Wishing to dissapear 

I get in these moods sometimes. They manifest in a few ways.

When I’m really bad, I stop eating, the smaller I am the closer to not existing I become. Now I’m in no way suicidal, I just need to take a rest.

So my need to dissapear this time is just telling most people im unavailable. Only Sir, N and FGD know im not starting classes until tomorrow.

This weekend and last week has me reevaluating a few friendships. There are two things that I can’t stand, drama and jealousy. Don’t create problems that aren’t there. Don’t be friends with me if you can not accept I have many friends, you will not be my main focus.

I think little R and I will be ending our friendship friday and im rather relieved. She can only have one good friend at a time and for now it’s not me. This is mostly because the other woman has money and pays her way. Congrats and good luck. In full high school style she choose social media to tell me this, posting an event we spoke many times of going to and tagging the other woman instead of me. She does t know the other woman as well as I do and she won’t put up with a fraction of the crap I do. Little R is more likely to listen to her because of the monietary rewards. Thank you for proving what a shitty person you really are.

Oh and I didn’t realize it until this morning L is another one on the quick road out of my life. He was telling me about the party they all went to without me and he was pissed because Fdg played with everyone and no one played with him, oh fucking boo hoo. I’ve gone to plenty of parties and not played. He was being really passive Agressive and I think expected me to say… Oh don’t worry next time we will play. Guess again buddy, next to me Sir will be in and he’s the only one of the “doms” I’ll be with. Problem L is a sub, sorry but that’s the truth. In the world of vanilla he’s a great friend, but when it comes to being part of a community, he should just stick with his wife and not be part of a group. He had left the party and walked around the city for two hours, now that right there is a bitch move.  Oh I’ll leave so when I come back people will feel bad, yes, unless you return and no one noticed you left. A part of me feels bad, but that’s a bitch move.

My advise to him, stay home if m is not well enough to go out. He also started to talk shit about N. That’s when I told him very plainly, my friends are my friends, you don’t have to be friends with them. I tried to put together a group that would get along to go to parties, but if you can’t play nice, that’s fine too. My inner monologue being go back to fucking paddles.

Then he said how I have so many friends. He made a shitty comment on the sly implicating I play with them all. I set him straight right away. Told him, currently my only play partner outside of the public stiff is the female and to calm his fantasies right down. Just because I’m your friend doesn’t mean I’m going to fuck you.

It’s a shame ba ause with this small part of the conversation removed 90% of brunch was enjoyable. He thinks he’s smart and manipulative but to me that just comes across as petty and passive. He doesn’t know he tried to out bitch a bitch.

I really have a hard time with ending friendships but I’m learning to make boundaries clearer. 

I feel like all I do is complain. Play, drop, complain, repeat….. I need a vacation, alone, on an island somewhere.

6 thoughts on “Wishing to dissapear ”

  1. Sounds like you did awesome standing up for you self. 🙂
    So what fun, rewarding, life affirming things can you plan for yourself? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this, “I really have a hard time with ending friendships but I’m learning to make boundaries clearer.” This is something I’ve struggled a great deal with over these last few years and slowly I’m getting rid of the toxic, passive aggressive, drama prone, gossipy types. It’s hard because some were very close, but toxic is toxic and I don’t have time for people like that. Good for you for letting these people go. It’s hard, but worth it in the long run.

    Liked by 1 person

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