I’m not a bitch, but maybe you are?

There’s a big difference between blog me and real life me……I Don’t Bitch. Here I may rant and rave, but real me is diplomatic, I think (most times) before I speak and I am the one in both my personal and professional like people seek out to diffuse conflicts.

You may think, ok great, so what? What…most people don’t realize why I do it. I hate confrontation, I hate being around miserable people. I get physically ill when I’m surrounded by stress, even when it’s not mine. So how do I handle real life stress (aside from this bloggy thing) easy, I try to look at things logically except when it comes to Little R.

I’m not going into the whole back story that has gotten me to the point that I’m sitting here typing a mile a minute, pissed as all fuck. Sir knows it, so crib notes, she’s going to fuck a fellow married with children coworker, at a job she just started a month ago. Way to go on that fresh start you stupid fuck. So I voiced my peace last night. Remember my screen name? So I’ll sit back and watch her repeat my mistake, and be there when her world fucking crumbles, but I’m in no way going to support her decisions.

I have a real problem with people that think I’m going to be happy when they put morality aside and do fucked up things, see I’m in no way perfect or thinking I have these wonderful morals, but when people assume I’m going to be happy about their bad choices I get pissed. She actually said to me “I thought you’d be happy, since it will most likely end with me leaving(insert asshole boyfriend’s name)…..Guess again bitch, no that won’t make me happy.  She has no concept of what it’s like dating a married man, the risk and heartache that’s associated with it….plus, way to one up me and make it a co-worker…….stupid, just fucking stupid.

At the end of our conversation she says she’s going to be near my house both days this weekend and going to brunch today, I say ok…..I mean she’s stood me up 6 times in the past month. No offer for me to come to brunch. Sir suggested I ask her to stop by after. The problem is she’s going to be drunk and I don’t want to hear her shit when she’s drunk. I will sometimes go into a very triggery state with drunk people when I’m sober due to my mother and I run the risk of being very mean and that is a mind-frame I will regret afterwards.

Back to today…..

I woke up this morning and put it in my mind to go to the gym and then I knew she would call as she does everyday when she wakes up. I would ask her over with the preface of- if your not drunk. I would put the lack of an invite and her bad choices aside. That whole be the mommy thing.

but…she FUCKED UP. As i’m walking in the best breeze feeling really damn good about myself. I get a call.

Side note:At the gym I started to play the fucked up music association game. Pandora was down, so instead of the really crappy dance stuff I would normally work-out to, I had to listen to the music on my playlist. Most of it associated with people I no longer speak to and I started to feel the drop coming. I managed to keep it out by getting a good runners high going. I’ve noticed the more intense the scenes get and the more different things I do, the faster I start to drop. Take a spanking or normal impact scene. It will take up to 5 days to drop, but when I add weird shit, like fireplay and rope and multiple partners the drop comes faster, last time with no warning. So as I’m dealing with a bratty little, I’m also dealing with my own drop.

The music stops…I answer her call to a Little R talking a mile a minute, where should we go for brunch? The place we wanted to go doesn’t open until one? WTF….you not only don’t invite me but now I’m your fucking live version of Yelp. I took a breath and gave her 2 suggestions, to then be asked well where exactly are they? I wanted to scream, you have an iPhone!!!! instead I tell her google bottomless brunch in (insert my neighborhood) and they will come up and that’s when I lost it and said, “oh and buy the way….thanks for the invite” She was not prepared for the fucking real bitch tone in my voice. She said well it wasn’t mine to give, so I said, well then you asked her if you could and she said no? She was dead silent. Turns out she was in the car with the woman she was going with. I know the real reason I didn’t get an invite. When she goes out with this woman, she gets her meal paid for and if I went I would have gone in my wallet to pay for my own, forcing her to do the same in order not to look like an ass.

So a free brunch is worth pissing of your “best friend”? BTW, she’s real lucky I haven’t crushed her illusion, because, she’s in no way my best friend. I can think of four people that fall into the best friend category before her….and that’s just off the top of my head.

The woman in the back-round could be heard saying we can go pick her up. I said no, thanks, I just got out of the gym, have a good time, google the addresses.

then hung up.

Sorry Sir but I don’t think inviting her over after brunch would be the best thing to do. I do think that if I want to end a friendship, then I should. It’s funny because at this very moment, a part of me wants to…..I no longer benefit from this relationship.

The main point is I’m really tired of tip toeing around everyone’s feelings and in return getting shitted on. Some people are just toxic and I’m tired of getting taken for granted. Do it too many times and I ghost.

Another sad truth, now that we no longer work together all benefits that I did have are gone. I’m now her sounding board. I now deal with her problems. I’m the person she calls at the most inconvenient times. I get nothing out of it. I get stood up on a weekly basis. I’m not her friend, I’m her therapist and let’s face the hard truth, I’m not a Domme and that’s what she really needs along with a good fucking shrink.



Oh poor sore……


Lol, it was worth it and today with every move the full acheI have reminds me of that.

As we were leaving the bar I looked quickly at my phone and there were a bunch of messages and texts from little R.

So when I wake je up this morning I responded that I wasn’t mad at her. Suprise she cancelled plans again at the last minute. 

So as I sent the message my home line rings…..yes, I’m obviously a 90 year old with a real landline, but I live in a building that cell reception is crappy at best. It’s R, asking me what the hell j did last night because she woke up out of a dead sleep cuming!!! So I told her I was fucked so hard that I came and broke the dildo.

Turns out there’s more to her story and if history is any indicator, her and the bf will be parting ways soon or marching down the isle.

Part of me is happy, yet part is pissed at her. She is working with a guy that she has a very physical attraction to. He’s married a few kids, a fucking coworker! I told her in the very beginning, DO NOT SHIT WHERE YOU EAT!! Needless to say R shitted yesterday. They only kisses but since R has been exposed to link, she came from that kiss and has been in overdrive since.

I told her, just throw yourself into your work, it’s friday and you need to keep your mind busy in order not to turn into a horny teenager and get your stupid ass fired.

The good part…. She felt not an ounce of guilt. That’s the flag, sorry, but your relationship is over.

Welcome to nyc

so I sit here, very calm, totally fucked into submission as a Columbia university protest is going on right above me.

Yup it’s the long 3 train ride home.

Sore ass and a big smile.

We started off the night on a really relaxed rooftop, siping frozen margaritas. Talking, laughing, trading stories of the holiday weekend. 

The male half I’ve seen many times do fire play. The last party I asked in passing if he would do that with me.

Tonight I learned that…. It can be so much more done in private. 

So o have some weird “hard” limits, like for instance hoods and my feet. So he pulled out a massage table and i undressed, at this point it’s been a very long time since I’ve had a woman fuck me, so I took a deep breathe and took everything off.

(Really cold train 1)

I put my hair up, not good with the hood idea. Fire play is amazing, all my yoga pains are gone, but they mixed in both lite impact and feathers. At one point my clit being slapped with this paddle like thing, I thought it was him and I reached for her. Turns out she was the one doing the impact not him. Guess FGD  was right, she’s one mean bitch:)

That went on for an hour, laying on my back, front, so many positions, edging too many times to count. 

Fuck I left my fitbit again! Ugh. 

Maybe it’s in my bag….

Back to the scene, they picked me up and gave me water. Then tied me to  a hard point in the door way. Somehow by this time I ended up with the hood in and could care less. I also was good with the fire play on my poor broken feet. It felt good, not like o when she took the cane to them. 

Nope not in my bag, guess it’s a small price to pay for the pain/pleasure I recieved. I have a back up.

So hanging in full subspace they brought me back to where I could speak and asked my limits on sex. I said with her, none. I also said its been a long time (relatively speaking since I’ve done anal). So hanging in a slight back bend, she fucked me with a normal strapon.

It was good but they could see I could use more.

On the bed still tied up. He changed her toy and she started again. This time the size was right and the breath play and hitachi began.

I think I lasted a decent time before I called Sir. He made sure the phone was ready and when I called I was ass up being fucked hard with the hitachi on my clit. 

I have no idea how many o’s I had. Yet they were all amazing and I squirted everywhere.

At that point she was exhausted, so no round 2 as round one lasted three hours, somehow I lost an hour in my time line. 

Waiting on train 2- with a diversion-FML.

Side note- little R thinks I’m mad. She cancelled plans again on me… So im kinda not caring to console her. L sent me a groupon foraerial   yoga, with the laughing emoji. 

When we got up, turns out I broke her dildo. Poor black guy was totally bent. 

We had water, chatted, and took the puppy out.

She mentioned how much calmer I look, the stress gone from my entire body.

Train 3 has a slam poet on it, thought it was a girl, turns out it was a guy.

Waiting on train 3, napped on that one👍

Now the last and final train, she and I liked we need a helicopter. Luckily I have one meeting tomorrow.., nice and easy …..

I got it!

i was reading an artical on “floating” in yoga. It’s something I don’t do well and most of the reason is I don’t know the technique and anatomy of it.

So in my quest to float better, I figured out 2 things. First why the pain from Tuesday’s class was so different than crazy lady’s and why I suck at riding a bike.

First to float you use your transverse abs and pelvic floor, think kegel and contract you stomach and ribs. To use the ribbon in a floor practice your body has to utilize these muscles of you don’t move. So new pain, from my bog a toy pelvis ached yesterday but deep, not surface pain. 

Sir has said how he can’t understand with the yoga and years of dance why I have balance issues on the bike. It’s actually because of those things I have issues bike riding. One hip is higher than the other due to knee, ankle and foot injuries. If I stand I can do small adjustments to make them even out, but when I walk and sit, you can see the difference. Example the pain mgt doc after seeing me take 3 steps, asked what’s wrong with your hip? I have a very hard time sitting with both feet down, it hurts. I’ll always be either leaning on my side, or crossing my legs or in a cross legged position. It’s also why at the gym I choose the eliptical, at no time are both feet on the floor.

I’ve figured out how to adjust when standing and now I need to figure it out while sitting, walking, it just makes my ass shake more, so I’m ok with that;)

Work has been busy and I really have nothing to write about. Play date later, but many hours to kill from now to then.

Thanks Sir for extending the bike riding another couple of weeks, im going to see if I can find anything to teach me how to correct the balance so im not always falling to the right.

Not afraid to fly

ive been overly concerned with my injuries and now that I’m getting stronger, it was time.

In order for me to feel secure in the thing I wish to do, first, I needed to make myself fly.

So off to the expensive yoga studio in the city. Ribbons….. The first half of the class was ok. I didn’t see what the big deal was until the teacher readjusted my ribbon, it was too low and we started inversions.

That’s when the rush came and im hooked!! 

It was also when I realized that I can do suspension, no reason to hesitate.

After class I traveled to get girls. She has a broken ass, literally. We went up to her rooftop and had the first good normal conversation, in a very long time. I guess all of her bitterness was making her mean. Now she’s happy and im not dreading being around her. I think it helped that I also changed back into good clothes, makeup bavk on and a pair of heels. Those little steps made me feel much more her equal and less her fat ugly friend.

Then back home for a good chat with n. God it was a really long day. A really good day.

Best part, sir could hear my smile. 

Tonight, back to crazy lady and relax …..

Not fucking surprised

Back in my prison cell, oops I mean cubical and playing catch up with friends via text.

All of a sudden I get a text from Fet girl, canceling on yoga tonight. Some lame ass excuse about her back. Lies, I tell you, nothing but lies. 

How do I know this? Well first off, she sucks at yoga and the thought of anyone doing something better than her kills her. Btw, that’s one of the reasons I was looking forwRd to it. See Sir, girls are evil and rotten. Second she asked to meet for a drink tonight as she will be stayng with vanilla man the next two days and she off of work. Oh so the real reason is you won’t be in the city, you’ll be with him and you don’t want to be made to look like a fool by someone you continually make feel like a peice of shit? Whatever……hopefully the bitch whatever’s.

But….. I’m still meeting her for that drink. Asshat vanilla guy better not be there. Unless he wants to hear the question, so how many cocks were there, im how many holes at once during your gangbang the other weekend? Yes that is mean, but that is where she has pushed me too. I can take a lot of crap, but once I get to this point…..im no longer nice.

Aside from that I have lots of work to do…..im still looking forward to the class and this rant really means little in the grand scheme of things.

Dropping at a BBQ?

I was really caught off gaurd. Normally it takes almost a week for the emotional drop to set in. So as I was talking to Sir and getting ready for the longest bus ride of my life, boom….drop. Fuck I was so sad. Somehow I managed not to cry, but ugh, I had no choice but to go to this BBQ.

I had given little R a talk and I needed to make sure she followed through.She’s been with her asshat boy friend now for about 7 years and he has no idea who the real R is. She acts totally different when he is around and amazingly he was going to be there. He never does anything with her or her friends, so this was a big deal. I told her she needs to stop being someone else just because he’s there and basically fuck him and the horse he rode in on if he doesn’t like it.

It was funny, here I am a good decade or more older than just about everyone there and I stroll up in a really bright orangy red open back sun dress and an old chinese lady bag/cart full of all different types of alcohol. I made sure I had something for the 2 hosts, little R, my friend A and her boyfriend and of course me. The “children” were speachless. Out of the blue and after 3 drinks little R starts talking about the time I took her to the club. I was like “fuck, this was not what I meant” but with full on drop, wine and my ass and back really starting to throb, I could care less that she was outing me to her boyfriend. Then he pipes in saying he went to some club that closed a while ago and watched a flogging scene.

Guess there’s some things that Little R doesn’t know about him. I told her see what happens when you stop trying to change yourself for others. Unfortunately him being open didn’t last long and as she made a couple of her normal off colored remarks he would give her super judgey looks. She had said something about blue balls and L and I didn’t react at all. He looked at us and said “really, nothing?” I said nope, that’s a tame Monday morning before coffee remark from her.

We stayed for about 4 hours and then they walked me back to the bus stop. They live at about the half way mark, so I hopped in their cab since the bis was no where near. Little R really not wanting the lecture she was going to get about her “bad” behavior walked and waited with me for the bus. I told her not to say sorry. It’s about time she let him know who she really was. Around him she is a dour girl, quiet and reserved. That’s not her. Plus she didn’t make an ass of herself, she was in a pretty good mood and relatively well behaved.

When I got home I told her sorry I was not more fun but I was dropping pretty hard. She said she had known and that was one of the reasons she followed through with the behavior modification. I had shown her the marks left by Friday and she was in awe.

N was going to come by last night, but I told Sir I just needed sleep. So by 11 pm I was in bed getting tucked in. I’m up and ready for the gym, feeling much more myself with just a little sadness around the edges.What I found much more different about this drop was the amount of physical pain I had. Normally I get the emotional baggage that comes up, but this time I managed to keep my gratefulness for the life I had, but it felt like my joints were ripping apart.

I’ll check in with R later to see how her night went, I’m guessing he dropped it or the fucked like rabbits, because I got no overnight calls to come over……

Just A Non-Event

I will build things up in my head and make them a hell of a lot more important then they really are. Like yesterday. Old me would have sat on the kitchen floor, drinking, not reaching out to anyone until I was plastered, listening to this song:

That was me…..

Instead I just got up and continued. So maybe I was still a little high on the endorphins and the fun of the prior night, but hey that’s a hell of bit better than the pity party I was accustom to.

I ran a good 5 miles and got home just in time for C to pick me up. It was also the anniversary of her father’s death, so we both needed to be with each other. As I got in the car we had presents for each other. I had stopped at the jewlers and found a mantra bracelet that says “you are my person”. funny thing is she had tee-shirts made up when she did her last fun raiser that said you are the Meredith to my Christina and vise versa.

We laughed that we had both thought to express the same gratitude to our friendship. It was a nice day, a couple of lite beers and some good food. No Sir, not big cheats, maybe today.

A really bad attempt to ride a bike. It was rusty and I have these horrible bruises between my legs from ….I have no clue, but I’ll blame FGD for them. Some pool time and it was topped off by sitting fireside with her and mom toasting our little feet. Neither one of us cried or went to our dark places, instead we just caught up and made plans for vacation labor day weekend.

There was one funny thing that happened right after dinner. I said fuck it and wore by bikini. She as expected gave me the standard look of death as she has in the past when I loose weight. I told her I have bruises on my ass and I fell down the subway stairs and that’s the story I’m sticking to. The main problem is that if her husband saw them, he would know that’s total bs. Luckily if he did notice, he said nothing. So we are outside with her mom and I said something about staying out until 4 am. Mom asked if I was gallivanting, I said no I was up to shenanigans, Then C piped in with I want to do shenanigans with you. I told her no, she can only gallivant. So she pressed me….why can’t she come out with me. So after a year of dealing with it, I told her because I went to a BDSM club and that is not your scene. The reaction????? None. She dropped it and changed the subject. I also said and that’s the real story of where most of my bruises come from. She said in PR not to lie to her, I think she’s regretting that statement. I wonder if she will question me about it the next time we hang out?

Then home to doggies and as directed by Sir some couch time to relax. See a total non-event.

Don’t worry, be happy

I really wasn’t sure if making plans to go out last night was the right thing to do. Sometimes I have a habit of filling my life with so many events that I don’t have to deal with any emotions.

I was also a bit afraid of meeting with the couple and basically eating crow by telling them the honest truth, which is mentally I couldn’t meet them this week. It really went so much better than expected. He pulled me aside after I talked with her and gave me a big hug, telling me that they are there, I need anything just reach out. I look at other groups and people, not just in the lifestyle and it makes me realize how lucky I am to have so many really good people surrounding me.

I look back and I have no clue as to how I ended up the fearless little leader of this group, but when we went into paddles I was running around saying hi to this one and that and giving the newbies a tour )no tour guide last nigh). One asshat Dom stopped me and was like “hey, are you the owner) I gave him the look of death and he sucked his teeth and turned away. Creepy fuck was perpetually in my sight the rest of the night throwing me dirty looks, but with a third of the club being my friends, he lacked the opportunity to say anything. I had seen him there a few times and once overheard a conversation he had about a scene he had just done…..he’s one of those I’m Dom suck my cock kind of guys and not in a that is her fetish kind of way. I don’t forget when I run into people like that.

So FGD and I were both in a really shitty mood this week, but by last night, we threw all of that manic energy into scenes. Normally we do maybe 2 spankings, that’s it. Most OTK, hardly any implements. Last night was different, both of us needed to get to that headspace and we did a damn good job of it.

the first one on a spanking bench, just a warm up with hand and belt and those amaing gloves. I’d love to break it down, but let’s face facts, I have a shit memory for things going on once I hit subspace. The second was after I checked in with Sir. The female had asked if we could play and I really wanted to.

So we went back in and “I’m not playing tonight N, was in a scene with the male” ha, she didn’t even last an hour without playing. So we got this great spot with A big mirroe, bench and ceiling cuffs past the cages and set up. I don’t remember much but for a second she had dissapeared and I notice. FGD picked up on it and went to get her. Turns out she was going to go get some toys from her bag. FGD like the idea that I could watch the scene in this room and for the first time in a very long time I felt sexy. Not cute or pretty but I felt hot. We all played and I later found out she bit my ass. Funny how things happen and you have no clue, but it all felt insanely good.  After we went back upstairs and I checked in to say goodnight to Sir. I was on-time! Go me, I have a real habit of totally loosing track of time in clubs and I’ll think it’s only 5 minutes passing, turns out to be 2 hours 😦

FGD wanted to try my new flogger. So take 3. Crap I must have brought the world most thuddy/stingy flogger ever. Then he pulled out the rope, I really never saw him do rope, but I know he went to many rope events. The only thing we were a bit disappointed in is that a local rope performer had rsvp’d but didn’t show up. The rope was not the noral tie the girl up to be pretty but a tool for more impact. I know at one point I was in a full bending back-stand. After since it was the first time we tried something new, we spoke of it and he in the moment had forgotten how much yoga I did and was concerned that the back-bend was too much.

As this was going on everyone else was playing and having a good time. The female was happy and giddly over the ass bites.

I had been planting the seed to hook up N with FGD and last night they exchanged numbers. N also was asked by the male for private play and truthfully they are the only Doms (other than Sir) I would have no safety issues with her exploring with.

There was one slight misstep last night. As we were leaving FGD still very much in Dom space asked if I thought there would be  a problem with him driving me home and coming in. I gavae him that nope face and said I’m sorry but no. He instantly snapped out of it and said, Sir would not approve and I said yes that is a hard limit. He apologized and I know he was really just wrapped up in the night and the scenes. To him and FG has always said this, BDSM is just foreplay to sex. The strange thing is that was the first time I have ever just been able to say No. No second thoughts, no hesitation. I am still amazed at time of the confidence I have that has been lacking all of these years.

When I got home, he texted so sorry about how he ended the night as he cook himself mac and cheese. Funny when a Dom has to learn the basics of survival ( mainly in the kitchen) I told him don’t worry about it. Our emotions were running really high last night and what I didn’t say was, thanks for the self esteem boost.It’s nice, even when totally inappropriate to be propositioned.

The couple and I left it off that we are going to make plans to meet up this week. He’s still so impressed with how much she likes me, as she really hardly likes anyone. Sound familiar Sir? Turns out the meeting with the Sub had not gone well and it really was good we didn’t meet up as both of us were not in a good place to play.

I woke up this morning, on my 10th wedding anniversary not thinking of my wedding day, but thinking I am lucky to have so many people around me that care.


Goal (screaming like South American soccer announcer)

yes, after many months of very hard work and lots of support and encouragement from Sir, I hit my goal weight.

To celebrate, I took out my best work dress, my prettiest heels and even with all of the emotional bullshit, I can’t help but feel good.

Last night was fun, after my little twin had a slight nervous breakdown. With everyone going off to college, her and her best friend/girlfriend have broken up. I had asked her if she remembered the pink dye and then all of a sudden she started crying. I was like, don’t worry, I’ll go buy some. I had no idea those tears had nothing to do with me. Her only words, ” I can’t do anything right” 

Fuck, I’ve been there and kinda still am.

So after talks and hugs, oh and many stories of really screwed up romances her three honorary older sisters got the tears to stop. She then said, im just afraid I’ll never find that connection again….. Aw fuck, then I cried. 

So the wine got poured and the purple dye came out.

An hour later…, perfection and I was much happier at the end result. L thought it was so funny that I was pissed about the wrong initial color, when she really wasn’t. I told her I have a reputation to live up to and anything that not exactly what the person wanted, is just not acceptable, especially if I can fix it.

Head space wise im better today. I’m not sure if it’s that one last push of positivity before tomorrow, but whatever it is, I’ll take it.

I’m excited for tonight. Even after bailing the female asked to play tonight and I have an exuberant yes.

Hoping Sir finally had that pizza tonight, he is sounding better every day.