, you should, I’ve played with them as a couple and it was really good. N told her that she met with him last week to discuss the same thing. She seemed shocked, then (and now this got me) n noticing her school said “what about we play with him together? Think one d with 2 subs” she looked repulsed. So ok maybe you don’t like group play or did you think your so special that he picked only you?

Part of me can’t wait until she realizes he won’t fuck her. Nope, not going to happen. He stays faithful to his relationship and sex is not part of play.

I told Sir that I may sound bitchy, but she thinks she is more than she is…. She’s a little chubby, but she’s not a pretty girl and she is friendly enough, but she gives little info. No straight answers and is going to result in drama.

I have been thinking as to the “why” my last group of good friends like this devolved. Part of it was due to drugs and death, but the main catalyst was drama….I let the wrong person in and they destroyed the dynamic.

I’m not saying she’s going to do that, but she has something going on in her head that I need to know.

The last thing I need is to bring drama into the group or to have her lead FGD on. 


Why are you so damn insecure??

i ask myself this all of the time. 

It’s funny, I think the face I show the world is anything but insecure. Yet I still need this reassurance from people that I am not …. Forgotten. I guess that’s the best way to put it. Yet at the same time I don’t want to be a main focus, that’s just too much pressure.

At the end of my first week of no yoga, pain and cancelled plans…..im just sad. So very fucking sad. I don’t have the energy to even be pissed. It’s total insecurity right now. Seems like all the things im good at have been removed, made impossible.

Yesterday little R came with me to C’s house. She was mainly behaved except once and it took me three times to get her to shut up. I told her that you must not be overly sexual in your discussions. There are kids around plus there’s the whole link issue with c and her husband. 

C dealt with it well. I know her jealousy gets crazy but I think the fact the R lost too much weight and looks like a sack of bones, made c not feel so bad. Plus I explained that the friendship I have with c is a repeat of R with me…. Meaning c when we met was older divorced, still fucking up her life in many ways but had much more real life experience than me…. So now I am in her role…. I think that made c feel a bit better as I know R declaration of friendship pissed her off.

I can’t believe it’s only noon. I came into a pile of work and im all done for now….. I really though it was almost time to go home:(

But, what’s the point of going home. I’ll have nothing to do until 9:30….. Nothing!! When that happens I start to drive myself crazy, nuts, this is when I get the most insecure. I also go on crazy ocd binges. Then there’s the hard fact for everyday out of the gym…it will take 2x to get back to where I was. That makes me want to cry.

Pools and Tears

Yesterday was a really mixed up day.

I initially started at my aunts house. They were all working as I relaxed in her rather cold pool. In the mid-afternoon C picked me up and the rain rolled in, turning a bright and sunny day gloomy. We had some good food and a couple of drinks. When the weather let up a bit we decided it was safe to swim, so with just a light drizzle we got into the pool.

Plans are set for the next holiday weekend and we’ve decided to stay closer to home than we previously planned. She’s still asked no questions regarding me telling her that I’ve gone to BDSM clubs……don’t even know if she ever will.

Back home in time to give the little doggies some good bklyn pizza from Sir.

Only moments to spare and FGD was the first to arrive. With in a half an hour the whole group was chatting and laughing in my living room. At about 11:30 I kicked them out and told them to go have fun!

It’s way too early, so no one is awake to tell me if last night was good. N did send me a text at 3am saying they were leaving, so at least they were there for a while.

Poor Sir had to deal with me crying bad tears after everyone left. It was a combination of bad pain, wine and missing him. Oh how he would have liked everyone coming over before the party and hanging out.

Today…back to the pool. I’m getting super frustrated with myself. I’m done with being broken. I just wish I could rewind and have a redo on the past 4 months. I don’t know how I could have allowed myself to get this bad. Sadly…that won’t happen and I just need to focus on fixing the damage that’s already been done.

I need some lap time. I wish being hugged didn’t hurt:(




Without my consent

I told Sir earlier, I don’t ever recall consenting to being mommy to Little R. There’s lots going on on that front, but I’m not wasting the few minutes I have left on a keyboard talking about her.

Yesterday after an hour in the pool all of my pains were gone. Sadly it only lasted a few hours and then they came back. So off to the pool I go again today. Even if it’s just a temporary fix, it’s worth the few hours reprieve.

I’m currently in a love/hate relationship with my plans tonight. Have all of your kinky friends meet at your house for a drink…..it really sounded like a good plan, or at least a way to make sure they all go out. I don’t want to be the reason they one by one back out of tonight. Each one independently has said that’s exactly what they would have done if I did not make it known that I wanted them to go out. It’s going to be sad when they walk out the door and I am left alone. Sir suggested inviting little R over and having her stay after but that’s another….ugh.

I think it might be easier to deal with the loneliness than a needy little girl. My one thought was and this may seems a little crazy and odd is to claim her on fet. I think she really needs to explore and I know she won’t do it without me. Also I think it will get her back on-line and make her happy that I am giving into the role she has thrust upon me. I’ll talk to Sir about it later……. I see both an up and downside to it.

try to stay positive I will not go into the downside.

I woke up thinking it was Sunday, so damn glad it’s not.

Well off to the pool for me and maybe I’ll have some time later to say how tonight goes.


I honestly can’t recall the last time I was trapped inside for more than a day. I guess I can go out and stand on the stoop, but really what kind of escape is that?

I have a real problem with “not doing”. I have no work to do, I’m just existing with periods of pain. Last night thanks to some muscle relaxers, anti-inflamatories, lidocaine and tigerbalm….all washed down with a glass of wine, I finally slept. Oh I missed sleep. I was to the point of passing out standing up yesterday.

Today isn’t as bad, I’ve only cried once. Sitting is getting a little easier, I found that if I sit cross legged in Sir’s chair, the pain is bearable. yet after a little bit my legs go numb. I had the funniest thought yesterday on the chiropractors table. So I’m in a terrible amount of pain and she is telling me in a really Dom voice to picture the woman who is playing the music….she’s in a floor lenghth black gown and is a blond tall glass of water…I shot you not those are her words. Then she did an adjustment and she put her hand on me in the manner that FGD will do to ground me in the middle of a scene.

By the end of the more than an hour long adjustment I was crying and had the thought of I  need to find a chiro that gives aftercare….So to you Doms out there, may I suggest becoming a chirpractor in the NYC area. My hands and feet were cold and I could have really used some lap time after. A “good Girl” would have nice as well.

Guess that’s  it for now. I have to figure out some way to make the time move…….Hell, I may even let my mother come over tonight.

My heart is broken

i guess it’s taking its que from my body.

Today at work I couldn’t sit. I sneezed and screamed. That’s how bad the pain was. I say “was” lightly.

My boss couldn’t believe how bad I looked and how hard it was for me to walk. 

So in the time I had set aside for my blog, I used it to find a chiropractor near my new home. The first one was a shady fuck, as soon as they said well it’s 50 bucks blahx3.., I have great health insurance. So I informed the woman that “didn’t know” if the doctor was i network, that I’d call and find out. Ps, he wasn’t so I got four numbers from the rep at my insurance.

So I called 3, no answer, then the fourth, the sweetest lady answers the phone, said she would call the insurance, verify and called back 3 minutes later…. I finally had a noon appointment.

I have a coworker demand to drive me and I get to the office in tears from getting in and out of her rather large suv.

I enter to the sound of meditation music and a sweet smile on the receptionist. As I fill out the paperwork I appoligized for hovering at the counter, as im not able to sit. She informed me that’s exactly why the counter was that height.

The Chiro comes out and is talking yoga with the woman leaving. So I tell her she has another yoga injury. Turns out the other woman taught yoga, her next client was her mom and after that the receptionist…, she had breast cancer and during the treatments broke her back. This was no car accident/workers comp factory. 

She asked questions and when I told her most injuries were from dance the first thing she asked was hoe old were you when they put you “on pointe” I laughed and said four…. Yes that was the first time… 

She told me her history and that unlike most chiropractors she didn’t want to see my three to four times a week, that would mean she failed to make me better. She could not believe how bad my back was and adjusted me from my neck to the tips of my toes. During this she found the trigger point I looked for all last night, it was on the side that didn’t hurt and it shot into my right pelvis causing the muscle to visibly spasm. As I got up, the muscle cramp in my side was gone, she warned me when I stood the pain may have moved and holy fucking Christ …. It went straight to my lower back, both side. I thought I would collapse, then I cried. 

During the adjustment she gave me a visual meditation… She tried everything to ease the pain.

Even with the pain still there…. At least it was where is was supposed to be. She gave me her personal cell and told me to ca of I had any questions, or just needed a pep talk. She said many times, I can see you push too hard, you need to cut back, not what you do but how, push 20% less so you get the pose petfect. Also that if my form was good I would not have fallen out of position did to a hot flash and I know she’s right.

As I left I looked and just knew I’d been there before, that building…. I caught the marble staircase out of the corner of my eye and it clicked….rope night!!! That was the building the rope party was in. I wondered how his downstairs neighbor never complained, easy since it was her office!!

So back home and I must have cried at least 20 times… Every move Id pure pain, until the muscle relaxer kicked in.

Sir will not be coming in. So many reasons, but when I’m sick, I need to be alone. I would be heart broken not to cuddle with him and the slightest touch would hurt.

The other reason my heart breaks? I’ve texted my kinky group, each one offering support, asking if they can help. I made them all promise that they would come to my house before the saturday party for a drink. I did this so that they would all go and I could see how excited they were. I texted my vanilla fridnds and coworkers. The coworkers got right back to me, offering the same…but C…, nothing yet. I say well maybe she’s working. 

Fuck even my mom was human about this. I feel like in my last discussion with her I caused her to put up a wall by really telling her the truth, or im just overthinking did to medication and pain?

Broken slave

yes sir, I pushed too hard.

I can’t bend nevermind doing anything more than walking right now.

If I may ask, new rule? No matter how stressed out I am- hard limit, 2 hour max at the gym and only 1 hour of cardio or any one thing.

I did “bad yoga”. That’s the same as having a bad trip to the chiropractor. I was too tired and sore from over doing it the day before. Then hot flash, twist and poor slave can’t move well.

I tend to do things like this, all of my injuries are stress injuries.

So you are right sir, im so healthy that I can’t get off the couch with out pain.

Today I will walk, little stretched, not stay sitting or standing too long and if I can get to the point that I can run a bath, I’ll soak, worst part, I smell like tiger balm!! 

I have a really hard time accepting that 40 year old me can’t do what 20 year old me could. 

I also hate being cranky and im super cranky right now.

Blah monday

sitting here, a little nauseous.

This weekend was not the break I really needed. Saturday little R drama, sunday I got sick. 

Today I know it was a combo of too much exercise while I was haveing a hot flash. So my body induced its own heat stroke:(

How do know? My face is horribly broken out. Like im going through puberty again. 

Today im better and glad it’s hippy guys class. Also little R is kissing ass and everyone at work is leaving me alone. Guess I can’t ask for more than that. 

I’m pissed I missed o’s baby shower, but it’s better this way I didn’t get sick on the train.

I’m in the final stretch. Just a few days until Sir arrives and every minute im not at work I have things to do. I’m only hoping my body will perk back up.

Sadly this will be the first time he will be coming to visit and I won’t have all his favorite foods prepared

It’s a little something that I enjoy, but since I’m working on being debt free by January, I have to stay on budget. 

Guess I should go earn my paycheck now…