The quest for inner peace

Today is the elephant in the room. Sir and I have made no mention of it this year. We have had conversations surrounding the event I’m taking part in….but that’s it.

Every year I try to somehow heal. Most times I end up in a puddle of my own tears extremely drunk and always alone. I’ve tried many times to break this cycle. Last year I almost did by drinking myself sober.

The problem with seeking out friends on this day….every one of them is going through there own thing. I have not one untouched by the events of 15 years ago.

I worked myself into a frenzy of productivity yesterday, while still trying to be there for N. She’s having a harder time than she thought she would dealing with her husbands return. I was so distracted that I locked myself out and her son had to come by with my spare set of keys. I sent him home with a bar of really quality dark chocolate for her. When it was finally time to say good night to sir, I was physically drained. I had prepped by eating very well to make certain I had the energy needed for today, but I couldn’t stay awake another moment or so I thought.

As soon as I closed my eyes, the memories came back. The fear of being stuck out on the waters, trapped, so very fucking alone in a crowd of people all in the midst of a nervous breakdown of their own. The not knowing if I was going to make it back home or if I was destine to die on my way to work. Truth is no one knows the experience that each one of us went through that day. They were all terrifying. So bad that even my childlike mother acted like a mother. It was the day I lost a big part of me. Many lost other people and I’m in no way saying my issues are worse, I was lucky in the fact that I had lost many but none with a direct impact. I know Sir has and he doesn’t like to speak of it, can’t say I blame him.

Today is like the ultimate mind fuck, the biggest trigger….A direct rode to amelt-down of epic proportion. I’m prepared for it. At some point, people are going to breakdown at this event. A “mindful triathlon”, lol, in a city on the verge of a perpetually nervous breakdown. I totally get the organizers thoughts on the timeing of the event. I’m wishing we all get the zen and inner peace that we have sought the past 15 years. I am very afraid of the meditation portion of this day. I don’t know that I can clear my mind.

I will try not only for me, but for Sir and my entire city. My one wish is to heal this wound that we rip open annually.


The day before 

its all errands and adulting.

Tomorrow I test my limits in a new way. It’s a lets see just how good you really are. A mindful triathlon. With hundreds of other people. It’s much more than three events, as Sir was able to see when I sent him the full breakdown. From 10:45-5 running, yaga, meditation and aiReal. 

If I can do this…. Maybe I renew my goals, maybe not.

For now, a big list full of stuff that must be done and I will admit, I feeling a bit lazy about it.

How alike we are…

I told Sir some of the story of last night, but not all of it.

Afterwork I headed to the gym. Devine intervention and after a half hour my wireless headphones died. I can’t ever run without music, so I said fuck it, I hurt from the day before, l was coming for coffee and I needed a shower.

I never did get that shower…..

Coworker l (vanilla, kink-friendly, soon to be bride) needed to borrow my work laptop, so I took out stuff to cook dinner and she pulled up.

I never did get that dinner either….

She asked if I could run an errand involving getting her nana (sadly with the mental issues and health issues of my own) her nail color.

Sure, I get in the car as im shoving a peice of cheese on my mouth.

On the way back we start speaking of our biological fathers. Our last conversations were exactly the same ” you’re a peice of shit, I hope you die, you’re dead to me”.

Crappy part is when they do die.

Then we end up talking about how her fiancé has no clue as to the family dynamics we grew up in. Bith only children of too young and too drug addicted mothers that would bring home just about any man that would fuck them.

She started to tell me about how when she was 8 she packed her stuff and moved into her grandparents, both of us were raised mostly by our grandparents. She says ” do you know why?”. I did.

This was the around the time her mother got married the second time and if my history is any indicator, I said “he molested you”

Bingo, sadly the same age and same reaction as I had. I told her of my mothers boyfriend and the absuse. I also told her that it was one of the reasons I married who I did. He was safe. Likd her fiancé he came from a big family, no abuse, no big dysfunction.

She’s afraid she’s doing the same thing.

At that moment l says he’s here for coffee, so I couldn’t say, “oh hey bye, nice chat”. I told her look for parking and come in.

So one l met the other l.

We had a nice night of story telling and by the time they both left, the three of us were in much better moods.

Im still a bit droppy…different things are popping up and making me take a hard look at the mistakes I’ve made in the past. Im really tring to learn from them, but… Sometimes I feel destin to repeat them.

I hide

sometimes its literal, sometimes figurative.

Right now it’s both.

I had a great gym night. Crazy lady came back. I missed her horribly.

I woke up fine….

Now, boom, Blah, tears….hiding. Hiding from the vanillas, hiding from my boss, hiding from me.

I still after 2 years, can’t comprehend how such high highs are followed by terrible lows. I say everytime I drop, no, never again, this shits just not worth it.


its weird, that’s exactly how I feel right now. I’ve noticed I get really weird emotionally a couple of days after I play.

It’s not drop, but a hopelessness that comes over me a day or so before. I know now that was the reason in my first blog I would over work myself at the gym and then drink.

It’s really the main problem I have with the lack of physical access to Sir. I feel stranded inside of my own head.

I forget what it’s like to be in a relationship that has no demographic restrictions. I went right from my exhusband who was never there, like never, ever around to the ex Dom that lived two hours away with a wife and child, to sir that’s in another state.

I like my alone time, I really do, but….sometimes it’s just too much. I’ve been tasking myself with doing so many things with so many people that I feel even more solidtude  than ever.

Everyone in my life gets a small peice of me and sometimes when I lay my head down at night all that’s left is the scary part. 

The voice that says “what the fuck is wrong with you?”

How can you even stand to be around you? What is wrong in your head?

And on and on and on…….

Yet I get up, get dressed, fake a smile and go on.

Geography teacher or sadist?

Was it a game show or a fetish party.

I found out later to the casual observer, it looked like a really intense scene, but for those who knew what was going on……nope it was much more.

The couple had their end of summer thank you party. Private invite, no cover and just their favorite people. FGD and I went. So much for my staying out of the parties for a while.

 Oops now it’s two days later and im sitting on the most horribly bruised ass finishing this post.

Sir has had enough of my New Yorker view of the country and has me  on Wikipedia daily. Each day a new state.

So when begging to cum, this leads to a torment of a new kind. Who did we buy Alaska from. Name a famous person from Alabama. I screamed Russia, as a russian was beating my ass…or I thought I did because I don’t speak well during a scene. I call back yelling Helen Keller, ha this time in English.

After scene two…answer Mississippi, but spell it!!! I’ve never worked that hard to cum in my life.

After I was chatting with the bartender and he complimented the scene, then I explained the reason I kept yelling, he was firing laughing.

As much as I love the firehose, I know now I really need to back off a bit. The bruises are black, not purple….. And swollen even after Arcania. FGD checked on me many times, he was worried about the marks as well. In total I took 70-80 hits with the hose, plus hand and belt. If I had to guess between both scenes, who knows the grand total…

To do list…

deleted all kinky things from my phone.

Be sure to shut down Fet on my browser 

Finish cooking or sarve

Blow dry hair for the first time in three months

Get facial

Pack stuff for tomorrow

Kick beckys ass!

Tell Sir I miss him

Secretly jump up and down over the coming storm (I really don’t want to ride a bike and get hurt before next weekend)

Hope to work from home tuesday….and study really, really biring crap

Vanilla D/S

Cute side note, the above meme was sent to me the other day by Little R.

Yesterday was ok….nothing great.

I had a good conversation with N and FGD. Then there was the talk with C. She has declared that even though we cancelled plans to go away, I am hers this weekend. I advised her that only extends till Sunday at 5pm. Sorry but after that I’m doing my own thing that she will want no part of. I also told her on Sirs next visit, I’ll invite her for cake for his birthday. That made her happy, she’s been bugging me as to why they haven’t met. She has met just about everyone else under vanilla conditions, so I guess it’s time.

There are so many reasons that I never introduced them but she warming up to the fact that my relationship is different than hers…..or are they?

She is currently seeing 2 different, wait 3 different guys. Only one of them is sexual the others are just to fan her ego. “just friends”, meaning they take her out, feed her need for atttention and so on, but she keeps it that way so she won’t feel like a whore…fuck wait there’s actually 4.

So I made her tell me the different things she likes about each one.

One makes her laugh, I’ve met him and he really is a funny and low maintenance kind of guy that could cheer anyone up.

He’s married and far away.

One is there… always there on the drop of a dime. I was actually there when they met. We were in PR and swimming in a lagoon. He was the only other person there and as C will do, they started talking and turns out they only live a few minutes apart.

He has a crazy girlfriend and I think they sink together in their misery.

Then there’s the words with friends with benefits. Long story but he was an online hook up that ended and now she’s his dog watcher, but he wants more and he’s married with a super crazy wife.

That leaves the last one, the vanilla Dom. According to her the sex is amazing but it extends nothing past that.

So we chatted and the first two are subby, totally why she has not an ounce of want to fuck them, but the attention will keep them around. The third is domineering, a basic asshat, jealous, pushy…..but she sometimes like that quality. I explained to her the last one is a Dom in the most vanilla definition of the word.

So even in vanilla land there are Doms and Subs and that’s the reason some relationships just don’t work out. I’m happy she’s vanilla and really she needs to stay that way. I just wanted to explain to her the personality types so she can she, I’m not that different than she is. I just enjoy a good spanking:)

Why my best friend is an asshole

At each step of this weekend she has put up a barrier.

Newest, she has a uti and can’t be in the sun. Great, awesome……and her family came home early. So that girls weekend away, changed to girls weekend not away, turned into just a normal weekend.

People are really lucky I am trying to learn how to be flexible, in more than a yoga class way.

I’ve managed inside of an hour to come up with new plans for the rest of the weekend except tomorrow. I have a few things in the works and should know by later.

Just off the phone with Little R and our conversations have gotten a bit better. I’m keeping her at a distance. She has some dress she wants me to try on and it will tell me what type of a mood she’s in. If it’s too small she’s still in the fuck you mindspace, if it’s ok then she’s calmed down with her jealousy. Some people would think I’m reading too much into something like that, but she grew up in a family bridal store and has the ability to look at a person and grab not only the right dress but also the perfect size for them just by sight.

As luck would have it she has a busy weekend so the drama on her side should be minimal. Oh and also Fetgirl is going away, so with the exception of the possible run in with anal hook girl all the drama queens should be far far away. Wait….there’s still bible girl, but I spoke with the female and the “poly” idea has been totally shot down. Plus she knows I in no way support the actions she has taken and through the whole thing told her what she was doing I did not agree with. So i think I’m in the clear. It’s hard when you try to be nice and introduce new people around you inadvertently run the risk of taking the blame for there shitty actions.

Off to the gym…….


Fuck you….


As the steps of grief continue im at acceptance. You know I hate this feeling the most. Im a fighter and to me acceptance is giving up. Funny cause it’s also submitting, but not in the good dripping kind of way.

It’s accepting the cards dealt, but a part of me still wants to say no, no life, this was not what was supposd to happen!

But sad fact is…. I can’t change things. I have no power over the shitty choices I’ve made. This includes my infertility. When I was a teenager I could have had a child, I made that choice not to and no I deal with the ramifications of that choice. Same with my marriage, I could have ended it sooner, I could have said no.

Then there’s the rain. I had looked forward to this weekend for a month and now ….. All plans cancelled. Well not all, more adjusted. No going away, but still I have tomorrow that should be ok for a little beach and pool. Then there’s a party, I really did want to take a long break from those things, but….. I really miss some (not all) of the people and as FGD has reminded me I owe him a spanking….I told him I have not an ounce of recollection of that:)

Oh well, at least im off for four days. Damn, now I have to food shop or risk starvation.