The Crazy 

Ok so now I’m up to Sunday.

Up early was the plan, but I set my alarm for pm, not am. 

Little R got engaged to the asshat right after the new year. Her sugar momma set up and engagement brunch. The response was under whelming, so I couldn’t not go. I made certain to change no plans that day, but to work it in. 

I had yoga at 2, brunch a 11. Those 2 things, in that order do not go together at all. So for 2 hours I sat there, no food, no cocktails, just black coffee. Blahhhhh. 

I still couldn’t see well and really didn’t want to be in the pics with my big red eye, so I volunteered to take them. 

Later I see them posted and everyone was listed except me. Guess I imagined wasting 2 hours of my life sipping black coffee and listening to bullshit as 2 300 pound woman eat 3 courses. 

I pulled her outside when I left and very directly asked her if she wanted to be married to him or just wanted to be married and have a wedding. I got the normal bullshit lie and went on my merry way to yoga.

Insert subway issues. Got to yoga with one minute to spare, great practice and then I had to food shop on an empty stomach. Luckily I had to carry everything, so it wasnt too bad.

Now here comes the crazy. Little R is just living in a fantasy world, but my family is fucking nuts.

My mother comes to pick me up so we can go to my aunts for her birthday, only 10 days late.

So I give her her present. I sit down and she declares she’s getting a gun (her hysband abd son agree with this)Wtf, but that’s not the crazy part. She says with all the unrest due to trump winning she doesn’t feel safe as a white person. Oh and BTW she’s married to a dark skinned Spanish man.

Fucking hello …. we live in nyc, it’s the white people protesting, you know like me?

I loose it and say you don’t live in fucking Mississippi. There’s no race issues. Did you tattoo I voted for this asshole on your forehead. Then I told her about she should be worried that she lives in the midst if a bunch of white junkies, that also all voted for him!

Her response.  Well don’t you see the stuff posted on facebook? The truth I didn’t say is I unfollowed her days ago. Her comments were abusive and she was responding to mostly fake posts. So I gave her a lesson on how not everything is real on the Internet proving that the last three articles she read were not true.

Then she says the craziest thing yet. Her whole claim thus far was, I would go through legal channels and it would be registered, blah x3. She’d go to the range to learn to use it.

Then she says, well there’s times I have a lot of money on me in the subway leaving the fairs. Omfg, I inform her she is not allowed to carry a concealed weapon on the subway system. 

Funny part, my mother silent to this point, says “no good comes once a gun enters the picture”. I snap my head around laughing and say, well that’s because they were always brought in by criminals. She laughed, like the one that killed our neighbor or the other one that shot himself…. what a lovely childhood

We ended the conversation that if she got a gun I’d no longer go to her house. I also told her to get mental help. 

My mother thinks this is all because my cousin joined the army. This is her way of redirecting her emotions. 

Turns out she’s leaving on my mother’s birthday…..

Mom and I had a long talk. I told her about her recent behavior being worse than a teenager and we are going to try to work on our relationship, sadly, seems we only have each other left. I told her, except for holidays I no longer want to deal with my aunt. I fear going down the path that I did with my other aunt. that ended with me telling her to go fuck herself and fists being thrown.

The bad and The Crazy

So we get to the party, say our hello’s.

FGD comes with his current flame. The hostess is there with no host. It’s a nice venue, needs work, big space and the entire community came out. I’d say by the time we left there were about 300 people there and you could still move around without much effort.

I’m on line for the bathroom and a shell shocked newbie guy is in front of me. I just have to take pity on them and I strike up a pleasant conversation and tell him, don’t worry it’s everyone’s first time here. He calms down a bit and out of the corner of my eye I see built-a-dom part 2 leading fet girl, who is oddly over dressed, even for a fetish party. He has a third guy that follows in the rear like she’s going to get attacked or something. He’s inspecting the place, yet it was like she was leading him, but she never looked up or at anyone. He reaches for the bathroom door handle, like you didn’t see the fucking line asshole?? I laugh at this “high Protocol” bullshit from a vanilla dude and say really loud “hey, that’s just a fucking bathroom, see the line” and do a price is right arm sweep. I wasn’t angry, I was so very amused.

See it used to be she would come in with FGD and it was laughs and hugs. Nice chats, playful scenes full of laughter and sometimes really serious connection and passion. Now she had very few people in the community left due to her shitty behavior.

W ehad found a good spanking bench and were standing right next to it, very much intending to use it, but in general aside from some rope nothing had really started yet. I feel someone right at my back and I turned around and now she’s there naked except for a slave harness. Side note, we had gone to a class and it was the exact harness that her vanilla dom had said he found no interest in and didn’t think it was sexy. He had her standing 2 inches from me in the middle of our bags while he was cleaning the bench. I turn to this one girl who is equally as sarcastic as I am and asked her to get N’s bag out from literally under her feet. Stupid ass you’re stepping on a damn Louie purse. This is where the fun starts. They are having a boring ass scene, she’s too loud, he has crap skills. The flame brings out a mattress from somewhere and starts a scene on one side of her as we are chatting, FGD put the dog shock collar on N inner thigh and makes her stat dancing.

So now everyone is either looking at the mattress or this chick yelling, cursing and dancing all while laughing and threatening FGD. OOOh poor Fetgirl, no one is looking at you….BooHooo

We go over closer to the bar on the other side of the room. FGd has decided to sting N up to a hard point with some chains and have a real scene. She came to me first and told me to play. I had needed to earlier in the week, but I was back in a good head space and I had my damn Domme outfit on, so I said no. I can play whenever, she can’t. Up she went and I went for a stroll while he warmed her up.

Fet girl had left the bench and the hostess and m had taken it over. I stood for a little with L and watched. When I went back I took the remote for a bit and started dancing and pressing it to the beat I made her dance with me. There were people watching and laughing and it was a fun time. I gave it back to him and he started with some impact. As I’m standing there I get my ass flogged. My reaction was “wtf” I’m in a space far from a scene. I look behind me and there’s build-a-dom with her again right next to us. He has no control of the damn flogger and kept hitting people that were 10 feet away. I say “oh no this fucking build-a-dom again”. She heard me and looked up. I smiled. and looked away, not moving and everytime he would throw a hit that hit me I would mimic her fake sound. I was in a really amsused yet sadistic mood. fter a few minutes, they went away. I guess no attention except mockery was not what she wanted. They were over to the side, watching, but not watching us.

So as the scene ended and FGD took N down I held her and he say that something had happened earlier. I asked him where L was and he didn’t see him, so I kissed her and his face lit up like a little boy. I see fetgirl watching so just to add insult to injury I grabbed him and kissed him too. Ha! You’re not the popular girl anymore, bitch.

We got ready and left, she needed to be home early and I did too. I left feeling really good. None of that was done with emotion or drama it was all with a laugh and I was amused as Fuck! So I’ve gone through the anger with her and now I just find her a miserable human. If she had any decency I’d feel pity for her, but I don’t.

So I guess both she and I were the bad, but I think my bad was also damn funny.

Later we cover the crazy………………


The Good, The Bad and The Fucking Crazy

That explains my weekend so far.

Let’s always start with the good. Saturday was busy, like really busy. Errands, gym, yoga and then of to meet up at a place I picked with this guy that throws swing parties. I thought he looked familiar and it turns out he was at the party that I first me O. The train likes to fuck with me so I had to get an Uber, he offered to pay and I declined. He was drinking a water, coffee and hot totty. Looking like a mess, he had pulled an all nighter due to a couple of attractive Chinese girls. Are conversation was amusing and as we sipped our hot drinks, the snow started falling. All I thought was Fuck, N can’t drive and won’t come out if this sticks. We parted ways at the subway and he told me I could invite friends to the party. I’ll work on that this week.

Home to get ready for a new event and coordinate with N L and M. The hostess was going to come by early, but she ended up meeting us there. That actually gave N and I a bit of time alone. She came over and normal big hug. It was hard because I asked her to let me be the one to make the first move. I did this because I know I totally suck at that and if I could do it, it may give me a bit more confidence with being more forward with women. So we kissed and it was nice, but she became too aggressive with the suction. I told her that Sir had explained once one of the nicest things was the felling of being tit to tit and I had her go into the bedroom and we both took off our blouses and started to hug and kiss. It was nice, for about a half an hour we just figured out slowly what we liked and responded to. After I told her I don’t have a cock don’t suck on my mouth like I do and we kissed again and it was perfect.

After we sat and talked, Land M would be on the way and it’s very important L doesn’t find out because he will get too jealous. Eventually I guess he will, but at this point it won’t do anything but cause undo drama in the group. It was nice to see her so calm. She said if she had no scenes that night it would be ok because she had such a good feeling of connection. I was right, she never had a “good” F/F experience. I explained to her the reason we don’t need a defined dynamic is when you do sensual play it’s equal. Plus what we did, there will be no drop. It’s in no way kinky. Funny how my idea of what’s kink and what’s not has changed.

We headed to the party all laughs and smiles. I put on my old Domme dress, no corset, no need for one anymore and we felt good, ready to have fun. I think that our pre-party activity put me in the proper mind frame for the crazy that was to come, because all I did was laugh, sometimes you just need to laugh at the petty miserable ones and keep reminding yourself that life ain’t that bad……Looks like this will be a three parter, so the bad and the crazy will come later. I feel like leaving it here with the good to start my day.

My damn eye

Yesterday started with good old Murphy on my shoulder. Liquid liner and a sneeze can result in a really painful experience. So to get the liner out I had to rinse and try to wipe it with a q-tip. Bad move right there. What I had totally forgotten about is that the capillaries in my left eye are compromised.

This was what I didn’t know would be a long lasting result of the ex-dom. One of the things I walked away from the last time we played was a bright red eye. I’m like a damn cautionary tale of what can go wrong with BDSM.

So all yesterday I had to wear sunglasses. Even when I went shopping with L after work. Yup I was that crazy person in the dead dark with shades on.

Today it’s better, just the corners are red, but I need to remember this for future oops.

My dinner date canceled at the last minute and that actually made me rather happy. I didn’t know if I had it in me to be social with a big red eye. So a little shopping, some bubble tea and a night of cooking for the next couple of weeks.

I had a long talk with N and she’s better. Her drop was horrible.

I also spoke with the cancelled date. Her father is terminal. It sucks and as I thought when we first met, more than anything, she just needs a friend.

Off to do a million things and meet some swinger party thrower guy. Let’s see if he’s as swarmy as the last one.


Whatever you do, DON’T…

cough with a butt plug in!

Lesson learned and it is by far the creepiest feeling ever. It didn’t go shooting across the room, so at least there was that.

Yesterday bitch level went to 0. I have to say it was the first time since the beginning of the year and I now know it was very much financial stress that caused it. Not that I’m not used to that stress, but I had set a goal to be better off by January 1. Sadly my HR department did not want to help in that matter and really dragged their little feets on getting me my own money.

So I paid bill after bill yesterday and at the end of the day my shoulders were lighter. Karma said “oh really” and as I walked out of work I had my bank card out and forgot to put it in my bag. The cleaning crew has been an issue at work, so the second I realized what I did I headed to the bank. I called the last person normally in the office and they had already left, so new bank card issued and life resumed. I had to check that I paid nothing with the card and everything with the actual account. It was ok. What made this different? If this would have happened yesterday I would have exploded, freaked, cried. The whole thing would have been blown up by my mind. Instead I mentally said shot happens and just fixed it.

The weather was great so rather than an hour running, I cut it to a half and spent the other half walking around and even treated myself to some perfume. Sir didn’t know the scent he likes I was on my last little bit and would only wear it when he was around. It was the first time in 20 years I was going out the door not smelling like, well, me.

I spoke to a new Domme last night. She sounds adorable, Dutch accent. Had a nice visit with L and M and Sir told me earlier when everyone leaves to go get changes and clamp my nipple and clit and call.

After a little warm up the wiki trivia started. He asked what was in north and south Dakota, I said Indians, Parks, hey I was starting subspace. He asked who was on mt Rushmore. I knew where he was heading with that question but as I said Washington, Lincoln and Jefferson my mind went blank and I said that other dude. I wanted to say where O lives, but hell that was too many words. In hind site I should have said bikers, since I know more about Sturgis than national landmarks.

After a good laugh he said, nope not an acceptable answer … take them off. Big pout from me. Then he said too get the plug. So after it was in the cough happened and oh, it was just not good, like really a gross feeling. but a bit of dominance and the Hitcahi and that feeling was a memory followed by 28 orgasm. A happy slave became even happier.

Whe my mind returned we had a nice chat and then N dropped. God she was pissed and angry and she did what I asked and turned to me. I got her to laugh and made her rational mind return, at least for a little bit.

Off to work I go….


Almost debt free slave

I blinked and it’s noon.

This morning was meetings and dealing with banks. By this time tomorrow I will have one account with a balance and it’s not even in my name. 

Its the only way to assure that I get the money for my mother’s cell bill. If I pay everything then I’ll never get the cash

She also was a real bitch to me today. Don’t even want to think about it.

I’m busy and ok. 

Bitch alert level

I figured out the pattern.

I dropped when Sir was here because of the nye scene. Silly slave thought there would be no “he’s gone” drop.

Then he leaves and the dog drops. They dog recovers and then I drop. 

Welcome to the drop circle of life.

I think the funniest thing my french shadow said last night was “I thought this lifestyle would be easier” 

Oh dear, you are so very very wrong!

Ive noticed most newbie men think this. Especially the ones that say they want poly and they learn really quickly that any version of an open dynamic is a million times more work then they could even guess.

Sir and I decided on a bitch level indicator that will be reported every morning. Kinda a heads up as too the me I am on that day. Current level 2.5, but it’s all work stuff. I’m burnt out, implimentations do that.

Yesterday I just missed everyone, I had made a list off all of the people in the past 4 years I said goodbye to and it was really long. Sadly they were mostly goodbyes of my own choice, that hurts even more. I think that could put anyone in a bad mental place.

Today I’ll try harder to stay in the moment. Try to deal with less people.

Let’s see how that goes.


I currently have an 11am one.

In talking to a once removed friend last night I built on something I said to Sir yesterday. I’m really trying to take care of me and a big part of that is eliminating people that serve no purpose. Not in the “what they can do for me” tangible way, but the soul sucking users. The ones you give time, energy and emotion too and you get drama and stress in return.

So new rule. Yeah that’s right I’m making a rule. If I have to hold your hand through drama and listen to a never ending pile of shit without being asked how I’m doing, you don’t just get removed, you get blocked from my life.

Sirs going to see this and think oh this is the little R stuff. No, not really. I wrote her off the night of your birthday. If I could walk away from a 25 year friendship I can cut the fat with the people I have much less emotional investment in.

I’m trying to take a new approach in dealing with my feelings. Hippie guy says when you try to clear your mind there should be no judgements if a thought enters it, acknowledge it and brush it aside. 

What happens if the thought is pure emptyness? I sat on the bus today and I went blank, totally numb, there was nothing there. 

That’s not a better feeling than the normal 100 feelings at once I have. 

Maybe I am am emotional masochist that purposely surrounds herself with takers. Maybe That’s Why I Get To A Point AND Say Fuck It all?

I know Sirs going through his own stuff now and that’s fine, shit happens. For now I’m going dark I have dead lines to set and make.


I really have nothing abd everything to write about.

Sir said we ate both getting lazy. I’d love to complain about it, but it’s true. Not in our everyday life, but in our dynamic. There really is only so much I can do in a day. Add to it the 2 hours of gym time I need and I’m more physically exhusted than ever. It’s not a lack of b vitamins or a lack of sunshine, it’s the almost 9 miles a day I walk. The hour of advance yoga. I’m tired because I eat 1100 calories and burn much more .

Ok complaint over. 

I get the pleasure of little r needing to speak to me at lunch. She engaged, her sugar momma is her matron of honor, I’m not in her wedding. I’m happy and pissed about that. 

So I guess I’ll find out what she wants soon. 

Last night I had the worst hot flash yet. I should have my oeriod, but dont. I woke up and shot out of bed thinking I was literally on fire. Threw off my clothes, blankets, sheets, hell even the dogs. Woke up cold dehydrated and naked to the spuds of whimpering from the floor. The change is really not adding to my general disposition.

You know, this is what happens when I have nothing to write about, I just bitch.

The thing you do

This weekend is my slow weekend. Vanilla at first glace. Slow for me means doing things, normal tasks that keep me physically busy from 7am to 8pm.

I also noticed I did something else this weekend without really meaning too. In an effort to not move to quick with N I think I started looking for other partners to keep me level and distracted. I have paid little mind to my swingers profile. It’s such a bother to weed them out.

For instance there’s this “D/s” couple that….well, they are idiots. They say that and it means he sticks his cock in her and she the bottom. That’s the only way to describe them. They have little to no idea what the dynamic means and when I ask a very direct question I get nothing in return, like nothing. Then there’s the party thrower. I thought as a nice thing for Sir I’d meet up with him to see if his parties are any good, but his guest list is …..blah at best. He sent me a new one and I’ll look to see if it’s any better than the last. Plus his parties are too big. Unless of course he’s not being honest with the amount of people that show.

There was another couple that I just never heard from, but they have a house in the mountains and cell signal is spotty so I’l chalk it up to that. There’s a woman that I’ve been back and fourth with for 2 years and she sent another message, but I think she’s a general time waster.

I figure if I keep myself looking I won’t have a repeat of “her”.

There was a little time I carved out on Friday to talk to the hostess. I knew she could give a females perspective on this risk I’m about to take. She’s done this and so far it’s worked out very well for her. The problem is she’s domme, so I think it’s easier for her to in ways keep the upper hand.

The key is going to be time management. I have to not overbook myself and when I look at the big picture of this month, it looks like total burn out of my own making. I mean who considers getting up, running, protesting, brunch, then an orgy all in one day? L says I’m the busiest person he’s ever met. Sometimes I just want to be. I did that Friday night. All things done around 8 pm and for a couple of hours I had quiet. I love quiet, unless it’s when I’m overthinking and for some reason, I think pure exhaustion my mind was still.

There was a big effort to make my surroundings different and more peaceful this weekend, maybe that helped. I know what didn’t help, the damn snow! I guess that’s just winter, what can you do?

I’m also trying to rationalize how much I miss Sir with the insane need to be alone. That’s a really hard thing. I adore when he’s here and when he’s gone the dog and I go a little crazy, but I still can’t imagine having anyone in my space for longer than a week.

My DE cousin called last night, it was a funny conversation as always. My birthday is only a couple of months away and she’s looking to come in for the weekend so we can do another staycation. I think she really just wants to go to a party and get a spanking. Some how we got on the topic of lactation. Her very vanilla partner has a total fetish with trying to make her lactate. So I had to tell her the Christmas eve story. She got a real kick out of that.

Today is Sunday and Sunday is for brunch and yoga. Since I gained a couple of pounds with Sirs last visit, I’m going to pass on the brunch. You would think this means an hour of yoga and that it, sadly no, it’s another day of running around and getting things done. This week should be a good one. Every night is filled with something to do and for the most part I’m looking forward to it.

Now I’m just babbling…time to run