Shared blame

Last night I messed up.

Happy Tuesday was set to fall during yoga class. It was a bad class and I dislocated my patella. A mixture of pushing to hard and just a practice with too many lunges, not for anyone with a knee injury. I should have backed out of it when I got even a little unstable and the teacher should have warned me when I told him about my knees.

So it was both mine and the teachers fault.

When I left, my main goal was to get home, get food in me and my knee up.

I called Sir as soon as I got in, I didnt even look at my cell phone until after our call ended. I forgot tuesday. I got wrapped up in keeping my schedule. had I said happy Tuesday all would have been ok. 

But the first world were not that. what happened after…really wasnt a punishment. Sir is not big on that, mainly because there’s not too many ways to punish me other than cutting off contact.

What followed was pain and denial and what I needed to calm my rather busy and distracted mind. honestly before last night, I can’t recall the last time we had a scene over the phone. The clovers, the Hitachi and the plug. it felt good to cry again, to get rid of the constant analysis of …. everything.

It was an instance that vanilla life took over and like with the yoga teacher,  the blame was shared.  It crossed my mind a few times to ask for pain. I would have if C didn’t cancel. To also ask for a reminder, since I get lonely. Each time I thought to, something would come up or I’d be on my way to go somewhere. So the dynamic fell aside. 

Today I’m better, soaking wet, 100 edges done, yet calm. I see D/s largely as two halfs of a whole. So it’s never one person getting lazy, it’s a shared blame. 

I adore Sirs need to give me pain, cuddle with me and our long good talks about everything. We have balance and show each other all parts. I think of it less as lazy and more than the need for completion of mundane tasks got in the way.

One thing I know I have to improve on is voicing when I need the pain. There’s two things that happen when I go too long without it, one I get too needy, the other I get too type a. 

Happy Tuesday is one of the most endearing parts of our relationship. It’s a reminder that a chance phone call has resulted in almost two years of adventures, caring and support on both sides. 

Today will be a sad day for Sir. So I’m sending him a big hug. It may be Wednesday, but with each word, text and email, it will always be Happy Tuesday.

Don’t hurt yourself

Funny thing for a masochist to say?

I found myself wanting to do that yeaterday. 

Straight from work I went to see the widow in the hospital. there’s not a doubt in my mind she has become anorexic. her weight when I last saw her scared me. she’s a runner and biker, always small, but she had muscle. 

She passed out riding her bike and collapsed her cheekbone. after the reconstruction they needed to find out why.

One of her friends said in the softest way that it was her eating. the funny thing is, after the trauma, she looked good. a couple of days of food, fluids and steriods, her face filled in again.

I stayed with her until the paramedics came to transfer her and then started to walk back to the subway. it was a nice night. I looked at the entrance and kept walking.

At this time it was after 7 and I had only had 500 calories. my brain knew this but my mouth had that bitter taste. the taste that prevents hunger. Stress causes me to shut down pain. I shut I down until there’s so much I don’t want it to go away.

I gave in and entered the subway. walking home I had a long conversation with myself. do I say it’s too late and just go to bed, do I have a glass of too strong red wine to kill the taste or do I do what I know I should and stop the pain that had started.

You see I like the feeling of being hugry. I forgot that. I forgot it because when I work out I get really bitchy before the pain starts and I eat only to change my mood. yesterday I skipped the gym to see her and the anger never came.

I rationalized that I must eat because today I would put in a three hour workout and if I did this on an empty stomach I’d struggle. 

Dogs walked, I cooked as I called Sir, I ate still standing. This is the weight I struggle at. 

We spoke of her, what we all know that caused the injury. I told him that I had considered not having dinner. That’s  a big thing for me, to admit that I still, after years of “recovery” have those times that I can so easily fall back into old unhealthy habits. 

Sir said he blames the asshat boyfriend for not staying on top of her and making her eat.

This statement brings me back to yesterday’s post, we take care of eachother. the funny thing…I know am slowly getting to the point that due to his care and concern, I’m starting to be able to care for me too.

You’re a douchedom 

I was reminded how lucky I am to have Sir last night. 

I had a great weekend. A bit too busy, but fun. This is what happens when I say im relaxing. I end up over planning. 

After a run, 2 yoga classes, brunch with a good kinky friend, I went on a first meet with a girl from cs. I should have not gone in hind site.  There’s something off about her.  I know this sounds shitty, but she’s not on my level.  She had no balance. Or at least that’s how I’m seeing things today. She’s very damaged and the motherly part of me sees these kind of people and wants to rescue them.  The truth, she just has a different dynamic than I do and the more of a douchedom he was, the subbier she got.

See, almost 2 years ago Sir asked me to hold his hand and that’s what I do.  I’ve trusted him enough to obey. Last  night I witnessed the opposite. She obeys out of fear. Plus he showed up drunk  

I really should have just walked or when he came.  It was planned as the two of us meeting, but I can understand having or wanting your dom there for security reasons. A heads up would have been nice.

As soon as I got  home all I wanted was to hear Sirs voice.  I don’t tell him often enough how happy he makes me, sorry, I know I should. 

The one thing I noticed was there was only a dynamic with them. There was no vanilla relationship. it was strict M/s. That really for some reason pissed me of. I try not to judge, but,  I’m not able to look past it. Plus his mannerisms made me go right to,  the you’re  not my dom mindset. I tried to stay respectful, but no,he’s a douchedom. 

Sir has a real interest when he questions people. There’s a noticable finess to his words. Most days I believe Sir cares for me more than I do. I wish I could give him a big big hug. 

Dear Sir

I remember telling you I wanted a partner in this lifestyle. I’m lucky because that’s what I have. last night made me see more clearly how well we take care of each other. 

Missing  you, your  mushy slave 

Yesterday…blah x3

It was a weird day of watching some of the worst political appointments ever. It was as though ever crazy person and criminal got a chance to lead our country. No work got done by anyone in the office, being it was Veteran’s day and there was a skeleton staff to begin with.

I spent most of the day reading the news and trying to figure out how to get through the holiday’s financially and emotionally. One saving Grace is a friend from far away will be coming in to visit. This distraction and company is going to be what I need to not fall into the black hole that can be Christmas. When she leaves, Sir will be in, so a steady stream of people I actually like might be a good thing.

The original plan was visit a new yoga studio and then have “the conversation” with C. The spineless bitch she is…cancelled. So I went and ran for a half hour then went to a restorative class. It’s a new studio that I have a groupon for a month unlimited. I think I paid 40 bucks for it and after hearing there normal prices, it will be a one month only thing. Plus it’s in downtown Bklyn and even though the neighborhood is not as bad as it used to be, it’s still not good at night. I had a few crazy run-ins there and I’m not liking the travel. I can make it into the city quicker.

I decided last night in my sleep that I am so happy with my Sunday plans that every weekend that Sir is not here I’m resolving that Sunday is for brunch and yoga only. I’m giving myself one day a week to just do what I like.

Later today I have to deal with my mother. It;s been a very long time since I’ve seen her. Since the whole coat and tanking my credit conversation. She pissed me off but now that the holidays are coming it’s time to make amends. She wants to go shopping and asked what I’d like for Christmas, I almost said a coat… you bitch, but held back.

Christ, it’s not even 7 am and my neighbors are fighting and moving furniture? Time to get out of here and start this day.


I just don’t know

Today has been a day of nothing but political talk in the office.  Sir may be surprised to hear I’m oddly one of the most informed.  I must admit my wiki reading has taken a back seat to all of the nyc papers 

There’s a chance c may not show tonight,  shocking,  right? 

I just need to get through the day.  get to yoga, If she cancels,my plan is do more yoga. 

People in general are pissing me off. my head is to noisy. do you know I wake up every morning with a song in my head? my dreams must have soundtracks. they are never songs I like. today was “move it” annoying, but even more annoying it was the Disney Madagascar version. 

Sore slave and the bj

Yesterday was a really bad recovery day. all of the pain from the parties and running and the parade hit all at once.

I tried yoga to get moving again, but that didn’t work.

Sir extended his stay a day and it was good to see him when I returned from work.

I felt bad that by 9:30 I could no longer keep my eyes open.

At some point sleeping I felt his cock. I had little memory of anything prior to taking it into my mouth. so not only do I Hitachi myself in my sleep but now I can add sleeping blow jobs to my weird list of kinks.

I (with no inhibitions) ducked and lucked till he came. then put my head back down and continued to sleep.

I woke thinking it was some perverse dream until I read his email.

Sir was thinking of our scene at the second party. I really can’t write much about it because I have no memory of it at all. I do know I came so hard I passed out. as I came too, his finger was on my pulse and I was being told to drink. 

So with “cock brain” he came into the room but touching my as and nipple I gave bad pain moans. he said then I reached for his cock. guess even sire my need to be used kicks in.

Funny that in vanilla world I hated ducking cock, now I look forward to hearing that good moan as sir cums.

Shit, now I have a wet cut and heading to a meeting, but time to wake Sir first.


A very old friend of mine found this event. We had done wanderlust together and she thought it would be something that the “bad yogis” would really enjoy. So a few months ago we brought the tickets for just one day (to test the waters).

It was to be me, her and the bride. Three of us that love yoga, but to he local community are just bad people. What I mean by that is we are not vegans, we smoke and generally have some anger management issues. To us this is what makes yoga perfect, it basically stops us from acting on our anger, but in a “community” based environment, we just don’t fit in. Our general motto is just “fuck them”.

My friend got super sick and has been bed bound for days, so the mastermind of this event missed it. We kept her in the loop, sent her pics and a review, promising next year we would go for the entire weekend and make areal trip out of it.

As with most things, it was an adventure. First getting stuck in Friday rush hour traffic in the city. A few very illegal maneuvers and we were on our way. Five hours later (it should have been a 2 maybe 3 hour trip) we are 6 miles from the hotel and the E light flashes on. The traffic causing the full tank of gas to disappear. I look on my phone and there 3 gas stations. One closed, one the other way and the last ……well pretty damn far. As luck would have it there’s nothing around….at all. So the normal chatter stops and as the tress pass by we get really quiet, neither one of us wanting to say just how nervous we are. At the 2 mile mark I say I’m going to check again for gas stations and boom, no cell reception. Now we can’t even call AAA. We are coasting mostly down hill. The gps says one mile. We find out later we both thought, ok a mile, at least we can walk that with no problem. I tell the bride “watch the damn gas station will be right next to the hotel!”.

We round the corner and like a damn beacon of hop we see the gas station and right next to it the inn we were staying at. We both totally break down in laughter and tears. I give her my back card and say please, god just fill it up!

We check into the hotel and by this point we’ve had it. We open a bottle of wine and a bag of crappy diet chips and decide we are going to call that dinner since it’s almost 10pm in a sleepy mountain town.

Now when I had gotten into the car the first thing I said was I have wine, she replied, so do I. then I said you bring an opener, did I! We are both of the same mind in many things!.

The inn was cute, clean and met the general requirements for sleep and that’s all we needed. I later found out that I was talking in my sleep and there were wolves howling all night, so the bride, very unlike me didn’t get that much rest.

The following day we head in the car for the fifteen minute trip to the chalet only to find if we would have gone just a block past the inn there was an entire town of restaurants and shops, so our empty bellies could have been full. At this point it was too late and we had already pilfered the free breakfast and stuffed our bags of muffins and danishes for after or hell in for her during yoga! At that moment we resolves that when we were done we were heading to a local brewery after and having a beer and steak sandwich, because that’s just what is “bad yogis” do.

More later, time to do the laundry 🙂



Ahimsa and the circus 

The day of the event I got to my first class in the nik of time. check in was a long process and I was looking forward to my first tantra class.  the bride had some time to kill,  so she waited for me to be done. 

There were some really creepy guys that must have thought it was a different kind of tantra class  

We went from there to a hips and hammies class. the teacher totally messed up and almost ended the class at half time. 

The bride went to another class and I killed some time walking around the vendors, brought some amazing tea. 

My last class was the one I was most excited for. Rasa. It us a practice I’ve been looking into for a couple of months. I didn’t read the fine print. 

I set up in the first row then noticed the teachers from the other two classes coming in and setting up. I start to take notice that the crowd was slightly (more than slightly) more well dressed and prepared than the other classes. the girl next to me asked where I taught and I said no where, she said shhhh, me neither. turns out we were in a w hour masters class.

We both did really well and the only thing I couldn’t do was the head stand but it was mainly due to the amount of tea I had before. I got one leg up and almost golden showered my head! 


the tea lady was a real asshole, but her tea was magical.

the circus:

Smg and I had plans to get together Sunday night. maybe a drink or a movie, just something to get caught up. she texted sarong sure had tickets to a burlesque show. 

I said sure and 3 trains later was wandering lost in a desolate part of hipsterville. she found me and we went in. it was am aireal wonderland. turns out this was a circus school. 

We chatted and laughed and then watched a pretty good show, complete with fandancers  and a drag queen mc.

Since the tickets were so cheap we decided to treat ourselves to a can home. to date it was the most expensive can ride I’ve ever paid for! yet totally worth it.

AND now, back at my desk, back in the real world.

Weird days

Yesterday work was work, we were all tired and defeated looking.

I did the only thing I could since sir wasn’t here, I went to the gym.

I needed the pain, it’s a shitty never ending cycle in my life and the only way I can clear my head. I walked into the gym, looked at the girl at the counter, looked at the gym floor and it was dead empty. She said ” they are all too sad to work out”. I told her I’d asked for a bereavement day and got declined.

After a good hour run, I headed up to crazy lady. she was early, she’s never early. there was a total of three including her in the class, she for the first time set up her mat and we did the practice together. at the end she said “I needed that”, fave me a big hug, told me she lived me and that she us very afraid for us all. this is the first time since she became a citizen over forty years ago that she cared who won the election.

I left in a slightly better heads pace than I went there in. L and M came by for coffee. he was all excited b ease they had a play date this weekend and got M to swing. 

I did what any good kinky friend would and listened, I was happy he was happy, but I’m not a gory details kind of girl.

I’M just looking forward to a run and a rest tonight. thus weekend is vanilla, with a few kinky people but I’m tured, burnt out. looking for a future, an end gane, a goal.