Change of Plans

Yesterday had many possibilities. I didn’t know if the party the night before would extend into the day time hours or end early. My tummy not at 100%, I didn’t want to plan anything too stressful.

The original plan was head to queens and spend the day pool side with a swingers couple. They are pretty low stress and not pushy, but the idea of any sexual contact was just blahx3. Then there was the thought of contacting little R. Yeah, not low stress, so I passed on that. Called C, she’s still being a total bitchy bear and was going for an epidural in her neck, yeah, pass on that one too. So that left only one thing….head to the beach. SMG is back from her big very long trip and hanging with her is always a nice thing for the soul. She sweet and nice and just the right amount of catty. Plus we all know the same people and share most of the same opinions.

It was good to unload some of the drama that the others have caused onto a sympathetic ear. Plus I got to show her the pics from the party.

(pause for a trip to the laundrymat)

Sadly the effects of the rope have worn off. My mind is back in a full speed ahead state. it goes from thoughts like why is L such a passive aggressive asshat? To this creepy bastard better stop staring at me folding my laundry, to I hope Sir like my Halloween costume, to Fuck, what am I getting him for his birthday….and on and on.

L and I had a long chat the other day about his little verbal digs. He needs to knock it off. My group is no longer a group in large part due to him. I’m ok with it. Maintaining a group dynamic took too much energy. I basically told them all, they are all my friends, but they don’t have to be friends with each other and lets leave it at that. The bible chick is getting into some really messed up territory and is about to get herself banned from the parties. Her shady ways and other stuff won’t be tolerated by the powers that be for much longer, so I’ve put a good deal of distance between us. We will still hang out in vanilla land, she’s really not a bad person outside of the lifestyle. She knows when she starts her fake drama act, I’ll stop her and tell her to get over it, we are not in high school. Funny I think I can tell her these things because I honestly don’t care if she likes me or not. The people I care about I’m never as direct with, unless they get me to the breaking point.

Speaking of breaking points, ugh I have to deal with the mother today. My only saving grace is that after that I will be meeting my adorable little shadow for some jazz and a drink.

Guess it’s time to head to the gym….can’t sit here typing this nonsense all day.

Missing Sir, could use a good strong hug.



To share with Sir

from the very first suspension party I had said to sir, I want that. To fly, to be beautiful, free and tied up.

For almost 2 years I’ve watched other have suspension scenes watched the different riggers interact with the bottoms. I was always impressed with one. He was less showy, very careful and he connected, touching and holding his bottoms. His scene extended past the actually act and the untieing look just as magical.

When I went through the hip shots I reached out to him, thinking I was all better. We know each other from parties and a mutual friend. Then my back went out and he had a problem with his hands. Neither of us were attending the same parties and it was a logistical nightmare.

During Sirs last visit, he said that if FGD was there and could take pics he would let me do my suspension without being there.

I feel bad that I did not share this very important first with him, but I think if he was there I may not have been able to loose myself so completely.

Tonight was N’s temporary retirement party. We walked into the party, greeted our friends, I turned around and the normal rigger was not there. Instead the one I had been talking to was.

Finally….. The stars aligned and I was able to fly!!

Knowing my injuries he made sure both the chest and hip harness were super supportive and as I went up, pure, absolute magic!!

The endorphins were the highest I’ve yet to experience. I told sir after I could still feel them rushing from my toes up my body. Two hours later im still rushing and happy, so god damn happy!!! Giddy like a school girl.

There was a good connection, lots of touch and good hugs. After we were both drenched and smiling. 

I drank about a gallon of water and sat on the floor with my head in N’s lap. 

I now understand how bg felt and why she is such a rope bunny.

I really wish you could have been there sir, for however long that scene was…. I was free of every ounce of stress. I was perfect and flying, like I did when I danced.

Like a good girl, I sent him a long note of thanks. 

And now this, to say thank you for allowing me this pleasure Sir, it was a wondrous thing:)

Searching for balance 

this visit sir saw a new side of me and it wasn’t a good one. He knows from our many conversations that my interactions with others really affect me.

The occasional freak outs that I have a started by others actions. 

After my visit with fet girl and the widow he saw what would normally be a prelude to me calling him in an uber emotional state.

He had never seen the anger, hurt and sadness that comes before I make my calls to him. 

This time he saw it…..this time he put me on his lap and calmed me down. 

Im trying to find a way to balance feeling too much or nothing at all. I have no inbetween setting.


I noticed today that my sleep when sir is in sucks. Last night I slept like the dead. I think it’s because everytime he moves I wake up.

I really have nothing to say today, im just existing. Little R cancelled our plans. She says we will meet up tomorrow…. Sure, whatever.

N is coming over for her last free girls night. I don’t know what I’m going to do when her husband returns. She’s my partner in crime and my constant companion. Plus FGD is going to be devestated. I think I may take a little break from the parties. They just won’t be the same without her.

Well time to go work…..

Safe home

thank you for being there for me last night. It was very hard to see her so small and broken.

I know I let my empathy get in the way of my life. Im going to try not too. It was just hard seeing how frail she is.

I didn’t realize how much the events of last year still affect us and how badly it changed the dynamic of our once tight group.

I’ve tried to replace them with new friends, but sadly that’s not possible:(

I hope your trip home is quick and I just wanted to thank you for calming me down and holding me on your lap. It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten that angry and sad at the same time, but you being there made it much more bareable.

Break over

this trip I really just wanted to enjoy seeing sir again, so sorry no blog.

Today he returns home. The heat got to us both and most of our plans were postponed. We did get some good quality time together.

Im not saying we hide from the heat wave for the entire trip….we went on a burlesque/jazz cruise, went to the couples house for a play party, even hit a party in the city, had friends over for dinner. 

The issue was when I was well, he was not and vise versa….. Historically this is just AUGUST for us. 

I feel guilty it wasn’t more, but against the odds I know I tried to make it a good visit.

Next one will be better……sirs birthday!!

Hope you get home safe…..your mushy slave

I like my bubble

Sir and I often speak of the bubble I live in, but I don’t think I ever explained that this hasn’t always been so.

It’s no great secret that I wake up too early, but I’m not a morning person at all. I require a minimum of 3 hours of silence before I can speak with out the mega bitch showing her medusa face.

I was reading a friend blog on another media site and she posted a link about waking up positively. The first thing is no tv. 

” I encourage you to just enjoy your coffee or breakfast for about twenty minutes. Turning on the TV is one of the most insidious things you can do. The news can have such a negative impact on you that you might not even realize it. The news is generally about everything that’s wrong in the world and this is the first thing you become exposed to in the morning.”

This is actually how my bubble started. After the break up with the ex, I’d put the news on to check trafgic and the weather. Somehow Id end up hearing a story that would land me in tears. So I stopped, got rid of cable so it wasn’t even there to temp me.

So then I decided to get the times weekender but that also depressed me, it showed me events, vacations and lifestyles I am not intitled to. So I cancelled that.

That leaves me where I am… Oh I still do read the headlines and am aware of the world I live in but I don’t let the really bad stuff into my bubble.

Tonight Sir arrives, it’s been too long. I almost forget what he feels like.

The chiropractor broke me….

no, not really. I think it was more too much denial. I believe I had a total sexual shut down.

For the first time my brain overtook my body and basically gave Sir a big middle finger. Side note: totally getting my period and it explains my less than nice mood.

He said put the clovers on my clit and after an eye roll, nothing….. I stood there like, crap, not even the slightest bit of pain or pleasure. It was like my body was numb.

Then hitachi on the chain….. Yup, same shit, no reaction. See what I know is doing these physical tasks myself is never what gets me off, it was doing it for him that causes the reaction.

My very spiteful brain decided, Nope, too much denial. Not complying. Yet as what will happen, my vanilla clit eventually gave in and with no pain and just the wand started to come back to life. It wasn’t a conscience reaction. 

After on good orgasm I was a bit better. The problem is I’ve been shut down to sir….. Not on purpose. 

He said something that freaked me out a bit. He asked if I only come from spanking. Oh the horror of that thought. For a few minutes I really thought it might be true. 

The house is ready and tonight is just last minute stuff and me prep. N will stop by for a bit. 

I really have nothing else. Im trying to shut out all of the stressful people today. I have enough of my own shit to deal with.

Wait there was one thing….. For the first time in years I slept in the middle of the bed. I know that sounds like nothing but I haven’t done that since 2005. It’s like a claim on my independence. Lol, the independant slave….

People are stupid

i swear I work and surround myself with morons.

I’d love to expand on this, but this work day has me contemplating going home early.

Lots of shit happened yesterday that isn’t worth the time or effort to write. Sir I believe thinks that I am too affected by others, but I’m tired of feeling like a puppet having my strings pulled. 

My mother started a battle with my aunt and on top of the other stuff, im now caught in that. Yesterday an aunt from my fathers side posted a baby pic of me and my paternal grandmother and now I get to read how much they miss her. She was fucking evil. Plus my sister is going on and on…. Makes me want to puke.

Funny how in death, they canonize people that in life were real pieces of shit. 

I wish I could have stayed asleep today. 

Instead as soon as im out of here, back to the Chiro and prep the house for sir. Right now his visit is the only bright spot I have.

Back here again

i didn’t realize how much I missed this mad house. 

Oddly (knocking on wood) it’s pretty calm in the office today.

So yesterday I kinda broke my me day declaration. I sent a text to C, something told me she needed to get out. Asked her to join me at the beach. Knowing she’s in a mood I told her I’d take the bus there. She was twisted that I didn’t want to go to a concert the night before. In my defense, it was outside and there was a threat of thunderstorms. 

Plus what I didn’t quite get at the time the band was a typical one hit wonder and the song they sang was one I associate with my exhusband and i’s initial separation. It was actually on a play list called “fuck you, I want a divorce”.

So back to yesterday….. I give her directions and she says she’s leaving. Im half way there and figure she should arrive a few minutes after me.

Im laying there and 45 minutes pass. Cell reception is poor, so I pack my stuff and go to the boardwalk. Text her “eta?”. I get back 15min. Ok maybe there was traffic. So I call to explain where I’ll be and she says 15 minutes before she leaves the house. Wtf, she then said why are you leaving? I tell her I’ve been on the beach almost an hour already. See if I stay on the beach longer than 2 hours my face turns red and I get that horrible brown leather bag color that gives away the slight Italian part of my heritage. So I say yes, by the time you get here I’ll be on my walk to coney. 

She then blames her daughter, turns out that was bs. She ended up going back to bed. Later I get more passive Agressive posts on social media. She was fighting with her husband. So for a bit, im going to check on her from a distance. Im getting her redirected anger and I really don’t deserve it.

So after that I said go back to the plan…. Stay with the idea of a day of selfishness. I told sir, im shutting my phone off. I went back to the beach, picked a new spot. The people near by we’re playing music that I could pretend I was on a beach in Cuba or Pr. After I walked to coney then walked to the end of the peir and back to get my bus.

Came home blasted music, cooked, sang and cleaned. By 8pm I was fighting sleep, so exhausted in a very good way.

Side note: Luna balls don’t work anymore, sorry sir, but they do nothing for me. It feels more annoying than anything else, like a too big tampon:(