I slept like shit. My stomach is in knots. I spent the majority of the nighttime hours thinking. The few winks of sleep I got, I was running, like physically running, fast, in the pitch dark.
Why I say it’s not all bad?
I came to some conclusions. I sorted out some emotions.
There’s still a few things to work on. I’m at a cross roads with my family, I don’t really know how to deal with that.
My ex says he submitted the papers. I think that may be a lie. Talking to beck today and he just went through this, there’s holes in his story, guess I’ll find out soon enough.
Yesterday was hell. One issue after another, between him, work, my mother. I really just want to have a day without stress. I have nice plans this weekend. Really need them to not fall apart.
I realized when I read that saying today…. I really just need to feel safe. For some reason right now, I don’t. I believe that’s why I’m super adulting. I brought renters insurance, short term supplemental disability insurance, I’m dealing with trying to build my pension, I’m setting stronger boundaries with those around me. I’m searching for security.
Life has taught me a hard lesson. To really be secure, you need to try to see the pitfalls before they come. Emotionally I know I have a good support system. sir being the main one with a nice group of friends to back him up. Yet for everything else, all I have is me.
I told my ex once, his problem is that he underestimated me. I don’t need to be saved. I need to save myself.
Crap, I know this blog sounds sad, but it’s not. I’m just exhausted, looking inward, trying to heal the wounds that have been ripped open these past few days.
Unlike some others I know, I’m not giving up, I’m looking to recharge. Setting things up so that I can start building again.
One of the things I’ve most resented about my ex was his ability to move on. He saw that we were really over, found someone else. A girl that unlike me needed saving, he’ll, even had a kid. He basically wiped the me away.
It’s not that I can’t get over him, it’s that I’m finding it hard to move life forward. I just don’t know where I’m headed and that scares me.