Long days

Funny how the good days go so quickly. it seems like seconds ago Sir walked through the door after traveling all night to make it in time for thanksgiving.

The party saturday was a total dud. L and M had fun and that’s good. Sir and I just socialized. we hung out with my, wait, I guess now our french shadow. the only part Wirth mentioning was watching Sir teach him to use a flogger.

I was sitting with l, getting oddly, yet respectfully propositioned by curly hair, big ball guy and even he noticed my eyes light up. I explained that I never get to watch sir play as I’m always on the receiving end. It was a very odd turn on.

He also asked for a females view on how verbal dominance works. I found that horribly hard to explain. It’s really a combo if things, from the depth of his voice, the lack of judgement when truthful answers are given. Also it’s the way he phrases questions. Not really one thing that I can pinpoint, but we both become different in D/s conversations.

Take our first chat. It started very very vanilla. By the end of it, he’d found out more information than I think my best friend ever knew. We both fell very easily into a dynamic. Wrapped in my comforter as he said good night, I was at peace. A peace I really hadn’t know prior to him. 

I had experienced subspace, but not from a good place, only from a reaction to very intense pain. He sent me there with kind yet commanding words. He can still do that. 

I’m at work now and really missing him. 

Yesterday was good, lazy but good. lots of cuddles and at one point he sat on the couch and put his head on my lap. Those are the sweet moments that I hold onto when he leaves. 

Funny that I’m now sitting here wet with my clot pulsing from recalling playing with his haur, cooking him dinner, having him hold me. It’s not always the kinky stuff that creates and feeds the dynamic. I think it’s more the appreciation I recieve. 

A simple note of thanks for leaving the slave e tray set for him, Sir it’s those things that set our relationship apart from the others. It’s you explaining to l that even though it his birthday I won’t be playing because I wasn’t 100 percent. it’s knowing that we take care of each other  and I no longer feel alone when I hear your voice.

Sorry about that food Coma

Funny how sometimes you make all these plans ans then accidentally a food coma hits.

Part of Sirs anniversary gift was a good dinner. I got up super early to go shopping. Started and with the exception of 2 gifts that due to my budget. will need to wait, got all of my holiday shopping done. Gift buying is hard for Sir, so I pick up little things I know he will like and make him bags of care instead.

After the gym and the shopping I started to bake, then cook. After dinner I had planned to dress up as his favorite bell girl and serve him dessert. We were outside and both of us looked like we had just had thanksgiving dinner. I told him of the plan and he agreed, that could wait. lol, but he still ate the baked goods.

We had a good warm hug at the exact time of our first call. That was the night Sirs warm words first hugged me. So weird how one call to a stranger can change so much about the way you see life.

As I tend to do I laid on the couch and within minutes I was fast asleep. I don’t remember going to bed, but I do remember waking up to the need to be used. Sir had come in and started plating with me and had I been able to make words I’m pretty sure I would have screamed and begged to be fucked. I don’t recall when this need to play in a half awake state started but since we keep such different sleep schedules it works. I fell back into a deep sleep with the sweet taste of Sirs cock and cum in my mouth. When the alarm went off it was nice to enjoy some extra cuddles. Honestly it’s Saturday and there’s no real rush to get to the gym.

Sir is sleeping soundly and I guess I’ll go and get a few things done.

2 years…

I thought of writing a brief review of the highs and the lows, but why do that? I mean it’s all documented here.

Instead I’ll say the things I don’t too often.

That we are lucky. In two years we had so many adventures, good times, a few bad ones and more cuddles and good hugs than most have in a life time.

See even the bad times aren’t all bad. Unlike in the past when life happens I know (even when I push him away, or try to) that He’s there. I have support in a way I did not think was possible. For that I thank you Sir.

I had a three part surprise for him planned today. One part fell apart, one part is postponed until Christmas, but the second part I am saving for later.

Thinking of the last two days, we really have an amazing ability to roll with the punches. When plans change and new things arrive, we just do it. So I put together a little bag for you of things to show I care. I hope you enjoy them as tonight’s gift is not tangible.

I am not the girl I was and I don’t know in two more years who I will become, but I’m happier than words can say to have spent the last years with you.

Happy anniversary Sir.

Biggest mushy hug,

Sorry I kneed you in the back last night,

Your mushy slave



Yesterday was so busy.

Got through work, ran home to meal prep. Had to travel to yoga. 

Happy Tuesday was both early and late, I was on the subway and Sir was running errands  The second tuesday and that’s the extent of it. 

After an ok class I headed to the city. it’s so weird to see alphabet city and nit be afraid for my life. It was SMG’s birthday.  I got to meet her couple,  had a beer, chatted with some of her friends. it was nice and low key. I got carded at the door, the bouncer laughed when he saw my id, then laughed harder when he scanned it and it was real. first time in 15 years I was carded at a bar. the crowd was thirty somethings not bad but not a place I’ll go out of my way for.

When it was time to leave I walked with 2 of her coworkers. One guy here from Ireland just over a year. we walked by an Indian place and he mentioned something of the smell reminding him of his many trips to England. that got us on the topic of how powerful our meories can be when triggered by scents. 

It had me missing Sirs smell.

Home and in bed so tired. FGD sent me a link to a song he was listening too. It was in french but so familiar. I told him it sounded like something nana,sang to me when I was a child. the conversation of smell had me thinking of her too. He then sent me the English version and yes, that was one of her favorites.

At every holiday .. I miss them.https://youtu.be/Gnp58oepHUQ

Drop and shock

Anyone that knows me, kniws I drop pretty damn hard. it usually takes a few days and it’s mostly a very emotional thing. 

Yet the scene saturday was different. I had been in a parachute harness that it alone caused very bad bruising. there was also more caning than I’d ever previously had and my the aftermath of the impact was…just different. 

Yesterday it was cold, but to me it was like the arctic. it was in my bones like I was naked on a glacier. I couldn’t figure out why until the tears started. it was only a day after, too soon for me.

I started to go back and reevaluate why this was happening. a big part was I came out of the scene too soon. a big part of it being that with new people around and in a foreign play space I was not comfortable with showing any vonerability. 

I also didn’t have Sir there so I think I shunned any physical aftercare. I really didn’t comprehend the amount of physical injury I had just taken.

When I got home, I fucked up again. I put no topical treatment on and just fell asleep. my ass doesn’t look bad, but my thighs are terrible. swollen and black and the physical pain I dealt with yesterday was equal to being in a car accident.

Funny I still ran, still did yoga, still made it through work, but the tears were not emotional they were tears from bad pain.

I have no idea if it was the impliments, the body part, or the inability to allow myself to let go, but I can’t ever deal with that kind of drop again.

I showed N the bruises and her reaction “wtf did he do to you?”

Then I showed her the harness and she could see most of it was from that. 

I’m better today, I took the only path I could think of to get through it, I traded bad pain for good, took a hot as hell bath, got good hugs from n, chocolate wine and a cigarette, along with many conversations with Sir.

This is the reason I sometimes want to run back to safe boring vanilla, to not deal with all of the pain.


It was a long yet short weekend. now I’m back to work. my thighs are killing me from thinking being a human pinata was a good thing.

I spent the last two hours in a mandatory hr training on being professional. the three people from my department learned we may be the most unprofessional group in the company and we r ok with it. 

Oh a funny that I forgot to tell sir, n had it in her head she wants to dom a guy and somehow started up talks with the couple. I told her thanks but nope, not my thing. the female asked me saturday night and I told her the same, but she was a bit gone so I said let me know what your plan is, but my answer is still nope. 

I really believe that if I ever dommed a male, I’d not be able to keep control. it’d be like the last scene with fet girl times  100. 

I don’t think I had any crazy dreams last night, since I slept until almost 6:30.

I’m mushy, cold and needing some lap time.

Return to Wonderland

I had this issue, so here I am with a decent knowledge of the NYC Fetish scene but where do I bring someone that’s only reference is Europe? No,  notthe actual wonderland party, but my version of wonderland. My every kinky dream in one place. FGD was going and I know the reasons behind it. Basically a pissing contest with his ex. For me it was a way to bring the Marquis into a play oriented space to see if she was as big of a presence as I thought she could be.

In hind site, this was as good of a move as I could have made. The clicks that were there the last time burst wide open to us and by the end of the party there was not one person there that we didn’t at least have a bit of small talk with.I’m generally not one to make big social jumps, but that’s what we did last night. The attention whore in FGD could not have been happier, but the entire time I just wished Sir was there. He would have been so proud.

We got there first, showed bible girl around. It was funny to see her amazement, even though I think she’s a real POS. I told FGD that the only piece of equipment I hated was the coffin. The marquis showed in full regalia, latex, corset and big powdered wig, with her husband in sub dress, plain back latex. She was like 10 feet tall and a real sight to see. The female host stopped dead in her tracks as she saw her walk through the door, I leaned in and said…I told you I had someone that I thought you’d like at your event. At the end of the night she thanked me and it was just a good feeling.

Time for a long travel to yoga. Side note, my resolution of Sunday only being for brunch and yoga is working well with little effort.


You can’t go home again

Last night was a real slap in the face for me.

When Sir first met me I lived in the forgotten boro. Forgotten by the rest of the city and in some ways time itself. I know in just the past couple of years it has changed and not for the better.

It was my step-sons confirmation dinner. A great Italian restaurant. That’s the one thing that they have over all he other boros, the food. It may not have the vast selection, but the food of the nationalities that live there is near perfection.

As soon as I came in I was greeted not by a little kid, but by an almost young man. Still all hugs and cuddles, but now two inches taller than me and a voice that promises to be as deep as Sirs. I said my hellos to the family and his mom. The bride and groom were not there yet, but I have no need of them to put me at ease. I’m now just as much one of them as I could be in our mutual disdain of my ex.

As with all family gatherings the more some people drank the more offensive they became. This family no different, there was the asshole of the group. Freshly engaged, he looked like the guy from the jersey shore tv show, you know the druggie. He sadly acted like it and as he drank more his political views came out in the most offensive way possible. I’m not shocked by it as it is the popular mind frame of the people there. Yet this guy pushed it further, condoning rape and many other things. He was told multiple time that this was not the place for such talk and I got a few digs in, but…he is really family and I’m not. So the grandfather took over the fight with him while I left for a smoke. His fiance just sat there and nodded her head in agreement with him.

Now let me just say this place is a mere one bud stop from where I live now, separated by a bridge. The bridge is the great divide. The majority of the residents started on this side and moved there for space and houses and yards. They are secular and whenever you have that mind frame it breeds ignorance.

While I was outside I listen to some of the most ridiculous conversations and notice that at the deli across the street was an old white man with a chair outside listening to metal music. I paid him little mind.

I went back in and the bride showed. We ended up on a topic of her move to my neighborhood and I told her trust me, it will take time to adjust, but then you’ll come back and you will see all the stuff you didn’t and wonder how the fuck you ever lived here.

The mother just kept talking to me about my ex and the fights they have and on and on. I stopped her and told her the greatest thing I have going for me is as soon as the divorce goes through I have no connections to him at all. I will stay in my stepsons life, he can’t stop that but I never have to hear of him again. In other words shut up. Then she changes topics to having more kids, come on, now are you just going to hit every topic that will make me want to punch you in the face. The bride steeped in twice and the second time told her sister, enough, go back to your seat. She honestly wasn’t being mean, she is just that stupid.

The asshole started up again, me being on the other end of the table from my stepson excused myself saying that I had to go take my cunt to pee. Since he felt it was ok to refer to all woman as pussy’s. He looked offended that I referred to myself as a cunt. Funny the words that will shock people. I then said I can’t do this and went outside.

This is where the slap comes in. I listen to these two drunk, blue collar, over cologned asshats discussing how they are going to become real estate moguls. Gentrification has started in some of the bad neighborhoods there. They referred to the yuppies moving in, I laughed and said, no those are hipsters, but since I was a woman they pretended to ignore me. I tapped one on the shoulder and said “you see, I’m a yuppie, a hipster is much different, the yuppies know to leave this shit hole and all the assholes in it”. Oddly I got no reaction, they went back inside. I just needed to get the anger out before i had to go back in too. By this point half the table was drunk and I was still nursing my first and only glass of wine. I know better than to drink in certain people’s company.

Before I went in a car pulled up. A young girl driving, music on, her mom gets out. A white woman around my age, well dressed, but a mess. Goes over to the old guy at the deli and I’m like Am I really seeing this? Yup, I was a fucking drug deal. They didn’t even try to hide it and as the woman gets back into her daughter’s care she yells at her for having the music too loud. It wasn’t loud. to which her daughter responds, mom just get in the fucking care before you get us arrested. At this point I’m like holy crap, maybe it’s better to go inside. 5 women walk out, drunk, probably high. One says oh, remember that patient, says the full name, address, condition and how they would know them that included about five people along with what this person did for a living. Hello Hippa? As I’m walking in the door I say that aloud.

I pass the bar to get back to the table and caught a smell that only exists on the island. It through me back to a time when I waitresses and the waiters from the Italian restaurants would come to eat after the shifts were over. It’s a horrible smell of stale liquor, garlic and too much cologne, it’s coming from a couple at the end of the bar and I catch him saying to her, well we could just get a whore like her and fuck her. Dude, I’m dressed like I work in an office, not an ounce of anything showing and your girls tits are resting on the bar. Not a fucking chance in hell that you’d ever fuck me. He tried to grab my ass as I passed.

So I get to the table and leaving out the last story proceed to tell the bride of all the things I saw while outside. I tell her…guess what, once your gone all the things your were blind to you now see and you can never come home again.




Fuck you

I remembered some of my dream from last night. I woke up again totally stressed out and I stayed still to keep the memory.

For the first time in my life, I’m having political nightmares. not just living them but having then every night.

So from what I can recall, basically  nyc goes in lock down. oddly I still have my job, just working from home. sick people still get sick so I guess that logically worked. we were allowed 2 safe hours a week to go out. I was upset because I couldn’t see Sir or go to yoga. I started teaching daily to the people in my building. I started a yoga class in the hallway. it was so real and bizarre.

That’s why I’ve been waking up and the first thing I want to do us go to the gym!

Bad dreams

Sir and I went to sleep too early last night.  I skipped yoga, packed away the Halloween decorations, cooked and watched tv. A very lazy night since my knee still hurt.

I had horrible dreams. I don’t recall much. I just knew by 5am I was too afraid to sleep. so I got up and went for a run. I’m pooped, sad, just all around not interested in life today. What sucks worse, I have a three hour meeting.

I woke up with the most horrible feeling. total despair. it really sucked. you know what helped? Sirs messages and emails. he didn’t stay asleep either. the act of a simple email or text reminds me not to sink into that pit of despair. I just wish it wasn’t always looming around me.

Time to get some things done, I could really use a nap