Good Days

So, if I had to guess either the oldman or Beck went to my boss after I left on Thursday. Telling her of the fights with my ex this past week. She called me and basically gave me a day off under the table. Due to the amount of nervous energy I had what would normally take two weeks I finished in three days, so I had no work and the person I mentor was going to be off, so she said to work from home, but just keep my phone on me and take a day to do what I want.

When your boss says that, it’s best not to argue:)

So I did some chores to get them out of the way and then headed to an early yoga class. Giving up this gym membership at the end of the month for financial reasons, the one thing I’ll miss is this teacher. She has the most positive energy. I told her after the class that I always leave her practice smiling on the inside. She gave me some recommendations on teacher trainings in NYC and we had a nice conversation. She also gave me a week pass to her other gym and turns out she teaches Barre is walking distance at night!

The past two months I’ve lost no weight, but my body is changing. So I decided to take the clothes that I had brought with tags still on them and go back to the store to see if the small size fit better, it did. Plus with the columbus day sales I walked out with twice as much, spending no money. For the first time since I stopped dancing, I’m a size two, that was my off season size. Sounds small, but I am small, so all the curves are still there and sadly the jiggly bits, but they are subsiding. I also re-evaluated my budget and took some cash I was setting aside for an event in feb. It wasn’t much, but I live in a really good shopping area. Screw my mother and the coat, I brought my own.

So I headed home on a nice shopping and yoga high. I had told work L that I brought a groupon, missed her and we should do an early dinner. It was one of her best friends birthdays. Like me she gets along better with guys and this friend of hers I adore. He’s hot, funny, loves sarcasm, horror movies and dogs and is as gay as they come. So I said, by all means bring him along. Little R is always trying to get him to switch sides and there’s just no chance for that. Plus his grinder stories are the best. So for the first time since March I said screw it and ate. No logging the calories and my stomach is screaming at me for that today, but damn that food was good. We also set the ground work for the office party to be held there.

Back home to cuddle the pups and watch a bit of tv while working on the never ending blanket for Sir. Little R called to check on me. I figured out if I tell her all the stuff going on she turns into mother mode and lays off the bs for a while. It worked, so now she’s treating me like I’m fragile, that kinda annoys me, but it’s better than her drama.

This week coming up is packed, plans every night, not an ounce of free time. I don’t know what I was thinking when I did this. I think it was my way of distracting myself from the task of dealing with the ex on Tuesday.

Heard back from an attorney friend of mine. Turns out the ex took the lazy way out and instead of going and waiting for the papers to get stamped, he dropped them off. I would have had them by now if he had cared to wait, but he does things with the most minimal amount of effort possible, so I shouldn’t be shocked. They are not in the system yet and my hope is by Tuesday he will have them. I just want this part of my life over with. Turns out his health insurance will continue to cover me for a time after the divorce, so that’s good. Hell that’s about the only good to come of the 10 years with him.

I’m still pretty torn about what to do about my step-sons confirmation. Do I go to the church and risk his family starting with me? but why should I let them stop me from being there for him? I’m thinking this will be a battle I’ll have internally for a while.

Off to the gym, gotta run off last nights meal…..




Overthinking isn’t all bad

I slept like shit. My stomach is in knots. I spent the majority of the nighttime hours thinking. The few winks of sleep I got, I was running, like physically running, fast, in the pitch dark.

Why I say it’s not all bad?

I came to some conclusions. I sorted out some emotions. 

There’s still a few things to work on. I’m at a cross roads with my family, I don’t really know how to deal with that.

My ex says he submitted the papers. I think that may be a lie. Talking to beck today and he just went through this, there’s holes in his story, guess I’ll find out soon enough.

Yesterday was hell. One issue after another, between him, work, my mother. I really just want to have a day without stress. I have nice plans this weekend. Really need them to not fall apart.

I realized when I read that saying today…. I really just need to feel safe. For some reason right now, I don’t. I believe that’s why I’m super adulting. I brought renters insurance, short term supplemental disability insurance, I’m dealing with trying to build my pension, I’m setting stronger boundaries with those around me. I’m searching for security.

Life has taught me a hard lesson. To really be secure, you need to try to see the pitfalls before they come. Emotionally I know I have a good support system. sir being the main one with a nice group of friends to back him up. Yet for everything else, all I have is me.

I told my ex once, his problem is that he underestimated me. I don’t need to be saved. I need to save myself.

Crap, I know this blog sounds sad, but it’s not. I’m just exhausted, looking inward, trying to heal the wounds that have been ripped open these past few days.

Unlike some others I know, I’m not giving up, I’m looking to recharge. Setting things up so that I can start building again.

One of the things I’ve most resented about my ex was his ability to move on. He saw that we were really over, found someone else. A girl that unlike me needed saving, he’ll, even had a kid. He basically wiped the me away. 

It’s not that I can’t get over him, it’s that I’m finding it hard to move life forward. I just don’t know where I’m headed and that scares me.

The coat story

My mother is a teenage girl, still. She will be collecting social security and Medicare and still have the mind of a 16 year old.

Today like most days we’ve been arguing over her selfishness.

She really was doing good until this year and now she’s out of control.

I’ve been trying to figure out just why something she said has been sitting with me.

You see every year since I’m an adult, she has brought me a winter coat. I’m one of those people that due to commuting and the amount of walking, it’s rare one will last longer than a year. Or so I kept saying to myself.

 I have a really good ability to put aside the bad memories. I almost forget them. Then things like her saying she’s not getting me a coat this year, I’m on my own triggered a shit ton of resentment.

See even in years where money is tight, she’d get something on sale and tell me it’s my early Christmas present.

So when I wasn’t giving into whatever she wanted to do, she pulled the coat card.

When I was in junior high, my mother was at her peak of substance abuse. This was right before she hit rock bottom. She was on welfare, not speaking to my grandparents, sleeping with a different man (that she would bring him) everynight.

Oh, sir, if you think I have anger, you should have seen her. 

I was thirteen and hadnt started working yet. I had a long black wool trench coat from Kmart. I loved that thing. It cost 20 bucks, that took two months to get off lay away.

So one night we get into a fight because I made a comment about the guy she brought home being creepy and she attacked me, ripping the damn coat to shreds. Not on the seems where I could sit and fix it.

She later said it was better to destroy the coat than the rude girl inside of it.

Now this left me in a predicament. I had no damn coat. So as my mother was known for catholic charities came to the rescue. I guess they had a coat drive and I ended up with a coat that smelled like old lady moth balls. My mothers solution was to “air it out”. So the following day still stinking i head to school. I had to take two buses and by the half way mark I was on fire, itching. It was the fucking coat. I took it off and threw it in the garbage. When I got to school I headed straight to the nurse. Damn lice….

Now keep in mind, we may have been poor and she may have been fucked up 100% of the time but damn it, we were clean. I never had head lice in grade school like the other kids did.

So I got sent home with a lice bath that burned as much as the bites did. That winter I reached out to nana behind my mothers back. I didn’t tell her about the incident at school, that would have killed her.

I also didn’t let anyone else know. Everyone thought I was out sick. The last thing I needed was to be the poor girl with lice.

I met my pop that night and he took me shopping, brought me one of the nicest, warmest coats I had ever had. He told me to tell my mother a friend at school was giving it away. Such bullshit. She never questioned where the coat came from.

After she got sober I know she had a long talk with nana and that she was told the story of the coat.

See Sir, this is why I hang onto things, things like this are why people shitty actions hurt.

So the following year, I worked, brought my own fucking coat.

Then a year came that I couldn’t. I was just making it, paying bills. I started working at a bank and they paid me next to nothing.

That’s when my mother said “I believe I owe you a winter coat” she was doing good, sober a few years, guess she was at that making amends stage of recovery. 

So years have gone by and many coats have come and gone, yet this year…..I guess she feels restitution has been made. I don’t.

See it has not a damn thing to do with the coat. It’s just what the coat represented that I hold on to.

I wrote this yesterday, but I know it’s a sad day for you, so I’ll set it to publish Wednesday.

Bailing out the slave

For the third time in my life I have been granted good fortune based on prior hard work. A bail out of sorts. Each bail out had been required due to my shitty selection of people I trusted.

So tonight I sit with n and get some legal advice as to what to do.

It’s a get out of financial jail free card. A total restart. There’s a loss I’ll need to accept but it can finally get me out from under this pressure.

Talking to bg last week she said how her job would be ending at the close of the year and she was excited. Due to sound investments and a strict savings plan (followed for the past 20 years) she has the ability to take a few years off and travel. I thought holy crap!! Then thought, shit, that could have been me had I not allowed my mother and ex to bleed me dry.

So in this my fortieth year of life, I’m trying to set the wrongs right.

I’m getting my body and mind back into shape and with this new opportunity my financial future is looking to be repaired as well.

Funny how you always say ( or at least I do) that if I looked better, if I had more money, if I lived in a beautiful place…..I’d be happy. Turns out, sure, the stress becomes less, but it doesn’t really make you happy. It lays the ground work to give you the time to figure out what happiness is.

What I need to do this time is not repeat the errors of my past. This bailout will not be shared with my family or anyone that is not directly involved or can assist in giving sound advice. 

Actually the phrase bail out is wrong, this is something I’ve earned, so it’s time to collect!

C never called last night. I adulted and did the right thing, asked if she was free to meet Friday night.

She has “company” coming over. First off, she invites me. I decline stating without us speaking I’m not comfortable with the idea of coming over, she than agrees( thanks for the pos invite) then there’s the fact that she doesn’t know anyone I don’t know, so whoever “company” is is someone I don’t like. 

She then proceeds to tell me she was hospitalized last week for three days for stomach poisoning. 

She’s said this before and knows I don’t forget. 

That was her excuse for a three day psych hold. So whatever she took, they pumped her stomach and kept her for observation. 

So I continued to adult. I didn’t call her out on that, instead I explain I have a very busy couple of days but I should be home at a reasonable hour Thursday night to speak.

Here’s the thing with me. A conversation over the phone….well that just won’t go well. See in the comfort of my house alone I won’t hold back, I loose my ability to properly censor myself. The other problem is she knows this. Face to face, in public, I could keep my decorum, the emotions could stay grounded and we could theoretically repair this friendship. The biggest problem, she knows this. So that’s the answer I needed, she no longer wishes to be friends and needs me to blame for the dissolution of a 24 year relationship.

But it’s balance, one good thing, for one bad thing and the world continues to spin.

I deny

Funny how I have a love hate with denial. I also realize i deny myself more than anyone else could (please note Sir, that is not a challenge, but a statement of fact).

-this is true in vanilla and D/s

Vanilla, I could write a list a mile long. I think it’s just part of being a masochist that I do this. 

In D/s I will often deny myself play. I get in these funks that I just don’t want to deal with it.

It becomes easier to not do anything than do something.

Yet I oddly still try to meet new people. It’s cuffing season you know and I’m cold and lonely.

Sir is currently a warm voice on the phone, but the alone is starting to set in. I wonder if he feels it as badly as I do?

Sometimes I fear he feels it more.

So even through all of this crap that I posted before, I’m still looking. A girl on fet asked me today what I was looking for….I gave her the standard answer, but the real one should have been just someone to hold me.

Who knows just where this current mood will lead? 

Don’t mess with me on a monday

Those that know me, not even well, just a little bit will quickly learn this.

Sir calls the look of contempt, or disgust, or whatever that most horrible and over documented look I give as my “Monday face”

So in knowing this…. why press my buttons??? The only rational explaination…. to get me to react.

See it’s not that I really hate Mondays or my job or routine. Oddly I love routine and my job really isn’t bad. I’m good at it and is more often than not a good place for me emotionally. 

What gets me is the sudden change of having to do something. Not wanting to but having to. On the weekend I make plans, but the truth, I won’t starve or be homeless if I break them. So the mental change from doing what I want and what I must, makes me much less gaurded in my reactions.

Mix that with the fact I’m hungry …. ugh.

Like I said to sir yesterday. Little R would not call until Monday. Like a fucking psychic, as I’m walking to work my music stops. I figure she wants to tell me about the weekend, so I begrudgingly answered.

Just to mess with her I purposely didn’t ask about the weekend. I wanted to see how long she could fake concern for me. Turns out 30 seconds. I got a how was your weekend, I say nice, low key. How is your mental state? I say good as always, I think, yet don’t say, fucking better than yours, I’m not mentally ill, your the bipolar one.

So turns out her brother puked most of the trip. Typical I just turned legal behavior. She fucked the married guy. I asked her if it was worth it. Then she started on how poor she was, then that she was wearing a new dress she brought on Saturday. I told her stop right there. That’s not what I mean. I asked did she have an epiphany. She acted stupid, so I had to explain, she said no. She went on to say it was good and the closure she needed. 

So I said then you have come to at least a conclusion… she plays stupid again. I tell her stop acting dumb. Either it was worth it and you’ll do it again, it made you decide to leave your current relationship, or it made you decide that you are happy just where you are with asshat boyfriend. 

She then says oh, now I get it ( I think fake dumbass)

She goes on to say, she has not  intention of leaving Him or cheating again. I say see that’s an epiphany. 

The conversation was frustrating to say the least and I gave her no feed back. She’s going to do what she wants so why waste my breathe. Plus by the sound of her voice, she was lieing. 

I showed up at work we said good bye….

That’s just when the fun got started, but first a side note:

See I asked that question because I did a similar thing to what she did. After it was over, I knew, even if it would be hard, even if I’d be broke and so lonely I’d want to die, I had to leave my ex. I couldn’t bare the thought of his cold and clammy touch again. A Devine moment of clarity, brought to be by one very decent fuck.

Ok, back to I sit down at work….I am saying hi to my Monday morning cast of characters. And I get a text. Thought I was really seeing shit…..C, that passive aggressive fuck that seriously ripped by heart out a week and a half ago, sends me a fucking meme to appoligize??? 

Dude this isn’t a you stained a dress you borrowed kind of fight, this was a you told me I was a piece  of shit with no reasonable explanation.

I waited, I checked my email, had pleasant conversations with my coworkers. Had a smoke. Blasted this all to N. 

Then I responded that I’m at work, I’ll be home after 8. It was cold and direct. There will be boundaries set. I’m going to negotiated this friendship like a first time scene from a Dom perspective, if and only if I decide I want to speak to her.

(Bonus blog going up later, maybe, not about her or anything that I just mentioned)

Off Line

I an effort to calm the fuck down, the cell phone went off yesterday afternoon. Those that demanded or needed have my batphone number. The old fashion land line I must have since the fortress hates giving me cell phone reception I can count on for conference calls.

Funny I had this idea in my head that once the cell went off I’d be alone. Not the omg I’m so alone, but…more like you can’t text me so I don’t exist. N had other ideas about that. She stopped by with her son to help me get the ac out of the window. I sent her home with food I will never eat and a bag of coats that I can no longer wear.

She told me FGD is on standby. She worries when I sound sad and look as tired as I did yesterday. Knowing me and knowing the fact I would never reach out to say I needed any one. FGD decided that he was coming for a visit. No can he, nope, he was. He lured me in saying he wanted to tell me what he did last night, or correction, who he did. Bible girl always doing the exact opposite of what she says ended up going home with him. So I asked him was it revenge sex? He being ever the diplomat said no it was closure. lol, same thing to me. She strung him along for so long, I’m glad he fucked her out of his system. We enjoyed a really great glass of wine and had some general bs talk. The whole time I knew he was there due to N. Either way it was a nice visit. He left and headed into the city to a friends party.

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. It was nice to get things done with little interruption. Sir and I spoke a few times, but even he knew I just needed to clear my head.

Today I woke to a clean house, clean linens, hell even two little clean and well groomed dogs. I think going off line may just become a monthly event.

Just take your time

This is something I don’t do. I’m someone that rushes, from one task to the next. From one experience to the next. From one relationship to the next.

You know what happens when you rush? You make stupid mistakes. Now I’m not talking about work or things like typos, nope, more along the lines of you don’t see the people you are letting in for who they really are. I noticed that and now I’m fixing that. My normal reaction would be get rid of them all and start again. Truth I have some great people in my life and to loose them would be horrible.

(laundry break)

Doing laundry I came across some clothing from last year that I hadn’t realized I kept. Stuff that honestly will never see daylight. I believe it was the memories attached that caused them to go to the keep pile. In one case, it was the hope of a memory that was never to be (ps washed it with the tags still on, oops). That one is going to N, may it bring her better luck than it did me.

The reason I give so much away? (Sir said recently why don’t I keep some it it stored, just in case)It actually two very different reasons. First, I lost weight and I have no intention of gaining it back. Keeping the clothes gives you the cushion to fall back on. I know life can happen and ina year if I need surgery it will be a minimum of two months no gym. That is a fate I will deal with if it comes.

The second reason is…..more emotional. I need to see the tangible things I’ve acquired being used. I grew up dirt poor. I know what it’s like to not have. If I purchase something it is never without thought. Even my shitty 4 dollar dresses from china. The fact that I can have options and I am able to buy pretty things to me is a big, really big deal. Sure, there are times I should say no, put it down and stick some cash away for a rainy day, but I have so many storms, there’s no real way to prepare for what life throws your way. So when I come across a person that like me knows what it’s like to do without, I give. This holds true for both clothing and emotions.

Today, I’m going to put the emotions aside. Once the repair men are done fixing stuff, the cell phone goes off. I’m disconnecting and spending some time with my list of things I never give myself time to do. I’m going to enjoy the silence.

The stress I feel most of my days are do to being way to connected. Connected through emotions and technology. Shutting the emotions off is a near to impossible thing, but turning the phone off is really fucking easy:)