Today is the elephant in the room. Sir and I have made no mention of it this year. We have had conversations surrounding the event I’m taking part in….but that’s it.
Every year I try to somehow heal. Most times I end up in a puddle of my own tears extremely drunk and always alone. I’ve tried many times to break this cycle. Last year I almost did by drinking myself sober.
The problem with seeking out friends on this day….every one of them is going through there own thing. I have not one untouched by the events of 15 years ago.
I worked myself into a frenzy of productivity yesterday, while still trying to be there for N. She’s having a harder time than she thought she would dealing with her husbands return. I was so distracted that I locked myself out and her son had to come by with my spare set of keys. I sent him home with a bar of really quality dark chocolate for her. When it was finally time to say good night to sir, I was physically drained. I had prepped by eating very well to make certain I had the energy needed for today, but I couldn’t stay awake another moment or so I thought.
As soon as I closed my eyes, the memories came back. The fear of being stuck out on the waters, trapped, so very fucking alone in a crowd of people all in the midst of a nervous breakdown of their own. The not knowing if I was going to make it back home or if I was destine to die on my way to work. Truth is no one knows the experience that each one of us went through that day. They were all terrifying. So bad that even my childlike mother acted like a mother. It was the day I lost a big part of me. Many lost other people and I’m in no way saying my issues are worse, I was lucky in the fact that I had lost many but none with a direct impact. I know Sir has and he doesn’t like to speak of it, can’t say I blame him.
Today is like the ultimate mind fuck, the biggest trigger….A direct rode to amelt-down of epic proportion. I’m prepared for it. At some point, people are going to breakdown at this event. A “mindful triathlon”, lol, in a city on the verge of a perpetually nervous breakdown. I totally get the organizers thoughts on the timeing of the event. I’m wishing we all get the zen and inner peace that we have sought the past 15 years. I am very afraid of the meditation portion of this day. I don’t know that I can clear my mind.
I will try not only for me, but for Sir and my entire city. My one wish is to heal this wound that we rip open annually.