I’m more than just my kinks

Or at least I used to be.

I was part of a family. Fuck that I was the head of a family. I ran a house, had a house.

Today I checked the boxes that makes all of that my past.

I’m left empty

To add insult to injury I get to deal with the tax guy too and it’s snowing!

So far I’ve cried 2, vomited once, sent 4 rather nasty emails. I just need to get through this day.

I told L, no more politics, stop the gloom and doom. Not today.

My bitch level is oddly at zero, I have no will to be nasty unless it us directly reactive. So don’t come at me and I’m fine.


I just don’t know

I’m afraid.

That’s due to so much, I really have this ball of fear building in the pit of my stomach the last few days.

I’m trying to get through today, just to get through tomorrow. With tomorrow will go well or not. I have not an ounce of control over that and it had my mind running.

It’s like I’m waiting for me to break. I feel it coming, I’m floating through life  crossing off tasks. Yet still ….

I survived

Hard week.

Many things happened this week that are just below the surface. I don’t know if I’m just letting life take me where it may or just ignoring stuff.

My neck went out, so after a rather painful day of work and not looking left at all I headed to the Chiro. I assumed my chiro was a pot head ex-hippie, but it turns out she takes these herbal supplements that are full of villiarian root. When I get stressed it’s all in my shoulders and my neck sadly pays the price. So between the vice grip on my face N had and the stress of life itself my neck was a mess. She adjusted it and it was instant relief, but we both knew it would be sore and some swelling would occur. She gave me 3 of her pills and she said it will just make you feel like you took a deep breath and exhaled. By the time I arrived home, she was right. I was much calmer. My shoulders were no longer earrings. I was breathing again.

FGD was looking for me to make him go out, but I just couldn’t. I had made plans with l, m and the kids for dinner. I wanted to treat them to a nice night out, since they are always there for me. I had mentioned to him in passing that I had the papers but needed to get them notarized. M turns out is a notary. So she had brought her stamp with her. L insisted he treat us to a bottle of wine with our meal and when he went out for a smoke and we did the paperwork, he came back in with a small bouquet of flowers. He said it was to bring life into the apartment. A sweet gesture. His daughter was off to meet friends and they dropped me to get her to her destination. As soon as he dropped her he called to see if I was ok and if not they would head right back over. I was ok, I don’t know how much of it was due to the meds or knowing that I have Sir and a good group of friends to lean  on.

I took three more pills before bed as directed and for the first night in about a month I slept solid. No waking up in a panic at 3 or 4. I feel clear, kind of energized.

This weekend I am taking it a little slower than normal. No kinky adventures, just time spent with the people that are good in my life. My mother and I also seem to be working things out. Since we had our long talk we communicate daily. No more bitchy texts. I unfollowed my aunt of facebook, so I hope that with a little time I can forgive her and her bashing of all that I believe in.

I really think the DT presidency is going to do wonders for the big pharma companies. The amount of stress that any aware citizen is under from him is going to skyrocket the needs for sedatives. This week alone I know of three people that went to doctors and ended up with anti-anxiety meds. This is the first time since 9-11 that I’m really scared, afraid for the policies we will be implementing on both a national and international basis.

Well it’s time to do laundry…..



Yoga and toys and such…

I had totally forgotten a conversation I had with Bob aND the hostess. We were at a switch munch and Bob had mentioned that an airbnb guest was a yoga teacher. Her stay corresponded with the two of us meeting. 

He was into martial arts and fighting but found it was making his soul agressive. Meeting the two of us and entering the kink community in a new country he took it as a sign he needed a change. On a whim he went to one of her classes and returned for 5 more that week.

She is vanilla so he had questions he couldn’t pose to her. He asked me do you find a link between kink and yoga? He said he thou g t there was, but his experience with both was limited and he wanted another opinion. The hostess over heard it and said she didnt.

I said yes, of course there is. She was all ears. Me being more subbie than her, I was able to explain. If you do a really hard strong practice the pain and rythm of your breathing can result in an altered state similar to subspace. For those who use ribbons, all it is is self suspension and bondage, she saw the correlation. The last point she understood the best, being a visual artist. Most slave pics are standard yoga poses.

By the end of our chat and much more discussion of the spiritual beliefs suck as live and key live vs your kink is not mine and that’s ok or the do no harm saying they both saw how my yoga and my kink are really one thing with limited seperation .

I bring this up because this morning I saw the host friended what I could only say is my dream. A family of kinky yogis!

I’m guessing she told him about the conversation or fate is stepping in and giving me some serious signs.

Oh side note ….toys. 

Thinking of an amazon order today.

A good hug

Can cure just about any emotional trauma. 

Time and time again n and I prove this. It’s funny we come from very different coultures, but have the same exact upbringing and similar life experiences.

We used to be able to do girls night weekly and due to some family changes, it’s just harder now to get time to chat. After lunch 

Continued via email to Sir

Bitch level 5000000000

It’s work, holy crap, people are over educated assholes today.

I stopped speaking English and resorted to guteral noises by 8 am.

Brightside -it’s keeping me from overthinking my actions of this weekend. So I guess that’s good.

You know no matter how many adventures I have there’s still that part of me that rips itself apart when I  have any remotely sexual experiences with a man. 

I think that’s why I once told Sir I thought I was a lesbian. I can’t understand why I don’t carry any guilt about woman. I mean I actually do, it’s forbidden, but feels natural to me. 

Blowing or kissing another man in a sexual manner doesn’t. Yet getting fucked from behind from a stranger while looking at Sir is ok? God my brain and moral code is totally fucked up. 

I say this because even though I get this shitty guilty pit in my stomach, in the moment, I enjoy it, even the BJ’s. 

Time to go be a douchbag and sh I w these over educated asshole how to get things done.

The real world

After this weekend bring back in reality is rather shitty. My orgy induced period is still going. I really thought that was all behind me.

Yesterday I was sore. L stopped by to brag about his hotel experience, he wasn’t prepared to hear mine. His reaction was what I thought. He was jealous he didn’t get an invite. He also made 2 rude comments that I felt were rather slut shaming. This is honestly why he’s my only slightly submissive male friend. 

I had a notion of putting together an orgy of my own friends but as I sat down to make a list. …it won’t work. There’s too many landmines. A few can be invited but it can’t be just them.

The dropsy twins came by after he left. They were smiles and laughs by the time they left.

I’m in an odd mood today. It’s a busy week and tonight is the only time I have for yoga. I’ll do much running this week, but I have too much other stuff going on.