Don’t hurt yourself

Funny thing for a masochist to say?

I found myself wanting to do that yeaterday. 

Straight from work I went to see the widow in the hospital. there’s not a doubt in my mind she has become anorexic. her weight when I last saw her scared me. she’s a runner and biker, always small, but she had muscle. 

She passed out riding her bike and collapsed her cheekbone. after the reconstruction they needed to find out why.

One of her friends said in the softest way that it was her eating. the funny thing is, after the trauma, she looked good. a couple of days of food, fluids and steriods, her face filled in again.

I stayed with her until the paramedics came to transfer her and then started to walk back to the subway. it was a nice night. I looked at the entrance and kept walking.

At this time it was after 7 and I had only had 500 calories. my brain knew this but my mouth had that bitter taste. the taste that prevents hunger. Stress causes me to shut down pain. I shut I down until there’s so much I don’t want it to go away.

I gave in and entered the subway. walking home I had a long conversation with myself. do I say it’s too late and just go to bed, do I have a glass of too strong red wine to kill the taste or do I do what I know I should and stop the pain that had started.

You see I like the feeling of being hugry. I forgot that. I forgot it because when I work out I get really bitchy before the pain starts and I eat only to change my mood. yesterday I skipped the gym to see her and the anger never came.

I rationalized that I must eat because today I would put in a three hour workout and if I did this on an empty stomach I’d struggle. 

Dogs walked, I cooked as I called Sir, I ate still standing. This is the weight I struggle at. 

We spoke of her, what we all know that caused the injury. I told him that I had considered not having dinner. That’s  a big thing for me, to admit that I still, after years of “recovery” have those times that I can so easily fall back into old unhealthy habits. 

Sir said he blames the asshat boyfriend for not staying on top of her and making her eat.

This statement brings me back to yesterday’s post, we take care of eachother. the funny thing…I know am slowly getting to the point that due to his care and concern, I’m starting to be able to care for me too.

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