It’s been a while, but yesterday many people disappointed me, so today is my day.

There is a list of things just for me to do, just for me to enjoy and no outside distractions to get in my way.

More later, gym up first, want to get there as the doors open so I get my favorite machine.

A week in Review?

It was exhausting, but had it’s bright moments.

I didn’t realize just how used to not commuting I had gotten, yet I did get to finally go inside of my most favorite building in te financial district and it didn’t disappoint. Totally art deco upon the entrance, but the offices were super modern and plush.

FGD works in the same building on a different floor, so we were able to lunch a couple of times, even meeting N on the last day.  I was even able to do some networking and see Female A. I really miss her and it’s a shame that our life’s are so busy.

The class I took was part of my promotion deal, it’s going to apply towards a certification that should boost my career in the next year or so. It was hard, boring, but I was able to see a few things I couldn’t before. Generally in my job, I’m the subject matter expert, involved in everything and unlike my coworkers I’ve had no formal education. This is the first class I’ve taken that has anything to do with my actual field that I’ve been in for the last 15 years. Having said that, I know understand that the amount of knowledge I picked up by actually working far exceeds the people that stayed in school and took that path. in summary I was trapped in a class of people that knew in theory what they were doing with no practical knowledge or soft skills. It was frustrating to say the least. I can breathe and say, it’s over.

The good parts came all at lunch and after class. I was back in my element and made the most of it. Sitting in parks, meeting friends for drinks that would normally take to much planning to see otherwise.

Yesterday we finished up early. My plan was to meet Little R for a drink. Problem I had almost 3 hours to kill and the way our friendship has been going, I really didn’t think it was worth the effort, not to mention that I’m pretty piss poor, like I paid for eggs with quarters kind of poor. Totally my own fault as I didn’t say no to lending my mother money. It was the spending money I had set aside for this week. So I started to walk and figured if I was still in the city by the time she got out of work, then I would stay…….I made a mental list of my favorite stores and places to see and hot everyone of them, some twice. 18,000 steps later, I met her.

My last 15 bucks in my pocket I tell her one drink then if she still wants to hang out, it needs to be somewhere free. I had scoped out the happy hour specials and we were able to get a seat outside. Now here is where we (meaning just about every friend I have except C and N). If I was doing well financially, I would say, don’t worry, I got this, you get next time. Great way to say I know times can be financially tough, but it’s a “loan”. Now what she can’t see is all the times we hang out, I never show up to her house empty handed. When I invite her over, contrary to what she will say, her favorite wine is in the fridge and I do buy stuff for her to eat. Alas, when you take the mother role, common courtesy leaves the equation. So we sit down, look at the menu, I order a 4 dollar beer. I think great, I had a big lunch and I’ll have 2 drinks and head home. She orders a drink and food and then says, oh just give me your money and I’ll pay with my card. Fine, we split the food and I go to order a second drink, but she had asked for the check, thanks….it was a real whatever moment. The reason this got to me is because she has replaced me with someone who is a sugar momma to her. I’m not asking for that, but when you give me a hard time about not wanting to kill 3 hours waiting for you and then pull a cheap move like that, it makes me evaluate you as a person. So sorry sir when you get here, there will be coffee and juice, no midnight snacks:(

The conversation was another thing. She says so where did we leave off? I say with you cursing me out. I’m done trying to be anything but straight forward with her. She said I didn’t curse you out, I cursed your actions. Same shit. I tell her in that moment she would not talk and another friend was there crying and yes that means I’m going to take care of the person who is with me first. I didn’t abandon her I made her wait 5 minutes.

We dropped the subject and she said so what do you know? I tell her that I knoe she’s back with her asshole ex. She assumes I talked her only other friend and I explain, no I’m just not stupid and if he would have left, she would have called me. She then suggests we never mention him in out friendship and I tell her no, that is not something that is possible and if we want to play a game of catch up on our lives he’s part of it. I’m not in high school. So then she tells me he brought her a ring, shows me a pic of it and it’s nothing that she wants. ok, where is it? Well he hasn’t given it to her. God, open your eyes, he knows he can’t live without you and he’s said it. She thinks he loves her so much and that’s what the phrase means, but no, he’s much closer to my age and what he means is he really has no life without her. He will have no place to live and will not be able to afford life unless she is there by his side. So she goes on to say that she asked for three things, him to work on getting a better job, affection (in her world that means sex) and a ring. So good job asshat, you fucked her raw this past weekend, brought a second hand ring from ebay, and made a resume that you sent no where. She’s blind to see how she just got played. In the midst of this she mentions a pic she took this week that people were giving her shit over, so I say oh, the one where your heads to big and you look like an Olsen twin? At least it made her laugh. She then slips and says in an indirect way, she can’t have me being thinner than her. Oh god, really. I tell her she looks like a bobble head and there’s nothing wrong with her running, but she needs to eat more than a salad a day.

By this point I’m kinda done. Then we change the subject as she says yes mom to something. I giver her the look of death and tell her she hasn’t earned the right to call me that again. I don’t think she understood what that meant. We leave and sit on a bench enjoying a smoke and the breeze. I know, it’s time to go home.

Funny side note as we meet up, who should come walking down the street a few blocks away from his building? FGD. He is infatuated with her and even enjoys her childish ways. We chat for a few moments and he asks if she going to come out with us? I say no, knowing she back with the asshat. Then she says something snarky and he mentions how itchy his hand is, in Russian she says my ass is not for you. The English translation sounds nice, but it is more meant as go fuck yourself. I think she only got him even more excited.

I know Sir that sometimes she sets me into a bad mood, but yesterday she didn’t. I just see our friendship for what it is and I’m ok with that. All I typed her is an analysis, not a rant of emotions. Sometimes that gets lost in the written word.

I’m looking forward to returning to a normal routine Monday, who would have thought …, looking forward to Monday:)

Wishing to dissapear 

I get in these moods sometimes. They manifest in a few ways.

When I’m really bad, I stop eating, the smaller I am the closer to not existing I become. Now I’m in no way suicidal, I just need to take a rest.

So my need to dissapear this time is just telling most people im unavailable. Only Sir, N and FGD know im not starting classes until tomorrow.

This weekend and last week has me reevaluating a few friendships. There are two things that I can’t stand, drama and jealousy. Don’t create problems that aren’t there. Don’t be friends with me if you can not accept I have many friends, you will not be my main focus.

I think little R and I will be ending our friendship friday and im rather relieved. She can only have one good friend at a time and for now it’s not me. This is mostly because the other woman has money and pays her way. Congrats and good luck. In full high school style she choose social media to tell me this, posting an event we spoke many times of going to and tagging the other woman instead of me. She does t know the other woman as well as I do and she won’t put up with a fraction of the crap I do. Little R is more likely to listen to her because of the monietary rewards. Thank you for proving what a shitty person you really are.

Oh and I didn’t realize it until this morning L is another one on the quick road out of my life. He was telling me about the party they all went to without me and he was pissed because Fdg played with everyone and no one played with him, oh fucking boo hoo. I’ve gone to plenty of parties and not played. He was being really passive Agressive and I think expected me to say… Oh don’t worry next time we will play. Guess again buddy, next to me Sir will be in and he’s the only one of the “doms” I’ll be with. Problem L is a sub, sorry but that’s the truth. In the world of vanilla he’s a great friend, but when it comes to being part of a community, he should just stick with his wife and not be part of a group. He had left the party and walked around the city for two hours, now that right there is a bitch move.  Oh I’ll leave so when I come back people will feel bad, yes, unless you return and no one noticed you left. A part of me feels bad, but that’s a bitch move.

My advise to him, stay home if m is not well enough to go out. He also started to talk shit about N. That’s when I told him very plainly, my friends are my friends, you don’t have to be friends with them. I tried to put together a group that would get along to go to parties, but if you can’t play nice, that’s fine too. My inner monologue being go back to fucking paddles.

Then he said how I have so many friends. He made a shitty comment on the sly implicating I play with them all. I set him straight right away. Told him, currently my only play partner outside of the public stiff is the female and to calm his fantasies right down. Just because I’m your friend doesn’t mean I’m going to fuck you.

It’s a shame ba ause with this small part of the conversation removed 90% of brunch was enjoyable. He thinks he’s smart and manipulative but to me that just comes across as petty and passive. He doesn’t know he tried to out bitch a bitch.

I really have a hard time with ending friendships but I’m learning to make boundaries clearer. 

I feel like all I do is complain. Play, drop, complain, repeat….. I need a vacation, alone, on an island somewhere.