I didn’t realize what I did until talking with Sir last night. I was super methodical about my play over the past few days. No I feel really off. Super disconnected from my body and so tired.
I really tried not to get immersed into the event, keeping a balance of kink and vanilla, limiting my scenes and my time spent at the host hotel. I was very afraid of the brutal adjustment of going back to the real world.
At the begining, a good impact scene, an attitude adjustment. It was what I needed to let go and gain some confidence. I think it worked a little too well.
The next night, I let my Domme out to play. I first sexually topped N then I did knife play with her. I also co-topped her with FGD. I think she knew I would have some problems processing this because she asked me to stay at her hotel that night.
FGD we t to the little sluts room and play and we fell asleep in each others arms. A funny- when he came in at 5 am, both of us nude, he slept next to N, with his underwear on. After my walk of shame he woke and asked her if I was still there. When she said no, he ripped them off and went back to sleep. He later told her it was a matter of respect.
I don’t know why I’m so damn afraid of my sadistic side, but I really am. If Sir was here and if I was home I would beg him to whip me, use every hole and let me cry chained under the desk. It’s almost like I fear that when I top someone I loose the ability, a small piece at a time to submit.
It’s a totally irrational thing. I know in my brain I can be many things to many people, but I just don’t feel right in my head.
She is assuring me that our scene made her very happy but I feel like my coworkers are looking at me and judging me, like they know I’m a sick bitch thay gets off on touture. Plus I feel nauseous, it’s like my mind is going a million miles but my body lacks any blood to keep up.
This is so not subdrop, that I can deal with.
I just need to stay calm and small. Later have my nails done, run to get the energy back and then sleep. I really need for all the noise to go away.
Wait, I forgot, the third night was rope, funny im always good with rope. No regrets, drop or anything bad. That’s the easy stuff.