Not in the mood

That’s is my current mood. I have crap to do that sadly can’t be postponed, oh well.

Yesterday I had a good day, my prior statements did not jinx it.

Ran 5 miles, went to yoga.

Funny, so the first couple of years I was back practicing my intention I set for class was all over the place.

The last month I’ve focused on just one thought. For this one hour I will love myself, I will love my life and I will stay in the moment.

Since this has become my intention my practice has really changed. I’m solid, I have a smoother and stronger flow. 

It’s the one time I’m not 💭 

Well not thinking of anyone else, just what I’m doing for only me. I cried at the end of practice. 

The teacher and I will cross paths again. She is the type that you can see knows sadness, but her class, she gives joy and positivity. I’ll miss that.

Today a birthday/ play party with the dancers. I’m sideways about it. Don’t know why, but I am.

I did talk to my boss and will work from home tomorrow. I’m in contact with an old classmate, as luck would have it he’s a divorce attorney. 

I told her I set up a call with him. I’m not very comfortable with everyone knowing and hearing the fights we’ve been having. She totally understood and said if there are any calls today I could use her office.

I’ll also be able to get to the post office and mail my pension stuff, how very exciting? 

Sir knowing that the stress has been getting to me has a surprise planned for Tuesday. A vanilla thing in the city, just a place to show up and a ticket number. It’s sweet he would take the time to plan something like that for me.

Lots more crap is going on, but I’m not in the mood to invest my energy in it right now. So I’m just going to ignore it.

Quiet day

Fuck, now I totally jinxed it 🙂

Yesterday was a mess. N and her husband got into a fight. It escalated so quick and turned physical. I have to say I’m worried for her well-being. After we headed to a farm in Jersey with a big group to forget about the stress and shit going on. It was fun, until a bee stung her on her palm.

Then back home and L from work came by. She had a best friend that she parted ways with 2 years ago because the girl developed a really horrible drug addiction and she saw no way of helping her, she tried. The girl passed away Friday. She’s a mess, dealing with the guilt and loss of hope, knowing for certain now that there will never be the hope of repairing the lost friendship or the girl getting clean.

Today was going to be yoga in the city then brunch treated by l’s friend (a thank you for the wedding hair and makeup), but now that’s changed. It was funny because L’s friend has seen all the crap with little R and I and was profusely apologizing for cancelling. I felt so bad, I told her please, death trumps any plans, it has no schedule that we can plan for, than gave her a hug.

So today will have the chance to be either a calm or who the hell know kinda day. I just told someone, it sucks but I think these two things was what I needed to get my head out of my ass and see that things could be worse. So as shitty of a person as it makes me, I’m feeling better as everyone around me is dealing with much worse things than I am.

 

To others

Yesterday taught me a lesson. To others even when I have no more to give, I’m not empty. The problem is I look to the wrong people sometimes for a “refill”.

Alone time can refill me. The problem is I sometimes risk slipping further into the empty space.

Normally I would have turned to Sir and C. There is no more C to go to. Knowing this I really didn’t want to throw it all on Sir. It’s unfair he should suffer due to my past and should have to put up with the darkness that comes from dealing with it, but he does.

My after work plans changed about a hundred times. Sir did not in anyway want me to head home alone. With others, sure. FGD had other ideas. He wanted to take me out. I wasn’t sure if being in public was such a good idea, but Sir agreed that I needed to go.

Off to the city. We went to a bar on the pier and watched the sunset, complete with a rainbow, I laughed thinking of the leprechaun comment I made yesterday. Right before I left work Fetgirl had held her silence long enough and decided to very passive aggressively attack me on a private facebook site. I just had nothing left in me to even care. Oh if she only knew as she wrote her words to solicit both attention and pity, I was on my way to meet her ex. That action alone was a big enough screw you to her.

Sir said, don’t talk about her with him and for the most part we didn’t. Only when he mentioned her and then not for long. He’s finally starting to heal. We took a walk up the west side of battery park city. I showed him the spot that I had that rather weird night with the very young man right before meeting Sir. We spoke of family and friends and the different paths that life takes us on. He told me of how hard it was coming here and speaking little to no english. We laughed and cried. As we walked we settled on an outdoor cafe-bar with heating lamps. A couple of more drinks followed by hours of good conversation and ending with a declaration that I must eat. Funny, feeding woman is actually a fetish of his.

By this point I knew I was no where near the calories I had set for the day, so I didn’t put up much of a fight. We were the last people eating and the food was not in anyway what I would normally eat but delicious. The city was quiet, not the normal rush and noise.

It’s something I really love about the financial district. the grandness of the buildings and the silence that falls over it after the happy hours end and the commuters disappear. You can walk in the streets and be alone. We decided to not go to the nearest train station, as he had to head to the ferry. So we walked in a very comfortable pace.

He told me at the beginning of the night certain behaviors were acceptable. Fowl language, screaming, fits of anger, hitting things and if I even needed picking fights with strangers. He even said to a point they are encouraged as he likes them, just keep in mind please not go after the biggest guy at the bar, he didn’t want to end up in the hospital. With the exception of the language and a couple of small fits of anger, I kept it together.

He thanked me for introducing him to N. They have a good connection that is really beneficial to both of them mentally. We spoke of another of his play partners that on paper should be the most perfect person for him, but it just isn’t there. He opened up as I did about the feelings or lack of them when it comes to others in the life style and also how highly he regards Sir. He said it’s been a very long time since he’s met someone that he respects as much. We discussed sadism and aftercare and the different monsters that others bring out in us.

As we parted with a big hug and much thanks on both sides I headed into the subway. I was exhausted. So exhausted that I fell asleep on the train. Totally one of the worst fears of most city people. I woke up two stops past where I needed to transfer. I tried to just head back and the other side was closed for construction. I headed to the street to call a cab, but there was a 20 minute wait. So being that I was about 10 blocks from work I started walking. It was empty, not a car or person on the street. I walked past work and headed for the bus stop. Hadn’t I just been here? On the phone with Sir letting him know of my error I check and the bus was not far. Good thing because the 25 block walk home I don’t think I could have done as my choice in foot wear was more for fashion and really not for walking and I had already walked almost 10 miles.

In minutes I was home and greeted by the very confused old puppies. We took the shortest walk ever and piled into bed after some much needed water. I sent FGD a text of thanks and called Sir for tuck in. I don’t know that I thanked him, but thanks Sir. It was a good idea to not go home, train adventure and all.

I also want to say something else. I really believe that (or at least in my experience) that I’ve never met a man as secure as Sir. Most men would have said, hell no, you are not going out with FGD. There would have been doubt and insecurity regarding us having dinner and drinks. That means much to be with someone that knows who I am and has no doubts of the person they are. It was a night of friendship, an equal give and take. It was what I needed to refill that empty place.

The anger is past

Now I’m just gone.

Empty, bitter a shell of a person. I have hardly any ability to find joy, my heart is empty.

All I needed was for him to sign the papers. You release me to get my small about, I don’t go after your big one. Oh there’s more to it than that, but that’s the easy story.

He stood my up many times, today he showed. I looked for the truck I consigned and we brought together. Instead he had apiece   of crap. 

I get in and say, where’s the truck? He says I traded it in and got a new car, I gave it to my girlfriend since she has the baby and is now working in bklyn.

I was willing to let that pass.

Then he questions me gently (passive fuck) about how much money it is. When he signed the waiver, its printed on it, so I tell him, it’s not much.

He made a comment I should save it as a downpayment for something….the anger starts and I say still in a calm tone, well that’s not going to happen for a decade, remember the bankruptcy and short sale?

He says by then you should move out of state… like I am

This is the moment I have to decide to loose it or be smart, controlled, find out his plan, plus we are standing in the bank and the papers aren’t certified yet.

He then spills his grand plan. A “comp” case is giving him the option of going out on a disability pension, between that and ssd and pension and on and on, he will be making more money than now and he’s looking to move to Texas! It’s a pension friendly state, so it will all be tax free.

He can stay home and raise the baby, ……(insert rage and he’ll fire) so what, do she can get another shitty job at Payless??

He signs the papers and I hold it together, no exploding.

Then I walk through the doors at work. Right I’ve to L and fucking loose it. Why does he get what I wanted, what he never wanted. When I wanted to leave NYC he said no because of his son. Well where is your son in these plans you fuckng peice of shit! 

How did I end up in a shitty apt working my ass off alone and you hit the fucking proverbial jackpot. What leprechaun do you have stuck up your ass you mc fuck?

So… that’s it. Still no divorce papers but now I know his motivation for proceeding.

I’m done, empty….. no more tears, no more venom, just empty.

Random life- day two of hell or pt3

I had a plan.

This day was going one of two ways, either a quick in and out and some much needed down time or …( blog stopped due to my ex being an asshole, yet again)

So it’s now 5 hours later and I have hell fire in my eyes and soul.

We all filed into a room and three jurors were late.

Of course they were in the ones already called, so they need four more. They call an older man, the guy I was talking to, me and of course the asshole.

So I’m sitting there in yoga clothes, in a chair attached to him.

He is moving it and I’m mumbling don’t loose it, they will hold you, not him.

They get to me and I tell them what I do and that I could be unbiased in determining fault. It not on judging a monetary award. So they pull me outside. I tell them that I’ve been in multiple accidents one that caused me to loose a child. Needless to say, automatic dismissal. Yet now I’m so pissed I also add that I also would end up physically artacking the man next to me if we say I’m a jury together and that he was acting that way in purpose. They laughed and said they knew and they we in no way going to pick him. 

Back in the room and they question this guy. He had the most perfect job for his personality. He is the sales person the collections agency sends to corporations to buy their debt. He’s a professional social justice asshat!

They put us back in the big room and tell us to wait, I’m getting more and more angry thinking we have to sit until 5. 

Luckily, they come out with our proof letter and we are allowed to go home. As we leave I look around, no officers and I say loud enough for all to hear, looking at him, that he’s a real asshole!

This long stupid story has set the tone for my week so far.

Random life -pt2

So back to the story. 

The two asshats sir on one side. Me and another sit behind them but close enough to hear what’s going on.

One guy on the jury says he can’t come back tomorrow, it’s a Jewish holiday and he observes, then the SJW starts quoting the Bible, it’s 4:30 and I’d been there 8 hours, I lost it. I stood up and said “holy Christ, now he’s quoting the fucking bible, I have to pee, I’m out of here”. The guy near me laughed and the attorneys (I’m pretty sure now they agreed and wished they could leave on a bathroom break) continued on as though I said nothing. 

When I got back it was time to go and we were told due to the disruption and having to move we all (except the Jewish guy) had to report back at 10am the next day.

To say I was pissed is an understatement. I had planned to go and have a play date with the dancers, but I had no clue what time I’d be held there, so that was postponed. 

Random life

Yesterday was the most boring day I lived ever until around 2:30.

Up and to jury duty. Then we get pulled from the criminal court to go to civil court, fml. At least in criminal court the cases are interesting. I spent 8 years of my life taking accident reports from attorneys.

So over we go, a group of 20. Therestwo characters that stood out. A jovial blue collar older black man and a digrunteled over educated pompous black man. Side note now the me is playing bible quotes in the court room! Whew ok he turned it off. 

The blue collar guy is retired from sanitation and still works full time as a school janitor. He’s all smiles and jokes and really mispronounced words, but trying to make the most of this impresionment of sorts.

Oh not angry relook good guy, he’s bitchy and totally inconvienced by having to serve. He has a plan. In short to be as hostile as can be, so the attorneys will realease him.

Guess what genius… it fucking backfired and now we are all here to report on a second day, a Jewish holiday! We are the only ones here, since technically the courts don’t have selection today.

So his plan.. they take us in a small room and he starts his justice worrier crap (think total fet life creeper)about how we are not being fairly treated, then a montage on slavery, dude this is New York… space is at a premium. Then his partner in crime starts with a fake panic attack, saying she’s too claustrophobic.

After wasting almost an hour we end up in the judges chambers. They pull 10 of us to question, neither I or them are picked.

They go through a synopsis of the case, ask …

Blog postponed as they just called us in

Welcome to the most boring day of your life

Aka… jury duty 

To make matters worse I forgot my phone charger. Luckily I have my work phone and kindle.

The asshat ex is “busy” later, so Thursday at noon we will sign my papers. Cryptic fuck, just say, I’ll be with her, so I can’t do you a “favor”. Yup, that how he sees it, as a favor😤

Luckily I already have after work plans for that day, so I’ll be ok. He doesn’t realize I’m just about to the point with everyone that one wrong slip of his tongue and he will hear just about everything I’ve thought of him.

Holy crap, there are a lot of people here.

Wish I was home or at the gym. I’m also hungry….

Enough bitching, let the boredom commence.

Is it nap time??

I’m cold, not uncomfortably cold, but just cold enough that if I had a pillow at my desk I could take a really great nap. Sadly every time my eyes drift, someone asks me some question.

To add to the millions of things I’m trying to do this week, I have to start calling in for jury duty tomorrow!

Super mushy yet i have this edge of bitchy.

Sir said in his message last night, he made me watch the debate so we could talk about it. As I was watching, or rather cursing at the tv, while my head was pounding and I could swear my ears started bleeding, I realized that. It’s one thing to be pissed, it’s another thing to share that with those you are about.

My entire office agrees.

The unexpected

Yesterday will go down as one of the best and unexpected.

Good workout and then into the city. The bride (now married over a year) and I met up and trained into the upper east side together. We played a hard and fast game of catching up on our hour long ride to Brunch.

Once there we ate, carbs, day two. My body is full of energy and the carb withdrawal is not going to be fun. Lots of wine and laughs and even some tears. We set a next adventure, this time keeping it to bklyn.

On our way back we texted our yoga partner that lives near there. She was sadly in Queens and then my cousin called. We had been playing phone tag forever and it turns out she was still at her moms house in Jersey. So I said get in your car, there’s no meter, so you’ll be able to park.

By the time we got back to my house The groom was there and minutes later my long lost cousin. We haven’t seen each other since the dreaded birthday this past March. It was a good night, just wine and laughs. She may even attend the event in February.

Other highlights of the day……

Scored 2 tops and 2 dresses at the goodwill. Now let me explain, the good will in this neighborhood is an institution. They are know for high end clothes and nothing there is more than 20 bucks. Then a weird little painting at the house works thrift store.

We also got a bit of revenge on my old dance partner. He has out grown us as friends and has all these fab brunches and stuff. He doesn’t invite us anymore, so right before we got on the subway, a check in at the spot we just left, two blocks from his apartment. We waited and like clock work as the sun set and I’m guess he had a couple of drinks the bitchy comments from him started flowing. We laughed at that. It was all in good fun and I think he has learned that even though neither of us has such a great address as him, we get to where we need to go if there is wine at the end of the trip.

It was what I needed, good chats with good people and for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t lonely.