Hat trick Friday aka fu Becky!

Wow, busy but done.

At least I hope so. I pulled off the first hat trick in my department. Three projects to signed off in a day. I’m mentally exhausted.

Oh and I’m slaughtering Becky in our walking competition. 

I even had a good morning, dropping the couple of pounds I had put on and an inch on my waist. 

Tomorrow I was planning on shutting my cell off and I still will, but not until the afternoon. I have a repair man coming for my window and n’s son to take out the ac. 

But right after, I disconnect. It’s still going to be a busy day, but I need to stop getting random shorty texts, even if just for a day.

Just be grateful 

I’m a little calmer now.

Just a little, I received an email from crazy lady, it made me cry. It made me stop and think, think that I hurt no one with my rage. No one but me. 

So I’m going to be grateful.

I have Sir.

FGD and N


L from work.

The couple

Beautiful o

Hell, even that bitch Becky 🙂

I need to take myself out of the bad place, I will run tonight like I’m in a damn horror movie.

Do not take my kindness as a weakness….

Because when I’ve had enough I will fuck your entire world up.

When I walked into work today I had this feeling, not dread, but more along the lines of today being a day I would remember. A day that would change me.

Turns out after the shit storm of a morning, im right. From this point on, I’m not dealing with the crap anymore, nope, I’m done. 

There’s many people out there that are going to feel the impact of this very sudden change. 

Sorry, not sorry.

I’m no ones doormat. 

For now, I’m staying quiet. If I utter a single word to any of them it will come out as a hail storm of evil. Today is a day I’m spitting daggers and really not caring who gets caught In the cross fire or what the repercussions of saying what I actually think.

Damn that dress

Back at work and it’s busier tha. It has been in a year. I have two meeting and have to write a document by tomorrow that should take about three days to complete. My deadlines are way too tight, but I can do it.

I just needed a break from this damn thing. So cute little story…

I get into the car today and L is shaking her head. So I’m like “what, what did I do now?”

She says if ever there’s a day I’m feeling down about myself, just know I have a fan club. 

I look at her puzzled. She starts naming her and the hubbies friends that all went to her saying they have crushes on me. All very young boys. I laughed and said… it was the damned dress!!

So if any fourth somethings want a twenty something, here’s the secret. Wear a stunning dress, then bring jeans and a oversized sweater to change into, drink then under the table and remain sober, play cards against humanity the way only a kinkster could, inhale pizza and wine, then announce it was nice meeting everyone and leave????? 

For nothing else between that and compliments from Sir, I feel good about my looks today, now back to work for me:(

The wedding

The past few weeks much of my time has been spent in preparation for the wedding.

L from worked walked down the isle yesterday and for the first time I cried. I’m not the weepy type at weddings, I usually reserve my tears for funerals. These were happy tears.

The chaos started the day before.

Her hair stylist told her the price he was charging and then said for the bridesmaids it would be 150 a girl, just for the hair. WTF……???? This was not red carpet hair they were asking for, so I told L, listen, how many are there? I knew I might have to do one or two and maybe help with the makeup, but I told her “tell him to go fuck himself, I got this. I will do them all plus your makeup” I also told her whatever money they would have paid me, give to you and crack open my envelope, that will cover his fee for your hair.

My cab was originally set for 6:30, I told her move it up an hour and I will wake up by 4, so that when I get there, I’ll be totally awake and ready and just need to slip on my dress at the hall. PS, due to my nerves I was up and going at 3:30 am.

Thank god I did, the ass hole took 2 hours on her alone, that left me a whole 20 minutes for her makeup and we headed to the hall with it half done. So , me, who hasn’t done a bridal party in almost a decade, did for waterfall braids and barrel curls in the time this overpriced ass did just the bride and I really hate to say it, but it was something she could have gone to the 10 Chinese place and gotten the same thing.

The wedding itself was beautiful, the food was great. Her husband and friends did the dance “all the single ladies”, a tribute to last Halloween when these big chubby Irish guys went in full drag and heels to a Halloween party. Little R was there with her stupid boyfriend. He said Hi and bye and that was it. He doesn’t care enough about her to even say anything about the fights they’ve been having due to what he views as my fault. R looked beautiful, yet way too slutty. She was initially pissed because I didn’t wear the dress she lent me. God I could never wear that to anything but a high school prom themed fetish party, it was horrible and just not something anyone my age should wear.

What I did end up wearing was amazing and hurt, oh god did it hurt! I told Sir it makes my Fetish clothes seem comfortable. I actually have bruises on my legs from this dress. One of the bridesmaids had worn the same dress to a wedding the week before. I asked her the most important question, “How did you pee?” Sadly she tried to pull it up and ended up ripping it, so I had to have a spotter all night to unzip and zip me. I almost want to go to the next sample sale and buy it, rent the runway has one coming up and even the amount of pain it caused, it was a stunner. I looked like a classy Betty Boop. It was nice to see some tangible proof of the hard work I’ve put in since last march.

After the wedding was over a group of about 15 headed back to their apartment. The one bridesmaid that I was going to cab home with puked outside of her house, so in an effort not to be covered in vomit, I stayed longer than I had intended. I helped the puker clean up and change, got her into the cab with her boyfriend and headed back up for a short game of Cards against humanity. Since the dress was now off and I could breathe, I inhaled a slice of pizza, the food at the wedding was great, but I could only sample it for fear of “the dress”.

Back home and my bed had never felt so good.

As I left big hugs and tears from the bride thanking me for all I’ve put up with in the past year she planned the wedding and for coming through at the last minute. Truth, I knew from the second we set the plans to do the makeup, I’d end up stepping in at the last minute. That is the reason I no longer work  doing bridal parties.

Today I’m off, really not to sleep in, but to unwind, to let the stress I carried for her dissipate.

Changing gears

It’s been three full days since the text message that sent my heart to a dark place.

I’m now realizing it’s a good thing, it woke me up to the fact that I put way to much effort into really needy people and allow the good ones to sit by the sidelines.

Little R cancelled again and lies about the reason why, so in the most polite way I called her out on it and haven’t heard from her since. The reason I’d been holding back on doing that is the fear she’d put me to yet another coworker, but… fuck it, I deserve to be respected.

Yesterday I got a nice unexpected text that said… what you doing tonight? Wine? This was from l at works friend that lives not far. I tell her well I have all these things, then the gym, your welcome to join. She says I’ll pass, not really wanting the gym thing (totally fine with that) I say I’ll meet u after, text you at the gym and give you an hours heads up? To most I deal with there would have been pouting and feet stamping, resulting in me being alone on a Friday night, but she said sure.

It was nice, easy, two glasses of wine, please tell conversation. Both of us had a hard week and we just needed to be alone, together.

I also spoke with my friend from vanilla land that I occasionally Donne. She went through a similar rejection from her family and lost her nieces in the battle over her lifestyle choices. We ended the conversation both texting… love you, people suck, at the same time.

I am still looking at my friendships and making an effort to cut the drama, embrace the good ones and say goodbye to those I may love but give me pain. The most fucked up part, I loose my goddaughter. 

Plan for the short term

I’ve always had the 5 year plan. Who knows maybe it’s an as you get older thing, 5 years is just too long of a time? Or maybe it’s that I have gotten to the point I have no long term goals, or the things that take a long time are just not in my future?

Instead I’m going month by month. I took my spending money and gave myself three things to look forward to. A Halloween trip to pa, a ball with Sir, and a mountain yoga event with my yoga girls. I think it will be worth living like a college student for a couple of weeks.

I’m excited for these things and I really think they will give me the balance I’m looking for. 

I’ve also been contemplating going to more social lifestyle events rather than play parties. 

With all of the good non kinky stuff planned, I don’t want to miss out on things because I was getting a spanking until 6 am.

Yet going strictly vanilla won’t give me balance either. Sir mentioned more time with o. I like that idea, she’s really one of the good ones. Oh and n is going to be able to come to the ball! That news this morning made me happy.

I think she’s the only thing getting me through getting dumped by c. After 24 years a text saying I don’t know you anymore while at work really hit hard. Not going to harp on it, but it’s there, right under the surface.

Things I never say

There was a time in my life, there were things I would never say. “Sorry I was a bitch” “I don’t mean to be like this” “I can’t just get over things”. It was the same time in my life I said things I never say now. “I love you” “you mean the world to me”. 

I’ll throw out a text….u2, even when my mother ends a conversation says love and miss you.

I say “miss you” too much.

I didn’t notice this until yesterday. Our day to day vocabulary speaks volumes about our lives.

Sir may not realize how much I speak to him as opposed to others. I tell him what I feel, usually when I feel it. There are many times I don’t want to or can’t find the words, or even worse, they come out as anger, an explosion even. 

But I’m trying….

I hope that is enough.

I know, not the happiest blog, but read between the lines and you’ll see it’s hopeful. 

What’s wrong with you?

Last night Sirasked me if I remembered calling him about a month after we started talking and asking him that question.

Lol, I don’t, but it’s a totally valid question to ask someone you don’t know well. Sadly it’s something most people don’t.

Funny when I think of how I would answer that question…. I think at first I’d say nothing. After thinking more I could give a list that would take up an entire sticky pad.

This morning there’s lots of little R drama. Shitty part? She’s coming to l’s wedding and was or maybe is taking her boyfriend. He really needs to respect that he might hate me, but the wedding is not a place to air that out. Stupid girl she is when asked why he did t take her alluded to the fact that I didn’t want him there. It’s totally true, but really? The truth is I didn’t invite her, she in it’s herself, so she needs to take the blame. In hindsight, I should have told her no. Dealt with her being mad at me.

Top this off by not feeling great. Plan is to get what I need done and then go to crazy lady. She usually makes me feel better.

Sir leaves today, I’ll miss him, but really don’t want to get him sick. Last night I was in bed super early, lots of cold medicine. Mix that with the drop im going through and I’m super mushy and sad.

I’m glad Sir had a good birthday and I really wish I could have been there more for him these last couple of days.