Drop and shock

Anyone that knows me, kniws I drop pretty damn hard. it usually takes a few days and it’s mostly a very emotional thing. 

Yet the scene saturday was different. I had been in a parachute harness that it alone caused very bad bruising. there was also more caning than I’d ever previously had and my the aftermath of the impact was…just different. 

Yesterday it was cold, but to me it was like the arctic. it was in my bones like I was naked on a glacier. I couldn’t figure out why until the tears started. it was only a day after, too soon for me.

I started to go back and reevaluate why this was happening. a big part was I came out of the scene too soon. a big part of it being that with new people around and in a foreign play space I was not comfortable with showing any vonerability. 

I also didn’t have Sir there so I think I shunned any physical aftercare. I really didn’t comprehend the amount of physical injury I had just taken.

When I got home, I fucked up again. I put no topical treatment on and just fell asleep. my ass doesn’t look bad, but my thighs are terrible. swollen and black and the physical pain I dealt with yesterday was equal to being in a car accident.

Funny I still ran, still did yoga, still made it through work, but the tears were not emotional they were tears from bad pain.

I have no idea if it was the impliments, the body part, or the inability to allow myself to let go, but I can’t ever deal with that kind of drop again.

I showed N the bruises and her reaction “wtf did he do to you?”

Then I showed her the harness and she could see most of it was from that. 

I’m better today, I took the only path I could think of to get through it, I traded bad pain for good, took a hot as hell bath, got good hugs from n, chocolate wine and a cigarette, along with many conversations with Sir.

This is the reason I sometimes want to run back to safe boring vanilla, to not deal with all of the pain.