It’s a horrible thing to feel so deeply

I was really good at shutting shit down.
So I have two very large things running through my head. One vanilla one kink.

Kink-

There was a scene that I had hit subspace, orgasmed and passed out. Ever since that I’ve lost time whenever I let go. This is making me either not allow myself to hit subspace or what I feel is worse, hit it and then run the risk of not being able to consent. The easy thing is to not take on any new partners and keep myself safe. It also means I need to go back to treating my partners as though they are new. The rules need to be reinforced and I need to make certain that I start to negotiate again. I keep thinking of all of the bad things that can happen if I end up in the wrong scene. It’s causing nightmares. It’s like when I was new and would be totally non verbal. Not to say I speak much better now, but if I want a scene to stop I’m better with the non-verbal actions and maybe not even that but the people I play with understand when something is going wrong.

Vanilla-

Merry Christmas, here’s your fucking divorce.

That’s really what it felt like. Last night it was the elephant in the room. I looked at my aunt and every time she looked at me tears would form in the corner of her eye. I was a chicken and as a result she paid the emotional price. I asked the SOB to drop the papers in her mailbox, but I should have known he wouldn’t listen and instead waited till she was home and rang the bell, thus serving her on Christmas Eve. She said all he said was I just want her to be happy, as though he had no fault what so ever in the dissolution of this “union”. Then the mother fucker has the nerve to put post it’s on the papers saying I need this one paper notarized that it is a waiver of a third party server. He forgot that I’ve worked in health insurance for 20 years. It was a waiver of health insurance. See I can fucking read. It’s taking every ounce of control not to call him and go off. Why lie? I know how this shit works and my company is well aware that I will need to enroll in their plan. I have the paper work, I’m prepared for this, WHY LIE???????

I don’t like being made to look like a fool. I don’t like this feeling of pure rage that I have. Last night as I unlocked my door the tears came. It took me almost an hour to calm down so I could call Sir and not totally ruin his holiday.

Sir says to put this aside and not deal with it until after the new year and I understand that. Much preparation has been put into this visit and it is our Christmas time. I sealed the papers and put them in the drawer not to come out until after he leaves. I’m pretty certain that I’ll get a text wanting to pick them up because now he feels it’s in my court and I’m much more efficient then he is. The file date was back in October. So now I’ll just ignore him. That’s the best way to get to a submissive person, right? It took him months to drop them off, so now…Welcome to the game. I may just count the days he had them and then do the same. Only issue is that will bring me to approximately my birthday and I really don’t feel like dealing with that and destroying yet another happy time with his misery. I guess we will see just how fucking spiteful I can really be.

Both of these problems run the risk of exactly the same outcome. Me going off the deep end. I feel most bad for the people in my life that are going to have too pull me back to reality. It’s going to be hard. I could easily slip back to old habits. I could start the drinking again and close everyone out. That’s an easy way to go numb. I could turn into a bad whore and lose Sir. I don’t know if I could recover after that. I’m going to try to do the right thing and reach for his hand. I’m going to use the people that are here to help.

I’ve had a really hard time historically admitting that I can’t always be the strong one. I want to be, but life has a way of reminding you that the joy you get from helping other must be returned and this time I’m going to reach out, or at least try. I need to stop having long conversations in my head and say the words. I need to learn to say please help me, something is wrong.

Cunt Brain- as all of this is turning in my head the result of a rather short scene with O I was left with a nasty version of cunt brain. FGD said that those who don’t take risk will never drink champagne, so I’m going to try very hard in a sane fashion to remove the walls I’ve built between my friends and I. That’s going to be tricky, but I need to stop getting to a certain point and then shutting them out. I can see that there is a real possibility to achieve some perverse sense of happiness.

This runs with the cunt brain. I have so many scenes that could now be possible since I have people that I can trust around me. There will come a point that like little N I’ll want to celebrate my divorce. I thought, hey maybe all girl orgy, but that’s a logistical nightmare and plus Sir would only hear about it. So then I thought of something different. That’s a blog for another time when I can fully formulate it and not be influenced by the anger that is there. I need to run. Make my body hurt in a good way and reach out to the people that will be there for me.

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