Christmas redo

Last night was the Christmas I should have had the first time around.

L drove me home and the best thing was seeing Sir at my door. I found just the same food I served him on the very first visit. I think both of us are  different now. I know I’ve changed and maybe I’ve just gotten to know him better but to me he’s changed as well.

I believe over the past 2 years we’ve both learned to let our walls come down. His gifts were there and I’m glad he enjoyed the puzzle of the 50 states with the capitols. An inside joke between us and anyone that’s ever witnessed a scene when he is away.

I like to give gifts of thought and experience. So tonight what promises to be the closest thing nyc has to crazy horse. 

We had good cuddles and hugs and I finally got my much needed lap time.

I have a million little things to do but none are a burden. Mostly because I know Sir is waiting here for me.


I just checked the last thing from my list. That us until tomorrow when I will sneak out, go to yoga, run and wake you with a nice fresh beakfast 

I was talking to n about the difference between doing something alone and doing something for yourself. I don’t think she realized it.

I do things for myself all if the time now, I never did in the past. I would start to do things alone and give up.

So she set a three year goal that she thought she was doing alone and I think now she understands the difference. I told her you do it for yourself, but you will not be alone because you will have me and your friends cheering you on.

For many years I was really good at setting people up to succeed, but not taking the time to do the same for me.

So I know I may be selfish and do things for me but I’m not alone. I’m tired and mushy. 100 random thoughts in my head, for now I just need to get through a few more hours. 

I’m not body tired, I’m soul tired. 

Missing you

It’s funny how as the visit gets closer I miss you more. It’s that feeling of being on a long line and you’re finally next.

Seems like the weather is always against us yet we manage to get through it. 

I’m mushy and I have no energy. The cunt brain of last weekend is gone, replaced by a silly slave girl that just wants to sit in her Sirs lap and cry. Not sad tears, but tears of relief.

The relief coming from the fact I made it through all the things that happened since your last visit without falling too far backwards. I did that because of you. Not because of my fear of dissapointing you as much as my need to show you that your support makes a difference.

Office stuff to do.


Just a few hours left to get ready for Sirs visit. I went to bed super early last night. My head was pounding from the weather and a crazy tom of stress and general over thinking.

I was up well before the sun and getting shot done. I still have a decent list of crap left, but nothing too crazy. I may even take a long mid-day bath to unwind and I’m pretty sore from my run this morning.

I’m still sad and stressed but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s a long good talk and a good hug sitting on Sir’s lap.


No feelings

I’ve been sitting here, looking at a blank screen. Sir said write what you feel. That’s it, right now I don’t really feel at all.

I’m not to the ice queen stage yet. I feel like I’m heading there except I feel like it’s more to shut out a mix of drop and anger  

I’m past the real tears part and I’m at the pit of disgust phase. I have no appetite. Everything taste like stomach acid.

I just need to get through the next couple of days. I still have things to get for Sirs visit, dogs to groom, laundry and wrapping if his gifts. 

I’ll get that all done tomorrow and then n will come by for a visit after yoga. It will be the first visit since the conversation about changing our relationship. Ugh, I’m both wet and horrified. Well, see, I guess I am feeling something. It’s just on the outskirts of my brain. It’s like I felt too much and now I’m numb. 

You know it occurred to me the other day that I’ve subconsciencely been grooming her. Girls are pretty horrible creatures. I spent a year telling her all about the people, parties and rules. I also think then I purposely introduced her to people that I wanted her to play with, not out of some altruistic thing, but to bring her to a similar level. 

I don’t know how I feel about what I now see I did so clearly.

It’s a horrible thing to feel so deeply

I was really good at shutting shit down.
So I have two very large things running through my head. One vanilla one kink.


There was a scene that I had hit subspace, orgasmed and passed out. Ever since that I’ve lost time whenever I let go. This is making me either not allow myself to hit subspace or what I feel is worse, hit it and then run the risk of not being able to consent. The easy thing is to not take on any new partners and keep myself safe. It also means I need to go back to treating my partners as though they are new. The rules need to be reinforced and I need to make certain that I start to negotiate again. I keep thinking of all of the bad things that can happen if I end up in the wrong scene. It’s causing nightmares. It’s like when I was new and would be totally non verbal. Not to say I speak much better now, but if I want a scene to stop I’m better with the non-verbal actions and maybe not even that but the people I play with understand when something is going wrong.


Merry Christmas, here’s your fucking divorce.

That’s really what it felt like. Last night it was the elephant in the room. I looked at my aunt and every time she looked at me tears would form in the corner of her eye. I was a chicken and as a result she paid the emotional price. I asked the SOB to drop the papers in her mailbox, but I should have known he wouldn’t listen and instead waited till she was home and rang the bell, thus serving her on Christmas Eve. She said all he said was I just want her to be happy, as though he had no fault what so ever in the dissolution of this “union”. Then the mother fucker has the nerve to put post it’s on the papers saying I need this one paper notarized that it is a waiver of a third party server. He forgot that I’ve worked in health insurance for 20 years. It was a waiver of health insurance. See I can fucking read. It’s taking every ounce of control not to call him and go off. Why lie? I know how this shit works and my company is well aware that I will need to enroll in their plan. I have the paper work, I’m prepared for this, WHY LIE???????

I don’t like being made to look like a fool. I don’t like this feeling of pure rage that I have. Last night as I unlocked my door the tears came. It took me almost an hour to calm down so I could call Sir and not totally ruin his holiday.

Sir says to put this aside and not deal with it until after the new year and I understand that. Much preparation has been put into this visit and it is our Christmas time. I sealed the papers and put them in the drawer not to come out until after he leaves. I’m pretty certain that I’ll get a text wanting to pick them up because now he feels it’s in my court and I’m much more efficient then he is. The file date was back in October. So now I’ll just ignore him. That’s the best way to get to a submissive person, right? It took him months to drop them off, so now…Welcome to the game. I may just count the days he had them and then do the same. Only issue is that will bring me to approximately my birthday and I really don’t feel like dealing with that and destroying yet another happy time with his misery. I guess we will see just how fucking spiteful I can really be.

Both of these problems run the risk of exactly the same outcome. Me going off the deep end. I feel most bad for the people in my life that are going to have too pull me back to reality. It’s going to be hard. I could easily slip back to old habits. I could start the drinking again and close everyone out. That’s an easy way to go numb. I could turn into a bad whore and lose Sir. I don’t know if I could recover after that. I’m going to try to do the right thing and reach for his hand. I’m going to use the people that are here to help.

I’ve had a really hard time historically admitting that I can’t always be the strong one. I want to be, but life has a way of reminding you that the joy you get from helping other must be returned and this time I’m going to reach out, or at least try. I need to stop having long conversations in my head and say the words. I need to learn to say please help me, something is wrong.

Cunt Brain- as all of this is turning in my head the result of a rather short scene with O I was left with a nasty version of cunt brain. FGD said that those who don’t take risk will never drink champagne, so I’m going to try very hard in a sane fashion to remove the walls I’ve built between my friends and I. That’s going to be tricky, but I need to stop getting to a certain point and then shutting them out. I can see that there is a real possibility to achieve some perverse sense of happiness.

This runs with the cunt brain. I have so many scenes that could now be possible since I have people that I can trust around me. There will come a point that like little N I’ll want to celebrate my divorce. I thought, hey maybe all girl orgy, but that’s a logistical nightmare and plus Sir would only hear about it. So then I thought of something different. That’s a blog for another time when I can fully formulate it and not be influenced by the anger that is there. I need to run. Make my body hurt in a good way and reach out to the people that will be there for me.

Merry christmas

So this blog could have had a 100 titles. Russian girl are bat shit crazy, the Christmas walk of shame, the self destructing slave, just to name a few.

I’m writing this from a subway station. Wearing yesterday’s clothes with the worst breathe oive ever had, thanks to lactation and too much wine.

Everything was going well last night. Or so I thought. Under the surface the o orgy couple must have been fighting or at least she was pissed. 

I’m thinking she was told “oh, it’s a vanilla event” and it was, until everyone left. I only stayed thinking I’d get a ride home or I’d have been gone long before she freaked and said, no, nope, we are leaving in a puff. 

O and her husband looked at me and asked if I was going with them. I had a total fg and FGD flash back. Hell no I wasn’t getting in the car with them. The two of them in full battle mode and me in the back seat, nope. O wisp here’s in my ear to stay. So I choose the lesser of two evils and decided I’ll do a Christmas walk of shame.

Also I have baby breathe, ugh, btw, breastfeeding mm olk, or at least hers is super sweet. Great, add lactation to the list of fetishes. 

We had a scene and as is the norm I don’t recall much, it’s too early. I know I was in fetal position when I came o u t of subspace. Funny I hit subspace hard from the act of drinking her milk. 

She made up the couch for me. Weird, I really thought they were more the sleep together type, but then there’s the baby. I told her I would leave early, kissed her good night and wished her a merry Christmas.

The one regret I have is this morning I had planned to wake up early and write all my friends a nice note to wake up to. Now by the time I complete my walk of shame, they will all be up. Maybe next year 


Yeah, so maybe yesterday’s blog should have had a warning label on it. I was in a bad bad head space and ugh, that’s where I was but not where I ended up.

I made it through work and felt like death by the end. I just wanted my bed and my puppies, but it was my becky birthday. He said something that really stuck with me the other day. I need to go out, I just need hugs. I felt so bad and I know exactly where he’s at. He’s newly divorced and his girlfriend lives further away than Sir. 

So no matter what, I was going fir a drink and giving becky the hug he needed.

Then home a kink friendly vanilla girl cane by. She also needed the company and escape from the pressures of the holidays and family  

We chatted till a little after 10.

As all if this is going on, I’m texting with a swingers girl. Really nice but physically not my type. Too masculine, but maybe I need to open up and try something new. I don’t generally do bitchy girls, but I’m at the point where I don’t really care, I just want that tit to tit feel and a mouth on my cunt. The package means little, as long as they are a decent person.

Oh then I got it into my head to suduce n. See in the vast types of relationships I’m kinda having all of them. So I started an analysis. 

SIR – my rock, the one person above all I trust.

N- my best friend, with the same soul as mine.

FGD – my service top and someone who will always give the right advice

The l’s- there no matter what, they always make me laugh, even though I know inside they are so very fucking sad

So the lists and analysis went on.
As I’m writing this I’m also texting FGD AND N. I’m done with missing out, so I decided to grow a set of balls and just put it out there. 

And I did

And, she has been thinking the same thing. So today I start a new chapter. A real fwb, no dynamic, equals. 


I’m still tired and so lonely.

I woke up and thought drop was gone and I kinda still do. This is just holiday blahs I think. 

I feel stuck. Like I’m moving no where. Ever get that quicksand feeling? That’s where I am right now.

I really think it’s this cold that keeps setting me back. I’m so in need of sleep but as I lay down my mind starts. The shitty self doubt creeps in. 

I had a conversation yesterday at work of how I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was. I was 95 pounds and the same height I am now. I was told to drop 10 pounds or get cut from a competition because they didn’t want a cow competing. Fucked up, no?

I have to tell myself every morning that I’m not fat. I look in the mirror and do that and then I plan how to stay not fat throughout the day. 

I feel two ways, if I was thinner, I’d be easier to love. If I was even thinner I could dissapear.

I told n last night that I really believed in many ways I’m unlovable. Mainly to myself. I think I’m trying to find other people to fill all of the holes in me, not the physical ones, that would be easy.

I’m empty

Breaking points

We all have then and mine was last night.

The day was helk, meetings, deadlines, got my period, del with my drop and n’s. I left work and headed to the oyster bar to meet the hostess.

I had treated myself to a really good glass of wine and sat at the bar. It was full of the typical douchbag bridge and tunnel make commuters and I laughed to myself that I felt like a high priced call girl sitting there. When she came, we grabbed a table and had an app, ordered another drink and chatted. The waiter was an asshole and I’ll be sending an email today to management. 

We left and went over to bryant park, grabbed the best hot chocolate and continued our conversation. She had no new stories of my misbehavior last weekend and she agreed it was the whiskey.

IN the midst  of this I texted my aunt a heads up, the divorce papers are to be in her mailbox today. Her respond “ok, merry christmas” I texted my mother “your fucking sister” the text failed. So the explosion was held in 

Not good. You see, my aunt really likes my ex. So what? I’m supposed to give a shit that she’s taking this hard. It’s been two years, he’s engaged and has a child with another woman. She needs to realize the timing is not good, but enough. I need to close this chapter already.

By the time I got home the black rage was boiling over. The train home took forever and I cried many times out of frustration.

I dropped my coat and called Sir. I ran at my mouth for a while about all I f the little things that added and my Internet was out. So as I’m resetting it, I’m crying. Hysterical alligator tears.

He talked to me in the dom voice and I started to calm, but it was still there. So even though it was late, he had mj e clamp my clit and then when the pure pain was enough, to use the hitachi on it until I begged to cum. I remember thinking as I orgasmed that I didn’t know if it would stop. Each time I thought it was another wave would hit and what stopped me…..a cough. 

Damn remnants of last week’s cold. I was calmer and the tears stopped. I accidently ripped the know off my nightstand trying to get to the vibrator. 

Today I’m just sad. My energy is at zero and I could easily cry again. But not with the rage and emotions of last night. These tears are different, almost tears of acceptance.