I’m more than just my kinks

Or at least I used to be.

I was part of a family. Fuck that I was the head of a family. I ran a house, had a house.

Today I checked the boxes that makes all of that my past.

I’m left empty

To add insult to injury I get to deal with the tax guy too and it’s snowing!

So far I’ve cried 2, vomited once, sent 4 rather nasty emails. I just need to get through this day.

I told L, no more politics, stop the gloom and doom. Not today.

My bitch level is oddly at zero, I have no will to be nasty unless it us directly reactive. So don’t come at me and I’m fine.

I just don’t know

I’m afraid.

That’s due to so much, I really have this ball of fear building in the pit of my stomach the last few days.

I’m trying to get through today, just to get through tomorrow. With tomorrow will go well or not. I have not an ounce of control over that and it had my mind running.

It’s like I’m waiting for me to break. I feel it coming, I’m floating through life  crossing off tasks. Yet still ….

I survived

Hard week.

Many things happened this week that are just below the surface. I don’t know if I’m just letting life take me where it may or just ignoring stuff.

My neck went out, so after a rather painful day of work and not looking left at all I headed to the Chiro. I assumed my chiro was a pot head ex-hippie, but it turns out she takes these herbal supplements that are full of villiarian root. When I get stressed it’s all in my shoulders and my neck sadly pays the price. So between the vice grip on my face N had and the stress of life itself my neck was a mess. She adjusted it and it was instant relief, but we both knew it would be sore and some swelling would occur. She gave me 3 of her pills and she said it will just make you feel like you took a deep breath and exhaled. By the time I arrived home, she was right. I was much calmer. My shoulders were no longer earrings. I was breathing again.

FGD was looking for me to make him go out, but I just couldn’t. I had made plans with l, m and the kids for dinner. I wanted to treat them to a nice night out, since they are always there for me. I had mentioned to him in passing that I had the papers but needed to get them notarized. M turns out is a notary. So she had brought her stamp with her. L insisted he treat us to a bottle of wine with our meal and when he went out for a smoke and we did the paperwork, he came back in with a small bouquet of flowers. He said it was to bring life into the apartment. A sweet gesture. His daughter was off to meet friends and they dropped me to get her to her destination. As soon as he dropped her he called to see if I was ok and if not they would head right back over. I was ok, I don’t know how much of it was due to the meds or knowing that I have Sir and a good group of friends to lean  on.

I took three more pills before bed as directed and for the first night in about a month I slept solid. No waking up in a panic at 3 or 4. I feel clear, kind of energized.

This weekend I am taking it a little slower than normal. No kinky adventures, just time spent with the people that are good in my life. My mother and I also seem to be working things out. Since we had our long talk we communicate daily. No more bitchy texts. I unfollowed my aunt of facebook, so I hope that with a little time I can forgive her and her bashing of all that I believe in.

I really think the DT presidency is going to do wonders for the big pharma companies. The amount of stress that any aware citizen is under from him is going to skyrocket the needs for sedatives. This week alone I know of three people that went to doctors and ended up with anti-anxiety meds. This is the first time since 9-11 that I’m really scared, afraid for the policies we will be implementing on both a national and international basis.

Well it’s time to do laundry…..



Yoga and toys and such…

I had totally forgotten a conversation I had with Bob aND the hostess. We were at a switch munch and Bob had mentioned that an airbnb guest was a yoga teacher. Her stay corresponded with the two of us meeting. 

He was into martial arts and fighting but found it was making his soul agressive. Meeting the two of us and entering the kink community in a new country he took it as a sign he needed a change. On a whim he went to one of her classes and returned for 5 more that week.

She is vanilla so he had questions he couldn’t pose to her. He asked me do you find a link between kink and yoga? He said he thou g t there was, but his experience with both was limited and he wanted another opinion. The hostess over heard it and said she didnt.

I said yes, of course there is. She was all ears. Me being more subbie than her, I was able to explain. If you do a really hard strong practice the pain and rythm of your breathing can result in an altered state similar to subspace. For those who use ribbons, all it is is self suspension and bondage, she saw the correlation. The last point she understood the best, being a visual artist. Most slave pics are standard yoga poses.

By the end of our chat and much more discussion of the spiritual beliefs suck as live and key live vs your kink is not mine and that’s ok or the do no harm saying they both saw how my yoga and my kink are really one thing with limited seperation .

I bring this up because this morning I saw the host friended what I could only say is my dream. A family of kinky yogis!

I’m guessing she told him about the conversation or fate is stepping in and giving me some serious signs.

Oh side note ….toys. 

Thinking of an amazon order today.

A good hug

Can cure just about any emotional trauma. 

Time and time again n and I prove this. It’s funny we come from very different coultures, but have the same exact upbringing and similar life experiences.

We used to be able to do girls night weekly and due to some family changes, it’s just harder now to get time to chat. After lunch 

Continued via email to Sir

Bitch level 5000000000

It’s work, holy crap, people are over educated assholes today.

I stopped speaking English and resorted to guteral noises by 8 am.

Brightside -it’s keeping me from overthinking my actions of this weekend. So I guess that’s good.

You know no matter how many adventures I have there’s still that part of me that rips itself apart when I  have any remotely sexual experiences with a man. 

I think that’s why I once told Sir I thought I was a lesbian. I can’t understand why I don’t carry any guilt about woman. I mean I actually do, it’s forbidden, but feels natural to me. 

Blowing or kissing another man in a sexual manner doesn’t. Yet getting fucked from behind from a stranger while looking at Sir is ok? God my brain and moral code is totally fucked up. 

I say this because even though I get this shitty guilty pit in my stomach, in the moment, I enjoy it, even the BJ’s. 

Time to go be a douchbag and sh I w these over educated asshole how to get things done.

The real world

After this weekend bring back in reality is rather shitty. My orgy induced period is still going. I really thought that was all behind me.

Yesterday I was sore. L stopped by to brag about his hotel experience, he wasn’t prepared to hear mine. His reaction was what I thought. He was jealous he didn’t get an invite. He also made 2 rude comments that I felt were rather slut shaming. This is honestly why he’s my only slightly submissive male friend. 

I had a notion of putting together an orgy of my own friends but as I sat down to make a list. …it won’t work. There’s too many landmines. A few can be invited but it can’t be just them.

The dropsy twins came by after he left. They were smiles and laughs by the time they left.

I’m in an odd mood today. It’s a busy week and tonight is the only time I have for yoga. I’ll do much running this week, but I have too much other stuff going on.

How to unwind after a protest???

Well, duh, go to an orgy of course.

I went to the March alone. It wasn’t too bad because I registered to march with an organization and made a couple of protest friends. It got to a certain part where I looked at the clock and said crap if I want to make it to trump towers I need to break off from the group.

Going solo I boobed and weaved and made it to 42nd and madison. Still a block from even turning on fifth ave. I called Sir and told him that if I turned onto fifth there was no way I was making it back home to shower and get ready for the orgy.

The plan was to meet Dutch the Domme (she will be DD for short) for a drink, then her friend would meet up and we’d head to the hotel together. She had met this guy once, none of us had been to this party before. We met at a super upscale wine bar in midtown and thank god the guy picked up the bill. He even said it’s the least he could do since single guys would never get an invite to a party like this.

When she walked in she looked exactly like her pic, super innocent, but soo not. Weird thing, she was tall. I really thought she would be around my height from her pics because she is so small in frame, but no she was at least 7 inches taller than me and the guy was probably taller than Sir.

We were funny when we got there. The three of us scoping out who we would play with and at first we came up totally empty. The host needs to be a bit more selective in the invites, but he even said it, he’s too nice to say no to anyone. I stayed fully clothes the longest out of everyone. At one point they started to play and I went to the other room to see what was going on and what I heard made me go to call Sir right away. It could only be described as Trump role play. I heard a smack and then a guy say “your going to be a good citizen”. Guess she went to the march and got all kinds of hot and bothered by it. I laughed like insanely laughed at that.

When I came back in there was only one couple not playing and the wife wanted to leave. She had the Russian look of murder on her face. Turns out she’s straight and had no interest in the guys that were there. It was their first party. As I was chatting with the husband a late arriving couple came in. They were adorable, in there late 20’s maybe. He comes in and stays sorry this is our first party and we got stuck in traffic coming from the Knicks game, they came in from “upstate”. That was it, I had my in and questioned what is upstate according to them. Well they we from albany, but he agreed that anything above westchester is upstate. See Sir……lol.

I then hear the sweet sounds of a damn good spanking going on and politely excuse myself. Since FGD didn’t come I had to find out who that was and promptly offer up my ass. Noting calms the mind like a little otk and I knew even if I didn’t play I owed the host a bj. It’s the right thing to do when invited to these things.

To my delight the spanking was coming from DD and her guy. I almost jumped up and down with joy. I watched and the host was on the same bed with a girl and said to him how much I enjoy that, they heard and she excused herself to the bathroom and he offered his services. It was good, not FGD or Sir level, but for a swinger party, well, it was really good. Then she comes out and takes over for him. She gives girl spanks like O. The difference, she has a real sadistic side. She did something I really like and never had from a girl and that was the don’t move torture. Pretty hard when she’s playing with my clit and biting me. Then it morphed into her giving him a bk and I had to pee. I swear that’s the death of just about every scene for me. I went back to the main room in much less clothes, but still more than everyone else.

Weird swingers just run around naked and I’m a big fan of keeping a little something on. The upstate couple were naked and the guy and I were having a lovely conversation about how amazing his girlfriends tits are. It was funny and lighthearted and we made her blush and giggle. Then a gitl I had not seen before joined in the conversation and by the fact that what I had on was a bit kinky in nature, she asked if I was a sub or Domme. I said with women I switched and she got extremely happy saying me too!

The upstate girl asked the boyfriend if he had gotten a bj yet, that was his goal for the night. She looked freshly fucked and glowing. He said he had not and the switch girl (long blonde hair and an Australian accent) looked at me and said, I think we can help with that.

We looked around and everyone was in full orgy mode and there was no place except a really nice white couch. A helpful swinger saw the sad look on his face and he found a blanket to put over it. I think the switch saw the scene with DD and she went into domme mode. So he got a damn good bj and she was fingering and licking me and then I grabbed her and kissed her and then we rolled into the middle of the livingroom floor. I heard a guy say above us that this was what made life worth living as a crowd gathered to see the switches play. I partially fisted her, no need for lube and she came like only a D’s girl can. Then we turned into a cuddle puddle kidding and hugging and laughing. We got up and things were winding down. We agreed we needed to do that again soon. I asked where she lived and she said Harlem, I told her and she said, oh no we will make this work. I asked for her hone number and ta-da, I got it. Oh and somewhere in there I gave the host a bj…

Funny as though after that she’d say no?? It was a big deal, my first girl number I got on my own. We parted ways, I headed to the subway. My stockings ripped and smelling of sex, but hey it was three am in nyc. I nodded and woke up three stops past my transfer point, thank god for Uber. Today I have an orgy hangover and I’m wet as hell. I told DD that every party I set my expectations low, I say I’m going for an hour and if it’s no good I’m leaving. I also said, I’ve yet to ever leave in an hour:)




Bitch Level 2.5

I pretty sure I’m going to hold this level until around 4 pm.

Yesterday was a horror show at work. I can’t even begin to explain. At one point I turned to my boss and said look at this as 10 people argued in a conference room. This is a look into what my head looks like sometimes. Scary truth.

After all of that and me having to leave the room in order not to bunch my project manager we headed for our version of a holiday party.

There were no fists thrown, but wow, my coworkers can drink.

Little R showed. She was all over Becky to the point my boss even said something. Some people never change. L and I left pretty early and came back here to talk. I could tell something was up with her.

She has fallen into a really bad depression. There’s a million thing piling on top of one another that is causing this, but mainly her nana. Her story like mine, she’s watching all the good in her fucked up life be erased before her eyes and her husband just can’t understand. He couldn’t understand why he found her the other day in leggings and socks wrapped up on the couch crying and yelling. It’s because life just isn’t fair. There’s no fixing that…..she needs support and we chatted until almost midnight.

I’m glad she’s moving closer.

As all of this was going on…N was dropping. Such a nasty bitch. The hostess was getting our tickets and rooms for a weekend event. I still haven’t been able to think if I’m looking forward to this or just going to keep N from getting arrested. Oh one good thing, looks like Fetgirl took her rsvp down, so that’s one less bitch to deal with.

There’s a long day ahead…..too much work. Sir will also be down since it’s the day the orange guy starts to destroy the country.

Since I forgot in my email. Weight and measurements are still solidly holding. I’m getting much more definition. lol, one of the directors last night joked about our diet bet and asked if my goal was to be weighed on a postal scale. I responded saying, yeah I wasn’t to be slipped into a legal envelope and mailed far away from here for a buck 25.

I’ve been carrying around my divorce papers like a damn security blanket. I still can’t bring myself to look at them and figure out what game the ex is playing. I was also going to start on making the wedding gown into a costume, but I’m not there yet. The thought of un-boxing it make me sick.

I wish Sir was here….Lap time would help. Miss you

A very monday kinda tuesday

The weather was blah 

The job was blah

My mood blah x3

I tried to get an eye exam, that didn’t work. I tried to do a few other thing that failed as well. By 6 pm I was parked on the couch and hangry 

Due to a severe down pour I was 5 minutes late for happy Tuesday. I know Sir that you haven’t forgotten. When Sir heard my voice he knew the blaw was too bad for a punishment. It would have resulted in bad tears, not good ones.

We both went to bed early. The last few days sleep has been hard. I’ve started waking up at 4 am again. Today I just stayed staring at the ceiling until 5 then was at the gym when it opened.

I needed to run some of the ughhh away before Im trapped in a meeting all damn day.