@$#/^&

I’m still tired and so lonely.

I woke up and thought drop was gone and I kinda still do. This is just holiday blahs I think. 

I feel stuck. Like I’m moving no where. Ever get that quicksand feeling? That’s where I am right now.

I really think it’s this cold that keeps setting me back. I’m so in need of sleep but as I lay down my mind starts. The shitty self doubt creeps in. 

I had a conversation yesterday at work of how I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was. I was 95 pounds and the same height I am now. I was told to drop 10 pounds or get cut from a competition because they didn’t want a cow competing. Fucked up, no?

I have to tell myself every morning that I’m not fat. I look in the mirror and do that and then I plan how to stay not fat throughout the day. 

I feel two ways, if I was thinner, I’d be easier to love. If I was even thinner I could dissapear.

I told n last night that I really believed in many ways I’m unlovable. Mainly to myself. I think I’m trying to find other people to fill all of the holes in me, not the physical ones, that would be easy.

I’m empty