Yesterday taught me a lesson. To others even when I have no more to give, I’m not empty. The problem is I look to the wrong people sometimes for a “refill”.
Alone time can refill me. The problem is I sometimes risk slipping further into the empty space.
Normally I would have turned to Sir and C. There is no more C to go to. Knowing this I really didn’t want to throw it all on Sir. It’s unfair he should suffer due to my past and should have to put up with the darkness that comes from dealing with it, but he does.
My after work plans changed about a hundred times. Sir did not in anyway want me to head home alone. With others, sure. FGD had other ideas. He wanted to take me out. I wasn’t sure if being in public was such a good idea, but Sir agreed that I needed to go.
Off to the city. We went to a bar on the pier and watched the sunset, complete with a rainbow, I laughed thinking of the leprechaun comment I made yesterday. Right before I left work Fetgirl had held her silence long enough and decided to very passive aggressively attack me on a private facebook site. I just had nothing left in me to even care. Oh if she only knew as she wrote her words to solicit both attention and pity, I was on my way to meet her ex. That action alone was a big enough screw you to her.
Sir said, don’t talk about her with him and for the most part we didn’t. Only when he mentioned her and then not for long. He’s finally starting to heal. We took a walk up the west side of battery park city. I showed him the spot that I had that rather weird night with the very young man right before meeting Sir. We spoke of family and friends and the different paths that life takes us on. He told me of how hard it was coming here and speaking little to no english. We laughed and cried. As we walked we settled on an outdoor cafe-bar with heating lamps. A couple of more drinks followed by hours of good conversation and ending with a declaration that I must eat. Funny, feeding woman is actually a fetish of his.
By this point I knew I was no where near the calories I had set for the day, so I didn’t put up much of a fight. We were the last people eating and the food was not in anyway what I would normally eat but delicious. The city was quiet, not the normal rush and noise.
It’s something I really love about the financial district. the grandness of the buildings and the silence that falls over it after the happy hours end and the commuters disappear. You can walk in the streets and be alone. We decided to not go to the nearest train station, as he had to head to the ferry. So we walked in a very comfortable pace.
He told me at the beginning of the night certain behaviors were acceptable. Fowl language, screaming, fits of anger, hitting things and if I even needed picking fights with strangers. He even said to a point they are encouraged as he likes them, just keep in mind please not go after the biggest guy at the bar, he didn’t want to end up in the hospital. With the exception of the language and a couple of small fits of anger, I kept it together.
He thanked me for introducing him to N. They have a good connection that is really beneficial to both of them mentally. We spoke of another of his play partners that on paper should be the most perfect person for him, but it just isn’t there. He opened up as I did about the feelings or lack of them when it comes to others in the life style and also how highly he regards Sir. He said it’s been a very long time since he’s met someone that he respects as much. We discussed sadism and aftercare and the different monsters that others bring out in us.
As we parted with a big hug and much thanks on both sides I headed into the subway. I was exhausted. So exhausted that I fell asleep on the train. Totally one of the worst fears of most city people. I woke up two stops past where I needed to transfer. I tried to just head back and the other side was closed for construction. I headed to the street to call a cab, but there was a 20 minute wait. So being that I was about 10 blocks from work I started walking. It was empty, not a car or person on the street. I walked past work and headed for the bus stop. Hadn’t I just been here? On the phone with Sir letting him know of my error I check and the bus was not far. Good thing because the 25 block walk home I don’t think I could have done as my choice in foot wear was more for fashion and really not for walking and I had already walked almost 10 miles.
In minutes I was home and greeted by the very confused old puppies. We took the shortest walk ever and piled into bed after some much needed water. I sent FGD a text of thanks and called Sir for tuck in. I don’t know that I thanked him, but thanks Sir. It was a good idea to not go home, train adventure and all.
I also want to say something else. I really believe that (or at least in my experience) that I’ve never met a man as secure as Sir. Most men would have said, hell no, you are not going out with FGD. There would have been doubt and insecurity regarding us having dinner and drinks. That means much to be with someone that knows who I am and has no doubts of the person they are. It was a night of friendship, an equal give and take. It was what I needed to refill that empty place.