Why so f-ING mushy?

I guess it’s too many things. There’s no bitch level, no drop, just mush.

I could blame the weather or the root canal I have to get after work, but I think it’s more than that.

Funny how the more I get, the more I need. When is enough ever going to be enough? 

I guess never

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Yoga weekend

Today I took a long look at march.

I also took a look at my groupon account to see what yoga classes would be expiring. I have a month of hot yoga I started yesterday and then 5 more classes at another studio that will expire the begining of april. Plus my 2 steady classes each week. 

So I set to make myself up a game plan to get the most out of it. A gift to myself for my birthday. Yoga is really the only way I’ve come up with to express self love. Without it I’m pretty certain I’d be a much different person.

That brings me to this weekend. The last few have been so busy and the middle of the month will bd crazy too. So I got this idea, a treat to me, an at home yoga weekend. 2 classes a day, one in the morning, then one in the evening, ending with a restorative class. I’m pretty excited about this. I’ll still do my normal weekend things, but my goal, is just be a little slower. I find I rush through things and don’t stop to really enjoy the moment.

The other thing on my mind…I think the timing is great. This Sunday is my hometowns st paddy’s day parade.  In my old life, saturday would have been spent running around and coordinating stuff and then Sunday would have been drama, fights and way too much drinking. Since my ex and I split I’ve been going to the brides house with an old coworker. 

I haven’t heard from her on months, then out of the blue yesterday I get a message from her to both me and the bride asking what we were doing. She would start the day with me and half way through ditch me for a guy. I’d have to fond my way home alone and I generally felt used. 

At first I didn’t respond. The bride did, telling her she want thinking of doing anything. I kniw that’s a lie, because you can watch the oarade from her house and she does a family dinner right after. Like me she’s tired of feeling used for her food and house.

Later I told her I have no intention of going. She begged and asked why. I waited hours and replied I don’t want to deal with all of the drinking and the people from my past. What started as a fuck you message, when I looked back, was the most honest thing I could say.

She said ok, since the thought of not getting shit faced is unthinkable to her. I don’t even think she read past that line to see I’ve moved on and don’t want certain people in my life. 

So instead of fights and seeing ex husbands, ex boyfriend, ex best friends and drinking I’m going to go to yoga:)

Real Friends

Last night L from work dropped me to meet up with my first work husband, his side chick, the bride and groom. I figured my time is limited and I needed good kink friendly vanilla people around me.

I didn’t realize just how well they would all get along. There was a bro-mance with the guys, they even exchanged numbers. I made plans to go with the side chick to yoga. The bride has expressed that she is demanding to meet Sir on the birthday trip. My old work husband also wants to go to a party. It also never occurred to me that the groom listens and knows I’m kinky. Some how we on the subject of C. I also failed to tell towh that we were no longer friends. I think this was actually weighing on the groom. He pulled me out for a smoke and we had a long conversation. He basically said he doesn’t care what I’m into as long as I’m happy. He even said hell, when he met the bride he knew she was bi, had a past drug addiction and years of abuse, but he loved her. They are closing on a house near me and he wanted me to know they will always be there for me. I will always have a safe place to go.The bride has many friends, but I’m the only one that when she comes home she is happy, really happy. He wants me to plan more yoga adventures this year because he sees how much it really does for her spirit. Then he said something that I never realized. He saw what I went through. He never said anything, but he was there for a good part of my marriage and he has no idea how I lived through it. It’s funny how when you’re in something, you don’t stop and see the others watching. He gave me a big hug and we cried and he told me I derserve to be happy, no matter what. Funny I guess that was his way of saying, I know you’re into some kinky shit, but I see you and your my friend.

I had started to write this yesterday morning when SMG had walked through the door. I had closed the laptop cover and headed out to have a most unusual and enjoyable day, but I need to get my but to the gym, so I’ll write about that later Sir.

A good long hug

That’s what n needed. Yesterday the bitch cane out in her full force. She battled with everyone, except the hostess and i. Oh don’t get me wrong there was a lot of shit talk thrown at me, but I like that, so it’s ok.

When she came though the door she wet straight into my arms. I got her some coffee and onto the couch. All clothes on and we held each other and talked for 2 hours. There was laughter, tears, emotions exchanged. I admitted to her that saturday night was the first time I let go and allowed my sadistic side out. She was very happy that I trusted her enough to give her that special first. I even told her how afraid I became that she would hate me because I sometimes hate myself.

FGD showed up at the right time. The nasty girl in n was gone and we talked and listened to music. There was good wine and cheese and my bitchy little blonde dog fell in love with him. Lol, he tamed yet another bratty sub.

Oddly, I still could use lap time. I miss you Sir.

Everyone learns

The past few days have been weird for the four of us that went to dc. I’m sure it’s also been a challenge to those that have to deal with us daily.

I think the one thing we all agree on is this weekend formed a really nice bond. As promised we are trying our best to take care of each other, while accepting our needs are different. 

Fdg needs space and support. The hostess needs to talk. N needs to take care of all of us. I have no damn clue what I need, but I’ll figure it out.

I have a 9am, so I’ll continue this later

Later:

I keep going back to what motivated me to attend. It was not for me, it was for n. I didn’t set up any scenes, didn’t scope the attendees profiles, no prep was done for this event.

The only thing I wanted to do is go to a class that was to discuss spirituality and kink. What sucked is it got high jacked by this couple that runs some touch seminar. That sucked.

I think it’s funny that I was looking for that connection and instead found my inner sadist. I totally freaked myself out with it, but you never know what demons hide below the surface.

The after……

I didn’t realize what I did until talking with Sir last night. I was super methodical about my play over the past few days. No I feel really off. Super disconnected from my body and so tired.

I really tried not to get immersed into the event, keeping a balance of kink and vanilla, limiting my scenes and my time spent at the host hotel. I was very afraid of the brutal adjustment of going back to the real world. 

At the begining, a good impact scene, an attitude adjustment. It was what I needed to let go and gain some confidence. I think it worked a little too well.

The next night, I let my Domme out to play. I first sexually topped N then I did knife play with her. I also co-topped her with FGD. I think she knew I would have some problems processing this because she asked me to stay at her hotel that night.

FGD we t to the little sluts room and play and we fell asleep in each others arms. A funny- when he came in at 5 am, both of us nude, he slept next to N, with his underwear on. After my walk of shame he woke and asked her if I was still there. When she said no, he ripped them off and went back to sleep. He later told her it was a matter of respect.

I don’t know why I’m so damn afraid of my sadistic side, but I really am. If Sir was here and if I was home I would beg him to whip me, use every hole and let me cry chained under the desk. It’s almost like I fear that when I top someone I loose the ability, a small piece at a time to submit. 

It’s a totally irrational thing. I know in my brain I can be many things to many people, but I just don’t feel right in my head.

She is assuring me that our scene made her very happy but I feel like my coworkers are looking at me and judging me, like they know I’m a sick bitch thay gets off on touture. Plus I feel nauseous, it’s like my mind is going a million miles but my body lacks any blood to keep up.

This is so not subdrop, that I can deal with.

I just need to stay calm and small. Later have my nails done, run to get the energy back and then sleep. I really need for all the noise to go away. 

Wait, I forgot, the third night was rope, funny im always good with rope. No regrets, drop or anything bad. That’s the easy stuff.