No feelings

I’ve been sitting here, looking at a blank screen. Sir said write what you feel. That’s it, right now I don’t really feel at all.

I’m not to the ice queen stage yet. I feel like I’m heading there except I feel like it’s more to shut out a mix of drop and anger  

I’m past the real tears part and I’m at the pit of disgust phase. I have no appetite. Everything taste like stomach acid.

I just need to get through the next couple of days. I still have things to get for Sirs visit, dogs to groom, laundry and wrapping if his gifts. 

I’ll get that all done tomorrow and then n will come by for a visit after yoga. It will be the first visit since the conversation about changing our relationship. Ugh, I’m both wet and horrified. Well, see, I guess I am feeling something. It’s just on the outskirts of my brain. It’s like I felt too much and now I’m numb. 

You know it occurred to me the other day that I’ve subconsciencely been grooming her. Girls are pretty horrible creatures. I spent a year telling her all about the people, parties and rules. I also think then I purposely introduced her to people that I wanted her to play with, not out of some altruistic thing, but to bring her to a similar level. 

I don’t know how I feel about what I now see I did so clearly.

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