Where does the anger come from?

as fast as it comes it leaves.

Today im left with an emotional hangover of sorts. I have a headache and im really not motivated to do much.

Unfortunatey my job has other thoughts for me. So a long day of meetings before I get to leave. I was going to take a new class, but I’ll stick to the crappy substitute yoga for now.

The dancers baby is beyond cute and at less than 2 weeks old looks like he could be two months. It hurt to hold him. I often think statements like that make me a horrible person. 

I only got through it because I genuinely like them and her having similar problems to me, she really deserves to be a mom.

Still the pain and emptiness remains.

Time to push it all aside. God, these are the days ment for day drinking.

Nope, no such luck, time to go…..

It creeps in

yesterday I started to get that feeling again. I purposely didn’t mention it to sir, because I didn’t want to feed into it.

That feeling of bitter, angry, loneliness. I find im getting it more often now that any day the divorce papers will be filed.

Im also writing off people that serve no purpose…..next is going to be fet girl. Im so tired of her shit. She’s decided as a final fuck you to FGD, to try to make friends with the couple and has rsvpd for a party that will be happening on Sirs birthday weekend. Im to the point of….. Let her show up, im inviting him and I know he will come regardless. 

The venom she’s going to spew at me will be amazing, but it will also get her banned from the party.

Then there’s the rope people. Scary anal hook girl thinks her group is all that. I said to a few people, they really in the grand scheme are not the cool kids on the block. I’ve decided to take a different approach with her. Im going to ignor her, while making friends with a much much more exclusive group of rope people. Ones that if she doesn’t want her previous rigger to get the half will make her back off. See sir, all girls are horrible, even me.

I miss n…. She was only able to stay 2 hours last night. Long story, but it was nice to see her again. 

Yoga helped a little, but im still pretty angry with my life right now. See I believe in karma…. I think I’ve put out enough good, yet all I seem to be getting back is shit.

Hi monday

i blinked and the weekend over. Yesterday was a nice day in the pool then a visit from the bible girl. She’s boring and finds herself very important. She really isn’t. She also delusional. She thinks she’s joining a poly family when the primary female is

1-not poly 

2-not submissive

Yeah good luck with that. Sadly I’ll stay talking to her because of our proximity. 

N is coming by tonight. It will be good to see her again, seems like forever.

I’ve really lost my want to go to the parties. There are so many reasons but the most important…..they make me feel more alone.

So why do something that leads to depression? It was t bad when Sir was around, then I know I’m not going home alone. I think subconsciously I booked all these vanilla things to keep me busy until his next visit.

I really have nothing more to say……I’ve also become really uninspired when it comes to writing as well.

Day one ….

Funny how the party last night totally fell apart. There was only one person that went that I would have hung out with and going just for her would be a waste, since she literally would have been tied up all night.

The couple….Male half got piss drunk and past out.

Bible girl….didn’t make the cut on the invite list either

I’m going to make the most of this time and do every vanilla thing that peaks my interest. Funny that SMG was the happiest about my new found free time. She’s the one person I know who’s always up for a show or adventure of the non-kink kind. Plus she has a good in on cheap and free things to do…..and when all else fails she down to hang at the beach and do nothing in the sun. My favorite broke past time.

N finally took Sir and I’s advise and kicked Cali guy to the curb. Now that she has a taste of what it’s like to have local kinky friends and play partners she no longer has the ability to put up with him and his shitty ways. It took one horrible threesome and about 24 hours of fighting but I think she sees the light. I know this because she said it hit her the three days she spent with him she could have hung out with me the one full day she had since I was “working from home” and stayed with FGD at night. She realized her mistake way too late.

Yesterday I broke down and brought some cooler weather work pants. I’m accepting that I can’t use anything from last year. Ran a bunch of little errand and got my nails done. On the way home I walked into one of the many strolls we have in the neighborhood. It’s our version of a block party but put on my the local businesses. So after a late night gym visit, the last of my original plans cancelling I said fuck it and walked the stroll as it was closing alone. I ran into a local artist that I’ve seen many times and brought a couple of little things for Sir. Not for his birthday, but because I thought he would like them. I even brought a little something for myself that I now need to find a frame for.

Back home and I tucked Sir in since I had walked almost 12 miles and was nowhere near sleepy yet.

Today should be a good day, fun stuff planned and no pressure from the world of kinky drama. I was thinking …well maybe I’ll just change the parties I go to for a little, then a whole new drama starts on Fet between those promoters. I’ll take it as a universal sign, a break is needed, just breathe, relax and enjoy life for a little  while. I told SMG I’m not disappearing, my friends in real life are always my friends, just now I’ll see them in the daylight hours.

Officially done

the events of the last 24 hours have culminated in a vacation of sorts.

Met up with the female last night for drinks. As n and I knew she was not blind to the backhanded bs that the bible girl was doing.

Also turns out scary white trash anal hook girl is also talking shit. Acting like she doesn’t know who I am. All because she’s got an issues with BG. 

Im not so much upset about this, but im much more…. Just done with it.

I tried as Sir suggested to meet up with the couple or BG before the party. At first the female was like yes, great…. Then after a few minutes she said they have errands to run and won’t have time. Im not a fucking retard, the make is meeting up with bible girl and bringing her. Im also sure that the fact I said that I’ve outlived my usefulness to bible girl has gotten back to her by now. Im also ok with that. I was careful to only say things I wanted her to know…..

She’s a real shady bitch. I should have listened to my gut in the beginning.

So for now….im on a break. I took down my rsvps on fet. I’ll go out when Sir comes in, it’s his birthday after all and I’ll even go so far as inviting these asshats.

Chatting with FGD and he’s at the same point as I am for different reasons. 

N has also had it with her swingers world. She tried to return to it and just can’t. 

One really exciting thing… I brought my tickets to a yoga triathlon.

My goal is to throw myself into people and things that will feed my soul, instead of feeding on it.

This was also how the group ended way back when, I had really forgotten. The problem is when u let in one bad apple, the whole bunch goes rotten.

Tonight I’m taking for me. I have shopping and errands that must be done. Treating myself to a mani pedi, hitting the gym hard and hoping to pass out early.

I will as one last fuck you send a message to bible girl. Im letting her know im bowing out temporarily on my own terms. Im going to give her the rope to hang herself….all while watching from the sidelines

I need an update

not me, but my fetlife profile.

I know every Dom starts as a baby Dom, but I’m really tired of them not understand the phrase “no, I’m owned and don’t play with single Doms” 

Pretty straight forward?? No?

Im trying to be civil and not a bitch, but…. That’s really only going to last so long.

Now I have another one, can’t we meet for coffee and see if we click? No, no, no, again I repeat the phrase above. 

Yes I will take pity on you and talk to you if I smell the virgin on you at a party. Sure I will talk to you at a munch, mainly because I have no choice since im usually the organizer, because the current one goes home as soon as I show up.

My friendliness should in no way be mistaken for interest. Especially since I put a damn disclaimer into every single message….im thinking of changing it to….”just so u know, there’s no way in hell I’m ever going to touch your cock….”

And on that note, I’m going to go get a coffee….

Rope drop is a real Bitch

I drop, such is life. The times of fighting it are long gone. For every good thing there is an equally bad thing, that’s the bitch about balance.

Last night I just wanted to be alone, it wasn’t till I was texting with N that I realized it was drop. It also wasn’t till I spoke with Sir that I knew I was in full on Bitch mode. It makes total sense that the happy silly smiling girl, for hours after the scene would turn into the mean, short tempered woman I was last night.

Don’t really know if it’s gone or not. I went to the gym and laundromat and thankfully both were really empty. I’m working from home with no meetings and no work to do. My bosses way of giving me a day off without using my time.

Let’s see what one of my many personalities greet the two repair men coming to fix things in the apartment today?

The weather is finally nice here and it’s a real shame that Sir is not here to enjoy it. I still have the ac on during the day, but soon enough that will stop too. Planning on letting my ocd a bit loose today, clearing out old clothes that no longer fit and junk drawers that are filled with lord knows what. I also have to start on my Halloween costume. Thanks to amazon I have almost all of the pieces and they fit well, nothing so far needs to go back.

I’m also going to make a few lists…things that time has worn and need to be replaced in the house, like towels and that type of nonsense. I like fall, it’s a time that I purge and get the house prepared for the long cold months to come. I guess I’m trying to rush it, but I miss smelling that crispness in the air.

Oh and the dogs…..I think one last short cut for the end of the summer. then yoga. That’s my day. As long as I limit my social interactions, I think I should be ok. I sent little R to voicemail and am staying clear of anyone with a Russian accent. I have a game plan.

I kinda got nothing today….

nothing much to say that is.

Life is going by at a good speed.

Had a vanilla girls night and it was pretty nice and stress free. I cooked the food I would have gotten rid of from sirs last visit.

Great sleeping weather and my tummy is starting to calm down. Im still uncomfortable but it’s not too bad. Wish I was still in bed.

Sir and I spoke of the divorce last night. It sucks but needs to happen.

See nothing much….

No bucket list?

last night, out with my shadow and I told him all about the weekend.

Then he asks “what’s next on your kinky bucket list?”

I took a moment and it hit me….. I’ve got nothing…..

What a weird thought. I have no adventures that I would do left undone.

We had a nice yet short night….

Aside from that, I’ve got nothing. I spend the day with my mother. A couple of hours fighting with her. I really would rather not relive it.

I forgot, or purposely blocked out what took place in the car on the way to the party friday. My ex, finally got a firs under his ass to clear up the IRS stuff friday, even giving me proof that it’s done. I knew that means only one thing, she’s pressing him to file the papers.

So he texted me something, I forget, but asking if I still need the insurance. I tell him no, do what u need to do, I’ll get my own.

Then I ask him to please not serve me with no notice. That’s something he would do. He says he would never, but I’m pretty sure, yup, he would.

It’s not that I want my old life back. 

I told my mother that it’s just another court document proving I’ve failed at life and I should frame it along with my bantupcy, foreclosure and short sale paperwork. After an hour I was able to finally say, it’s not I failed at marriage, I did everything I could to make it work, I failed at picking the right husband. So true and so sad.

So im glad that I did the suspension and not impact play. My emotions were running way too high.

I’ll be happy when it’s over, but sad, I do see it as a failure and I have a real problem with that.