I survived 

The meetingathon is over, well at least for a week:)

Yesterday, wow, I’m really surprised I made it through without passing out.

Work, then aireal with crazy lady for her birthday. She’s totally hooked and can’t wait to go back.

Then to meet Sir, do a little shopping and home. He was just as tired as me, quick food, unpack and time for bed.

Cute and funny, we both purchased Christmas present for each other and for very different t reasons, exchanged them last night. 

Right now, I’m just hiding at work. I have my electric throw on and I’m doing as little as possible. I’m sore, like crazy sore. Hoping the chiro and estim(the medicinal, not the fun one) does it’s magic after work. 

Cousin drama-part 2

But first…. I got a break from the non stop soul sucking meetings!! Woo hoo, may not need to join until the afternoon.

So, ended up meeting up with the singer last night, turns out the very juicy sounded story about the golden child, well… not as juicy as hers, so I’ll start there.

As I said there are many many cousins… and the golden child thinks her shit does t stink. Now in a quick summary of the other ones, there’s a few addicts, some house wife’s, a doctor, a failed “business”man, oh even one that had to leave Chicago due to a boyfriend gang involvement. 

When you’re related to such a dirverse group of fuck ups and the odd success story, it’s pretty easy to think you’re doing ok in life.

The golden child and the brother in laws wife were best friends. Another cousin also was part of that click. They had money and husbands and kids. On the outside you’d think total American dream type of people.

The third cousin was married to a guy that was part of the “family” business. He was the fathers partner in a construction company. The father was a horrible alcoholic and something happened that caused a chain reaction, they lost their house, cars, claimed bankruptcy (geez, that sounds familiar) and ended up on the balls of their asses in a small one bedroom apt.

To the golden child this was not acceptable so with little regard for the dirty secrets the poor cousin knew, kicked her out of that group. Bad move!

Girls are evil and this is further proof. Since the poor cousin was scorned by this, she proceeded to dish out the dirty secrets to the entire family.

The gossip, not as great as I thought. When is asked how the husband deal with it…. it’s been going on for years, they are either swingers, cockholds or just turning a blind eye since they also have side pieces. The singer said she does t know exactly how this all came about since she was so wrapped up in her addiction she was blind to the drama unfolding.

The other story will have to wait, since that will take even longer and I have a ton to do before I get out of here later

Cheating…just a little

My week is hell at work.

See this blog and all it’s many typos is mainly written at my desk early in the morning, then finished later as the day goes on.

This week….is the week I’ve been dreading. A year long project is kicking off and if I can get through this, well it will be my crowning achievement on my resume.  This could be the one thing that can move me to the salary I need to get the address I desire.

The downside and yes, there is always a downside….I have not a moment of free time. Example, by my schedule I should be sleeping now. I wanted to take the couple of minutes as I am crashing from the day and a good hard yoga practice to at least put something down for Sir to read when he wakes.

As far as yesterday’s story….that will have to wait. I will see my cousin the singer tomorrow and get the rest of the drama. I must say I’m super excited to see how this story is going. I mean really it’s not ending, but more a strange parallel to my own life.

Also once again, after licking my wounds, I’ve started looking again for that very illusive local girl. I have three meets and greets coming up. I hold little hope and that’s ok. Usually when I don’t think things will work out is when the universe surprises me. So I hold on to that. One is single, very new, we can see where that goes. Another is in a couple, but open and looking for the same thing as me. The last is married and unlike the others (swinger) is a Domme, into decadence and trained by someone I respect, no, more than respect, admire to the fullest.

The sad part of that….I in a small part  of my heart wish that O was more accessible. She is the only woman that makes me feel at ease not just physically but on a more spiritual level. I have a habit of bonding with people that are just not available. I swear I do this shit on purpose. I’ve always lead with my heart and I need to stop that crap.

Oh I forgot to say one thing, The other day when N stopped over her husband accused her of being a lesbian! Oh we laughed at that. Longer story there, but for once the stupid SOB is actually on the right track:)

Family gossip

As few know I actually come from an amazingly large family. The reason I can count on my fingers the relatives I speak with? Well I happen to be the spawn of two teenage black sheeps.

In high school my ex husband introduced me to one of my female cousins(the golden child) She was a year younger than me. She introduces me to 20 ( not exaggerating at all) more cousins. They all lived on a dead end in two side by side mirror image mini mansions. Brothers that each had 10 children.

So I went from hardly any family to more family than I could ever comprehend. We were the best of friends for a couple of years, then her drinking got really bad. I think crazy m also had a part in us not speaking. She met some guy at work and last I had heard (approximately 20 years ago) she was getting married.

She had introduced me to another cousin in the other house (the singing cousin) two years younger than me. She was cute and sang when she spoke, but was always getting into trouble. She was their black sheep.

The singing cousin:

We never were the best of friends, yet as life progresses we would hear of each other or run into each other. The last time I saw her I was in a bagel store, right before I got engaged. 

Oddly she popped up on Facebook andi could tell that something was up with her. 

She recently ended a relationship with a very bad junkie and got herself clean (at least for the past 9 months). She’s always been easily influenced and hanging out with bad boys was her thing.

Turns out we work in walking distance from each other, both do yoga and recently lost a bunch of weight.

So we set up a time to go to a class and catch up.

She had some drama with her ex and postponed. We are meeting up tomorrow, so we texted a bit this morning and that’s when I found out the real story of my long lost other cousin….

The golden child drama:

Now to preface this, we are really second cousins. I became very close with the golden child at the same time as crazy m and my ex Dom story. She was both my drinking and dancing partner. At that time I was very open with my friends regarding being bisexual, the closest to being out as I’ve ever come. Everyone thought we were together, but nope, too much of an icky factor in that.

She had gotten a job in the trade center (years later I checked the paper every day to see if she was one of the dead). She met a guy there and fell in love. He was what she was raised to want. Good looking, wealthy, connected. 

Since he was all of that… she had to change some stuff. I recall her telling me early in her job she went out for thirsty Thursday, drank shots of jack, fell off the bar stool and through a plate glass window in the bar. Pretty sure there’s more to that story since she’s a hundred pounds and 5 ft tall. So that had to change. Hanging out with her “crazy cousin”had to change and she rather quickly dissapeared.

I got in touch with her when her dad died to give my condolences, when I got married, since it was to her friend, but we never reconnected. I knew she went on to have 3 kids with this guy, I wrongly heard she moved out of state. In passing I mentioned her to my singing cousin and I got the best response ever!!!

“Do you know my cousin doesn’t talk to any of us anymore?”

I said she always thought she was better than everyone else.

Nope that’s not why! The golden child is now the black sheep. Now this part took lots of texting, as it is very confusing 

So my singing cousin has a sister marry to a guy.

The guy has a brother married to a woman, let’s called her z.

The golden child cousin is still married to the mobster. 


Has a primary sexual relationship with Z!!! My question of course, how are the husbands dealing with this? I know damn well how my very catholic Italian side of the family is reacting.

Damn girl left me with a cliff hanger and a promise to talk later tonight.

Busy weekend

This weekend I made it a point to get things done and balance that with do things I want to.

I realized early into the planning stage the only way to make sure I could do that was to do the things I wanted to alone.

I made plans with 4 people and 2 cancelled. I was happy they did. I’m not normally like that, but I’ve honestly had enough of many people in my life.

Starting tomorrow work will become impossible. So I’ve spent the morning looking for apartments. I told the super if the issue we have is not taken care of this weekend, I will be breaking my lease and moving as soon as I can afford too.

Truth I can’t afford to do anything right now. Even worse, I’m looking and there’s nothing in my price point that looks liviable.

I thought this was all over last night, but nope.

So today I’m keeping quite. I don’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone, be near anyone, at least while I’m at work.

It’s just a haunted house…

Lol, or if you are a ballsy teenage girl, who likes to talk shit about how you love all things horror related, it’s the shit nightmares are made of.

I mentioned in passing this summer that I’ve always wanted to go to this haunted prison in Philadelphia to L and his daughter. L is big on doing for others, so he made it his mission to assure that I went. His daughter the shit talking teenager said she wanted to go to.

Now this is no 10 minute in and out funhouse. It’s an hour long. they start to get you as soon as your in a block of the attraction. Over the last month the teenager started to realize through the interwebs just what her big mouth got her into.

By the time we pulled up and parked 10 blocks away, she was in full breakdown mode. Tears streaming down her face and all I could do was laugh. That’s my reaction to this stuff. so I told her you can hold onto me, I won’t put the glow in the dark necklace on, so they won’t take me as part of the show. Her dad did.

L played around with her a bit, getting revenge for her less than good behavior. Sir sent me a text saying mabe he was there waiting in full mask with a chainsaw. I laughed because knowing him, if that was his plan he would never make even a passing mention of it. He had a family thing or else he would have done that just to get a reaction. See if I get startled I’ll scream, but I normally laugh and smile through the whole experience. I marvel at the set design and costumes of a really good haunted house and this one did not disappoint at all.

As we are going into the yard to start, her tears at full flow, the girl in front of her tells her the safeword. If you say “monsters be good” they stop and leave you alone. She a little bit of a thing weighing less than 100 pounds and almost my height. She is on my left with one arm around my neck and the other around my waist so that from the back it looks like I have two heads. She became part of me walking through, saying over and over monsters be good. It’s broken into 5 parts and as you enter and exit each one gets progressively more scary. They were amazing at the design, making sure you had a break of fresh air and the choice to leave at the end of each part.

She made it through the whole thing and at the end…..”next year I want to bring some friends with us”

They took the normal, crazy expensive pic, us against the prison wall and one of the guys with a sledge hammer. As the person said smile the guy swung it at her. L and I both with big laughing smiles and her with the look of horror and tears. At that point they could have asked for a million bucks and I would have gotten that picture for her!!!

It was a good night and a great memory.

Not much

Yesterday was weird.

A bit of my ex’s attempt at drama. Nothing I really need to write about. He still after over 20 years has no idea who I am or how I react.

I only got frustrated because I was trying to get to the gym.

I can take a lot, but don’t mess with my gym time.

It was a good class and the one after was even better.

This weekend and upcoming week is way too busy. I still need to work on my Halloween costume and restoring Sirs camera, so I won’t be getting much sleep. 

My mood is very much like the weather….not horrible, just a little bit nasty. Good news, little R cancelled plans for the 14th time;) she’s sick and I told her I can’t get sick, so unlike her prior cancellations I’m ok with it. Well as long as I don’t see her out and about doing brunch or shopping. Stupid girl always posts her every move on fb.

A funny story should unfold in a few days. FGD is going celibate for a trip to his family. N is going to montitor him. Something tells me this isn’t going to go well.

All better now

Yesterday I dropped and crap did my mind go to a bad, bad place.

I put it down by running and hard yoga. I made it so by the time I sat with my wine to watch the horror show that was the last debate, I was numb.

Prior to that Sir and I had a long good talk. He understands why the processing part of Monday was hard. In hindsite now that I am out of the bad headspace, it came down to me breaking a rule of mine, not Sirs. I don’t play with swingers on first dates. 

I think this rule comes from a general distrust of people, especially in an overtly sexual situation. So my brain can rationalize being a bit of a whore as long as I am not doing it with strangers. The one exception is if Sir is there because then I can accept that I’m just following a command, not making my own choice.

Truth, I was just really horny. The next day I couldn’t stop leaking. The drop was triggered by the worst case of guilt and cunt brain.

What I really needed to hear and see was Sirs message to me this morning, that I’m not a slut, I am his slut. 

A funny, I posted a pic yesterday that said “I am not what you think I am, you are what you think I am”.

This year has taught me that that saying, that I always took in a rather pessimistic way, can be a good thing too.

I’ve ended many friendships because of people thinking that I would react one way, because it’s the way they would. 

In the instance of Sir, it’s a good thing. He sees the other side of me and does his best to remind me, when I forget, he still sees a good girl.

Sir’s surprise

After shutting down my computer and putting little R in her place, I headed to the city.

Sir gave me an address, dress code and time to arrive. A vanilla adventure he had planned to cheer me up.

Off the train and he said to walk around a bit. I stopped and got coffee.

His address was for a bookstore, but not one of those chain stores. This is one that specializes in photography and limited edition books.

Standing outside and I know by the directions I’m meeting someone here. 

There’s this train wreck if a woman, think a really hard looking 40, fresh from a hard impact scene. She’s dressed in full fetish wear, collar and all. Totally out of place. She’s with a man much younger than her. 

They are standing near the door, making out like crazy. Next to them a semi homeless black man, slightly ghetto, but clean. I think nothing, it’s nyc after all. 

My alarm goes off and I call sir for our happy Tuesday. He tells me to go inside and I’m the manner of 10 seconds this happens:

The couple turn to leave

The guy says oh crap I thought they were going to start fucking right there!

Then looks, like did I say that outloud.

FGD grabs me by the neck as I’m hysterical laughing. All this with Sir still in the phone. 

There’s a packed back room that we are headed to. It’s a launch party for a photography book called dancers after dark. We grab some wine and chat a little. His friend is meeting us there. N and I were talking about her today. She’s an amazingly nice and kind person.

By this point I’m so tired I look for a spot to lean on, standing was just too much work.

He commented on the fact I looked different, as he said finely fucked. I laughed and said yes and told him a bit about my day. We had a conversation about how we as a community are rushed and many times don’t give ourselves the time to process the things we do.

I told him how happy I was when I woke up and how when I got in the shower I started to freak out. I got my brain under control and as soon as I dried off emailed Sir. I started to wash myself and that voice started, that voice that says I’m dirty and will never be clean and I started to scrub and was hurting myself. 

Sir said it’s been a long time since I’ve played like that and glass half full, it’s a normal good girl reaction. Especially since it’s been 6 months since I’ve played like that. It was also because I didn’t know this other couple, that’s what got to me. If it was just the dancers, I think I’d have been ok with it. 

FGD also said it happens and it’s ok. Just don’t feed into it.

His friend showed up and the event started. Many of the dancers were there, some blended in but … oh, the ballerinas stood out just in the posture alone. One had a shirt that showed her upper back and her definition was astounding.

The photographer was one of those people with a personality bigger than life. Alan Cummings was also in the crowd. When they showed a short film of how he got some of the shots he was sitting on a stool next to me. The friend got a great pic of him and his daughter.

We went up to have FDG’s book signed and she showed him the pic, he promptly gave her his phone number to send it too. I practiced my flirting by grabbing his book and getting a few dancers to sign it.

We left and headed to grab a drink in a hotel bar that had a jazz band. Nice and easy conversation flowed and we were all thankful to Sir for setting up such a nice surprise on a happy Tuesday. 

This time I managed to stay awake the entire ride home and was so happy to see my bed and crazy old dogs.

I miss Sir and I’m feeling rather lost in life these past few days.

Happy Birthday…Here’s an orgy

That pretty much sums up last night.

I’m sitting here hurting from head to toe, but it’s a good dull pain. Too many positions, too many holes used. Too much cake and wine, Why are swingers so very hedonistic?

I got there early after a stop at Magnolia bakery in Bloomingdales. Right, like who the hell am I? Last year I was like a paranoid child in that part of town, but many things can change in a year. When I got there the male dancer (his birthday) was coming in with the groceries. All the fixings for homemade paella, even live lobsters. His wife O, just out of the shower with baby in his favorite place, attached to a boob. Only 2 months old and you’d swear he was 6 months. Totally flirt. We were telling him how he was going to be tall dark and handsome when he grew up and he was all laughs and smiles.

We chatted and hung out for a couple of hours as the food cooked. The baby prevented any play early in the night, and that’s ok as we actually enjoy each other on a vanilla level too. We traded stories of how different it was to grow up here vs Russia and South America. Each of us come from very different upbringings.

When the other couple arrived, we sat down to eat. The table talk was all over the place. They just got home from a trip to Miami and the girl had her first BBC. She was pretty in a very Russian way. She had the cutest tits, B cup but her nipples were up pointing and tasted like sugar, very weird, but back to the story.

One thing I had forgotten was how different male swingers are from men in BDSM. I started to get a little icky feeling. I know it’s just me, I get like that whenver another man shows me any sexual attention that Sir doesn’t know, hell even some he does know. Outside to smoke a ciggerette so that the baby can calm down and go to sleep, the husband asks about my limits tonight. I tell him the same as her birthday and the other couple look so lost in this crypic conversation, so I explain. I tell them to cum I have to call and get permission, her face looked like shock and horror, then I say O is allowed to do just about anything she like to me. I tell them she is the only one every granted that permission by Sir. As far as the men, nothing past oral.

The guy looked like I popped his balloon, but the husband was fine with that and told him don’t worry the oral is worth more than fucking a hundred pussy’s. Thanks for the compliment. Back upstairs in seconds the clothes start coming off. The guy is rather taken with my clit. See this is where the next day I get paranoid. Sir and I have the rules, but….we never discussed the rules when it comes to men wanting to give me oral. I guess it never came up and honestly I’m not really a fan. I see it as a subby move and girls just do it better. O was fucking his partner as I was sucking both of their cocks. There is something very in powering about having more than one cock in your mouth. When all is said and done, I do enjoy group sex, I’m just very cautious about the “who” that is involved as many do not like to follow rules.

The male did at some point end up eating me out and it was…ugh. I didn’t let him know that, I’m not cruel. The girl was very knew to other woman and it showed. She fucked both the men and that allowed O and I the time to play. There’s something about her touch that can send me straight to subspace. She started to fuck me and I started to edge. The moment she added the vibrator to the strap on and grabbed the phone. As luck would have it I lost connection and when I called back I was the closest to braking the orgasm control rule as I had ever come, even closer than the time I was stuck under the two of them:)

I did hold one and had one of the most animistic orgasms to date. The fact that there were multiple hands on me touching added to it. I don’t know if maybe it’s the performer in me but the idea of being watched in that very base state of being makes my cunt drip. I think it helps that they also share that same appreciation of the visual and sensual aspect.

Now that everyone was more comfortable with each other, I broke out the toy bag. I showed O what I had forgotten on my last visit and her eyes lite up. The fire hose paddle. She perked up even more on the first tap when she heard the sound it makes and the heat that comes off my ass from even the lightest tap. She’s not a real harsh sadist, she very sensual, but likes the act of lite impact and the way my body melts into it.

With men I need to have it very hard and sometimes brutal. That’s not rue of a woman. I can reach the same heights with just very lite play as I do when I walk away with bruises that last weeks. I showed her that I brought the plus from her birthday and she showed everyone how well trained I was and how to insert it so that I was not hurt. There was some more play but by that time it was a blurr. We ended the night by all sitting on the floor naled, lite touched and kisses and cake and wine. It was something that reminded me of what the end of a roman orgy would have been.

The couple as luck would have it lives in bklyn and gave me a ride home. If not I probably would have left before any play began. I took their number, but I’m still not comfortable with the amount of attention the male showed me, so I may send the obligatory thank you for the ride, but I think it will end there unless they are back for another birthday party. Shhh I don’t even remember there names. Oh and a funny …the girl kept mentioning a friend that had a name of someone that I currently can’t stand, Fetgirl. I visibly cringed every time she said it!

I was also told that they will plan something for my birthday, since I have made their’s very special this past year.

Back home, way too late. Talking with Sir. It’s funny how I need to hear his voice to be ok with my more whoreish actions. After water and a crappy verbal recap of parts of the night, I got a nap and now I’m back up and working, working from home, smelling like sex. Thanks Sir, left to my own, last night would have been a much different kind of party.